Rodeo Regrets

by Shannon Taylor Vannatter

  “I think I’m just tired. I haven’t slept well in forever. Until last night. Could you take me home?”

  No. He wanted to spend time with her. “You need to eat.”

  “I’ll eat a sandwich at home. I’m sorry.”

  “I was looking forward to lunch.”

  “Maybe another time.”

  Maybe? How had they gone from her waiting in his truck after church to ‘maybe’?

  “Hey, what did I do?”

  “Nothing. I just need to get home.”

  To get away from him. Why? He’d told her it didn’t matter to him. “What about your car?”

  “I’ll get Kendra to drive it home tonight. Hers and Stetson’s place is down from mine.”

  “I could swing by and drive you to church tonight.”

  “Maybe.”

  Definitely the brush off. “Natalie, don’t do that.”

  “What?”

  He pulled into her drive and parked. “Push me away. I care about you.”

  She hugged herself. “I’m a mess right now.”

  “Me, too. Maybe we can clean up our messes together.”

  “I’ve been with so many...I think it’s better if I’m alone for a while.”

  “Friends. That’s all I’m asking.” Okay, so it wasn’t what he wanted, but it was a start. He held both palms up toward her. “Completely hands off.”

  “We’ll see how it goes. But thanks.”

  “For?”

  “Caring. Knowing everything you know about me and still wanting to be my friend.”

  “I’m no saint. I’m the one who...” He closed his eyes and shook his head. If only he’d realized what he had back then when he’d had her. If only he’d been a Christian and treated her right. “I’ve got my share of regrets.”

  She opened her truck door.

  He reached for his own handle. “Let me walk you in.”

  “I’m fine.”

  Or rather, determined to be fine, even though she wasn’t. She slid off the seat and slammed the door. Her shoulders drooped a bit as she hurried to her house.

  Determined to be fine. Without him.

  At least he didn’t have to worry about her hanging out in bars and leaving with men she didn’t know. Thank You, Jesus.

  * * *

  Friends? How could she be friends with Lane? Which was worse: having him near or not having him at all? A toss-up. It hurt either way.

  She curled into her oversized sofa, a throw pillow pressed to her stomach.

  Her phone rang and she grabbed the handset from the iron-and-glass coffee table.

  “What are you trying to pull, Natalie?” Wyatt’s angry tone chilled her.

  Had he been this angry while speaking to the pastor? Or had Brother Timothy managed to soothe him, too?

  At least until he’d heard her voice again. “I just want to talk to you. That’s all.”

  “You’re not taking her away from me. I’ll take you to court.”

  “I don’t want to take her away from you. I promise.”

  “Your promises never got me anywhere in the past.”

  She closed her eyes. “You’re right. And I’m sorry. But I’m different now, Wyatt. I’m a Christian.”

  Stunned silence for several seconds. “I hope this isn’t another one of your games.”

  “I’d never pretend to be a Christian. This is real.”

  “I never know with you.”

  “True—in the past. But you’ll know—in the future.”

  “I hope so.”

  Had his tone softened a bit? “Are we meeting at the church sometime?”

  “Yes.” He hissed between clenched teeth. “Six-thirty on Tuesday night.”

  The line went dead.

  She sank to the couch.

  Her front door opened and Mama entered. Her smile held bigger wattage than pictures from her pageant days. “Durlene called me.”

  Clay’s mom and Mama had been friends for years. Why was this news?

  “Rayna said you were at church and she heard you spoke to Brother Timothy and got saved. Is it true?”

  Natalie nodded.

  “Oh, Nattie, I’ve prayed so hard for this day.” Mama’s eyes welled up. She settled next to Natalie and hugged her.

  “Right now I don’t feel very saved.” Natalie hugged her mom tight.

  “You’ll have lots of days like that. I still have ’em and I got saved eleven years ago.” Mama smoothed her hand down the length of Natalie’s hair. “What’s got you upset?”

  “I had a fight with Wyatt on the phone.”

