A Devil of a Date

by Long, Andie M.

  Shelley giggled.

  “Are you going to pass me my coffee then?” I asked her.

  Her mouth cocked to the side.

  “Oh my God, there isn’t one for me is there? You’ve bought two for yourself.”

  “I’m very, very tired.” Pouted Shelley.

  “Unbelievable.” I turned my attention back to my laptop.

  “So, Lucy was saying tonight is the first of five dates you’ve set up for her?”

  “Yeah, that’s right. Because of the double/triple date fiasco.”

  “And so is it the start of Darius’ five dates too?”

  Shelley had the audacity to wink at me. I completely ignored it; a fact for which I felt I should be rewarded, so later I would buy myself a coffee and two doughnuts seeing as my boss wasn’t on the case.

  “It is, and I feel I’ve chosen him five fabulous matches and shouldn’t be at all surprised if he isn’t completely besotted with one of them by the end of the week.” I span around in my chair.

  “So you inputted all of his details correctly and put him through the algo totally on point?” Shelley said sarcastically.

  “Yes,” I did.

  “Hmmmm.”

  “I really did!”

  “So who has he got tonight then?”

  I let my eyes adjust from my going dizzy from all my enthusiastic chair spins. “Well, perfectly, two days ago we had an applicant from a female were. She’s the correct age bracket. She’s from his pack, but located within a small offshoot of the main pack, in Hornsea. If Darius quoted from last year’s Love Island he would say she was ‘100% his type on paper’. I’ve outdone myself.”

  “Ohhkay then. I have to presume you know what you’re doing and in terms of finances it would certainly be good to actually get Darius’ membership fee this month. So, what about Lucy? Who have you set her up with?”

  “Her application is a little more difficult because she’s changing all the time. Have you noticed?”

  “Have I? Not half! She’s not set anyone on fire this week at all to my knowledge. Not one single person.”

  “Well, it means that her original application is off and so I’ve tried to adjust it as to her current self, but really, she’s half-human now. So I was thinking, maybe you might look for a human date ready for her final date on Sunday? Kind of a wildcard? It would need to be someone who you felt wouldn’t freak out if she revealed a horn. What do you think?”

  “I think that’s a great idea. Could be a film, Four Supernaturals and a Human.”

  I laughed. “Well when you’ve drunk all your own coffee, could you log into her application and see who you have who could potentially be a suitable match? But for her date number one, I’ve gone in the opposite direction. You know how on those house programmes they nearly always show you what you don’t want first?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Well her first date is with Rav from Hanif’s.”

  “A demon?”

  “Yep, thought we’d see if it truly is better the devil you know, or whether she is heading towards complete humanity.”

  “So where are they meeting?”

  “At Beached, the seafood restaurant in town. Why?”

  “So I can know where to avoid this evening as me and Theo are going out too.”

  “Date night? Oh have a fantastic time.”

  “Well, I’m just hoping we make it. That he’ll leave me alone long enough so I can eat. I need to keep my strength up. So how about you? What are you doing this evening?”

  “Catching up on Hollyoaks and getting smashed on vodka. I can’t wait.”

  “This Frankie thing really has cramped your style hasn’t it? Right, well I suppose I’d better let you get on and fire up my own laptop. If you want to fetch coffees in about another hour I’ll love you forever.”

  “And a doughnut?”

  “Do you know what? I don’t feel in the mood for one today. Just coffee please. I’m too tired to eat.”

  She left, and I sat back at my computer. I typed in Sierra Forrester and stared at the woman on the screen. She had reddish-brown, long, curly hair; plump cheeks and lips; and freckles crossed the cheeks and nose of her golden toned skin. She was beautiful and according to her application, ready to find a mate for life.

  I switched over to Darius’ application and there he was. With his long shaggy brown hair and beard. He was stunningly handsome. I could admit that to myself. They would have beautiful little werebabies if it worked out for them.

  I sat back in my seat and closed my eyes.

