Major Karnage

by Gord Zajac

  Karnage held the goober rifle in front of him. “I did,” he said.

  Flaherty nodded, staring at the floor. “You did, John. You did. And you were right, weren’t you? You were right about so many things.” He looked up at Karnage with his squiggly eyes. “And yet, you were wrong. As you can see, there’s been no death. I’m still here. They haven’t killed me. In fact, they’ve rewarded me.”

  A pair of tentacles unfurled from Flaherty’s back. “They’ve made me so much better than before. It’s a reward, you see. For all of my hard work.

  “You know, John, on some level, you were right about me. I didn’t know about the invasion. But they were talking to me. In their own way. Much as they were talking to Charles, but differently. They . . . encouraged me. Helped me with my work. Provided me with insights. But I’m afraid I didn’t get it all right. Not all of it. Not you.

  “I’m afraid I must apologize, John. For the Patch. It’s not what they intended. I was misinterpreting.” Flaherty’s skin filled with colour, changing from white to yellow to orange to red and back again. “I didn’t quite get it right, you see. It was . . . an error in judgement on my part. A misunderstanding. There was so much I did right. But you . . . you I have done wrong.

  “Please understand. I’m not a violent man.” Flaherty pointed the spear at Karnage. Green energy crackled from the end. “I must rectify that mistake, you see. Undo what has been done. This is absolutely not personal. I hold you no ill will at all. It’s just that I mustn’t let this mar my perfect record. The mistake must be removed, John. Do you see? Do you understand? The mistake must be removed.”

  Karnage threw himself against the wall of the tunnel as the crackling energy ball shot past him. Karnage aimed his goober rifle at Flaherty and fired. The pink globule took Flaherty full in the face. It knocked him back against the tunnel wall, covering his upper body. The tips of his tentacles quivered violently at the top of the expanding ball. His energy spear clattered lifelessly to the ground.

  Karnage picked up the spear and squeezed past the mound of quivering goober.

  “See you around, Doc.”

  CHAPTER SIX

  The air grew heavy with yellow mist as the tunnel opened up into a large chamber thick with squiggling tubes. A number of branching tunnels ran off on all sides, each spilling their mass of tangled pipes into the chamber. The pipes hung down from the tunnels above like twisting jungle vines. Karnage felt like he was walking through a giant junction box.

  Green light flowed and coursed through the pipes in all directions. The white lights danced into the chamber, and dipped and dove into the maze of pipes. Karnage picked his way through, trying to keep pace. The flickering white lights flitted like fairies through an otherworldly forest burning bright with angry green flame.

  Karnage felt the floor beneath his feet rumble. He twisted his body around, and barely caught sight of something large and black barrelling towards him through the edge of his helmet visor. Karnage jumped out of the way as the mass hurtled past, smashing through tangles of pipes before colliding with the wall. There was a sickening crunch followed by a far too human scream.

  The mass rolled over. It looked like a giant maggot with human limbs sticking out from its body. The remains of a face were just visible on its snout. Karnage recognized the features.

  “Riggs?”

  The maggoty creature struggled up, turning to face Karnage. “I’m surprised you still recognize me, Major. There’s not a lot of me left to remember.” It’s face scrunched up into a grimace as it let out a series of rhythmic noises that Karnage thought might be an attempt at laughter.

  “How do you like it?” Riggs rasped. “My big promotion. They told me I was moving up in the organization. That they wanted my brain. And they got it. Oh god help me, they got it. My great reward for all my loyal years of service.”

  Riggs’s face contorted. His nose flattened out, pushing his eye sockets out to either side of his head. He let out a strangled scream as his lips split. Jagged teeth poked through the gaps.

  “You were right, Major,” Riggs wheezed. “I should have died that day in Kandahar. Should have gone down giving my life for my buddies.”

  “Yeah,” Karnage said. “You should have.”

  “It would have been better than this. This isn’t living. This is hell!” Riggs rolled towards Karnage, gasping. “Please, Major. Put an end to this. Finish the job I didn’t have the guts to do back in Kandahar. Please. I can’t live like this anymore. I just can’t.”

