by Emily Snow
“I’m making love to you tonight, Eliza,” he whispered in my ear, his voice heavy and husky.
My throat tightened, but I swallowed all emotions and nodded my head, bringing his face to mine again. I kissed him, pulling his body against mine so no space could be between us. I wrapped my legs around him, clinging to him for dear life, as if he would just randomly leave me.
He slid inside me slowly, pulling his lips away to get a look into my eyes. I stared back as the full feeling consumed me, causing a moan to brush past my lips. His eyes were soft with an edge of steel as he focused on every emotion that took hold of my face. This wasn’t like it was when he took my virginity. I thought that was the best time of my life, but I was wrong. This was better because this wasn’t just sex. This was love. Fiery, intense love, and I was enjoying it. He groaned as he thrust into me, stroking as gently as he could and lifting my leg around him to bury himself deeper.
He lowered himself, his fingers sliding up my arm to get tangled with mine. His other hand was in my hair as he kissed me over and over again. I could tell he wanted to let go, that he wanted to just release. By the glazed look in his eyes, I saw it coming, but he squeezed my hand and continued until I was there. Until I screamed his name, dragged my fingernails through the creases of his back, and moaned into his mouth.
He emptied himself right after me, grunting against my neck and shuddering a dozen times. Sweat spilled from his body and onto mine as he fell on top of me, both of us breathing heavily. His fingers were still tangled with mine. His breath trickled onto my neck and my ear, and I was completely satisfied with him against me.
I tangled my fingers through his hair and after a few moments, he whispered something to me that almost made me cry again. It was heartfelt, deep, and I knew he meant it.
“I love you, Eliza.”
“I love you, too, Gage. So much,” I whispered.
He seemed content with my reply because he leaned up on his elbow, kissed me while cupping my face, and then fell onto his back beside me with a heavy sigh. He was staring at me for a while, and I grabbed his hand again. He brought up his hand, my fingers still entwined with his, to kiss my knuckles, his gaze deep.
Caring.
Sincere.
Loving.
I couldn’t look away.
Finally, he turned his head, but his fingers were still laced with mine. He stared at the ceiling as if in deep thought, but then his eyelids grew heavy and soon they shut. His panting transformed into even breathing, his chest sinking and rising. I knew he was about to fall asleep, but I had one question I really needed an answer to.
“Gage?” I whispered.
“Hmm?” He sounded restless.
“Why was it so hard for you to take my virginity?”
His breathing picked up again as he tensed. I held on to him tighter, listening as his heartbeat sped up. “I don’t know… My sister, I guess,” he murmured. I remained quiet, hoping he would continue, and surprisingly he did. “She was raped when she was eighteen. I hated that it happened to her because all she used to talk about before it happened was how she couldn’t wait to meet the right guy and give herself to him. She said it was going to be the best feeling in the world.” His voice cracked and my heart ached for him, holding on even tighter. “There was one night when she was crying about it and I tried to comfort her. She told me to promise her to never take a girl’s virginity unless I was planning on loving that girl.” My heart skipped a beat, and then he kissed my forehead. “I didn’t know if I was ready to face love with you, Eliza,” he whispered.
I nodded my head, completely understanding. I didn’t know either and now that he explained it, it made me feel much better. That night when he took my virginity, I knew he loved me. He was falling for me even more while taking my innocence away. It comforted me to know he loved me way before I’d even given thought to it.
Sighing, Gage kissed my forehead again. I knew he didn’t want to talk about it anymore, so I kept quiet, listening as his breathing evened out again. Ten minutes had passed and he’d become completely still. The tension faded, letting me know he’d fallen asleep.
I turned on my back, staring up as the ceiling spun above me. More tears threatened to spill, but I bit them back, begging my body to hold off. Unfortunately, my body worked against me, knowing I needed to let it out. My heart knew just as much as my mind did that in less than seventy-two hours, Gage and I were going to go our separate ways. He was opening up to me so much and I didn’t want to let it go.