  ‘You’re a waste of space, Kimberly Fletcher’. I could hear my father’s voice like he was in the room with me now. ‘A good-for-nothing tramp. You’ve made a laughing stock of me and your mother. How does it look when the vicar’s daughter is caught having sex in the graveyard? Well? No-one will ever want you as a wife, you’re tainted. Just a hussy’.

  ‘I don’t want to be a wife, ever!’ I remembered screaming back. ‘Look at my mum. Who’d want to be like her? Having to be at your beck and call all day long with no life for herself? She’s like a walking dead person’.

  ‘How dare you speak to me like that? Get out’.

  ‘No, Kenneth, no’. My mother had tried to touch his arm, but he’d just shrugged her off.

  ‘Let the tart go. If she wants to live an amoral life, she can. But not here. Get out of my house’.

  I came around from the memory. He’d never forgiven me, nor me him and he’d passed away five years later after suffering a stroke. I saw my mother infrequently with the odd phone call in between. Things remained strained between us and I knew she felt I contributed towards that stroke because she was aware I’d carried on with my ‘wanton’ behaviour. In fact, if anything, I did it more. Partly because I enjoyed sex and partly in spite. I’d enjoyed a healthy sex life and I had no doubt the rumour mill back home had been strong. I could imagine it now.

  Poor Father Fletcher. That tramp daughter of his is back to her old tricks. Such a shame, she seemed such a nice girl growing up.

  It was the main reason I resisted anything that could lead to a serious relationship. Because if I did, what if my father was proved right? What if I was tainted in some way and never destined for a happy ever after? I know what Ebony kept saying but half the time she was pissed on vodka. It was better I kept things simple.

  Just casual dates and no big romances.

  I clicked out of Sierra’s application first and then with one last glance, Darius’.

  Have a nice date.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Lucy

  Wednesday

  I met Rav, my first date of the week outside Beached.

  I appraised him. He had lovely dark skin and chocolate brown eyes and his hair gleamed. He wasn’t tall for a man, about an inch taller than me, maybe, but at least he wasn’t a four foot pixie, so I called this a triumph.

  “I’ve never eaten here. I’m looking forward to it.” I said after shaking his hand.

  “Yes, well, erm, I looked at their prices and I, erm, changed our reservation. I hope that’s okay?”

  “Oh. So where are we eating now?”

  “Hanif’s.”

  So he took me to the Indian restaurant where he worked, and more to the point when we got there and they told him they were short staffed, he sat me at a table near the kitchens and grabbed an apron, serving customers and sitting and talking to me in between service.

  Did he once ask me about myself in terms of hobbies and interests?

  Oh no. All Rav wanted to know was how to source a ‘Get out of Hell Free’ card.

  “Please tell me how you managed to get away?”

  “It wouldn’t make any difference to you, Rav. Because all demons aren’t created equal, and you were born to demon parents. It’s in your blood, whereas I was tricked.”

  He sighed before the words, “Service,” had him getting back up from his seat again.

  After forty or so minutes of this, I beckoned over a di
fferent member of staff and ordered a takeaway. Then once it was at my table I paid and left, leaving Rav to his work. He could go to Hell as far as I was concerned.

  I walked back into the house to find Frankie in the kitchen finishing up a bottle of O-neg.

  “Oh dear, back so soon and… is that a takeaway? I thought you were going out for a meal?”

  I sighed, grabbing a plate from the kitchen cupboard and warming it using my inbuilt heat mojo before dispensing my chicken vindaloo across it.

  Frankie sat down at the kitchen table and I pulled up a chair in front of him. “Seriously, no word of a lie, he changed the venue and took me to where he works and then,” I paused for effect, “he started working.”

  “Oh, so that was the end of the date then? Did you rearrange?”

  “Oh no.” I felt my fingers clench around my cutlery. “He sat me near the kitchen and kept sitting back down opposite me in between serving.”

  Frankie snorted.

