Good Vibrations

by Elizabeth Parrish

  Clearing her throat to get everyone’s attention, Maggie began, “Everyone, as you undoubtedly all know by now, Anna has decided that she would prefer to attempt to put her rather unique skill set to better use elsewhere. Although it’s hard to fathom, Anna has somehow been with us for over three years now and, despite the occasional missed message and office equipment incident, I’m sure we can all agree that the impetuous nature and distinctive personal charm that she brought to her role will not easily be forgotten. Even though, as you can all see today, her punctuality and early morning deportment have occasionally left something to be desired, I can honestly say that I’ve never had another employee quite like her. So, please join me in wishing Anna and her upcoming employers the best of luck with her future endeavours.”

  As Maggie mercifully concluded her verbal assault to some slow, scattered applause and a room full of bewildered face, she turned to me and asked, “Anna, is there anything that you would like to say?”

  Seriously? You really want to give me a public pulpit to get up there and respond after roasting me in front of all my co-workers?

  Taking a deep breath and mentally reminding myself that I might need to get a reference from her someday, I caught a reassuring smile from Veronica and I grinned back at her as I said, “Well, I’m not quite sure what to say after such a sincere, heart-felt send off.”

  But perhaps you could slither back into your lair for an hour or so and try really hard not to notice when your ears start burning while I give it my best shot.

  “As you all know, this was my first real job and I’ve learned some valuable lessons during my time here,” I continued as I glanced at Heather.

  Such as never put one’s faith in a pair of five-year-old miscreants.

  As my gaze turned to Paul, I grinned salaciously as I said, “And, as Maggie has already subtly alluded to, there might have been a few missteps and errors in judgement along the way.”

  That been said, how else does one figure out that perching oneself on top of a photocopier whilst wearing a skirt may not be a stellar career move?

  “But I’ve been lucky enough to meet some amazing people and I wouldn’t trade the experiences that I’ve shared with all of you for anything. Thank you so much for coming out to send me off. I’m going to miss all of you!” I exclaimed, anxious to get out of the spotlight as soon as possible.

  Okay, maybe that last sentiment applied more whole heartedly to some than to others, but I was confident that, with the right amount of liquor, Maggie’s roast was going to turn from horrifyingly embarrassing to mildly amusing and I was totally willing to conduct the necessary research to find out exactly how many drinks that was going to take!

  I don’t drink these days. I am allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs – Robert Downey Jr.

  59. The next day, after I had made the slow swim back towards consciousness and waded through the foggy mist that seemed to have invaded the inner workings of my mind, I was quickly and painfully reminded of the value of proper hydration.

  Veronica had taken me out for drinks after work to commemorate the end of our working partnership and, true to my word, I had indeed managed to figure out how many drinks it took before I could laugh at Maggie’s shocking send off.

  Unfortunately, in one of life’s little ironies, the number had been large enough to have completely wiped any trace of it from my memory.

  Thankfully my phone’s memory was slightly less susceptible to the effects of Pinot Noir than my own, as apparently I had also forgotten that I had tickets for the Tegan and Sara concert that night as part of my birthday present from Elyse and, despite my protestations, my phone was adamant that I only had a couple of hours left to pull myself together.

  As I gently closed my eyes again for a moment, hoping that the relentless thumping in my head might eventually reside, the agonizing sound of my phone’s ring tone immediately sent the pulsing in my head to a whole new level of discomfort.

  How is it that nobody has developed an app that tracks when you’ve been to a bar and automatically switches your phone to silent the next morning? That would definitely be ninety-nine cents well spent!

  Summoning all the energy I could muster, I reached out and hit something in the vicinity of the answer button and mumbled, “Before you give me grief, yes, I am still in bed, but thanks for at least waiting until after noon.”

  “Wow, I must have really worn you out last night, eh?” responded a gravelly voice that most definitely did not belong to my mum.

  Whoa, hold on a second! Last night?

  My recollection of the finer details of my evening might have been a little fuzzy around the edges, but I was 99% sure that there had been nothing more than a little light bar banter with any man that I had come across last night.

  So then to whom did the voice on the other end of the line belong?

  “While I’m sure that you were magnificent, is it possible that some lucky lady decided that one night with you was all she could take without being forever ruined for other men, and perhaps slipped you a fake number to keep from succumbing to your charms again?” I responded cheekily.

