My Clarity

by M. Clarke

  “Elijah,” I swallowed. I could see so much pain in those beautiful, somber eyes. As he continued, they glistened brighter. Now I was certain they were tears. “It’s not your fault. You shouldn’t blame yourself for something you had no control over. I know that if it were possible you would’ve switched places with him. You’re an amazing person. Your brother would be very proud of you right now.”

  Elijah’s upper lip curled just enough for me to assume he may have agreed with me or he’d like what he heard. “You think so?” he asked softly as his fingertip glided over my bottom lip.

  Oh God! What was he doing to me? He was making my pulse race, making me lose my mind. I had forgotten what we were talking about.

  “Yes,” I whimpered, seeing his lips reaching for mine. Closer…closer…almost touching…and why was I not stopping this?

  Next thing I knew, something wet slapped my face, then other parts of my body. We stood there dumbfound, looking at each other in shock and getting wetter by the second.

  “We’re getting wet!”I yelled.

  “What the hell? Don’t they water the grass during the daytime? Run,” Elijah shouted. Seizing my hand, we ran across the lawn as he led the way.

  By the time we got to our place, we were soaking wet. We were laughing and enjoying this unexpected moment. It looked like we took a shower with our clothes on. Wrapping my arms around myself, I shivered like crazy. Elijah cuddled me into him, warming me up with one hand while the other reached inside his pocket for the keys.

  I didn’t feel guilty that I was enjoying being in his arms. He was just being sweet, the way a friend would be. He touched my heart with his pain tonight, and somehow my pain was pushed aside. I wanted to comfort him as he had done so many times for me.

  “I’ll make some hot chocolate,” he said as we entered our place.

  “With cookies?” I asked excitedly.

  Elijah chuckled, heading to his room. “Whatever you want, Babe.”

  I don’t think he even realized he’d called me, Babe. I’m sure it was a slip of the tongue, but it made me feel uneasy and exhilarated at the same time.

  Chapter 21

  Elijah

  Whiteboard:

  Rent is due soon

  -E

  If those sprinklers hadn’t turned on, I would’ve kissed her. I don’t know what I was thinking when my lips headed toward hers. I brushed it off, thinking it was partially due to the alcohol, but I didn’t drink that much. I never really did. So I blamed it on my high from winning the race.

  Entering our condo, I turned on the heater and told Alex to take a shower first. After I took mine, I made some hot chocolate and put some cookies on a plate for her.

  “Don’t tell me you’re going to dip that cookie in there,” I grimaced.

  “Why not? It tastes delicious,” Alex replied, carefully maneuvering her cookie with the tips of her fingers, so she wouldn’t drop it. “It’s the same concept, only it’s warmer and it melts faster.” She opened her mouth, letting a piece fall in. With one swipe of her tongue, she licked the crumbs from her bottom lip. I had to take a deep breath. That was way too much after seeing her drenched in the rain and what almost happened. Not to mention, remembering that episode when I ate the cookie from her hand to stop myself from kissing her.

  “Don’t you need to go back to the party?” Alex asked, taking another bite. She made eating a cookie look so tempting. It seemed like I was missing out. Maybe I should take a bite.

  “Do you want to come with me? Lexy and Seth are there.” I ran my finger around the rim, gazing inside the mug.

  “No. I’m kind of tired.”

  “I’m kinda tired, too. Drinking hot chocolate does that to me.” I was going to head back to the party after I dropped her off, but I couldn’t leave her here alone, especially after Liam left her.

  “Elijah, can I ask you a question and you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to,” she asked timidly, wringing a strand of her hair behind her ear.

  “Sure.”

  “Why did you get that dragon tattoo? I think it’s beautiful.”

  I stared at my drink for a second, and then looked up. “My brother loved dragons. I got that tattoo so I could show him that I’d always have him with me, forever printed on me.” I swallowed back my tears and blinked several times before I continued. “He fell asleep smiling with his hand on the tattoo and never woke up.”