  “And the best thing? He never even took my own order.”

  That was it, Frankie clutched his stomach as mirth hit him. It was a good job he no longer needed to breathe as he’d have struggled with how hard he was laughing. I couldn’t help but join in.

  “So, hence my takeaway. Oh and also, he just wanted to use me anyway.”

  Frankie’s face turned serious. “Oh yeah, just wanted a shag did he?”

  “No. He wanted to know how to escape Satan.”

  “Oh. Well having met the guy, I guess I could understand that.”

  “Me too, but he’s a born demon. There’s no way out of that for him, and it was all he talked about on the few occasions he sat down. I’m so glad to be home.” I looked around. “Where’s Maisie?”

  Frankie sighed. “She’s spending more and more time next door. I don’t think she’s comfortable now I know she’s a were. It’s not the same, because if I’m busy with the computer and she wants milk, I tell her to get off her lazy arse and get it.”

  “I guess there are a lot of different things for us all to adjust to. You’re a vampire, Maisie’s come out of the catflap, I’ve lost a horn. Anyway,” I raised a vegetable samosa towards Frankie’s now empty bottle, “here’s to the new us and let’s hope for less drama and a better date for me tomorrow.”

  Thursday

  “Yes, fricking brilliant idea.” I slammed the door as I came home. “Theo needs to look at that algorithm because opposites attract does not work when a devil meets an angel.”

  Frankie peered around the edge of the doorway. “You’re home even earlier than last night.” He held onto the door jamb for support as he once again dissolved into laughter.

  “You’re not funny.” I said as my one remaining horn emitted sparks of flames. “It brought my demon side out more. It’s been tingling all night.”

  “Sorry.” He said but the way his lips trembled showed me that he wasn’t the slightest bit sorry and was trying his best to contain further eruptions of laughter.

  “Look, come through to the lounge, calm down and tell me all about it.” He said. “And please don’t set fire to me, cos I’m rather flammable these days.”

  I threw myself into the chair, a pinched expression on my face as I tried to calm my temper. I felt like I wanted to start an inferno.

  “What on earth was Kim thinking?” I complained, my jaw tensing. “I’m going to visit that dating agency tomorrow and give her a piece of my mind.”

  Then I fixed a death glare on Frankie. “You need to stop laughing, seriously.” I felt at my head. “What if this causes my other horn to grow back?”

  I let out a scream, feeling like I was gasping for air. The next minute I felt my hand being enclosed with a cool one and my brow being soothed by cool fingers.

  “Lucy. Lucy. Calm down. It hasn’t grown back and if it does, we’ll deal with it. Hiccups can be overcome, as my own turning demonstrates. Now, look at me and try to breathe properly.”

  I opened my eyes and stared into Frankie’s.

  “Ar-are my eyes red, Frankie?”

  “No. They are your normal human colour.”

  “Would you tell me if they were red?” I frowned.

  “Not on your life, but,” He dragged me unceremoniously to standing, “look in the mirror. Not red.”

  I let out a large exhale.

  I turned back to him. “Sorry for my outburst.”

  “Getting used to them to be honest.”

  “Oh piss off.”

  “See what I mean? Now sit back down. I’ll go get you a cuppa. Then when you’re calmer you can tell me about this date.”

  I glared at him.

  “Purely for the purposes of updating my species manual.”

  I sniffed the air. “Strong odour around here, like, erm, bullshit.”

  He chuckled and left the room.

  “So, I finally think I’m going to get my seafood meal and then he can’t get in the door because his wings are too wide and he’s new and can’t get them to fold away. Of course, the humans can’t see them and so the staff are wondering why he’s hovering around the doorway. I had to tell them he had social anxiety. This he met with scorn because it was a lie and of course angels don’t like lies. So that was strike one for the demon. Anyhow, I figured we’d just settle for fish and chips and a walk up the seafront because I needed to eat - by now I was starving - but I knew already this date was going nowhere. Well, sods law, someone had to be standing next to the seafront in all this bad weather. Idiot drunkards.”