It killed me to know I would be leaving all of this behind, and the tears grew heavier, but I made sure not to sob. I didn’t want to wake him. I didn’t want him to know I couldn’t stay. I was getting his hopes up by not telling him, but… I just couldn’t. The look in his pleading eyes squeezed my heart and tore me apart. He was going to expect me to stay with him for the rest of the tour, but that wasn’t going to happen. I had to get back to my own life. To reality. I had to go back to school, study, and get my degree. I had to make a living for myself, and I couldn’t do that with Gage—not when he was going to constantly be on the go. Not when he had his own dreams to chase and his own accomplishments to take care of. Maybe in the future we could work something real out, but right now, we weren’t ready. I wasn’t ready.
We lived two completely different lives and it was unfortunate that I couldn’t be a part of his like he wanted me to be. I couldn’t be by his side at all times, even though it was all I wanted. I had to put my priorities first and that was school. I refused to be like my mother, who dropped out of college. I wanted to be better than her and prove to myself that I could do it.
At least Ben was right about one thing between Gage and me. I’d found out the truth from Gage. I knew how he really felt about me. I knew how I felt about him as well. It was too strong not to feel. He pulled me in each day, with each smile and each hug. Each tender kiss and each moment we shared together. It sucked that at the end of all our fun, it was going to hurt him to watch me leave. I didn’t want to hurt him and knowing we were going to have to part ways was already ripping me in two. I didn’t know exactly what he would do, how he would handle my decision once I told him. I really didn’t want to say good-bye at all. I just wanted to leave… but I knew that would hurt him and break his heart even more.
I broke down then, facing the truth. On Sunday, the morning after their show, I was leaving to work for my own future, and I didn’t know when I was going to see Gage Grendel again.
And damn it, it killed me.
I watched Gage sleep for most of the night. He always looked so peaceful when he slept. He mumbled a few names in his sleep. One was mine (and at the sound of it my heart thumped rapidly with delight) and the others were Kris and Mom. I worried he was having a nightmare because he started shaking and grumbling beneath his breath. If I weren’t mistaken, a tear had fallen while he was still sleeping.
I reached for him immediately, shaking him out of his slumber. He inhaled deeply, his eyelids fluttering open as he clutched my hand. “It’s okay, Gage. I’m still here,” I whispered, stroking his hair. He was still panting uneasily, staring into my eyes. His were glistening beneath the pale moonlight, and I sighed. “What’s wrong?” I asked.
He shook his head, blinking rapidly as he pushed on his elbows to sit up. “Uh… nothing. Just a nightmare.” He sighed, running a rough hand through his hair. I studied him thoughtfully, my head tilting.
“Do you wanna talk about it?”
“No. We should probably go back to sleep.”
I frowned. “Gage, please tell me what that was about. You were crying in your sleep.”
“It happens.” He shrugged, his gaze drifting to avoid mine.
I reached for his face, forcing him to look at me. “Tell me,” I whispered, kissing his lips. “Please. I swear I won’t judge you. I have no room to judge anyone, Gage.”
His eyebrows furrowed, his eyes glistening again. He pulled his face away and sighed again, swa
llowing noisily. He then reached for the sheets to pull them over us again. He pulled me against him and I wrapped my arm around his middle, pressing my cheek against his chest. “I’ll tell you if you tell me why you have PTSD.”
I swallowed but nodded because, even though he didn’t know it, I’d promised him and myself a long time ago that I would spill something in exchange for some background on him. “Okay. I will. Promise,” I whispered.
Gage sighed, bringing his free hand up to his face and running his palm over it. His back was against the headboard, and as I looked up, he was staring across the room, suddenly in deep thought.
“Just tell me what you want to know,” he murmured.
“Tell me about Kristina.”
He stilled for a minute, but I grabbed his hand, assuring him it was going to be okay. “Kristina,” he breathed out, squeezing my hand. “She was my favorite person on Earth… after my mom died.” He paused again, swallowing the emotion. “My mom died when I was four years old, but I swear I remember everything about her. She called me her little prince, her hero. Her miracle.”
