Major Karnage

by Gord Zajac

  “Captain,” Karnage said, “this here is Corporal Stumpton, my latest conscript.”

  Velasquez shook Stumpy’s hand. “Welcome aboard, Corporal.”

  “Call me Stumpy.”

  Velasquez nodded, and turned to Karnage. “We’re glad you were able to find us, Major.”

  “Us?” Karnage’s eyes lit up. “You mean . . .” Two more figures emerged from the darkness. Karnage’s eyes sparkled.

  “Heckler,” he said. “Koch.”

  Koch was leading Heckler from the darkness, an arm propping him up. Heckler’s body tensed as he oppressed the occasional snigger.

  “Heck,” Karnage said. “You’re not laughin’ no more.”

  “He even talks some now,” Koch replied.

  Karnage turned to Heckler. “Is that true?”

  Heckler whispered in Koch’s ear. “He said he’s doing better, but he’s not one hundred per cent yet. And he’s sorry. For all the laughing. Says he couldn’t help it.”

  “You got nothing to apologize for, Sergeant,” Karnage said, “with what you been through. I’m just glad to know you’re gettin’ better.”

  “He says you should thank Cookie for that,” Koch stated after a moment’s whispering. “It’s all his doing.”

  Karnage grew excited. “Cookie? He’s here?” He craned his neck, hoping to see the corporal emerge from the dark. “Where is he? Why isn’t he here?”

  Koch and Vel shared an uncomfortable look.

  “It’s . . . complicated,” Vel said.

  “What do you mean it’s complicated?”

  “He’s not the same,” Koch replied.

  “Not the same how?” Karnage grew alarmed. “What the hell’s happened to him?”

  Heckler leaned in and whispered in Koch’s ear. “He says we should just show him, Vel.”

  “All right.” Velasquez leaned her gun against her shoulder.

  “Follow me.”

  CHAPTER THREE

  Velasquez led Karnage and the others through the darkened corridor, the occasional white throb of light illuminating their way. The squiggly pipe on the wall grew wider the deeper they travelled down the corridor. Soon, the pulse of white squiggling down the tube was as thick around as a beach ball. They followed the tube into a round chamber where the tube coursed up into the middle of the ceiling and descended straight down, ending in an open sarcophagus held by three gnarled talons pouring up from the floor. Inside the sarcophagus, Karnage saw a familiar face.

  “Cookie.” Karnage walked up beside the sarcophagus. The tube ran down into Cookie’s head, fading from translucence to the opaque flesh colour of Cookie’s skin. White light throbbed out of Cookie’s head like a heartbeat.

  Karnage looked at Cookie in horror. “What the hell did they do to him?”

  “They’ve made him part of the system,” Velasquez said. “Like a fucking computer chip. He’s supposed to be watching over some kind of subsystem. He told me what it was once. I can’t remember what. Probably stuck working the shitters. Poor bastard.”

  Karnage could see inside Cookie’s skull through the tube. His head looked hollow. Karnage turned to Stumpy. “You ever seen anything like this before?”

  Stumpy just shook his head, his eyes fixed on Cookie’s mangled body.

  “They tried to destroy his mind,” Velasquez said, “but he’s still in there. He’s still Cookie. Go on, Major. Talk to him.”

  Karnage stood over the sarcophagus. “Cookie?”

  There was no reaction. Karnage tried again.

  “Cookie? Are you awake?”

  Cookie half-opened his eyes. His voice was barely a whisper. “Oh. Hey, Major. You made it. I wasn’t sure—”

  A crackling oscillation of green energy tore down through the pipe, coursing into Cookie’s head. He convulsed in pain, his fists clenched.

  “What’s happening?” Karnage barked. “What’s going on?”

  Velasquez’s eyes were hard and cold—like she’d seen this too many times before. “They keep doing that to him,” she said. “That green light is fucking killing him.”

  The green light dissipated, and Cookie relaxed. He lifted his wrist from his lap and slowly crooked a finger at Karnage. “Sit down next to me, so I don’t have to talk so loud.”

  Karnage knelt beside the sarcophagus. Cookie motioned him closer. Karnage leaned in until his ear was almost pressed to Cookie’s lips.

  Cookie let out a gentle sigh of relief. “That’s better.” His voice was nothing but breath. “What’s on your mind, Major?”