  Frankie continued to nod in all the right places.

  “So the next moment one of the idiots decides to stand on the railings and that’s it, over he goes. And he’s drowning, so Andrew, that was his name by the way, tells me he doesn’t know whether he’s supposed to save him or escort him to heaven. He’s just standing there like a great celestial idiot.

  “In the meantime the coastguards have been alerted, but before they can get there, Andrew decides to jump in and save him. He then flew up in the air in front of all the onlookers, clutching the drunk in his hands. The minute he put him on the pavement, I quickly phoned Theo and he whooshed in and mojo’d everyone around so that they didn’t go into Supe-shock or start snapping pictures on their phones.

  “At that point another angel appeared and took my date away, which was good because I was now sharing my date with the coastguards, Withernsea, humans, and Theo. Then I discovered with all the drama my fish and chips had gone cold.” I spat out.

  Frankie leaned over to his side table and took out a selection of takeaway flyers. “Come on, what do you want to eat? My treat for you having such a bad date.”

  “Pizza. The cheesiest, greasiest pizza money can buy.” I replied, finally letting the angst leave my body. “Frankie, I’m not sure I can do a third date.”

  “So don’t.” He shrugged his shoulders. “I’m not exactly forcing you out of here am I? You have a room here for as long as you need it.”

  “Thanks.” I said. “I’ll have a word with Kim tomorrow.”

  Friday

  “No way.” Kim shouted at me. She actually yelled. “I’ve set up those dates and you cannot let those people down now. You’re to go on every one of them. You hear me?”

  I didn’t think I’d ever seen Kim in such a mood. She even scared me and I was still part demon.

  “Whatever is the matter?” I took the seat opposite her desk as I watched her pace around the office.

  “Nothing.”

  “Doesn’t look like nothing from here. Does someone need to be flambeed? You could ask Rav. I’m kinda trying not to do that while I attempt to lose my other horn.”

  Kim threw herself onto her chair dramatically. “I’ve had four disgruntled customers, because Darius, apparently, is so enamoured with his first match, that he cancelled his other dates. Instead he’s seeing Sierra every night this week. My customers are extremely pissed off that they no longer have a date with a good-looking werewolf.” She narrowed her eyes, “their word
s, not mine.”

  “Your customers, right?” I said, getting up and backing out of the doorway.

  She sighed. “Look, I can cancel them if you want. It’s not your fault, I’m vexed. It’s Darius’, trying to ruin my business.”

  I shouted around the door, almost clear of the office now. “No, it’s fine. I can still go on mine.”

  Friday evening’s date was with an incubus. Luckily as a fellow demon, I wasn’t vulnerable to his womanizing charms. I had to admit he was fit as fuck and if I wanted a lay, not to find the love of my life, he’d have been perfect. He definitely matched up to everything I’d asked for physically and with his interests. However to me he just came across as a sleazeball rather than a seducer.

  “So, you don’t want me to visit your dreams tonight then?”

  “Not a chance.”

  He swung a finger across his neck. “Do you mind if we cut this date short and I go find someone else? Only I have a weekly quota, and last night I had a rest night. I was literally fucking knackered.” He said.

  “Not at all.” I said honestly.

  He beckoned the waitress. “Can you cancel her order? She’s not staying now.”

  My mouth dropped open. I’d gotten as far as a seat at Beached this time and even placed an order, but actually managing to eat here was becoming a distant dream.

  Putting on my coat and grabbing my Chanel handbag, I headed for the door. By the time I swung my body around to take one last look through the doorway, Ian the Incubus had three other women in his booth.

  As usual Frankie’s head appeared around the doorway when I returned home, his eyebrow raised. “Don’t ask.” I told him. “Just get a movie out - the more murder in it the better - while I fix myself a sandwich and then I’m drinking this baby.” I held up the bottle of Fireball I’d bought from the offy on the way home.