  “About Hannah?”

  “I talked to Brother Timmy—I mean Brother Timothy— about all these weird feelings I’ve been having about her. He thinks I need to see her.”

  “So do I.”

  “You’ve said that since the hospital.” Natalie sighed. “Guess I should have listened.”

  “I know from experience, you can’t become a mama and it not affect you. Wyatt doesn’t want you to see her?”

  “We’re meeting with Brother Timothy tomorrow night about it.”

  “I think Brother Timothy took some counseling classes. He should be a great help.”

  “I hope so.” Natalie’s shoulders sagged. “Let’s just say Wyatt’s not thrilled. I think he’s afraid I’ll try and take her away from him.”

  “Is that your plan?”

  “No.” Natalie pushed away from Mama. She stood and paced, her heels clicking quick rhythmic steps across the tile flooring. “To be honest, part of me wants that. But I can’t do that to her, and I have no rights. I gave her up. Even if I did have legal rights, I don’t want to disrupt her life. I just want to be a part of her world. For her to know who I am.”

  “Wyatt will come around. Does he know you’re a Christian now?”

  “He thinks it’s a trick.” Natalie bit her lip. “I can’t blame him. It’s something I might have pulled a few months ago—if I’d thought about it.”

  “But that’s not who you are now. I’ve seen God working on you for a while now.” Mama cut her off midpace. “I’m proud of you.”

  Tears scalded Natalie’s eyes. It had been so long since she’d made Mama proud. “Thanks. I’m sorry for all I put you through.”

  “It’s in the past.” Mama grabbed her hand. “Let’s go tell your father.”

  Natalie’s stomach twisted. She pulled her hand away. “He doesn’t want to see me.”

  “He does. He’s regretted what he said from the moment he said it. And you’re a Christian now. That news might heal everything.”

  “Might?” Natalie lifted an eyebrow.

  “There are no guarantees in life, Nattie.” Mama held her hand out.

  Natalie stared at it. Could Jesus heal her relationship with Daddy? She certainly couldn’t do it on her own. She uttered a quick prayer and placed her hand in Mama’s.

  * * *

  Mama tugged Natalie inside the house she’d grown up in. “Daniel! Daniel! You’ll never guess who’s here.”

  Natalie’s insides quivered. Would her legs hold her up? She leaned against the Queen Anne table in the foyer. Her cousin’s decorating touch was apparent in the creamy walls and matching satiny drapes.

  “Daniel!”

  “I’m coming, Claire. You’ll wake the dead. What are you all fired up a—?” Daddy stepped into the entryway and caught sight of her. His eyes widened. A smile tugged at his mouth, but didn’t quite form or rid his eyes of their sadness. “What are you doing here?” His tone was soft, regretful.

  Regretful that she was here or that they’d slung angry words in the past? Natalie’s stomach twisted.

  “We have the most amazing news.” Mama
did a little bounce.

  “Oh?” Daddy’s features schooled into a mask, but he still couldn’t hide all the pain and embarrassment she’d caused him.

  “Natalie went to church this morning and she got saved.”

  Daddy cleared his throat. “Some weird cult?”

  “No,” Natalie said. “The same church Clay and Rayna go to. I talked with the pastor, Brother Timmy—but now he’s Timothy Andrews. He helped me realize I’ve lived a sinful life.” Her voice quivered. “And I need a savior. I accepted Christ, Daddy.”

  His chin trembled.

  Chapter 6

  Daddy pulled her into an embrace. “Welcome home, sugarplum.”

  Her tension melted away, leaving her weak and drained. “I’m sorry for—”

  “No. I’m sorry. The family honor wasn’t worth losing my daughter. I should have supported you.”

  Pressure built in her chest as if it would explode. A tremor moved through her and she tried not to sob.

  Daddy hugged her tighter. “I’ve done plenty of shameful things in my life. Just never got caught. I never should have cast you to the wolves.”

