Rediscovering Peace (Military Love Book 1)

by Rogers, Steffy

“Shhh, babygirl. Calm down. It’s not your fault. I know you don’t want to hear it but that’s what he signed up for. He knew when he signed the dotted line of his contract that he was risking his life. Why do you think I got out? I was tired of risking my life. I wanted to be able to come home and be able to hug my friends and family without being scared that it might be the last time. You can’t blame yourself. He cheated on you and pushed you away. His choices made you walk away. Please don’t push Braden away. You’re all that he has. He needs you and you need him.”

  “I can’t be around him right now. It hurts too much. I love him but I feel like being happy with Braden is a betrayal to Oliver. I know that it’s his fault that I walked away. However, that doesn’t change the fact that at some point I loved him and pictured my life with him. He will always hold a piece of my heart and even his actions can’t change that.”

  “I know. But even Oliver wouldn’t want you not to live anymore. You can’t stop being with Braden because a guy who betrayed you died. I hate that it happened to him and I can’t believe Molly seriously put the blame on you but pushing the one man who loves you away won’t bring Oliver back. He’s gone.”

  “I know he’s gone. You don’t have to remind me. If I could bring him back by not being with Braden I would. I would be with him if that meant he was still alive.”

  “Stop, Skye. Stop right there. I am not going to watch you throw something good away for something you had no control over. Braden is your future. If Oliver was still alive he would want you to move on. You need to get your head out of your ass.”

  “Go away, Caige. You just don’t understand. A man died because of me.”

  I felt so empty. I didn’t know how to deal with Oliver’s death. All I could do was cry and when I didn’t have any more tears left I fell into a restless sleep. At some point I felt Caige get up and leave the room. I heard him and Braden mumbling but I couldn’t make out what they were saying. I drifted back off dreaming of Oliver. We were out on the beach laughing and making out. We were happy. All of a sudden a man came running up with a gun and shot Oliver in front of me. I woke up with a scream. I was covered in sweat and was shaking uncontrollably. Braden must’ve come back to our room at some point because he woke up and wrapped his arms around me.

  “It’s just a dream, sweetheart. It will be okay.”

  “Nothing will be okay, Braden. I can’t believe you would even say that. He’s gone. Oliver is dead for fucks sake! Please, I think it’s better if you go. I can’t be with you right now.”

  I felt Braden get up and instantly mourned the loss of his arms around me. I loved him, there was no doubt about that, but how was I supposed to be happy with one man when the other would never have the chance at happiness again?

  “Are you sure you want me to leave?”

  “Yes. I need to be alone. Please go. I am sure my parents will let you stay with them for a while.”

  “I’ll go stay with Seth. If you need anything please call me. I love you, Skye. I am not giving up on us.”

  “Please leave,” I said and turned on my other side. I couldn’t look at him. The hurt in his eyes would break me even more.

  Sleep was nowhere to be found after that dream so I got up and went to the kitchen in search of something edible. I heard voices from the living room. Caige and Braden were talking. I stayed quiet so they wouldn’t catch me eavesdropping.

  “I don’t know what to do. She’s trying to push me away. I want to give her the space she needs, but I am scared she will slip away again. The eight years without her were hell. Even when I was with Chelsea all I thought about was Skye. I can’t lose her. Not again.”

  “Give her time, man. She will come back around. I know she loves you and I am sure she will come back. She always tries to deal with things by herself. She doesn’t want to burden us with her problems. I think she thinks we don’t understand.”

  “That’s bullshit. You out of all people know I understand what she’s going through. I want to help her get through this. But I have a feeling she won’t let me.”

  “Maybe it’s time for you to open up to her and tell her what happened?”

  “I... Can’t. I don’t want to put the images in her head. They haunt me every day. There is no need for her to worry about them too.”

  “Parker, if you don’t want to lose her you will have to tell her. She has to know that she can trust you and that you trust her. You’ve been hiding this from her for too long. She won’t judge you. We both know it wasn’t your fault.”

