Live and let Drood sh-6

by Simon R. Green

  Do your job, old monster! he said fiercely.

  Rid me of these nuisances!

  There was a pause. Mr. Stab didn t move a muscle. In his cold, calm voice he said, Regretfully, I cannot. I fear you overestimate my abilities.

  Crow Lee stared at him blankly. Do as you re told, damn you! Kill them! Kill them both!

  I can t, said Mr. Stab. They re a Drood and a Metcalf, and I m just an ill-made monster. It s a wise monster who knows his limitations.

  Crow Lee took control of himself, with an obvious effort. Drops of steaming gin were still falling from his burnt chin.

  I know there is a history between you and them. That should make it easier. That s why I hired you!

  Look at the Drood s torc, said Mr. Stab.

  Look at his armour.

  Crow Lee stopped and then stared at me for a long moment before nodding slowly, grudgingly. Ah yes. I do See what you mean. Well, then, Eddie and Molly, we ll do this little dance another day. When I m better prepared.

  He gave us both a sly self-satisfied smile and snapped his fingers loudly. And just like that he was gone. The oversized armchair was empty, and Mr. Stab no longer stood beside it. There wasn t even an inrush of air to fill the space where they d been. It was as though they d never been there.

  No! said Molly. You can t do that! He can t do that, Eddie!

  I think you ll find he can, I said.

  And he has.

  The bastard said Molly. I was all fired up and ready to go, and he just runs away?

  Well, I said. You don t get to be the Most Evil Man in the World by playing fair. Or fighting when you re not sure the odds are in your favour. What did he mean about my armour, Molly? What did he See just then?

  He must have realised you re wearing rogue armour instead of what he was expecting, said Molly, but she wouldn t look at me while she said it.

  Mr. Stab surprised me, then, I said, tacitly agreeing to change the subject. I did try to kill him when he killed Penny, but I didn t even come close. I never knew he rated me that highly. Or you, to be honest.

  He wasn t scared of us, said Molly.

  I think he was just showing us professional courtesy.

  Would you do the same for him?

  Hell, no. I ll kill him dead the first chance I get.

  Good, I said. Because I think he s cut us as much slack as he can. Do you really think he wants to die? You ve known him a lot longer than I.

  He s always moped about his condition, said Molly. But if he really wanted to be released from his curse, he would have found a way by now. It s just a pose, a show he puts on in front of company.

  He was your friend, I said.

  Once upon a time and long ago, said Molly.

  I saw myself as a monster, so I went looking for others to keep me company.

  What changed that? I said.

  She smiled at me. You did, idiot.

  Ah, I said. Yes.

  That was a prearranged teleport spell, said Molly, changing the subject yet again. So carefully set in place even I couldn t See it. Preprogrammed to take him and Mr. Stab out of here at a moment s notice to a preselected destination. Very professional stuff.

  Could he still be here, somewhere in the club? I said.

  No. That had all the hallmarks of a long-range teleport. Probably all the way back to his country manor house in Surrey. She looked at me thoughtfully. Could you track him through the Merlin Glass? Go straight after him?

  Possibly, I said. But you could bet good money that if we did, we d be walking into a trap. God alone knows what kind of protections and reinforcements he d have waiting for us there. This is a man who believes in planning ahead. Remember the private army? No. We ll go after him, but only after we ve taken some time out to work up a proper plan.

  I said we needed a plan.

  And you were right.

  But we can t afford to give him time to prepare for us, Eddie! His country bolt hole is just crawling with booby traps and hired killers and full-strength nasty surprises! He has defences you wouldn t believe!

  It can t be that bad.

  Yes, it can! I ve seen it!

  There was a pause then as I looked at her thoughtfully. And you know this how?

  Because, said Molly reluctantly, I ve been there. More than once. I did business with Crow Lee back in the day.

  What? You worked with the Most Evil Man in the World? And you never thought to mention this before?

