The Golden Padawan

by Diane Lau

  “Not in the least. It’s frightening what a good actor he is. Or is he really affecting me psychically?”

  “He isn’t doing much of that yet, beyond just a weak suggestion that you feel an affinity for him, but believe it or not, I’m not letting that get through.” Brenan had to smile at this.

  “You really are enjoying this, aren’t you?” I asked him pertly, and was quick to add, “With all due respect, Master Brenan.”

  He laughed. “I’m enjoying it now because I know it will become very unpleasant very soon. It’s all right, we don’t want you to hate or fear him now. He is not particularly precogniscent, but he might pick up on that. Believe me, soon enough it will take all your Jedi discipline for you to master your hate and fear of this Lyrus.”

  We decided it might be a good idea for Brenan to meet Lyrus face to face at dinner the following night, and I got to use my Jedi discipline to master my nervousness. Lyrus and I had taken a table and were awaiting our food when Brenan stopped by, ostensibly on his way to a meeting. Lyrus seemed overwhelmed, his typical charm overcome by awe. He shook hands warmly with my Master and exchanged some nervous comments of admiration before Brenan excused himself graciously.

  Lyrus resumed his seat. “I feel so privileged. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be Padawan to such a man.”

  “He is a great man, but his demeanor is anything but off-putting. He’s always made me feel very comfortable.”

  “But it must be hard for you to contain your admiration. And the Jedi believe too much emotion can interfere with discipline, do they not?”

  It unnerved me a little that he had come to this point so quickly, but I continued to play it calm. “I admit, there are times he amazes me so much…it is hard not to be a bit awe-struck.”

  Lyrus regarded me with a smile. “I think you’re fonder of him than you admit, friend Aeli,” he laughed.

  I suddenly had a thought that almost succeeded in shattering my façade. No doubt this was the very man who had imposed upon me the lascivious dreams I had had of Brenan. And yet, he didn’t know it was the Golden Padawan who sat before him.

  Be careful, warned Brenan in my head. I knew my face had already revealed some disturbance, so I had better account for it quickly.

  “I’m a Jedi and must be honest with you, Lyrus,” I said. “I sometimes do feel a greater affection for Master Auri-Owan than a well-disciplined Padawan should. But as you have seen, he is unique. I try not to be too hard on myself.”

  “At least he needn’t fear any unfaithfulness from you,” said Lyrus.

  That was the first time I saw through him.

  It was not in his tone of voice, or his demeanor. I saw it only in his eyes. Up till then they had struck me only as deep and innocent and beautiful, but for an instant I saw a coldness in them that was unmistakable. For the moment I did not let this ruffle me—I had a job to do.

  “Never. There could be nothing more unthinkable for me than turning from my Master. I know every Padawan says that, but Lyrus, I think you can see how much I mean when I say the words. It’s a foolish thing to try to turn a Padawan from his Master, and in my case, beyond foolish.”

  “Of course. He is, as you say, unique.”

  The coldness got still colder, then Lyrus seemed to catch himself. His eyes warmed almost too much.

  The rest of the conversation went as we had expected. In hushed tones Lyrus told me his “story,” I vowed secrecy, he feigned great confusion as to what to do next, and I urged him to look further into whether there were any way for him to pursue being a Jedi. He expressed agitation at talking more about it, I suggested we could talk privately the next evening in my room, and he agreed.

  We said goodnight with much affection—Lyrus embraced me fervently. As he withdrew, his hair brushed my cheek lightly. He looked long into my eyes and again I regretted that he could not be turned back to good. It was a natural thought, considering I felt such a growing fondness…

  …And then I realized I did genuinely feel such a fondness, and it was all I could do to keep my composure until I had returned to Brenan’s room.

  Of course he knew I was coming, and met me in the open doorway. He shut and locked the door behind me. I simply looked at him for the first moment.

  “Yes, that was not quite so easy,” he said.

  “I see what he’s doing, then I fail to see it. How hard is he working to influence me?”

