Finding Absolution

by Carol Lynne

  Van released Jon’s cock and moved to circle Jon’s well-fucked hole with his fingertip. “I was always in love with who I wanted Blain to be, not who he was. I can’t blame him for falling short of my expectations. I asked too much.”

  “What did you ask of him that was unreasonable?” Despite having Van inside him twice already, Jon wanted more. He planted his feet on the mattress, silently encouraging Van to explore him further.

  Van stilled his hand. “Commitment.”

  Jon reached for a condom and the bottle of lube. He opened the wrapper and turned his attention to Van’s half-hard cock. His growing feelings for Van were too young to be spoken, but he would allow his body to tell Van what his mouth could not. He straddled Van’s muscled body and impaled himself on the growing erection. Bracing his palms on Van’s chest, he began to ride the only man he would fantasise about for the rest of his life. Whether Van was with him in the fields or home in Oahu, Jon knew the man inside him would forever be in his heart.

  * * * *

  While Jon dressed for the street dance in Cattle Valley, Van sat with Bill. He’d spent another day helping Jon as they tried to figure out how to be together for an entire night. “There’s a big picnic tomorrow after the parade. Do you think you could stay here alone tonight? With the dance and the early activities tomorrow, it would be easier, and probably safer, if Jon stayed in Cattle Valley tonight.”

  Bill scowled and sat up straighter in his wheelchair. “Jon’s my grandson, not my nursemaid. I’ll be fine.”

  Fuck. Van leaned towards the older man. “I’m sorry. Have I offended you?”

  Bill shook his head. “Jon gave up a career he loved to pay some sort of unspoken debt to me, a debt that never existed in the first place. We raised him out of love, not because we expected him to take care of us in our old age. Now I fear he’ll give up even more in his pursuit of absolution.”

  By the time Bill had finished speaking, it seemed he’d also run out of energy. “Would you help me into my bedroom?”

  “Are you feeling okay?” Van asked, moving to stand in front of Bill.

  “I’m fine. I’ve just had a long day.”

  Van moved to stand behind Bill’s wheelchair. “I’ll help you to the bedroom and bring you something light for dinner.”

  Bill gave a sharp nod. “Thank you.”

  * * * *

  “Where’s Grandpa?” Jon asked, joining Van in the kitchen.

  Van finished pouring a bowl of soup before setting it on a tray. “He’s tired, said he wanted to spend the evening watching television in bed.” He gave Jon a quick kiss before handing him the tray. “Take this into him and tell him goodnight.”

  Jon glanced at the overnight bag he’d set on the table. “Maybe I should stay home?”

  “Talk to him if it’ll make you feel better, but he said he’d be fine here alone for the night.”

  “Okay.” Jon carried the tray into the bedroom. “Van made you some soup,” he announced.

  “Just set it on the table,” Bill said. “I think I’ll take a nap before I eat.”

  Jon put down the tray before sitting on the side of the bed. “Why’re you so tired this evening?”

  Bill reached for Jon’s hand. “I spent the afternoon looking through Dorothy’s old photo albums. I guess it took a lot out of me.”

  Jon only knew of one other time since his grandma’s death that Bill had felt the desire to revisit old memories. “Were you thinking about Dad again?”

  “No,” Bill answered. “I was thinking of you.”

  “But I’m right here. You don’t need to look at pictures for that.”

  “I watched you and Van through the window earlier. I wanted to see if I’d ever been able to capture that much happiness in your face.” Bill slowly shook his head. “You’ve always been a sweet but often sullen boy.”

  “I loved living here with you and Grandma,” Jon gently argued.

  “I know,” Bill assured him. “I only want you to be happy.”

  “I am.”

  “I can tell.” Bill smiled. “Go to your dance and enjoy your happiness while you can.”

  * * * *

  Van watched Jon as he bought them both refills at the makeshift bar.

  “I like him,” Kai said, trying to get Van’s attention.

  “So do I.” Van hated the thought of leaving Jon.

  “I can tell.” Kai braced his palm on Jon’s vacant chair and leaned towards Van. “You’re in love with him.”

