Me & My Invisible Guy

by Sarah Jeffrey

  I watched the second half of the game and the squad, but mostly I thought about Liam and his future. And my own. My parents had never pressured me to do or be anything in particular, and I had no idea what I wanted—or didn’t want—to do.

  Then my mind turned back to the newscast and what everyone would think. Hiding in my room the rest of the weekend would be an excellent strategy. Maybe the worst of it will be over by Monday.

  But Tess was my ride, and she wanted to go to a party after the game.

  “Your virginity is not going to make us miss our junior year, Mallory. Come on. It won’t be that bad.”

  I really wished she’d stop using any variation of the word virgin. It was so awkward. “But the news show, Tess. Let me hide this weekend.”

  “Well, some of us don’t have a boyfriend to go to homecoming with.”

  “Like you’ll find one there?”

  She screwed up her mouth and then rolled her eyes. “Better than staying in.”

  In my other life I would have caved and gone to the party because it was what Tess wanted to do. But now that my secrets were out in the world, I couldn’t help feeling different. And hanging out at a party where half the people probably hated me (and the other half thought I was some sort of freak) was about as appealing as a visit to the gynecologist.

  I looked at Tess, her eyes pleading. “I can’t do it. I just want to go home.”

  Tess dropped me off, clearly miffed, but I knew she’d forget I wasn’t with her once she got there. I called Liam three times, but he never picked up or answered my texts. I was worried, but eventually I gave up and went to bed.

  I woke up the next morning thinking maybe everything that had happened in the last couple of weeks was just one big, horrible dream.

  It was my blank walls that made me realize that it was no nightmare. It was my actual life.

  I cautiously turned on my phone and found sixty-one texts. Some were supportive, saying they were glad I spoke up or that it made them think. Many were just names: liar and slut, to name a few. And there were two pictures sent to show me what I was missing out on. I deleted them without even opening them. I deleted everything but the kind comments—I thought I might need to read those again.

  A knock at my door was followed by my dad stepping into my room. “Mally, you’ve got company.”

  I looked down at my rumpled pajamas. “Who is it?”

  “He said his name was Liam.”

  “What time is it?”

  “Nine.”

  “Tell him to wait. I’ll be right there.”

  I took the world’s quickest shower and made myself as cute as possible. Liam’s downstairs talking to my dad? What are they saying to each other? I was more worried about my appearance at first, but as I finished getting ready, I started to stress.

  Why is he here so early? I couldn’t help but wonder if something happened when he went home. If Liam’s dad saw me as nothing but a distraction… What if he had to break up with me? We weren’t anything official, but we were something.

  And I didn’t want it to end.

  Someone knocked on my door. “Mallory, come on.”

  It was my dad. I pulled open the door, and he was standing there with a coffee mug in his hand.

  “He’s still waiting, and I’ve run out of things to talk about. Would you please come down?”

  I went to the kitchen, where Liam was sitting on one of the barstools at the counter. Waiting for me. “You okay?” I asked.

  “I’m fine.”

  “What happened?”

  He glanced around. “Can we go outside?”

  I led him to the back porch, where the sun was already starting to take the chill out of the air.

  He held my hand as we sat down.

  “So tell me. Are they sending you away to military school?”

  Liam grimaced and shook his head. “If my dad had his way, I’d be on a plane already.”

  The thought of Liam on a plane… leaving me… made my chest tighten and my heart actually hurt. Is this what love feels like?

  I was almost afraid to ask any more questions. Especially with the way he was looking at me. But I had to know. “What happened?”

  I could see that he didn’t want to tell me either. It took him several minutes, but finally he spoke. “My dad thinks I need to simplify my life so that I can concentrate on the application process. He doesn’t want me to be wasting my time on music… girls….”

  “Me?”

  Liam squeezed my hand and pulled me closer. “Nothing is going to change. He may want it to, but it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. I care too much about you to end this.”

  The reality of what he was saying sank in. His dad didn’t want me around. That—combined with all the hate at school—made me want to disappear.

  He lifted my head with his hand and held my gaze for a long moment. “Nothing is going to change. I think I smoothed it over for the time being.”

  “Smoothed it over? How?”

  “By promising to be extrafocused on my applications. Promising to get in.”

  “But you don’t want to go…. You didn’t tell him, did you?”

  He shook his head. “It’ll crush him.”

  “So you’re just going to give up on your own dreams?”

  “But playing music, it’s kind of a fantasy, anyway. It’s not like I could make a living at it.”

  “Who cares?”

  Liam smiled then and laughed a little. “You’re good for me. So what about you? How bad is it?”

  “Bad. I think I’m going to change my cell number.”

  “I saw your interview last night; my mom taped the show. That was some new information… about your sister. How come you never mentioned it?”

  I shrugged. “It was a secret. A secret I shouldn’t have told.”

  Liam shook his head. “Don’t be mad at me for saying this, but you have a lot of secrets.”

  “Not so many anymore.”

  “Tell me something. Something no one else in the whole world knows,” he said.