  “Hard enough, but it could be much harder. That we will see tomorrow night.”

  “But Brenan, this time I saw a little of the real Lyrus peek through.”

  “I know. You have managed nicely to fan the flames. He hates me more than ever now.” He said this with that twinkle with which he always teased me.

  But I could not be so lighthearted. “I thought I was supposed to…work on his desire to take me.”

  Brenan put his hand on my shoulder. “Aeli, you did just what you were supposed to. It seems I’ll never be cured of my enjoyment of goading you.”

  “You truly don’t seem to mind that the Sith Apprentice loathes you to the point of wanting to turn your Padawan to the Dark Side and killing you as soon as possible.” I said this not with bitterness, but rather sincere admiration for his serenity.

  “I mind it very much, which is why I’m so inclined tonight to be poke fun. Of course you’re right, there are a few matters we should discuss to prepare you, but there will be time enough for that tomorrow during the day. Tonight the best thing we could do might be to enjoy each other’s company. So, are you tired?”

  “Physically, not in the least. Mentally, quite.”

  “I promised to coach you a little in hand fighting. We’ve the time now, if you want to.”

  At first I looked at him like he was crazy. But in the next moment the idea appealed very much.

  And so we spent a good two hours, right there in his room, working on hand fighting moves. Fortunately we were right above the pub so no one could hear the noise we made occasionally falling to the floor and crashing into furniture.

  I found that competing with him in such a context was quite wonderful. When we were cooperating—such as when he showed me a new technique—of course it was agreeable. But when we actually fought, it was even more fun. When he bested me, I found great enjoyment in watching him try to conceal his natural male competitiveness in Jedi modesty and grace. If I pulled off a move, I got to be a little smug and watch his pleasure at my success. Either way it was delightful. And in the process, I actually learned a great deal.

  Of course that had not been my Master’s only objective. For one thing, by the time we were done I was exhausted and quite ready for a sound sleep. And his primary goal had also been achieved…

  Sitting on the floor, panting, I looked up at him. “You know I’m even fonder of you now,” I told him.

  Brenan took my hand and pulled me to my feet. “That was the general idea. Tomorrow at this time you will need to be as fond of me as possible.”

  Warmed by the activity, he gave off that wonderful, comforting scent of his. Even when he was sweaty, like now, I loved that smell. “If I weren’t the Golden Padawan,” I told him, “you would have a lot of work to do with me to rid me of this so-called Gift.”

  Brenan embraced me, damp and warm. “Keep the Gift. Now sleep well, and don’t be trying to talk to me when we’re in bed.” He released me. I nodded obediently and took my leave.

  On the eve of who knew what horrors, I retired with my heart full of mirth and contentment. I nestled into the bed and gave a great sigh of relaxation. I could hear the murmur of voices in the pub below. Outside the window a street lamp burned warmly.

  “Brenan?” I ventured.

  I knew you wouldn’t be able to help yourself. Smiling.

  “Thank you,” I said.

  Tomorrow night we will sleep just this close. Remember that.

  “Yes, Master…I’ll remember it.”

  * * *

  The next morning we breakfasted toget
her and then took to Brenan’s room to make the link one last time. My Master wanted to make clear contact with the Sith once more to be certain their plans were the same and they had no suspicions of us.

  “I wonder if we could do this if we were physically apart,” I mused, placing my hands on the table.

  “Maybe we could learn to, but in any case I wouldn’t want to take that much of your energy and attention while you’re with the Sith. Besides, I’ll see and hear well enough via your eyes and ears.”

  I nodded agreement. He placed his hands over mine. I looked down at them and felt residual affection from the night before rise up in me. “I love your hands,” I said very softly, before I had a chance to hold back the words. I looked up to meet his eyes, feeling suddenly very shy. He looked back for a long moment and I felt a wave of silent acceptance, approval of a kind. Then: You know it’s all right.

  “Yes, Master.”

  Out loud: “We’ll speak of this when we’re finished.”