“Her miracle?” I questioned curiously. “Why?”
“When I was born, I was sick. I wasn’t as healthy as they thought I’d be. I had heart problems and they’d even told her I probably wouldn’t live past five…” He choked and I squeezed his hand, begging him not to stop. “It was my birthday. I was turning four and my mom threw a huge birthday party for me. She never told me I had a chance of dying—that I was sick. I didn’t find out until I was twelve and the only reason I found out then is because my dad yelled it at me while he was drunk one night. Had I known why she was throwing such a huge party for me, I wouldn’t have relished in it. I would have been bitter, angry at her.”
I frowned. “Why?”
“That same night she came in and kissed me goodnight. She told me she loved me so much, and I thought she was just being an emotional mom. Her tears confused me, but I was young. I couldn’t question it like I wanted to. If I would’ve known what she was going to do, I would’ve stopped her. I would’ve begged on my knees for her not to go.”
Gage choked again, his grip tightening around my hand. I adjusted myself beside him to get a good look at his face. A tear had fallen down his cheek. I gasped, reaching to brush it away. “What happened to her?” I whispered.
He didn’t answer right away. He seemed to be recollecting his breath. He was reliving the memory and I hated how torn he looked. “My mom died to give me her heart. So I could live on… She gave it to me. We had the same blood type and she was tired of waiting on someone else’s heart, so she…”
I gasped again as more tears ran from his eyes. He shut his eyelids, lowering his head and most likely reliving the memory. “Gage, I’m so sorry,” I whispered, pulling him against me to hug him.
He sobbed a little, swiped at his face, and then pulled away, inhaling deeply. “I would have done anything to stop her. My mom meant so much to me. When I found out she passed away, Kristina told me it was just her time to go. She never went into detail, and I didn’t think on it when I’d gone into surgery two days later and came out a healthy boy. My mom told me over and over again that she would die for me. That she would give up everything for me. I used to believe her, but I never thought she’d literally do it.”
“Oh,” I mumbled. “So where is Kristina now?”
He shook his head and glared at his lap. “I don’t know.” I remained silent. How could he not know where his own sister was? Before I could ask, he spoke up again. “A few years after my surgery, we moved from Texas to Virginia. Kris begged my dad to get us an apartment so we could move out, and he did, but of course he didn’t do it for free. Kris had to pay him back. My dad was and still is a huge dick, and the only reason I’m glad he’s a part of my life is because he gave the band and me our breakthrough. He introduced us to Ben and Ben took it from there, setting us up on gigs, traveling for talent shows, singing at parties, until finally we were picked up and given a record deal.”
“Ben knows your dad?” I frowned. That was news to me.
“Yeah. He met my dad at his… strip club.” He looked at me sheepishly and I laughed a little. “My dad owns a chain of strip clubs, and I hated it. He worked late nights, went in early for no apparent reason. I don’t like what my dad did to my mom before she died. He broke her heart in more ways than one. He cheated on her countlessly with women he didn’t even know… At least that’s what Kris told me. We traveled so much that no place seemed like home except Suffolk.” Gage clamped his mouth shut, looking at me again. “I guess he’s a part of the reason I thought it was okay to do it as well. He was the only man around when I was younger. I thought it was cool he always had chicks on his hip. When I was a teenager, I knew it was wrong, but it felt good to do.”
I pursed my lips, shaking my head teasingly. “You’re drifting from Kristina again.”
“Oh, right.” He adjusted himself against the headboard, clearing his throat. “Well, after Kris and I moved out, we used to stop by my dad’s club every week so she could get some money from him to pay certain bills. Kris searched all over for a job, but no one would hire her because… Well, she’s, like, a girl version of me—tattoos, bed hair, love for music, kinda careless. We had the same characteristics, and I think that’s why I loved her so much—not only because she was my sister, but because she was like a best friend as well. After my mom died, Kris was the one who raised me. We hardly ever had a penny and she hated asking my dad for money but did so anyway because she knew he’d give it to us. He’d only give it after a lecture, though. He’d always ask her to join the strip club and dance for him. He would tell her over and over again that she wouldn’t have to worry about a dime, but she always refused. She would tell him over and over again that she had responsibilities—taking care of me.