  “Why?”

  “So I can prove to you that you can trust me.”

  “I do trust you.” At least I was pretty sure I did.

  “Please?”

  I looked at Liam again, at his brown hair, those brown eyes—a real guy. A real guy who made a mistake but cares about me. How much I wasn’t sure yet, but it was real.

  Can I be strong and brave with my heart?

  CHAPTER 21

  Liam made me want to risk it all. Risk my heart, my emotions, everything, to find out what a real relationship looked like, felt like. But wanting to jump into a river and actually doing it were two different things. I had to jump.

  Had to trust.

  Liam waited patiently, stroking the top of my hand with his thumb.

  “When it first happened, it was awful. We didn’t even know if Darby would make it. But for me, it was worse when we got home. I felt lost and scared… and one night, I almost took a handful of pills myself.”

  Liam’s eyes widened.

  “It was just that one time, but I never told anyone. I don’t even know why I considered it. I mean, I saw how awful it was for all of us. I wouldn’t want to put anyone through what we went through. But I came close.”

  Liam wrapped his arms around me and pressed his face into my neck. I relaxed into his embrace, his warmth. It felt perfect.

  He let me go and reached down and took his guitar out of the case.

  He strummed and adjusted it, and after a little bit he looked in my eyes. “First of all, thank you for trusting me with that. And I’m so glad you’re still here. Second, a secret for a secret, right? But I need to sing my secret.”

  I just nodded. There was no way I could get words out.

  He sang.

  “I have been to California,

  I’ve flown across the sea.

  I’ve watched the sun rise up on the shore,

  and seen the mountains ma
jesty.

  I’ve seen more beauty in this land

  than I ever wished to see;

  but sitting right here next to you,

  well, there’s nowhere I’d rather be.

  Because inside all that beauty

  Is a treasure deep inside.

  Its worth is measured in smiles,

  And I want it to be mine.”

  The music stopped and I stared at him, allowing a tear to drip down my face. He reached over and wiped it away.

  “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

  I caught his hand as he brought it back down. I shook my head, feeling like I must be dreaming the moment. But the sun felt warm on my skin, and his hand was strong in mine. And I could almost still hear the music in the air. He squeezed and leaned forward.

  “My secret is—I think I’m in love with you, Mallory Dane.”

  My heart swelled, and I couldn’t speak. Couldn’t breathe. He leaned forward and kissed me. Soft and sweet.

  When it was over—too soon—he smiled at me and shook his head. “I have a theory about you.”

  “You do?”

  “I don’t think anyone really knows who you are. Except maybe Tess. She might know. But everything else. I think it’s all just decoration hiding the real you. I can see it in your eyes.”

  How could he see something like that? When I looked in the mirror, I just saw Mallory the cheerleader, the daughter, the friend. Nothing more. Just me.

  “What do you see?”

  “I see a girl who wants to be free.”

  I did want to be free. Of Todd. Of the lies. “I don’t understand. I am free. Now.”

  “You see my dreams easily enough,” Liam said. “What about your dreams?”

  “I… I don’t know.”

  “You must love something besides cheerleading.” Liam kept strumming the guitar now and then. “Your dad showed me that photograph you took. The one in your living room? Pretty amazing.”

  “I guess everything has been so wrapped up with Darby, I stopped thinking about it.”

  “I can see that. But maybe now it’s your time to find out. Brian says Darby is doing great and that her faith is strong. Don’t worry. Brian’s a good guy.”

  “I hope so. ’Cause if he hurts her, I’m coming after him.”

  Liam laughed.

  “But you’re right about Darby. She’s more… alive… than I’ve ever seen her.”

  “I’ll tell you another secret. Brian told me a long time ago that he wasn’t going to date anyone until after he finished medical school. He wanted to stay completely focused. Then he met Darby and realized that God had other plans for him.”

  “You really believe God has plans for everyone?”

  “Absolutely. That’s why I think you should find your dreams.”

  “So, do you think God plans for you to be in the military? Is that the dream he put inside you?”

  Liam looked like a balloon that had been popped. He stopped strumming and grew very still.

  “No,” he whispered. “No, it’s not.” He set down the guitar and put his face in his hands. “I’ve just been too scared to admit it. To him.”

  “How will he take it?”

  Liam just shook his head. “It won’t be pretty.”

  We made plans to go out that night, and he kissed me at the door, a little longer than he ever had before. I watched him climb into his car and go, then turned to see my mom leaning against the wall, watching me.

  “Mom, you scared me. How long have you been there?”

  She shrugged and walked into the kitchen. “Long enough.” Her voice was flat. She was dressed in her yoga pants and a T-shirt. Since the interview, she had done little more than simply exist in the house with us. Darby had made several attempts to talk to her, but she still seemed unhappy. I knew, without a doubt, that I was the root cause.

  I hovered nearby, allowing the physical distance to buffer me. “Mom, can we talk?”

  She shrugged, and it made me ache inside. I hated that things weren’t right between us.