  The front door opened and Caitlyn burst in. “What’s going on that I had to drop everyth—?” Her sister’s steps faltered. “Natalie?”

  “Your sister’s come home, Caitie.” Mama’s camera flashed. “It’s perfect, having my two girls home, and now for eternity.”

  “Huh?” Caitlyn frowned.

  “Nattie got saved this morning.”

  Caitlyn’s frown turned upside down. “That’s awesome.” She joined in the hug.

  Mama grabbed a tissue and dabbed carefully around her eye makeup. “It’s everything I’ve prayed for. Except...oh, if only Millie were here.”

  Mama had pined for Millie—her missing sister—since her disappearance at sixteen. At least Natalie had managed to give Mama some peace.

  Mama wiggled into the embrace.

  A piece of Natalie’s heart clicked into place. Now, if only she could sort through things with Hannah, and fill the hole Lane had left, maybe her heart would heal completely. Or maybe Jesus could fill the empty parts for her.

  * * *

  Natalie’s hands shook. She crossed her legs, then uncrossed them.

  Brother Timothy sat behind his oak desk. Star sat in the chair beside Natalie facing the pastor. Wyatt paced the office, like a tiger on display at the zoo.

  Visine and concealer had erased all traces of her emotional reunion with Daddy over the last couple of days. Good as new.

  New. A new creature. Brother Timothy had read her verses about Jesus making everything new. And Kendra had given her verses to read about God’s view of sex outside of marriage. Why was she thinking of that?

  She hadn’t understood half of what the pastor told her. Except that God loved her. And He wanted her to change. To love Him. To honor Him with her life.

  What was that verse about Him dwelling in her heart? What had Kendra said about once you become a Christian, Jesus went everywhere with you?

  Be at this meeting with me, Jesus.

  Numerous volumes lined the bookshelves, but the most important—the Bible—lay open on the pastor’s desk.

  Brother Timothy cleared his throat. “Well, since everyone’s so talkative tonight, I’ll start things off. Natalie just wants to see Hannah. Perhaps we could set up a visit.”

  “She gave up all her rights.” Wyatt wheeled around toward the pastor. “I don’t have to let her see Hannah.”

  “Think about what’s best for Hannah. Natalie is her mother.”

  “It’s too late for that. I have complete custody.” He jabbed a finger at Natalie. “She signed the papers. This is all because she’s jealous. I’m married and happy, and she can’t stand it.”

  “That’s not true.” Natalie’s eyes stung. “I’m happy for you.”

  Star stood and met Wyatt midpace. “Calm down. Give her a chance.”

  Why would Star give her a chance? Yes, Star really was that sweet. It wasn’t an act.

  “She had her chance.” Wyatt growled. “She wanted to kill Hannah. The only reason she didn’t is because I begged her not to, and then she couldn’t get away from Hannah fast enough.”

  Natalie covered her ears. If only it weren’t true. But it was.

  Except the last part. She hadn’t wanted to leave Hannah. She’d just thought if she did, she could get back to her carefree life. But it hadn’t worked.

  “One never knows the state of another’s soul,” Brother Timothy’s voice soothed. “And I haven’t known Natalie long, but I sense God doing a work in her.”

  “She’s a player.” Wyatt’s jaw clenched. “You see what she wants you to see.”

  She flinched. He had her pegged all right. But something inside had ripped in two when she turned her back on Hannah.

  Wyatt raked a hand through his sandy hair and turned toward her, his hard features softening. “But I used to be a player, too. I reckon if I can change, you can, too.”

  She smiled. “I see you’ve changed. Guess I’m not the only one God’s been working on.”

  He stared as if she’d sprouted a mane and tail. “I never imagined you in church, talking about God.”

  “Right back at you.”

  He grinned, but the smile soon faded. “I don’t want Hannah getting attached to you and then you disappearing on her. You planning to stay in town? Being a part of her life?”

  “To be honest—” Natalie swallowed hard “—I don’t know. I just know that I haven’t been the same since she was born.”