  “I came back to stop the squidbugs,” Karnage said.

  “That a fact?” Cookie whispered.

  Karnage nodded. “It is.”

  Cookie stayed quiet a long time. He took a deep breath. “Do you know how you’re going to do it yet?”

  “I’ve got some ideas,” Karnage said, “but I was hoping you could help me work out the kinks.”

  “Let’s hear what you’ve got.”

  “I been told the squidbugs are like an insect colony. Or a hive,” Karnage said. “That they take their orders from a central queen. And that queen is runnin’ everything. How’s that sound so far, Cookie?”

  “Not bad,” Cookie whispered. “Keep going.”

  Karnage went on. “The way I figure it, the squidbugs are nothin’ without this queen. Just a buncha mindless squiggly beasts. We kill the queen, and their command structure goes down. The whole organization descends into chaos.

  “The only problem is, I don’t know how to do it. Where’s the queen? What does she look like? How do I kill her? I’m hopin’ you can help me with that.”

  “I’ll try, Major,” Cookie said. “I’ll try.”

  He closed his eyes again. Karnage waited patiently, hoping Cookie was just mustering his strength.

  “The queen,” Cookie said, “isn’t a queen. It’s . . .”

  “What is it, Cookie? What is it?”

  “It’s nothing.”

  “Nothing? What do you mean ‘nothing’? It’s gotta be somethin’, Cookie. Everything’s somethin’.”

  “Not this thing. It has . . . no body. No shape . . . no physical form. It’s pure intelligence . . . nothin’ else. Just a collection of energy . . . holdin’ itself together through sheer . . . willpower . . . pure thought . . . pure energy . . .

  “It controls everything . . . knows everything.” Cookie gave a weak smile. “At least, it thinks it does . . . I been jammin’ the signal when I can. It’s not easy, but . . . I been tryin’ to do my part. Not always well, but . . . I tried. I really tried.” Cookie’s face fell. “I’m sorry, Major.”

  “You got nothin’ to apologize for, soldier. You done good.” Karnage placed a reassuring hand on Cookie’s shoulder. “How do I kill this thing, Cookie? Tell me how to destroy it.”

  “You can’t,” Cookie said. “You can’t destroy . . . energy, but you can disperse it . . . convert it to other forms . . .”

  “Disperse it?” Karnage said. “You mean like with an explosion?”

  “An explosion might do it,” Cookie said. “If it’s big enough.”

  “How big?”

  “Spragmos LV75 rocket . . . should do it,” Cookie said.

  “You wouldn’t happen to have one of those lying around, would you?”

  Cookie smiled. “Vel?”

  Velasquez jerked a thumb to a darkened alcove. “Got everything you’ll need over here.”

  Karnage looked down at Cookie. “You been plannin’ this a while, haven’t you?”

  “I’m tryin’, Major . . . tryin’ to do everything I can. It’s so hard. It’s so . . .” Cookie closed his eyes. He opened them again in a few minutes. “You need to go, Major . . . need to hurry. The Intelligence . . . it’s dormant right now . . . lying in hibernation . . . inside the Nucleus . . . until a host can be prepared.”

  “If it’s lyin’ dormant, then what’s runnin’ the invasion?”

  “The Intelligence,” Cookie said. “It’s so smart it can do it
in its sleep . . . doesn’t take any effort . . . like breathing. When it wakes . . . that’s why you have to hurry, Major . . . have to stop it before it finds a host . . .”

  “What’s the host you keep talkin’ about?”

  “It takes a new body whenever it arrives at a new world . . . always something local . . . easier to adjust . . . more adapted to our atmosphere . . .”

  Another oscillation of green stabbed down into Cookie’s head. Cookie’s mouth opened in a silent scream. Karnage shouted up at the tube. “Quit fryin’ his brain, you squiggly bastards!”

  The green dissipated, and Cookie lay silently frowning, his pupils fluttering back and forth beneath his shut eyelids. Finally, his eyes creaked open, and he licked his chapped lips. “. . . it adapts everything . . . takes bits and pieces of it all . . . creates something new . . . something that’ll accept both lifeforms . . . a middle ground . . .”

  “A merger,” Karnage said with a scowl.

  Cookie smiled. “Yeah . . . the squidbugs . . . they can’t survive outside for long . . . that’s why they smoke . . . acts like a filter . . . keeps our clean air out . . . for now . . . until they change . . . until they merge it all . . . until they merge us . . . until they merge themselves . . .”