  I nodded and pressed my fingertips to his wrists. I was glad to go in, I wanted to. In an instant I was drifting in the flow of stars, rushing, whirling. How wondrous his body seemed to me just then, possessing a physical strength I could never achieve, the powerful limbs, the great chest and broad shoulders, the heart and lungs so marvelously efficient it was like poetry. All these I spread through, spread my light and heat, and through his mind I poured clarity and vigor. I saturated him quickly but was not nearly spent, I felt too much love for him that day to even begin to be taxed. I sought some corner of him I might have missed, I traveled to every edge, and then…

  …and then beyond the edge…

  …from the stars in his blood to the stars in the heavens.

  Oh gods, what a wondrous thing was this! I had found my way across the border of Brenan’s spirit to the rest of the Force. I turned and crossed back to make sure I could, and discovered there really was no border, it was all one vast field of stars.

  In that one experience I came to understand more about the beliefs of the Jedi than all I had been taught before.

  I understood then what made Brenan so marvelous: it was simply that the Force could be so easily perceived through him. The connection was so smooth and perfect. I circled him close, then returned, full of joy and amazement. His blood was hot now, like a lovely steaming bath, and I drifted and spread through him, feeling a happy languor. Brenan, my Master, I love you so, I always will love you, this much and even more.

  I made another circle, like flying, leaving a trail of gold behind me in his dark blood, and then he lifted his hands.

  I opened my eyes. Brenan’s head was already down on the table. I leaned forward and put my hands on his head, which was damp and feverish. I nearly swooned then and had to put my own head down, but I kept my hands in his hair as I waited to regain myself. I could hear him breathing fast and hard.

  Aeli, what did you do this time?

  He was too weak to speak aloud. I responded: When our strength returns I will show you.

  Your spirit is very weak. I can hardly hear you.

  I felt him stir under my hands so I lifted my head as well. I saw how he looked and could imagine my own condition. Aeli, we’ll pass out soon…better you should be in bed when it happens. He struggled to stand and helped me to make the few steps to the bed.

  You too, Master.

  He realized the wisdom of this surpassed all concerns over propriety. He fell down next to me but I felt no more, I was unconscious at once.

  I awoke some time later, not yet recovered but shivering cold from the sweat of my body drying off. I managed to sit up and reach the blanket, and when I pulled it over me I realized Brenan was there. I covered my Master as well. Once we were tucked in, I could begin to feel his body heat collecting under the blanket and soaking into me. My trembling subsided. He was breathing slowly and very deeply. His ivory skin seemed even paler, but there was a slight flush of pink at his cheeks which hinted his vitality would soon return.

  He had a small scar under one eye which beckoned to my hand. I reached over and lightly traced over it with my fingertip. I wanted to do more, I wanted to touch his nose, his cheek, but I pulled back my hand. The Golden Padawan’s Gift was one thing, but I still had to exercise some restraint.

  Brenan gave a little shudder and I realized he was trembling. One of his hands lay on the bedclothes between us; I felt it and it was stone cold.

  May I be forgiven for this, I thought, I can’t do anything else. And I moved as close to him as I could. I lifted his limp arm and crawled under it, I draped my own arm over him and up his back, I tucked my head under his chin. He was dead to the world and made no response, but after a couple of minutes he stopped trembling.

  In a few hours I would be in the gravest danger I had ever known, but at that moment it didn’t matter to me. I was almost beyond emotion, the wonder of this was so great. Funny, I mused; I have been to every corner of his spirit but nothing could be like this, falling asleep with him warming in my arms, his heartbeat against my breast and his fragrance everywhere, in every breath I drew.

  And then I slept, a black and profound sleep.

  I was awakened by the soft brushing of his beard against my forehead. “My Padawan,” he murmured, “look where we’ve found you.”

  He wasn’t angry. In fact, I sensed a tranquil warmth. “You felt so cold, Master.” I tipped my head to look up at him, but I didn’t draw away just yet.

  He smiled puckishly. “I thank you for your concern for me.”