  “That’s the thing. I don’t know that. I ask myself every day if I could’ve changed something.” I saw a tear escape Braden’s eye. I wish he would tell me what was bothering him. He put on his jacket and left. It hurt me to see him leave but I had asked him to and Braden would always do what I asked him to. I wanted to be close to him but I couldn’t do it.

  “How much did you hear of that?” Caige had caught me.

  “All of it. I don’t know what to do. I love Braden but I lost a part of me with Oliver tonight. I don’t want to lose Braden either but right now I can’t see him. Will you go to the funeral with me please?”

  “Of course I will go with you. Are you sure you want to do this though?”

  “I have to. I owe it to him. I have to be able to say goodbye or I will never move on from this. I’ll ask Daddy tomorrow to find out when the funeral is. I have feeling Molly won’t tell me if I ask her.”

  Caige and I spent the next hours watching movies. I was so grateful for his company. I would be lost without him. Part of me longed for Braden, but I wasn’t ready to go back to where we were.

  I must’ve fallen asleep sometime through the movie because I woke up to my phone ringing. I got up in search of it and answered when I saw it was my mom calling.

  “Hey, Mom.”

  “Oh, Skye, I am so sorry. Braden called this morning and told us what happened. How are you dealing?”

  “How do you think I am dealing? Oliver died because of me.”

  “Babygirl, it is not your fault. You have got to stop thinking that. Molly was hurt that’s why she spewed those hateful words. I can’t even imagine what she’s going through. Losing you would kill me.”

  “It doesn’t matter, Mom. Anyways, can you ask Dad to call around and find out when the funeral will be? I am flying to Colorado to attend. And before you try to stop me, nothing you say will change my mind. I owe it to him. It’s the least I can do.”

  “Okay, I will ask your dad. I’ll call you when he finds out.”

  Two days later Caige and I were on our way to Colorado. We found out that he would be buried in a small cemetery in his hometown. I was nervous about seeing his parents again and their reaction, but I needed to do this. We rented a car at the Denver airport and drove the hour drive to the funeral home. I was surprised to see all the cars and bikes on the streets. It made me happy to know that so many people had come to honor Oliver’s sacrifice.

  Caige helped me out of the car and wrapped his arm around me when we walked into the funeral home. Molly turned around just as we walked in. Her eyes grew wide, and I could see her hate for me. This was going to be fun.

  “What the hell are you doing here? You killed my son. You are not welcome here,” she spat out.

  “Molly calm down,” Frank said as he walked up behind her. “We are surprised to see you here. If you don’t mind I’d like to ask you to sit in the back. This is really hard on Molly. It’s better for her if she can’t see you.”

  I respected his wishes and we sat in the very back of the funeral home. People were looking at me, whispering. The ceremony was beautiful. A lot of his army buddies came to hold a speech. My mouth fell open when I saw Cody get up to walk to the microphone.

  “Oliver was the best friend I could’ve ever asked for. He was funny and always had my back when I needed him. He only had one weakness. Skye.”

  I swallowed hard trying to prepare for what was next.

  “He never loved anyon
e more than he loved her. I used to make fun of him all the time. Truth be told though, I was jealous. I wanted what they had. I knew Skye couldn’t stand me because I kept telling her that she wasn’t good enough. When I found out that they broke up I was shocked. Most of you know what happened and not a day went by that he didn’t regret his choices. He knew he lost her because of a stupid mistake. The entire time he was deployed we stayed in touch. His last email scared me. It was like something bad was about to happen. I am going to read it to you. Skye, I am sorry for being a jerk all this time. You were good for Oliver.

  I got up and ran towards the front and hugged Cody as hard as I could. Even though he had been a jerk most of the time I was so glad he shared this with us. He lost his best friend. The least I could do was be there for him. I felt someone come up behind me and turned around to see Molly.

  “Skye, I am so sorry. I shouldn’t have blamed you. It’s just all he ever talked about was you. I was worried that it would distract him from being careful. He is right though, we need to be there for each other.”