  After a lengthy pause, the voice replied far more timidly, “So, I’m guessing that this isn’t Destiny, is it?”

  Destiny? What, did this guy go home with a stripper last night?

  “Sorry bud, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but in no way is this your Destiny,” I replied, feeling inordinately proud of myself for coming up with that retort in my current mental state.

  “But I was so good!” he moaned plaintively in my ear. “She couldn’t have been faking it both times, could she?”

  Ah Destiny, thou art a cruel, heartless bitch. But was it really necessary to pull me into your web of cruelty as well? And more to the point, why do I never seem to have this effect on guys the next day?

  Turning my mind back to my lovelorn caller, I responded as gently as I could muster, “Well, maybe she had just gotten out of a relationship and she was only looking for company for the night?”

  Regardless of what Destiny’s intentions had been, at least my caller had a night of interpersonal activities to look back on for his efforts.

  Worse things could, and most definitely had, happened to others.

  Sigh.

  “I guess you’re right, eh? I mean yeah, maybe that first time was a bit quick, but that second time felt like it must have been almost two minutes. That’s probably all she could take, right?” my mystery caller suggested, sounding far more confident than he had a moment ago.

  Two minutes for the grand finale? I would have to say that the question of whether Destiny was left wanting more last night was just as clear as why I had ended up waking up to this phone call.

  “I’m pretty sure you’re right about that,” I replied as I hung up and threw the covers back over my head.

  Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on Saturday night – Woody Allen

  60. Later that day, having downed several litres of water and a semi-lethal amount of Advil, I miraculous found myself at the concert with Elyse.

  While it had occurred to me that going to a concert with a lingering hangover was probably not the wisest idea, I didn’t want to bail on Elyse and we were both long-time fans of Tegan and Sara.

  Given recent events in my life, I also couldn’t help but take notice of the fact that, beyond their abundant musical talents, both women also seemed to be quite content without men playing a central role in their romantic lives; a trait which I was coming to admire more with every passing day.

  “I’m so glad you didn’t bail on me tonight. It feels like so long since we’ve hung out,” Elyse screeched into my still tender ears as the band emerged onto the stage.

  I could have pointed out that that was because she and Sam had been virtually inseparable ever since he carried her out of the club but I was well aware that that might have sounded a smidge like jealously.

  Plus, I couldn’t really be too sno
tty about her disappearing on me after pushing her to give Sam a chance for so long, but eating ice cream and watching bad reality TV just isn’t the same without company and people get so judgy when you start drinking alone…

  “It’s definitely been too long! Besides, I’ve been thinking that maybe it’s time for me to swear off men for a while, so bailing on you probably would have been completely counterproductive,” I replied, doing my best to keep my voice from getting drowned out by the band.

  Besides, my recent Ben and Jerry’s addiction was going to necessitate me shopping in plus size stores if I spent too many more nights at home alone.

  “Whoa, hold on a second,” Elyse replied, grabbing me by the shoulders and twirling me around to face her as she continued, “There’s no way I’m letting a hopeless romantic like you give up on love after you finally convinced me to give someone a chance.”

  “Are you listening to this song?” Elyse asked, staring at me intently as I focused on the familiar lyrics for a moment.

  “I’m not unfaithful,

  But I’ll stray,

  When I get a little scared.”

  “We both know that that’s been me for as long as we’ve known each other, right?” Elyse continued, her gaze crackling with intensity.

  Elyse’s first serious relationship had started when she was 16 and it had ended crushingly after two years when she found out that the creep had been cheating on her for pretty much the entire duration.

  Elyse had been so scarred by the experience that she had never really given anyone else a chance since.

  As I nodded ruefully in response, she continued “Lets face it, you were right when you told me that I needed to put myself out there with Sam. Yeah it’s scary, but if it works, it’s worth it, right? Besides, it’s almost spring. You’re not allowed to hibernate anymore. It goes against nature,” she concluded with a laugh, holding my gaze a bit longer until I forced a smile back in her direction.

  I can’t believe my love life is so off the rails that I’m getting advice from Elyse. That had to have been one of the most surreal chats of my life.

  And what was up with these lyrics?

  “I just want back into your head,

  I just want back into your head,

  I’m not unfaithful,

  But I’ll stray.”

  Hmm, I wonder how long the flight to Kazakhstan is?