  Don t judge me! Molly said hotly.

  Don t you dare judge me! My parents were dead, murdered by your family! I was desperate to avenge them. Ready to work with anyone who could promise me help or weapons to use against the Droods! Crow Lee was very understanding, very helpful.

  Yeah, I said. I ll just bet he was.

  What about you? You went looking for help when your family made you rogue. You were ready to work with monsters, too!

  Yes, I said. But I found you.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Traffic Can Be Murder Sometimes

  Molly and I still weren t talking to each other when we left the Establishment Club, so it was just as well there was a distraction waiting for us. The Regent of Shadows had sent us a nice new car, along with one of his agents to explain why. I took my time looking over the car, and let the agent wait till I was ready to talk to her. The car was big enough that it took me a while to walk around it; a great red beast of a car, with white stripes, gleaming chrome and high tail fins. A classic of its kind from when Detroit dinosaurs roamed the earth, and about as conspicuous in London traffic as a piranha in an aquarium. I finally sat on the bonnet and gave the Regent s agent an equally thorough inspection.

  She smiled back easily, a very cool and poised middle-aged lady, still good-looking in a never heard of Botox and wouldn t use it even if I had kind of way. Dressed in an elegantly cut tweed suit with a creamy white panama hat crammed down on her long grey hair and a flouncy white silk scarf round her throat. She just sparkled with charm and grace and gave every indication that she ought to be off organising a garden party somewhere. I was quite taken with her. Molly, less so.

  What the hell kind of car is this? said Molly.

  It couldn t stand out any more if it had a target painted on it.

  And hello to you, too, Molly Metcalf, said the agent in a clipped, cut-glass, finishing-school voice. I m Diana, one of the Regent of Shadows s most established agents. Hello, Eddie Drood! Delighted to meet you both. And this is a 1958 Plymouth Fury. Classic American muscle car, fully restored, with all kinds of useful extras. And, bless me, look at the chrome on that!

  It is a bit conspicuous, I said.

  It s registered to the Regent, said Diana. An official Department of the Uncanny vehicle, with all the right papers filed in all the right places, so no one will bother you. And, after all, it s not as if you can hide from Crow Lee s all-seeing eye, no matter what you re driving. Sneaking up on the Most Evil Man in the World was never going to be an option. I m sure the Phantom V s privacy shields were first-class; your Armourer always did do good work. But they won t hide you from Crow Lee. His many agents will undoubtedly be watching all the roads for the Phantom V, but they won t be expecting you in this. Word will get out, of course, but driving the Plymouth should buy you some wriggle room.

  Very kind of the Regent, I said. I ll take it. Does it come with a warranty?

  She doesn t even come with insurance, said Diana. She s called the Scarlet Lady. Take her; we re glad to be rid of her.

  Why did I just know she was going to say that? said Molly. All right, what s wrong with her?

  She s not been exactly lucky, said Diana. In fact, we ve searched her thoroughly several times, just in case someone accidentally built a dead albatross into her somewhere. But I think she just needs a firm hand on the wheel and a chance to prove herself.

  Molly looked at her. I want the Phantom back. I knew where I was with the Phantom.

  You never liked the Phantom and you know it, I said.
/>   I like this even less, Molly said firmly.

  Hush, said Diana, She ll hear you.

  Convince me, I said.

  The Scarlet Lady has first-class protections, and more built-in weaponry than some third-world countries, Diana said briskly. She can hit Mach four with the wind behind her, can outrun anything on four wheels and can punch right through a brick wall without even slowing. And she has a sat nav programmed to take you straight to Crow Lee s little hideaway down in Surrey. That is where he s retired to, in case you were wondering.

  We had already worked that out, thank you, said Molly.