  I didn’t let her finish and hugged her too. I still believed it was my fault but I wasn’t going to tell her that. I had to be there for them. I needed to be strong.

  I knew life would go on. Eventually...

  Chapter 8

  Braden

  It had been a week since Skye asked me to leave. I hadn’t heard from her and if it wasn’t for Caige keeping me updated I wouldn’t know what the hell is going on. It was driving me crazy that she was pulling away from me. I wanted to be there to help her through this but I knew she needed time. Skye always dealt with stuff on her own. But damn if it wasn’t hard just to sit here and wait for a call or text from her. I had picked up my phone so many times to call her but stopped myself. If she didn’t answer it would just hurt me. I couldn’t handle a rejection. Seth came walking in the living room where I was sitting with a bottle of whiskey. The bottle had been my best friend for a week now.

  “Have you heard from her yet?”

  “Not even a text. I don’t know what to fucking do anymore. I love her but she keeps walking away from me. I don’t know how much more I can handle.”

  “Honestly, man. You look like shit. You also won’t find your answers in that bottle of whiskey either. You need to fight for her or you will end up in a miserable marriage like me.”

  Seth and Krystal Jacobs had been married for five years but everybody could see that they weren’t happy. I often wondered why he was still with her. She was such a bitch. I was actually surprised that she agreed to let me stay here. She couldn’t stand me and vice versa. I couldn’t wait for the day Seth gave her the boot.

  “Yeah I wouldn’t be caught dead in your relationship. Seriously, why are you even still with her?”

  “It’s a long story and one I’d rather not dwell on it right now. Krystal needs me. I can’t just leave her. So what are you going to do about Skye?”

  “If only I knew. Part of me wants to drive over there and force her to talk to me. The other part of me wants to wait for her to come to me. All I have ever done is chase after her. Don’t get me wrong, I would do anything for her, but I am tired of having to watch her walk away. I am starting to think that maybe I will be better off without her.”

  “We both know you don’t mean that. All you ever talk about is how you are going to marry her and spend the rest of your life together. You only get that kind of love once in a lifetime. Don’t throw that away!”

  “I guess you’re right. I am just frustrated. I would never leave her.”

  “Then fight for her. I bet she is waiting for you to call you just as much as you are waiting for her to call you. Stop being stubborn,” Seth said and handed me my phone. He was right. I needed to fight for Skye. I would never forgive myself if I lost her again. I picked up my phone and dialed her number. It only rang once when she picked up the phone.

  “Braden...” I could hear the longing in her voice. Maybe there was still hope for us.

  “Skye. I... Uh... I just wanted to see how you are doing?”

  “I am okay. I am still trying to grasp everything. Look, Braden, I am sorry for being such a bitch that night.”

  “Don’t, sweetheart, it’s okay. Can I come see you? I miss you.”

  “Umm... sure.”

  “I’m on my way. See you in a bit, love.”

  I hung up only to realize I couldn’t drive anymore. Shit. Seth looked at me and as if he was reading my mind he offered to give me a ride.

  “Thanks. I owe you.”

  I urged Seth to drive faster. I needed to get to her as quickly as possible before she changed her mind. We finally arrived at her house... – our house. I jumped out of the car and ran to the door without even looking back. I used my key to let myself in. I was nervous as hell about how Skye would react to seeing me. I just hoped she wouldn’t walk away from me again. I wasn’t sure I could handle another rejection.

  I walked into the living room and found Skye curled up on the couch. She looked up when she heard me approaching and smiled. That was a good sign, right?

  “Hey.”

  “Hey yourself. That was fast.”

  “I was eager to see you. It’s been a long week.” I didn’t know where to start. I needed assurance from her that we would be okay, that she was done pushing me away, but I couldn’t form the words to ask her.

  “Braden, please sit down. We need to talk.”

  I didn’t like the sound of that. We need to talk always led to break ups.

  “I agree we do need to talk. This past week has been hell. I miss you, Skye.”