  Van glanced away from Jon for the first time. “How long did it take you to fall in love with Quade?”

  “A few days, but that was the easy part. Don’t forget, Quade left me to return home.” Kai straightened when Quade and George returned to the table. “It was the dumbest mistake he ever made.” He elbowed Quade in the ribs. “Just ask him.”

  “Ask me what?” Quade handed Kai a plastic cup of wine.

  “Tell Van why you left me after we first fell in love.” Kai took a sip of his wine and waited for Quade to answer.

  “I thought my feelings couldn’t be real. They happened too fast and grew too deep. I also thought people here needed me.”

  “And what did you discover?” Kai leant back and kissed Quade’s jaw.

  “That loving you is what I was always meant to do.” Quade returned Kai’s kiss.

  “Think long and hard before walking away,” Kai warned as Jon returned to the table.

  Jon handed Van a fresh beer. “Do you dance?”

  “Yes.”

  “No,” Quade countered Van’s opinion of himself.

  “I dance,” Van argued.

  “Bullshit. You step from side to side like you’re too cool to actually let go and enjoy yourself,” Quade argued.

  Van stood and gulped his beer until the cup was empty. He held out his hand to Jon. “Let’s dance.”

  Jon abandoned his full beer to join Van. It wasn’t until they were on the edge of the dance floor that Van realised he’d never danced to country music. “Maybe we’ll wait for a slow song.”

  “No need.” Jon pulled Van to the centre of the floor as the couples continued to dance in a circle around the perimeter. Despite the tempo, Jon held out his arms and pulled Van into a slow rhythm.

  Van bent and pressed his cheek against Jon’s. He placed his hands on Jon’s ass and squeezed. “I’ve been dying to know what you have on under these jeans.”

  “Then I’ll show you.” Without preamble, Jon untucked his shirt and unbuttoned his jeans.

  When Van realised that Jon would willingly strip down to his underwear in front of the entire town, he stayed Jon’s hands. “Leave me wondering a while longer, but do me a favour and keep your shirt untucked and your button undone.”

  Jon laughed and glanced down at himself. “I look like a slob.”

  Van moved closer and pushed his hand down the front of Jon’s jeans, brushing across the briefest slip of silk. “Red?”

  Jon shook his head. “Each time you touch me, you can guess and once you get it right, you can have me.”

  Van brushed Jon’s cock once more before removing his hand. “Have you had enough dancing?”

  “What’d you have in mind?” Jon asked.

  “A walk. There’re a lot of great people here, but I want more time alone with you.” Van needed to think about the conversation he’d had with Kai and Quade. Would he be a fool to leave even though he’d promised to return?

  “Sounds good to me.” With his shirt untucked, Jon left the dance floor.

  It wasn’t until they’d left the crowd behind that Van heard his phone ring. He pulled it out of his back pocket and glanced at the display. “Hey.”

  “Heads up, Guy’s here,” Quade announced.

  Van released Jon’s hand and turned to scan the area. “Where?”

  “Standing at the bar, twenty yards away from our table. I just thought I’d let you know in case you plan to come back any time soon,” Quade explained.

  Van thought
of Jon’s earlier admission. Even if Guy was no longer the main player in Jon’s fantasies, Van still didn’t want the athlete or his dick anywhere near Jon. “Thanks for letting me know.”

  “He’s drunk, so if you run into him, don’t do anything stupid.”

  “I have no intention of running into him. In fact, I think Jon and I might go up to the lodge.” Van pulled Jon against him. “We’ll see you in the morning.”

  “Yeah, we’re having breakfast before leaving to camp out on the parade route,” Quade reminded Van.

  “Yep, we’ll be there.” Van hung up and shoved the phone in his pocket.

  “Guy?” Jon asked.

  “He’s here, and according to Quade, he’s drunk again.”

  “I’m not afraid of him, and I don’t want to leave just because he’s here.” Jon draped his arms over Van’s shoulders and began to play with Van’s hair. “But if you want to go that’s fine.”