  How clever of you, darling, said Diana, smiling sweetly at Molly for just a moment before giving me her full attention. Eddie, there s something I need to talk to you about. Not really any of my business, I know, but that s never stopped me before. I need you to consider this. I know you don t want to think about it, but even if you do bring down Crow Lee and destroy his nasty little organisation, there s still no guarantee you ll be able to find or retrieve your lost family. You have to face the possibility that the Droods could be lost forever, wherever they are. You have to consider that on this occasion, even your formidable best might not be good enough. Have you thought about what you re going to do if there s nowhere for you to go back to after this? And you really are the Last Drood. What will you do?

  Carry on the family tradition, I suppose, I said.

  Fight the good fight. What else is there?

  Molly gave me a sharp look there, which I didn t understand till later. Diana gave me a brilliant smile.

  The Regent was lost for a long time after he left his family. So he made himself a new family his Shadows. That hasn t changed just because we re calling ourselves Uncanny these days. You could join us, Eddie, become a part of our family. I know it wouldn t be the same how could it? but we would make you very welcome. And you, too, of course, Molly. You could do good work with us, both of you. You don t have to be alone in the world.

  I could hear the sincerity in her voice. I had no doubt she meant what she was saying, and it did intrigue me. It also puzzled me that this should mean so much to her.

  Thank you, I said. That s very kind, but

  He doesn t need you, said Molly. He has me.

  Think about it, said Diana. She smiled briskly at both of us and was immediately all business again. The Regent assured me that we ll take good care of your Phantom V while you re gone. You can pick her up again anytime you re back in London, after this is all over.

  I wouldn t mess with the Phantom, if I were you, I said carefully. The Armourer builds his cars to look after themselves.

  That s Jack for you! said Diana. Never met a car he didn t customise till it hurt. Trust me, I did raise that point most forcibly with the Uncanny car pool. The Phantom will be treated with the utmost respect.

  You know the Drood Armourer? said Molly, not even bothering to hide her suspicions.

  Of course, Diana said easily. And then she just stood there, smiling easily.

  More secrets, Molly said disgustedly.

  Of course, said Diana. We are secret agents, after all. Secrets are our business, our stock-in-trade. Now, I know what you re thinking.

  No, you don t, said Molly. Or you wouldn t still be standing there.

  I could practically see the tension spitting and sparking on the air between them, so I made a big deal of going round to the driver s-side door and opening it to look inside. The sat nav immediately turned itself on.

  About time! it said in a harsh and strident female voice. Come on. Get in, park your arse and let s get moving! I haven t got all day!

  I just stared at the sat nav for a moment. We re not going to get on, are we?

  Like I care, said the sat nav.

  I straightened up and looked at Diana. Would the Regent be very upset if I was to rip out the sat nav and throw it under the next passing heavy-goods vehicle? It s not as if we re going to need it. We re not driving down to Surrey.

  We re not? said Molly.

  We are going directly to Crow Lee s place through the Merlin Glass, I said. You have heard of the Glass, Diana? Yes, of course you have.

  We maintain up-to-date files on everyone, Diana said carefully. On friends and enemies and everyone in between. I m sure the Droods are in there somewhere. Though I don t think our researchers believe half of what they ve heard when it comes to the Merlin Glass. Some have been heard to suggest that it s all just Drood misinformation, designed to demoralise people like us.

  Believe every bit of it, Molly said sweetly.

  Especially the really disturbing parts.

  The clue is in the name, I said. Merlin Satanspawn always believed that weapons should be double-edged. But we re not going to Crow Lee s place in Surrey straightaway.

  You re not? said Diana.

  Molly and I have already discussed this at some length, I said carefully. If we just drop in on him now, he ll have all kinds of defences ready and waiting for us. I ve got a better idea. The Merlin Glass operates in time as well as space. You might remember, Molly, that during out recent side trip to foreign parts, the Glass returned us to the exact moment in time and space that we left from. Therefore

  Hold everything, said Molly. Are you saying what I think you re saying?

  Time travel! said Diana, clapping her hands together excitedly. You re talking about time travel, aren t you?