  I tried to think of some witty retort for this, I truly wanted to say something of that sort. But then I was overwhelmed by his nearness and instead the words I uttered were, “Forgive me, Master, I find it hard to leave.”

  His face grew suddenly grave. “I remember now what happened. It was incredible this time…the things I saw, the depth I could achieve in their minds. I learned much that will help us. Tremendous things. Aeli, what did you do?”

  “It’s beyond words,” I told him. I found his hand and lifted it to my cheek. “I’ll show you,” I said, pressing his hand close.

  I replayed my recollection of the linking. I heard Brenan gasp when I broke out to the Force. When I had showed him everything I opened my eyes to read his. He was shaking his head in abject amazement. Finally he said, “Do you know you’re a miracle?”

  I laughed but he was completely serious. “Am I, Master?” I asked gravely.

  “Yes.” He tried then to sit up a little but collapsed back onto the bed. “Oh, this one is certainly hard to recover from.”

  “How long have we slept?”

  “Only about two hours. It’s barely noon. You seem stronger, though.”

  “I think I’m well. It’s not for lack of energy that I want to stay here. But I am your Padawan, let me get up and you rest awhile yet. I could get us some lunch.”

  “A Jedi Master always…but in this case, I’ll take you up on that.”

  I went down to the inn and ordered some small lunches of fruit, cheese and bread. It took a little while to prepare, but when I returned to Brenan’s room he was still sleeping. I wanted most to kneel beside the bed and watch him, but instead I sat in one of the chairs and meditated. I found the flow of the Force so easily now, now that I had seen its face so clearly and intensely. I let it take me and found deep serenity, and there I stayed until I heard my Master stirring.

  We ate eagerly, our bodies needing to restore fuel after our intense exercise. And then it was time to prepare for the task ahead.

  Brenan cleared the plates from our little table and resumed his seat across from me. “I told you we would speak of this later. Today, my Padawan, you do well to love me. Have no regret about that.”

  “You said I’ll need it.”

  “You’ll shortly understand why. Now tonight, you must focus all your discipline not to fear Lyrus or show any apprehension of what he’s going to do. You are curious, intrigued, but you have no reason not to trust him.”

&nb
sp; “I think I can do that.”

  “I have planted in his mind a strong predisposition to believe you trust him and suspect nothing. So it should go well.”

  “It’s too bad you can’t plant in his mind a strong predisposition to just surrender to us,” I said.

  “Yes…well, unfortunately, I don’t have the power to convince the Sith to do anything they are strongly opposed to. In certain instances, in fact, we’ll have to depend upon Darth Sidious’s authority over Lyrus, since I could only prevail over the former in getting what I want.”

  Brenan looked troubled over this and I was about to question what specifically he meant, but I picked up that he wished to say no more about it. Instead I asked him, “One thing concerns me though…how exactly should I act to convince him my will has been taken? And the greater question: how do I keep from letting it happen?”

  “That part will be easy for you. You won’t have to do anything.”

  “Master?”

  “Your will is going to be taken. I will take it.”

  I stared at him, speechless.

  “I will seen to it that Lyrus will believe he has done it. But in fact it will be me.”

  “Can you do that?”

  “Not the way Lyrus does. He saps all the strength from the will until it shrivels to nearly nothing. Like taking the air from a balloon. That’s not what I’ll do, I couldn’t even if I wanted to.”

  “Then how—?

  “I’ll supplant your will with my own. Then I’ll be able to direct Lyrus’s commands to you as if he were doing it himself. It will convince him he has you. But I won’t allow you to harm yourself or anyone else, and when the time is right, I’ll return you to yourself.”

  “You have a frightening amount of power, Master Brenan.” I shook my head.

  He reached over to take my hand. “No, I don’t. I couldn’t do this with anyone but you. You have to permit it.”

  I pondered this a moment. “I have to surrender,” I said.

  “Exactly.”

  “This is why I need to love you, and trust you, so much today.”