  “We don’t have to tell her who Natalie is.” Star settled in the chair beside Natalie again. “She can be a friend. If we downplay the whole thing, it won’t be a big deal to Hannah.”

  An ally.

  “You married a wise woman.” Natalie nodded. “The right woman. I don’t know how you got so lucky.”

  Wyatt laughed. “Me, neither. Reckon God smiled on me on that one.” He stopped behind Star, his hands settling on his wife’s shoulders. “Let me think on it.”

  “Fine.” Natalie dropped her gaze to the hardwood floor. “It’s a lot to take in.”

  “But—” he pointed at her again “—if you even think about trying to take her, I’ll come after you with everything I’ve got.”

  “I’m glad you love her that much.” Natalie’s voice wobbled.

  “Seems to me, having one more person to love her couldn’t possibly hurt Hannah.” Brother Timothy smiled. “I think we can work this out amicably.”

  “I’ll be in touch.” Wyatt offered his arm to Star and they left. Together.

  Maybe she was a tiny bit envious of that kind of love. If Wyatt could find it, could she?

  “That was certainly tense.” Brother Timothy interrupted her thoughts. “You okay?”

  “Yes. Thank you for refereeing. I hope the church pays you well if you deal with stuff like this on a daily basis.”

  Brother Timothy laughed. “That wasn’t my first rodeo, but I think it went well. We made progress.”

  Natalie’s insides warmed. “I really appreciate it. And I’m sorry I never gave you the time of day back when we initially met. Maybe if I had, my life would have turned out different.”

  “Perhaps.” He nodded. “But you wouldn’t be the person you are now, and there might not be a Hannah.”

  He was right. Something good had come from the mess she’d made. She stood, shook his hand and stepped out of the office.

  Maybe everything would work out okay.

  She turned the corner toward the exit. A large shape appeared just before she crashed into it. “Oh!”

  A hard, muscled chest met her palms. Firm hands on her shoulders steadied her. A whiff of Irish Spring soap.

 
Lane.

  Natalie jerked away from him.

  “You okay?”

  She nodded.

  “I was hoping to talk to Brother Timothy. What are you doing here?”

  “Wyatt and I met. About Hannah.”

  He searched her eyes. “How’d that go?”

  “Better than I expected.” Her voice cracked. “He’s thinking about letting me see her.”

  “That’s great.” He hugged her.

  A future with Lane could never be. She stiffened.

  “Was it just me, or did we have a moment in my truck the other day?” His arms fell to his sides. “I thought we were growing closer.”

  “It was a nice moment. Let’s leave it at that.”

  “Why?”

  Because if you knew the truth, you’d hate me. “Because right now, I need to focus on Hannah and my job.”

  “I could help you with both. Emotional support.”

  “I appreciate it. But I have plenty of emotional support. My father and I reconciled our differences.”

  Lane’s eyebrows rose. “I didn’t know you’d had differences.”

  “Yeah. There’s a lot you don’t know about me.” The bubble of hope in her stomach diffused. She sidestepped him. “Have a nice visit with Brother Timothy.”

  Maybe things could work out with Hannah, but not with Lane. If he knew the truth, he wouldn’t have anything to do with her—especially after what had happened with his ex-girlfriend.

  Lane could never be part of her future. She had to leave him in the past, where he belonged.

  * * *

  Lane wanted to go after her. The glass doors whooshed closed behind her and she bolted for her car. What was up with her? Was he a reminder of her old life? Did she not trust him? Maybe if he gave her space, she’d come around. It was the last thing he wanted. But if he pushed her, she might decide the last thing she wanted was him.

  “Lane?” Brother Timothy called.

  He spun toward the pastor. “I was hoping you had a minute to talk.”

  “Come on in.”

  “Were you leaving?”

  “No. I have a counseling session in twenty minutes. Coffee run. Want a cup?”

  “Sure.” Lane fell in stride with the pastor down the long hallway toward the fellowship hall.