  “Why change themselves? Why not just change us to match them?”

  “The Intelligence doesn’t care . . . does what it needs to do to keep going . . . to survive . . . the squidbugs . . . everything . . . they all change from world to world . . . Intelligence adjusts their forms . . . to make them ideal . . . incorporates whatever it finds . . . fits it all in . . . like me . . . like you . . . it wanted you, Major, for its host . . . it picked you . . . most suitable . . . right genetics . . . that’s why they wanted you for so long . . . why they hunted you . . . they were gonna change you . . . give you to the squidbugs . . . make you suitable for the Intelligence . . . but I stopped ’em, Major . . . I played a little . . . shell game . . . I made ’em think you weren’t right . . . weren’t suitable . . . I gave ’em someone else. . . .” Cookie’s face fell. “I’m sorry, Major . . . I’m so sorry . . . if I had known, I wouldn’t have . . . how could I know?”

  “What Cookie? What didn’t you know?”

  “You’d been captured . . . they were going to . . . I had to misdirect them . . . there was no time . . . I made a choice . . . I didn’t know who she was, Major . . . if I’d known that you . . . that she . . . I didn’t know who she was . . .”

  Karnage’s heart jumped. “Sydney. It’s Sydney, isn’t it?”

  “I’m so sorry, Major . . . I didn’t know. . . .”

  “Where is she, Cookie? Where is she?!”

  “They’re preparing her,” Cookie said, “for the Intelligence . . . you have to destroy it, Major . . . before it takes its new host. . . .”

  Cookie shut his eyes, wincing as a powerful blast of white shot up from his head and into the pipe. It careened through the walls, and collected around a sealed hatch. The hatch spiralled open, and the light flowed into it. The light flew down the tunnel, illuminating it with a dull grey as it went.

  “That will take you to the Intelligence . . . but you have to go, Major . . . you have to go now . . . it knows I’m here. It’s trying to . . . stop me. I’ll hold it off long as I can . . . no one can go with you, Major . . . not Vel . . . not anyone . . . the Intelligence can jump from host to host . . . that’s why you have to kill it now . . . before it wakes . . . it knows you’re coming . . . it will try to stop you . . . be prepared, Major . . . it knows everything about you . . . about us . . . it will try to . . . you have to go, Major . . . you have to . . .”

  Cookie shut his eyes. He didn’t speak again.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Karnage stood over Cookie’s limp form, hoping for more. It never came.

  Karnage felt Cookie’s neck. He still had a heartbeat. Karnage rounded on Stumpy, pointing at Cookie. “Help him. Figure out what’s wrong with him. How to stop him from bein’ . . . how to stop that green energy from hurtin’ him.”

  “Me?” Stumpy stared down at Cookie’s empty skull. “I’m no medic, Major. I don’t know the first thing about this. It’s way beyond anything—”

  Karnage grabbed Stumpy and shook him. “You have to try, Stumpy. You have to try!”

  “Major.” Velasquez pushed herself between Karnage and Stumpy, forcing Karnage to let him go. “There’s nothing you can do.”

  Karnage returned Velasquez’s gaze. “There has to be something. I came so far, and Cookie was there for me, every step of the way. Without him, we wouldn’t be here. Without him, we’d all be— goddammit, Vel, there has to be something we can do!”

  “There is,” Velasquez said. “You can do what he asked you to do.”

  “I can’t leave him like this,” Karnage said. “Not now.”

  “You have to. Or we’re all done for. Including Sydney.”

  Karnage looked down at Cookie. His fingers tightened into balled fists. He felt like he was being torn apart. “He stuck by me. Trusted me to help him. It’s my fault. My fault he’s here. If I hadn’t opened my goddamn mouth. If I hadn’t lost my head. . . .”

  “You’re doing like you always do, Major—the best you can. Just like Cookie. He knew that. He gave me something to give to you, just in case. Said I’d knew the time would be right, and I think that time is now.” Velasquez put something cold and metallic in Karnage’s hand.

  It was a dog tag. Karnage read the inscription.