  “I’m sorry,” she said. “That’s beautiful, Elijah. I wish I could’ve done something like that for my dad.”

  “It’s never too late.”

  “I guess, but I’m also a big chicken.”

  “I’ve noticed.” I rolled my eyes playfully, trying to lighten the mood.

  “Hey, I can’t help it.”

  “Next time you’re scared, don’t knock and ask me if I’m sleeping. You can just walk in. However, I might be naked in bed. You’ve been warned.”

  “Elijah,” she squealed, turning red. “Make sure you close the door if you are, and if not, just leave the door open. That will be your sign,” she snorted, then turned away as if she had said something she shouldn’t have said.

  Though the thought of her coming to my bed was thrilling, I knew it would never happen again.

  “Before I forget, Seth’s fraternity is hosting a Halloween party. Want to come? Lexy will be there. I’m sure she’ll mention it to you.”

  “Oh yeah, she did. She’s going to take me costume shopping after work sometime this week. Do you have a costume?”

  I raised my brows. “Do I have a costume? I go as myself.”

  “You’re no fun.” Alex scowled at me.

  “Are you going to invite Liam?”

  Alex eyes shifted to the television. “I don’t think he’ll come. He’s too involved with his friends. He’ll probably want me to go to his, but I don’t want to hang out with his snobby, rich friends. And besides, we got into another fight, so I don’t know what’s going on.”

  “Oh.” It was all I could say. I was just about to say good night when she headed to the kitchen, then came back.

  “You have another tattoo, don’t you?”

  I flashed my eyes to her. “How did you know?”

  “I...um…saw it when you had your shirt off,” she said slowly, hesitantly. “I saw the letters C-L-A-R, but I didn’t see the rest.”

  I dragged my hair back. “This is when I tell you it’s none of your business.” I winked so she didn’t think I was upset with her.

  Alex nodded and parted her lips to reply, probably wanting to ask another question, but she was apparently unsure. I could guess what her next question would be. Before she could ask, I intervened. “Let’s talk about something else,” I said sternly.

  “Sorry,” she muttered.

  Maybe I should’ve gone to the party. She was full of questions tonight. “How do you know when you really love someone? How do you know if a guy really loves you? I’m asking because you seemed to have lot more experience with relationships.”

  I thought about it for a moment. No one had ever asked me this question before. “Did Liam make you walk on air? That’s how girls usually describe it when they fall in love.”

  “Not lately,” she said under her breath.

  I headed to the kitchen and Alex trailed behind me. After placing my mug in the sink, she did the same. “Have you ever heard the song called ‘To Love A Woman,’ by E.C.?”

  “Maybe. How does it go?” She gazed into my eyes, begging. “Can you sing it to me?”

  “No way,” I blurted.

  “Why not? You have such a great voice. I love to hear you sing, please.” Alex grabbed my sweater and wouldn’t let go.

  With that smile and those innocent, bedroom eyes looking back at me, how could I deny her request? “Okay, just a snippet of it.” I cleared my throat and focused my eyes onto hers. “You see her across the room, every other face disappears…the earth shakes inside of you, her smile crawls into your skin…touching your heart,
your soul…you can do nothing, but dream of her…all you want to do is hold her in your arms.”

  Before I knew it, I had pinned her against the cabinet—lost in the moment, lost in the song, lost in her. My arms were planted around her. She was my prisoner, locked and mesmerized as I continued to sing. My voice became softer as I sang to her by the side of her neck. “You want to breathe her in and taste every word on her lips…touch her…taste her…make love to her until you can feel her in your blood….”

  I backed away, needing a moment to clear my head. At the same time, I heard a long intake of breath from her. She looked like she was going to faint, and my ego went up a notch knowing that I could make her feel that way. I continued again, gazing into her eyes. This time I ran my hands on her cheeks, then through her hair. “…with every kiss, and every touch, she takes away pieces of you…till there’s nothing left…but you need her so you let her…cause you love her…and you cannot breathe without her.”