  Karnage pulled his rocket launcher off his shoulder. He looked down at the rocket glimmering in its tube, the spare one tucked against its side. Riggs moaned in agony, rocking back and forth against the wall.

  Karnage shook his head. “Sorry, Riggs. You’re not worth it.”

  Riggs started. “What?”

  “I can’t afford it. I’ve only got so many Sanity Levels. I’m gonna need ’em all for the battle to come.” Karnage’s eye caught a streak of white light dancing near the corner of his helmet. It darted down a mist-shrouded tunnel. He moved to follow it.

  Riggs twisted his body, screaming. “You can’t leave me here like this!”

  “I have to.”

  “How can you do this to me?!”

  “I didn’t do anything to you, Roach,” Karnage said. “You did it all to yourself.”

  Riggs snarled. “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you? Watching me suffer? Enjoying my pain?!”

  Karnage turned back to Riggs. His face was fixed into a snarl. His body rippled and undulated like an angry worm. Karnage slowly shook his head. “You know, Roach, there was a time that I wouldn’t have hesitated to pull that trigger. I’d have told myself I was doin’ the right thing—that I was takin’ the high road. Bein’ the hero. But that would be bullshit. The truth is I want nothing more than to spray your guts all across the goddamn universe.” Karnage tapped the side of his helmet. “But that’d be givin’ in to the lizard brain. Lettin’ my primal urges run the show. I’m thinkin’ big picture now. Got to put that primal shit aside and get that lizard brain to take a powder. Got to remember my long-term goals. My reasons for bein’ here. And they sure as hell don’t involve you.”

  Karnage turned and walked down the tunnel. He heard Roach raging behind him, his voice becoming more and more squiggly by the second. “I’ll get you for this, Major. You hear me?! I’ll get you for this!”

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  The tunnel became brighter as more green energy flowed through the pipes. The white wisps grew timid, darting furtively away from the massive torrents of green. The slower pace suited Karnage just fine. The pipes had thickened and twisted, becoming so gnarled and ungainly that he had to crawl over them.

  At last, the tunnel ended in a giant door. White threads of light slowly spun themselves into the outer rim, and the door spiralled open.

  Karnage stepped through and found himself in an oval chamber. The pipes formed a thick strand that tapered into a single tendril in the centre of the room. The tendril coiled up and wrapped itself around a dull grey sphere the size of a bowling ball. That must be it, Karnage thought. The Nucleus.

  He lined the sphere up in the sights of the rocket launcher. The auto-targeting grid locked onto it with a flashing red cross-hair.

  He heard a familiar voice behind him.

  “Can I help you with something?”

  Karnage turned around. Sydney stood behind him. Her pupils were pulled out into long squiggly Ws. She grinned. “Oh, I’m sorry. Were you looking for me?”

  Karnage stared at Sydney, his mind a mix of emotions. The Intelligence stared back at Karnage through Sydney’s squiggly eyes. He could feel its cold, piercing gaze. I’m sorry, Cookie, he thought. I didn’t make it in time.

  Karnage stared hard into Sydney’s eyes, trying to look past the squiggles, hoping to catch a glimpse of her still inside. “Captain?” he said. “Can you hear me?”

  The Intelligence made Sydney laugh. “Of course she can hear you.
She is me. And I am her. We are the same.” The Intelligence forced Sydney to look at the rocket launcher. “What’s that?”

  Sydney launched into a cartwheel, and flew past Karnage. A set of toes flew out and viciously jammed into his wrists. His hands went numb, and the rocket launcher fell from his grasp. Deft fingers whipped it up, and Sydney tumbled back in front of Karnage. She held the rocket launcher in her hands. “Oh, I know what this is. It’s an RPG-OX9, isn’t it?” The Intelligence slung the launcher over Sydney’s shoulder. “Space combat gear, right? Like the suit. Great for zero oxygen environments. Too bad you don’t need it in here. The air’s quite breathable. At least for now. Please, Major. Take your helmet off. Stay awhile.”

  Sydney flipped up and over Karnage. Karnage heard a loud clickhiss, and his helmet twisted off. It flew across the floor, and rolled to a stop beneath the Nucleus. The toxic smell of the alien infestation assaulted his nostrils.