“It wasn’t until I was ten years old when things started to change. When Kris started drifting from me. She’d leave me home alone sometimes. She’d leave a note on the counter telling me to fix a sandwich and chips for dinner and to go to bed on time. I broke the curfew a few times while waiting on her. One night I wished I hadn’t.” Gage’s features hardened as he pressed his lips together. “She came home drunk with matted hair, wearing fishnet stockings and too much perfume. Her makeup was smeared; her breath reeked of alcohol—she just didn’t look like the Kris I knew. This started happening after she’d gotten raped. I could understand her pain, but I was upset she was trashing herself.
“I helped her get undressed, helped her into the shower, and even helped her get into bed that night. She kept shivering and I didn’t know what else to do, so I curled up against her side to try and keep her warm. She still quaked, but it wasn’t as hard. I knew exactly what was happening to her, so that night I made her promise to stay away from Dad and his club. I made her promise she would find a real job and come home to me like she was supposed to. She was all I had. I didn’t want to lose her, too.”
I bit my bottom lip, thinking he’d continue, but he remained silent, his eyes distant. “Did she stop?”
He laughed humorlessly. “If she stopped, I wouldn’t be so upset with her right now. I would know where she is. Who she’s dating and what she’s doing every day.”
“Oh,” I whispered. It was all I could manage. I could see the pain in his glistening eyes, but he was trying to fight it.
“I won’t act like she didn’t try, though. She did. That same night she kissed my forehead and said, ‘Okay, kiddo.’ She did well for the next five years. She found a job at a retail store and went to work every morning while I went to school. She’d pick me up after school and we’d go out to eat, to the park, or just go home and hang around the house and watch movies. We’d make songs together, play our guitars—she taught me how to play—and we’d be our own band. It was fun… but then she started disappearing again. When it happened again, I was fifteen. It was my freshman year and I’d just met Deed, Roy, and Montana. They occupied most of my ti
me and sometimes I’d come home late from a night out with them… but she still wouldn’t be home.
“Then one night, I knew I couldn’t face her again. I came home from practicing guitars with Roy at the park. It was late when I got back—around three in the morning maybe. I remember it was the weekend. Shower water was running when I stepped in, so I knew she was home. It wasn’t until after I’d eaten a bowl of cereal, changed into pajamas, and then slid between my sheets that I realized how long she’d actually been in the shower. I scrambled out of bed and rushed for the bathroom. To my luck, it was unlocked, but I hated what I saw. She was bent over in the tub, her head hanging beneath the shower water. It was cold. I felt it as I pulled her against me in a panic. She had vomit on her shirt, in her hair, on her too-short dress. She looked like complete shit and it freaked me out.
“The next morning, Kris was nowhere to be found. The next week, she was nowhere to be found. The next month, still nowhere to be found. I picked up two part-time jobs and in between those, I had school and then I would practice with the band. I was exhausted, ready for it all to end. I was on the verge of dropping out one time, but I didn’t. It was hard not to do, but I motivated myself to keep going.
“I hated Kris for so long. She promised me she would give up on it. She promised she would always be here for me—that she’d always take care of me. She promised that she would be just as caring and sweet as Mom. She promised that when my dream happened, she would be backstage, rooting me on. She broke all her promises. I haven’t seen Kris since I was nineteen years old. It kills me to know it’s been five years.
“The last time I talked to her was when the band had just signed our record deal. We were happy, money was rolling in, and I’d even bought my own condo. I don’t know how Kris found me, but she showed up at my doorstep one day. She looked terrible, Eliza. Sick,” he said, his eyes horrified. “She was skinnier than I’d ever seen her before. Bags were beneath her eyes; her hair was matted; her lips were chapped. She said she was okay, but I knew she was doing every drug in the book. Of course I let her in. She was still my sister. I still loved her. I even let her stay at my place that night and begged her not to leave.