  I had sung the whole song and I only meant to sing a section of it. I was caught in the moment, caught in this feeling I wanted to ignore, but it felt so good. I couldn’t stop. “Alex,” I whispered her name when I realized my hands were wrapped around her waist, though they weren’t meant to be there.

  My body was lightly pressed on hers. Dazed, I murmured, “Now that’s how a man should really love his woman.” Not knowing if I’d answered her question, I said goodnight and walked away without looking back.

  I couldn’t look at her. I was afraid of what I would do if her eyes gave me permission to do what I wanted to do at that very moment. Walking away was the only way I could maintain control, but she stopped me.

  “Elijah, did you ever love anyone like that before?” she asked softly, still looking overcome, still planted against the cabinet as if she was stuck there.

  “No. Goodnight, Freckles,” I said and went to my room.

  Alex’s questions brought up the memories of my mom and my brother. As I lay in bed, I could clearly remember that dreadful day, as if it happened yesterday.

  I didn’t know what else to do. All I could do was be strong for my little brother and pretend everything was going to be all right. But it wasn’t and he knew it wasn’t. As he lay there helplessly in bed, I thought about all the good times we had shared, playing catch, watching movies, playing videos games, and tackling each other. I was eight years older than he was, but the age didn’t matter. We were close.

  How could a healthy, thirteen-year-old kid all of a sudden become so sick? His life had just begun. It wasn’t fair for him and it wasn’t fair for those of us who would be left with nothing but heartache and the memories of him. Life was cruel. I knew this all too well. It just sucked, and sometimes you couldn’t do anything about it.

  “Hi,” Evan said softly, looking pale and weak.

  “Hey,” I said as cheerfully as I could. “You’re never going to believe what I did.”

  “What?” His eyes grew wide with excitement, just like they always did whenever I said those words to him.

  “Don’t tell Mom, okay? I got it done today, so I’m a little sore. Don’t you dare punch me there, got it?” I narrowed my eyes at him playfully so he knew I was messing with him.

  A soft chuckled escaped his mouth. “Hurry. You talk too much. After I see it, then I’ll decide. Where’s Mom?” I could tell it took a lot more of his energy to speak today than yesterday, but his eyes twinkled with excitement.

  “Mom’s right outside. I told her I wanted to be alone with you.” I took off my long-sleeved plaid shirt, lifted the sleeve, and showed it to him.

  He gave me the happiest smile I’d ever seen. I wished I could’ve framed that look. I did in my mind so that I would never forget. Then his lips dropped, quivering, blinking his eyes to hold back the tears. “You did that for me? You got that cool looking dragon tattoo for me?”

  “I sure did, buddy. I know how much you love dragons.”

  He looked away to wipe the tears, and then turned back to me. “So you could always remember me. Is that why you did it?”

  My cool composure flew out the door. I couldn’t look him in the eyes, knowing death was just around the corner. Unable to say a word, in fear I may lose it, I nodded instead.

  “Can you give me a hug, Elijah? I can’t jump on you anymore.”

  “Of course.” I reached down and wrapped my arms around him. He was a lot weaker than yesterday and his words were slow in coming.

  “When people go to Heaven do they remember the family they left behind?”

  I released him. “I’m not sure.”

  “When it’s your turn to go to Heaven, do you think we’ll know each other?”

  He was asking me a lot of questions that I didn’t have answers to. My heart was breaking and the only thing I could do was to try to lighten the mood with some humor. Pointing to the tattoo on my arm I said, “How could you ever miss this? You’ll remember me.”

  Evan snorted lightly. “Yeah, you’re right.” He paused. “Will you promise me something?”

  “Of course.”

  “Will you stop smoking?”

  “How did you know?” I was surprised. I had never smoked in front of him before.

  “I peeked out the window one night and saw you with that girl you were dating. Both of you were smoking.”

  “You saw me with Clara? I didn’t mean for you to see that. I don’t smoke much so don’t worry.”