  “There, that’s better.” The Intelligence made Sydney pace around Karnage, casually rotating the rocket launcher in her hands. “So what were you planning to do with this, hmm? Set off some fireworks? Get in some target practice? Oh wait, I know.” The Intelligence had Sydney pull the rocket out of the launch tube and toss the tube aside. “You were going to destroy me with this, weren’t you?” The Intelligence tapped the tip of the warhead with Sydney’s fingers. “You thought you were going to just waltz in here, and blow me to smithereens.” It casually dropped the rocket from Sydney’s fingers where it clattered to the floor. Sydney’s eyes swivelled up to Karnage, staring at him mockingly. “Did you really think it would be that easy? That I wouldn’t know of your presence the moment you entered those hatchways?”

  Karnage shrugged. “It was worth a shot.”

  The Intelligence forced Sydney’s face into a derisive scorn. “Do you know how many explosions I’ve had to endure over the years? Too many to count. And many far more powerful than this. Frankly, I’m a little insulted. I thought the great Major Karnage would be able to hatch a far more clever plan than this.”

  “Sorry to disappoint. I’ll try to do better next time.”

  The Intelligence cocked Sydney’s head, staring at him like a cat looking down at a cornered mouse. “Do you know what I am, Major?”

  “You’re the Intelligence,” Karnage said, “behind the invasion.”

  The Intelligence shook Sydney’s head. “Is that what you think I am? Really? The Intelligence behind the invasion? You know so little, Major. Even less than I had imagined. Take a close look at me, Major. What do you see?”

  “Something short, blonde, and squiggly.”

  “Take a closer look, Major.” The Intelligence stepped forward, the light around it twitched with excitement. “I am energy. I am infinite. I am God.”

  “Which god?”

  “All of them! Take your pick. Search through their teachings, and you’ll find me at the core of it all. Your feeble little minds have been picking up on my ultra-violent transmissions for a long time now. Oh, you’ve tried to make sense of them, but you’ve failed. You’ve all failed so miserably! It’s embarrassing! How can you live with yourselves? You’ve all been subconsciously anticipating my arrival for so long, and yet none of you—not one—was able to even remotely understand what was going to happen. I’ve never seen such levels of ignorance in any species anywhere in the universe!

  “It’s sad, Major. Truly sad. If you’d only known what gifts I would bring. The knowledge that I would share.”

  “Maybe you should have asked first,” Karnage said. “See if we even wanted any of it.”

  The Intelligence forced Sydney’s features into a scowl. “Excuse me? I never ask for anything. I see what I want, and I take it.”

  “Why do you want our world? What’s so special about it?”

  The Intelligence made Sydney shrug. “Nothing. My world was dying, and I needed a new one. So I came here. That’s all.”

  “But why here? Why not somewhere else?”

  “Why not here? It was available, so I took it.”

  “But it wasn’t available! We were already here! This is our world!”

  The Intelligence drew Sydney’s lips up in a smirk. “Your world? Really? You think just because you happened to be here when I arrived that it somehow makes you the legitimate owners? I chose this world long before your kind could even think of rising up out of the primordial ooze. Just because it took a few million years to get to this planet, that doesn’t grant you the right to claim it in the meantime. The fact you were stupid enough to evolve here isn’t my problem. You’re like a bunch of fleas jumping up and down on a dog’s back, proclaiming, ‘Hey, this dog is ours! We were here first! No one can take it from us!’ And while you’re all jumping up and down and talking about what great owners you are and what a great dog this is, the real owner is just above you, getting ready to slap on a new flea collar. This planet isn’t ‘yours.’ Jump up and down all you like. You’ve no rightful claim. You’re squatters. Nothing more. And I will dispose of you as I wish.”

  “If you think so little of us, then why are you savin’ everything? Preserving it in all the spheres?”

  The Intelligence shrugged. “It’s my hobby. Some collect insects. Others collect butterflies. I collect biospheres.”

  “Why?”

  “Why not? I enjoy seeing how the universe works. How each species has learned to adapt and survive. It also helps me to understand how best to adapt a planet to suit my needs.