  “I missed you too. I am also sorry for acting the way I did. Oliver’s death hit me hard, but I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I don’t want to be away from you, but right now I need some time to figure out how to move on from this. Even though I wasn’t with Oliver anymore he was still a big part of my life. I can’t just act like that never happened. I am not breaking up with you. I am just asking you to give me some time to sort through some things. I love you, Braden. I always have and I always will. Please don’t ever forget that.”

  “Skye...” I was at a loss for words. This is not how I expected this to go. I thought we would go back to where we were and I would help her deal with this. I could feel a tear run down my face. Dammit. This woman was going to make me a crying mess.

  “Skye, please don’t push me away. I want to help you heal from this. I can’t watch you suffer. I want you to lean on me and I promise we will work through this together. You don’t have to do this alone.”

  “You mean we will work through this together like we work through your problems together? You can’t sit here and ask me to open up to you, when you are keeping something from me yourself. This goes both ways, Braden. Don’t you think it hurts me when I see your nightmares haunt you?”

  “Is that what this is about? My nightmares? Fuck. Skye. Don’t do this.”

  “What? You’re telling me that you want to be there for me but you won’t let me help you.”

  “Fine. If that’s what you want. I watched two of my soldiers die. We were on a mission when our Humvee hit an IED and blew up. One of my guys told me he had a bad feeling about this mission and that we should turn around. I ignored him. They died because I was too stubborn to listen to him. I walked away with nothing but a few scratches. I should’ve been the one that died that day. Mitchell Madison was only nineteen and Leroy Warner was twenty-two. The pictures haunt me every day so much that I have to see a counselor twice a week for my PTSD. It’s my fault. And I will never forgive myself.”

  I saw the horror on her face, I could tell she was judging me and I couldn’t say that I blamed her. Two men died because I thought Mitchell was being silly. His words invaded my sleep almost every night.

  “SSG Parker, I think we should turn around. I don’t have a good feeling about this.”

  “Put your big girl panties on, PFC Madison. Nothing’s going to happen. We have been on this roa
d a million times.”

  “I don’t know. I think you’re wrong, SSG.”

  “Shut up, PFC. We will be fine.”

  That was the last thing I remembered before I felt the impact of the explosion. I was thrown up in the air and crashed on to the ground. Hard. Shit. This hurts. I looked around. The Humvee was in flames and I could see parts of it lying around on the road. What the fuck just happened? I tried to get up but the pain made it impossible for me to stand. I crawled around in search of my soldiers. That’s when I noticed an arm sticking out under the Humvee. I slowly made my way over there. It was PFC Madison. His body was caught under the vehicle. I pulled on his arm trying to get him out but I failed. His eyes were on me.

  “I’m so sorry, Mitchell. I should’ve listened to you. I will get you out of here. Everything will be alright. I promise.”

  “Can’t. Feel. My. Legs,” he managed to say. He was having a hard time breathing. That’s when I saw that a part of the vehicle was stuck in his torso. I couldn’t make out what it was. Shit. I needed to get him out.

  “Please make sure my family knows how much I loved them,” he whispered as he closed his eyes.

  “No. No. NO. Don’t say that. You will make it out of here. You can tell them yourself,” I begged him but he didn’t respond. I checked his pulse and knew then that I just watched my soldier take his last breath. It was my fault. A sob escaped me. But I had to get my shit together. SPC Warner was still here somewhere. I had to make sure he was fine. I finally managed to stand up ignoring the pain that surged through my body. Fuck it. My soldier needs me. I limped around and finally found his body. He was dead. His face was almost unrecognizable. I fell to the ground and cried for what felt like an eternity. I barely remember my leadership arriving at the scene and pulling me up. As soon as they got me into the helicopter I passed out.

  “Braden?” Her words pulled me out of my thoughts. She looks worried. I spaced out completely.

  “I’m sorry. I spaced out for a minute.” That’s when I felt her get up and put her arm around me. I had missed her touch so much.