  “I want you to stop. If you don’t, when I get to Heaven, I’m gonna ask God to send you the hottest girl so she’ll make you stop. You know, the kind of girl you can’t live without. You’ll do it for her.” He started to laugh again, but it was very faint and short-lived.

  “If you’re planning on sending me the hottest girl, I’m going to wait. Anyway, I want the girl to love me for who I am and not what she wants me to be. And why am I talking about relationships with you?” I lightly rubbed his arm.

  He managed to give me a smile and asked, “Do you think Dad knows I’m sick?”

  “Evan. I don’t want you to think about Dad right now.” My tone was not pleasant. The word “dad” always made me react with anger. He left us three years ago when he became addicted to gambling, and we hadn’t heard a word from him since. I had to calm down for Evan’s sake. “If Dad knew you were sick. I’m sure he would’ve been here.” It was a lie, but I knew he needed to hear that.

  “Okay,” he said. He rubbed his eyes, trying to hide his pain. Then he focused on me again. “How are you going to explain to Mom about your tattoo?”

  “Don’t worry so much, buddy. Just think happy thoughts.”

  Evan suddenly gazed to his right. “Do you see the light? Do you see her?” He tried to point to the window, but his arm dropped before he could.

  I turned to his line of vision. What the heck was he talking about? “See what?”

  Evan gingerly placed his hand on my tattoo without a reply. “I’ll never forget you did this for me. Elijah…you’re the best brother anyone could have.” His voice was very faint, but it was very clear, piercing loudly through my heart.

  Evan looked to his right again with a smile. I turned in that direction again, but I saw nothing. When his arm slid off my tattoo, I shot my eyes to his. His eyes were closed, and there was no more movement from his chest. That’s when I knew.

  It felt like someone punched my gut. The pain I felt was nothing I’d ever felt before. Sounds I didn’t recognize escaped my mouth. As I held my little brother’s hand for the last time, I let out a loud cry. My chest hurt, my hands trembled, and I shook so much it felt like any minute a bomb would explode inside of me. That’s when my mother and the nurses rushed in.

  Seeing my mom drop to the floor screaming, slapped me back into reality. For a second there, I had thought this was all a dream, but it wasn’t. Suddenly, my focus returned and the pain ebbed just long enough for me to reach my mom.

  I dropped to the floor beside her and hugged her. That was all I could do to comfort h
er. I couldn’t take the pain away. Her cry was loud enough for the both of us. One of mom’s hands pressed on the tattoo so tightly, pain ripped through me, but I didn’t care. It was nothing compared to the pain I felt in my heart. Death had punctured a hole that couldn’t be mended. How do you get past this?

  Chapter 22

  Alexandria

  Lexy took me to the biggest Halloween shop I’d ever seen. There were rows and rows of costumes and it frazzled me. It didn’t help that there were scary, disgusting looking figures everywhere I turned. Even seeing Jason’s mask on display gave me the shivers, sending goose bumps down my back. I was happy when we headed to the women’s section.

  “Do you know what you want to be?” Lexy asked, struggling with a long blonde wig on her head. “I think I want to be something totally different. How about this one?”

  “Lexy, you look hot in that wig,” I exclaimed.

  She laughed, taking if off. “Maybe I’ll be a sexy pirate or a devil.”

  “How about this one?” I held up an angel costume.

  “Hell no. I want to get the guys attention, Alex. I want to look like someone you want to sleep with, not someone you want to pray with,” she laughed, turning to the other rack.

  “Do you know what Seth and Elijah are going to be?” Even though Elijah had told me he wasn’t dressing up, I thought there was a chance he was joking.

  “Seth always dresses up as something really scary, and as for Elijah, he thinks he’s too cool to dress up. I’ve been trying to get him to dress up for the past I-don’t-know-how-many years. I just gave up. He’ll come as his boring self.”

  “How about these?” I held up two costumes. “Why not be a superhero? Wonder Woman or Batwoman?

  “Oh.”

  That got her attention big time.

  “Batwoman. I’ll try that on. Did you find something for yourself?”