  Why fit in when you were born to stand out – Dr. Seuss

  61. By the time Monday morning rolled around, I had managed to almost fully recover from the weekend’s debauchery and I was genuinely excited to finally take my first step towards a fulfilling career.

  Or, at the very least, one in which my primary task was not turning on a coffee maker.

  In an attempt to turn over a new leaf, I had purposely set my alarm painfully early to ensure that my career as a junior publicity specialist started off punctually.

  And five wardrobe changes and a pair of ripped stockings later, I managed to walk through the door of my new employer a perfectly respectable three minutes early.

  It was probably just as well. Nobody wants to work with someone that’s trying too hard to impress on the first day anyway.

  “Anna, perfect timing,” Nigel greeted me as he emerged from the hallway behind the reception desk, looking dapper as always in a very Mad Men-esqe, peak lapelled, charcoal grey worsted suit, accented with gorgeous pearl cufflinks.

  Thirty seconds in and I could already tell that this position was going to be different. I was positive that those words had never crossed Maggie’s lips upon my arrival to work.

  “Let me show you to your office and I’ll introduce you to Blanche Bader. You’ll be working under her and she’ll be able to teach you everything you need to know about the industry. Are you excited to get started? Nigel asked as he ushered me inside.

  “‘Excited’ really doesn’t cover it,” I replied, my mind already turning to my first fabulous business lunch with a renowned author. “Thank you so much for giving me this opportunity. I’m so happy to finally get a chance to put all of my skills to use in a meaningful role.”

  “Don’t thank me just yet. It’s not the most glamorous position, but you’ll certainly have a chance to work your way up,” Nigel replied as we arrived at Blanche’s office.

  Stepping into the office of a dowdy looking woman who was glowering at me intently with a dour expression from beneath her short, graying, soccer-mom bob, Nigel said, “Blanche, I’d like to introduce you to Anna. As you know, Anna will be under your tutelage going forward.”

  Well, she may not have been quite the fashion maven I was expecting, but she probably made up for it with personality and charm.

  “Yes, Nigel tells me that you’re completely new to the industry and that I’ll have to train you up. Hopefully you’re eager to learn,” she fired back feistily before abruptly turning away to answer a call.

  Or perhaps not.

  Seeing the look of apprehension flash across my face, Nigel tried to reassure me, saying, “Don’t worry, I know she can come across as a bit stand-offish at first but she does warm up eventually and she’ll be a fantastic resource for you. She knows everyone in the industry.

  That’s because she’s probably been around since Gutenberg invented the printing press.

  Stepping into the next room, Nigel continued, “And here we have your office. It’s a bit bare bones right now, but feel free to liven it up and make it your own.”

  The ‘office’ was little more than a broom closet equipment with a tiny desk, a folding chair and a few bare shelves, but after spending three years behind a reception desk, I wasn’t going to complain about three walls to call my own, no matter how closely spaced they may have been.

  “I’ve got to pop out for a meeting but I’ll leave you in Blanche’s capable hands for now. If you don’t have any plans, I’d like to take you out for lunch around 1 to see how things are going,” Nigel noted before ducking out and leaving me to get acclimated to my new surroundings.

  Well, maybe this won’t be so bad. I’ll bring in a few plants, maybe a little IKEA wardrobe. And I’ll probably be so busy learning the industry from Blanche that I’ll hardly even be in here.

  Just then, Blanche poked her head in to my office and said, “I’ve got a conference call in two minutes. Throw on a pot of coffee and bring me a cup. One sugar, no cream.”

  Son of a !@#!@

  I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face – Johnny Depp

  62. A few hours later, I found myself seated across from Nigel at Granville Island’s newest eatery and I was starting to feel a bit better about my career change.

  Blanche had calmed down once I got a little coffee in her (a requirement that I could sympathize with) and she had taken the time to talk me through what I was going to be doing and to answer my questions.

  While the job probably wasn’t going to be quite as glamourous as I had built it up to be in my head, it still promised to be a solid step up from the reception desk.

  “How’s your first day going so far? Does Blanche have you working on anything stimulating yet?” Nigel inquired as we sat down.

  Well, your cappuccino machine proved to be more of a challenge that I’m used to, but it was nothing I couldn’t handle.

  Resisting the temptation to say anything snotty about my first task, I politely replied, “It’s been an interesting day so far. Blanche asked me to help her set up some book store signings for some local authors, so I’ve spent most of the morning on the phone and getting to know some of the other people in the office.”