  Van worried that Jon would think he only wanted sex if he took him back to the lodge already. He wanted to experience the celebration, but he didn’t want Jon around when he confronted Guy, which he definitely planned to do before he left town. “Let’s walk a little more and see what happens.”

  Jon gave Van a deep kiss before releasing him. They held hands as they strolled down the sidewalk towards City Hall. “Did Quade tell you about the grandstand collapse a couple years ago?”

  Van had heard the horrific stories. He’d even seen several news programmes on the collapse that had killed several people, injured many more and ultimately brought the townspeople even closer. “Please tell me you weren’t there.”

  Jon lifted Van’s hand to his mouth and kissed it. “I was.” He lifted his chin and pointed towards a thin white scar. “I was one of the lucky ones. The entire time I was helping dig people out, all I could think about was Grandpa and what would’ve happened to him if I’d been killed.”

  Van felt sick to his stomach. Even faced with his own death, Jon had put thoughts of his grandpa first.

  “Anyway, this is what I wanted to show you.” Jon pointed to a statue erected in front of City Hall. “There’s a big plaque at the rodeo arena, but I don’t know if you saw it.”

  “No.” Van stepped up to the bronze cowboy with wings. It was only about four feet tall, but it was on a marble base with a large plaque underneath. He ran his hand over the cowboy’s jeans, amazed at the detail. “It’s beautiful.”

  “An artist from Pennsylvania donated it to the city,” Jon explained.

  Van read the names, grateful that Jon’s wasn’t listed among them. He lowered himself to the grass and pulled Jon down into his arms. Despite the news reports and Quade’s updates, the collapse hadn’t seemed real until that moment. “I could’ve lost you before I found you.”

  “But you didn’t. Maybe I was saved so that you could find me.” Jon licked his lips. “I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but maybe Blain met my parents up in heaven and they decided to conspire to get us together.”

  Van doubted it. Towards the end of their relationship, Blain had rarely thought of anyone but himself. “Were your parents the type who would’ve tried to set you up?”

  “To be honest, I don’t really know. They always had friends around, and people seemed to really like them, so I assume they were well-liked. Their funeral was pretty packed. I do remember that much.”

  “Do you know how the wreck happened?” Van hated to push. Jon had told him he had few memories, but over the previous few days, Jon had shared quite a few bits and pieces about them. Van had a feeling that Jon remembered more than he thought.

  “No. Nobody does, really. They found my dad’s truck at the bottom of a ravine. The highway patrol speculated that something had run out in front of them and Dad swerved to miss it and lost control. They ruled it accidental.” Jon looked at Van. “I’ve discovered something over the years. The worst part of an accident is there’s no one to blame.”

  “They sure as hell blamed me,” Van mumbled. “They claimed Blain died of an accident, but that didn’t stop people from pointing their fingers at me. Which was fine, I guess, because I blamed me, too.”

  “You shouldn’t. You said it yourself, Blain was drunk and you told him to drop out of the competition. If anyone’s to blame it’s him. People need to take responsibility for their actions without expecting others to shoulder it for them.”

  “Yet you still refuse to press charges against Guy,” Van pointed out. “Shouldn’t he take responsibility for what he did to you?”

  “Sure, but that’s on him. All I can do is take responsibility for my part in what happened, and I think I have. I’ve already told you, I don’t have a problem with Guy. I’ll never be dumb enough to be alone with him again, but I’m not the kind of person who keeps score.”

  “Really?” Van didn’t buy it. “Because your grandpa told me tonight that you came back from Seattle to pay some sort of debt that you felt you owed him.”

  “He said that to you?” Jon sat up to face Van. “What else did he say?”

  “That what he and your grandma did was out of love and nothing more.” Van kissed Jon.

  “Then why can’t he see that I came back out of love?” Jon asked, more to himself than Van.

  “He knows you love him, but I think he also feels guilty because he didn’t try to talk you out of it,” Van explained.

  “You must think we’re pretty screwed up, huh?”