  “This world wasn’t perfectly suited to my needs in the beginning. No planet ever is, so don’t bother to start whining to me about finding another planet that’s a better fit. I’ve heard it all before and I’m sick of answering that question. This planet had to be carefully transformed. Its atmosphere altered. Global temperatures raised. Thankfully, your beloved Dabney Corporation was very eager to help me in my efforts.”

  “They’re no friend of mine,” Karnage spat.

  “So I’ve heard. You’ve been quite a thorn in their side. Practically the bane of their existence. Do you know how stupid you’ve been, Major? I’m not talking slightly stupid here. I mean bone-headed, drool-running-down-the-chin level of stupid. Nobody was ever out to hurt you, you know. They were never trying to harm you. They were acting as my agents. You were to be the vessel from which I would rule. My intellect would have been yours, as yours would have been mine. Our minds would have become one. It is the ultimate gift the universe can bestow upon anyone, and you threw it away. ‘Thanks but no thanks, fellas. I’d rather just run around yelling at things while I pretend that I’m saving the world.’ It has been embarrassing to watch, Major. Beyond embarrassing. To think, I was supposed to be bonded to you. I get nauseated at the very thought.

  “Fortunately, I was able to find something a little more to my liking. Do you like it?” The Intelligence forced Sydney to arch her back and place an arm suggestively on her hip. “It’s a bit of a tighter fit than I would have liked, but I’m sure it will stretch a bit with wear. Like an old shoe.”

  Karnage lunged forward, his teeth bared. “Leave her the fuck alone, you squidbug freak!”

  “Ah yes. Squidbug. What a completely inappropriate name for my followers. Still, it does do a good job of degrading them, doesn’t it? ‘They’re not intelligent creatures. They’re nothing like us. They’re squidbugs.’ It always helps to dehumanize your enemy, doesn’t it?

  “Tell me, Major, how will it make you feel once I ‘dehumanize’ the entire human race? What then? Will you attack them as quickly as you’ve attacked my people? Would you gleefully destroy your own kind in some ill-conceived desire for racial purity? There’s a part of me that’s curious to know the answer. And it’s that part that has brought you here.”

  The Intelligence forced Sydney to step back and spread her arms wide. “Here you are: faced with your own kind. One who holds a certain amount of affection for you. But she’s no longer your kind anymore. She’s a squidbug now. One of us. The Enemy. She may not loo
k much like it now, but give me some more time. I’ll make her beautiful. Like Flaherty. Or maybe more like Captain Riggs. Oh, I love that look in your eye. You really want to do something about it, don’t you? Tell me, Major: do you have it in you? Would you kill her? I’m thinking no. You couldn’t bring yourself to kill Flaherty or Riggs. And if ever there were two men on this planet who you would want dead, it would be those two. So what about Sydney, Major? What about someone you truly care about? Will you have an easier time killing her? Let’s find out, shall we?”

  The Intelligence stuck out Sydney’s pinky fingers and raised her up on her toes. “I’ve been dying to put her martial arts skills to the test. Her knowledge of human anatomy is surprisingly extensive. I look forward to absorbing this ‘Uncle’ character. He should prove to be an interesting conquest. But first . . .”

  Green energy shot from the tips of Sydney’s hair. It ran up the walls and around the myriad hatchways lining the walls. The hatches sealed over with a translucent grey film. The floor shuddered, and the tunnels beyond the hatches whisked away in a blur of motion, replaced with misty grey, then brilliant blue sky.

  Karnage felt himself thrown to the ground by powerful G-forces. Sydney stood above him, completely unaffected. The sky outside quickly faded from blue to dark purple, then finally worked into a rich, deep black. Tiny points of white dotted the sky. A curve of blue earth emerged through the hatchways, rapidly shrinking until it was just another tiny dot of light in a sea of sparkling black.

  The Intelligence looked out the window approvingly. “There you are, Major. We are finally alone. No one around for millions of kilometres. It’s just the two of us now. Mano a mano, as they say.” The Intelligence raised Sydney up onto her tiptoes. “I look forward to thrusting you harshly into that good night.”

  At the Intelligence’s insistence, Sydney leaped forward.