  I was going to say that! said Molly, sulking. She glared at Diana. Don t you have somewhere else you ought to be?

  Wouldn t miss this for the world, said Diana.

  Molly glowered at me. Since when did you start discussing family secrets in front of strangers? You might trust the Regent, Eddie, but we ve no reason to extend that to his whole damned organisation. If Crow Lee has people inside your family, you can bet he s planted even more inside the Department of the Uncanny. Probably back when they were just Shadows.

  I suppose that is always possible, said Diana, in an entirely reasonable tone of voice she must have known would put Molly s teeth on edge. I wouldn t put anything past Crow Lee. The treacherous little shit. But you can trust me, Eddie. The Regent specifically chose me to come here and talk with you because he had no doubt that you could trust me. Do you trust me, Eddie?

  I looked at her. I knew I shouldn t trust her, that I had no good reason to, but somehow I did. Molly could see what was happening on my face, and made a point of tutting loudly and rolling her eyes.

  You always were too trusting, Eddie Drood. And always far too ready to be impressed by mutton dressed as lamb. All right, what s the plan with the Merlin Glass?

  Simple, I said. I ll arrange the arrival coordinates so that although we enter the Glass here and now, we ll arrive at Crow Lee s estate twenty-four hours in the future. That should give him more than enough time to become worried about all kinds of things where are we, why haven t we arrived yet, what we re planning. It should also provide enough time for his private army to get tired of standing guard for a threat that never comes, and get bored and complacent and sloppy.

  I don t know, said Molly. This is Crow Lee we re talking about.

  It gives us an advantage we wouldn t otherwise have and that he won t suspect, I said patiently.

  Unless you actually want to drive all the way down to Surrey. Arriving worn-out in the early hours of the morning, having driven all through the night, being nagged all the way by the sat nav?

  I heard that! said the sat nav.

  You were meant to, I said.

  Why only twenty-four hours into the future? said Diana.

  Because I don t trust the Merlin Glass any further than that, I said. There are far too many things that can go wrong with time travel. And, besides, I just can t stand the thought of Crow Lee having any more time than that. I am going to destroy his house and his grounds and everything he owns, bring his whole world crashing down about his ears and then I m going to make him bring my family back. Whatever it takes.

  I ll help, said Molly.
>
  Couldn t do it without you, I said.

  We smiled at each other, and just like that everything was all right again between us.

  I hate to be the wet blanket here, said Diana, but won t Crow Lee detect you approaching through the Merlin Glass? I mean, that thing gives off a hell of a lot of magical energies, and he s bound to be looking for it. If we know you ve got it, you can be sure he knows.

  He ll be looking for spatial travel through the Glass, I said just a bit smugly. Not time travel. He doesn t know the Glass can do that. No one does.

  You re so sharp you ll cut yourself one day, Molly said admiringly. Death from Above, via the Timestream! I love it!

  And she did a little jig of joy, right there in the street.

  He ll never see it coming, I said solemnly.

  And then all three of us looked up sharply and round as a big red double-decker London bus came thundering down the street towards us. It was really travelling, moving much faster than any London bus should, and it took me only a moment to realise all the windows were darkly tinted, so no one could see in. I couldn t even see the driver at the wheel, never mind any of the passengers. The bus roared right down the middle of the road, its engine making a hell of a racket as it struggled to maintain its speed. Tinted windows? On a public-transport bus?

  That s odd, said Diana. The route number on the front of that bus is all wrong. It shouldn t be anywhere near here.

  We watched curiously as the bus drew nearer, straddling the middle of the road, and then the driver slammed on the brakes so that the bus slowed down as it passed us. The whole frame shuddered from the sudden strain, and the wheels made harsh squealing noises. And every one of the tinted windows just disappeared, replaced by dozens of assorted gun barrels. They targeted Molly and me and Diana as we just stood there gaping, and all of them opened fire at once.