  Van pulled Jon against him once more. “Not at all. Actually, I admire you. I’ve only lived your life for two days, and I don’t know how the hell you do it all by yourself. I’m ashamed to admit it, but when I’m at home, I work with Kai for four or five hours and usually end up surfing or stretched out in the hammock for the rest of the day. Compared to you, I really am one of those beach bums they talk about.”

  Jon shrugged. “I guess I don’t think about how much I do during a day, I just do it because it has to be done.” He sighed. “And I can’t think of anything better than lying on a beach every evening.”

  “For the last few years, I’ve grown to love the solitude my home provides, but now you’ve ruined it for me. I know I’ll never again watch a sunset or lie in the hammock without wishing you were with me.”

  “I can be. All you have to do is call me and close your eyes, and I’ll be with you.”

  Van knew a phone call wouldn’t be good enough. He just needed to figure out what to do about it.

  Chapter Five

  Eyes closed, Jon was on the cusp of falling asleep when Van jostled him. “I’m getting wet.”

  Confused by the announcement, Jon opened his eyes. “Huh?”

  “The grass. My ass is getting wet from the dew,” Van informed him.

  “Oh.” Jon got to his feet and held out his hand to Van. “You should’ve said something before.”

  “I was enjoying myself too much, but now it’s getting uncomfortable.” Van stood. “So what do you think, should we go back to the party or head on to the lodge?”

  Van was nervous about running into Guy, that much was obvious, but Jon hated to cut their night short because of it. “I’d kinda like to go back to the dance for a while if you don’t mind.”

  “That’s fine.” Van glanced over his shoulder at the statue. “As long as you’re close, we can do anything you want.”

  As they walked back to the party, Jon pointed out different shops along the way. It was pathetic how much he knew about the town without having met many of its residents. Hell, Van knew more people than Jon and he’d only been in town for a few days.

  Two men stepped out of the shadows and nearly ran into them.

  “Whoa.” Van immediately moved to protect Jon.

  Jon rolled his eyes when he noticed who the men were. He’d never met Ryan Blackfeather or Nate Gills, but he definitely knew who the sheriff and the mayor of Cattle Valley were.

  “You caught us,” Ryan said. He turned to his partner. “This is Van, Kai’s coach.”

 
“Nice to meet you.” Van shook Nate’s hand. “Do you know Jon Porter?”

  “No.” Nate held his hand out to Jon. “Are you from Hawaii, too?”

  Jon felt like an idiot. “No, I live about forty-five minutes from here.”

  Nate stared at the protective arm Van had around Jon and grinned. “Where’d the two of you meet?”

  “Rodeo,” Van answered. He glanced at Jon. “Jon had a little run-in with Guy, and I stepped in.”

  Jon couldn’t believe what Van had just done. Van knew Jon didn’t want to involve the police, yet that was exactly what he’d done. “It was nothing, really.”

  Ryan stared at Jon as he reached into his breast pocket. He withdrew a business card and handed it to Jon. “Here, in case you ever need anything.”

  Jon nodded his appreciation as he slipped the card into his own pocket. “Thanks, but it was just a misunderstanding.”

  Van cleared his throat, clearly unhappy with Jon’s denial. “Where’s Rio?” Van asked.

  “He’s volunteering at the Second Chance Ranch’s food booth. It’s one of our local charities, a place for homeless gay youth,” Nate explained. “And I think they roped Rio into running the cotton candy machine.”

  Jon loved cotton candy. “Where’s that at?”

  “In the gas station parking lot,” Nate replied. “You really need to go. It’s worth the trip just to see Rio in a hairnet.”

  Without discussing it, the four of them started down the sidewalk. Jon still wasn’t pleased with Van’s big mouth and Van seemed to know it. They would definitely have to discuss it as soon as they got away from Ryan and Nate.

  At the edge of the crowd, Ryan reached out to shake Van’s and Jon’s hands once more. “It was nice to meet you,” he told Jon before bending to give Nate a deep kiss. “Break over. I need to get back to work.”

  “See ya later,” Nate called as Ryan disappeared into the crowd. He turned back to Van and Jon. “Where’re you all sitting?”

  Van pointed to the right of the stage. “Over there with Kai, Quade, George and Carol.”