  Cpl. Charles “Cookie” Blunderbuss

  C&E – CPN FORCES

  Karnage clenched his fist tight. He could feel the metal digging into his hands. “He may have given up on himself, but I ain’t givin’ up on him. Not yet.” He handed the tag back to Velasquez. “Here. He’ll be needin’ that.” He turned to Stumpy. “You do what you can. You’re not a miracle worker, but you’re pretty damn close, Corporal. Try and figure how this contraption works. Just do your best. That’s all I ask.”

  Stumpy saluted. “I’ll give it my all, sir.”

  Velasquez shook her head. “You never give up.”

  “Not on my troops,” Karnage said. “Not ever. Show me this gear you got for me, Captain.”

  Velasquez led Karnage over to the alcove. She handed him a rocket launcher. “Spragmos Industries RPG-OX9.”

  Karnage looked it over. “This is space combat gear.”

  “You’ll be going into the centre of the ship,” Velasquez said. “The atmosphere’s completely toxic there. No real oxygen to speak of. Only way to get rocket fuel to burn is if it comes with its own oxy. You’ve only got two rounds, so make ’em count.” Velasquez handed him a pile of folded clothes and a helmet. “There’s a suit to go with it. Rumour has it you’re human and need to breathe just like the rest of us.”

  Karnage took the suit. “How much oxy I got in this?”

  “Not a lot,” Velasquez said. “Couple hours. Maybe more, if you only breathe through your nostrils. So try to stay good and pissed off.”

  “You know, I finally get that joke now, Captain.”

  “Good for you, Major. You’re cleverer than I thought. That only took you, what, twenty years?”

  “Twenty five,” Karnage said. “But who’s counting?”

  Velasquez helped Karnage into his space suit. She attached the helmet to the metal neck ring with a loud hiss-chunk.

  “Follow the white lights,” Velasquez said. “They’ll take you to the centre of the ship. Find the Nucleus, and destroy it.”

  “What’s it look like?” Karnage slung the rocket launcher over his shoulder.

  “Like a damn bowling ball,” Velasquez said. “Small grey sphere, glowing green and sending out pulses. You’ll know it when you see it.”

  Karnage nodded. He slung his goober rifle over his other shoulder.

  Velasquez pointed to it. “If you think you need more firepower, I got stronger stuff than that. Stuff that actually fires bullets.”

  Karnage shook his head. “No point
. Killin’ stuff just pisses off ol’ Mabel here.” He tapped the Sanity Patch through his suit.

  Velasquez nodded. “Good luck in there, Major.”

  “Do me a favour, Vel.”

  “Sir?”

  Karnage pointed to the hatch. “You see anything come outta there that don’t look like me, you shoot it. Twice.”

  “Only twice?” Velasquez looked disappointed.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Karnage stepped through the hatch, and found himself in another fibre optic tunnel. Tiny spirals of white light spun along the walls, and he began to follow them as they shot forward a few feet, spun in place, then danced back before repeating the pattern again. It was hard to keep them in sight. He had to twist his entire torso in order to turn his head, otherwise he found himself staring at the inside of his helmet.

  Karnage found the suit disconcerting, like he was walking through the world in a dream; his only real companion was his own steady breathing.

  He repeated his mantra in his head, reciting a name for each step forward he took: Cookie, Velasquez, Heckler, Stumpy, Koch, Sydney. Cookie, Velasquez, Heckler, Stumpy, Koch, Sydney. Cookie, Velasquez, Heckler, Stumpy, Koch, Sydney.

  The tunnel flashed as the occasional burst of green shot through the pipes. Curls of yellow mist hung in the air above him.

  He came around a curve in the tunnel, and saw a figure draped in shadow sitting on the floor, a gnarled energy spear resting on its shoulder. Its torso was curled forward, head bent down. It cocked an ear towards Karnage and nodded approvingly to itself. “Oh! Hello, John.”

  Karnage froze in his tracks. He recognized that voice.

  “Flaherty.”

  The doctor looked up. A burst of green highlighted his face, giving Karnage a quick glimpse of squiggly pupils. “It’s good to see you again.”

  Karnage pulled his goober rifle off his shoulder as Flaherty shakily rose to his feet, leaning heavily against his spear with one hand. His other arm ended in a stump. An extra set of arms emerged from Flaherty’s armpits, and they gestured towards Karnage. “I must apologize for not believing you. ‘Unidentified Flying Objects of Death.’” Flaherty chuckled. “Who would have thought it was true?”