  “I’m really, really sorry. For everything. But… well, it’s just that Darby seems really happy.” I didn’t add that most of the changes that had happened were good ones—Darby and her new joy, Dad stepping up, me not pretending anymore.

  “I know,” she said, barely above a whisper.

  I felt something rise up inside of me. I wasn’t going to hide anymore. I was free. And I wanted to stay that way. “Then can you forgive me?” I asked.

  Mom nodded, but it wasn’t the kind of forgiveness that I needed, the kind that would let me run back into her arms. Then the phone rang, and anger flashed in her eyes. She picked it up and clicked it twice to hang it up. She held out the phone at me.

  “Have you been hearing this? It hasn’t stopped ringing all morning.” Mom tossed the phone onto the counter and left.

  I was relieved when Tess came bouncing through my doorway a few hours later.

  “What’s up with your mom?” she asked.

  I rolled my eyes. “She’s still upset that Darby went public.”

  “Oh. Yeah. That makes sense.” Tess shook her head. “Can you still work on the posters even though you’re having mom problems?” Tess put her hands together and gave me her puppy dog eyes.

  “Of course. They’re almost finished. But can you clear the junk on my profiles? I can’t bear to look at it.”

  Tess sat down at my computer, and after a few minutes she looked at me. “You didn’t read any of these?”

  I shook my head.

  “Good. I’ll leave the nice ones. People are so stupid.”

  I cleared out the texts on my phone again. It was more of the same, but there were a few particularly nasty ones.

  “Jace is saying I slept with him? Eww.”

  “I got that one, too,” Tess said. “All done.” She moved over to the cushioned bench that sat underneath my window while I sat in front of the computer to start on the poster.

  “Okay, it has to pop. People have to really notice these posters,” she said.

  “It’ll pop.” I took Tess’s notes and spread them out on the desk and opened my design program. Dad always bought multiple user licenses so I could use his programs. Of course, I had mostly used them for creating Todd.

  I told Tess everything that had happened with Liam while I worked. Every once in a while she pointed at something for me to change.

  “So then he asks me what I love and I’m, like, I have no idea and…”

  “Can you make the date bigger?” Tess pointed at the line.

  “Yeah.” I highlighted it and made the font larger.

  “Perfect.”

  “All right. Let’s take this design and make a simple website so we can put it on the posters.” I opened my web builder program and started transferring the design. “Anyway, I told him I didn’t have any idea what my dreams were or what I’m passionate about, and…”

  “What?” Tess stared at me as if I were crazy.

  “What’s wrong?” I looked at the screen, trying to figure out what she was looking at.

  “What do you mean you’re not passionate about anything?”

  “I thought I was passionate about cheerleading, but I’m not sure about that anymore. It’s really all I’ve done. I’m not some brainiac. I don’t have any hobbies. How sad is that?”

  “Duh. Yes, you do.”

  “No, I don’t. I mean, I like cheerleading and all that, but I…”

  “You can’t be serious, Mallory.”

  “I’m dead serious, and he thinks…”

  “Stop.” Tess pointed at the screen. “Look at that.”

  “What about it?”

  Tess laughed. “Mallory, that’s an amazing poster, and now you’re making a flipping website like you’re just brushing your teeth.”

  I looked back at the screen, not seeing what was so amazing about it. “But that’s so simple.”

  “For you. ’Cause you’re good at it. I couldn�
�t pull that off. Why do you think I’m always begging you to do this stuff for me?”

  “So you don’t have to do it.”

  “Well, yeah. But you’re great at it. Do you like doing it?”

  I sat back in my chair. “Yeah. I guess I do. It’s fun to take the different elements and then layer them within the fields so that you create something completely unique.”

  “See? I have no idea what you’re talking about. People make a living at this stuff.”

  I paused, and my mind drifted to Samantha and the redesign. I told Tess about it.

  “You’d be perfect for that,” she said.

  “Really?” I spun my chair around and looked at her. “But I couldn’t work at the paper and do cheerleading. Cheerleading takes up too much time, and then the weekends…”

  “Look. Cheerleading is great and it’s fun and it gives me a chance to force a little more community service into the squad. But it’s not everything. It’s not like either of us is planning to cheer the rest of our lives or coach or open up our own gyms. You’re suspended, anyway, so it can’t hurt to see if you’d like working on the paper. Maybe you can even make it into something people actually read.”

  I laughed, but I couldn’t really argue with the logic. I had the time to explore, so why not explore? “You think the real me is a computer geek?”

  “No. More like an artist but with graphics… and elements or whatever.”

  I did feel comfortable in front of my computer. “Sometimes my dad will get a client who wants really artistic photos, and he’ll let me create an album of shots for them to look through.”

  “My point exactly. You should see your face right now. You’re all lit up and stuff. As a matter of fact…”—Tess pulled me to my feet and in front of my mirror—“that’s what passion looks like.”

  I squinted at myself, trying to see what Tess saw. What Liam saw. I just looked like me. But I did feel happy. Maybe I did have passion.

  I couldn’t wait to tell Liam.