My Clarity

by M. Clarke

  “Want to know a little secret?” Elijah took a step forward and I tried to take a step back. With nowhere to go, I was backed against the sink. His muscles flexed and his hands rested on either side of the sink, making me his prisoner. I couldn’t breathe and he gave me no space when he leaned in. His lips brushed against the tip of my ear as if to reveal a top secret. “I can make one hell of an order of mashed potatoes.”

  “You can?” I asked, feeling dizzy by his proximity. His lips were way too close. I could almost touch them with my own. Recalling our first kiss, how they tasted and felt, I think I was gravitating toward them.

  “And you know what else?” he continued.

  I nodded because speaking was out of the question. A minute ago, I was extremely mad at him. Now, I was totally melting into him. How does he do that to me? It’s unnerving. I had to snap out of it.

  “I make really good beans, too.”

  I bet he could make anything taste good.

  “That’s what my little brother always told me anyway.” His flirty eyes became soft.

  I felt his pain when he mentioned his brother, and my eyes shifted to his dragon tattoo. Without thinking clearly, I reached for his cheek and gently stroked it in a circular motion. Surprisingly, Elijah closed his eyes, pressed his cheek into the palm of my hand, and let me comfort him.

  We both jerked and flashed our eyes to the door when there was a knock. I didn’t realize Elijah had shut the door behind us.

  “Are you guys okay in there?” Emma asked. How long were we in here? I had no clue. Time always seemed to stand still when Elijah and I were alone.

  “We’re fine. We’ll be right out,” I managed to say, feeling my pulse escalate.

  “We’re done making out…I mean….” Elijah shook his head and snapped his eyes at me. I think he blushed. “making up…I meant…cleaning up.” He let out a quick snort.

  Emma said nothing. She was most likely back in the kitchen already.

  “We should get going,” I said, still held captive. My eyes shifted to where he had Clara’s name tattooed by his heart. I assumed he loved her enough to have her name imprinted on his body like that. Knowing he could never love me like that, I needed to guard my heart.

  Elijah looked down to his shoes for some time, and then gazed into my eyes sternly. “Alex.” He let out a soft sigh. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done what I did that night. I was buzzed and we were in that position and….”

  “Please, stop.” I didn’t know why he felt the need to apologize. I wished he hadn’t. He made me feel cheap and worthless, as if I was just a snack he wanted to have before bedtime, and all because he wasn’t himself. Elijah looked at me like he wanted more of an explanation, so I lied. “That’s okay. I had already forgotten about it.” I tried to play it cool, but he had no idea how much I was hurting and I couldn’t believe it got this far.

  “Cool,” he said with a nod. “We’re fine then.”

  He might have been, but I wasn’t. “Yup, we’re fine,” I nodded, trying not to tear up, but I knew I had an excuse if I wanted to just cry. My eyes were still burning from the onions.

  “Alex…,” he added, dragging out the word. “I didn’t have a chance to thank you for my birthday gift. You really didn’t need to do that, but I thank you. My pictures thank you.”

  “It was nothing,” I said, trying to give him a smile, but I could only give him half of it.

  “Alex.” There was something different about his tone this time, like he was about to confess. I didn’t say a word. I waited for him to continue. “That night when I brought home that girl….”

  Why did he have to bring it up? My heart was breaking all over. I didn’t know if I could hold myself together. I wanted to drop to the floor and cry. Swallowing down a hard lump in my throat, I listened, but every single nerve in my body was alert. I was jealous and in pain. I wanted to hate him, but I had no right.

  “I should have stuck to our agreement and told you I was bringing someone home. I mean…she didn’t mean anything to me. Whatever you thought or heard….” he sighed somberly. Whatever he was trying to tell me took much effort. Surprisingly, he looked down and nestled his head lightly on my shoulder. He couldn’t look at me. “Nothing happened. I swear nothing happened. I sent her home. I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.”

  Tears poured down my face. He might be telling me the truth, but why was he telling me this? What was the point? He had hurt me to the point of no return anyway, though a part of me was happy that he didn’t sleep with her. Regardless, I knew he did it to prove a point, to prove to me that he didn’t care about me that way. Before he looked up, I quickly wiped my tears. “This is your place. You don’t need my permission. Don’t be silly.” I tried to play it off like it was no big deal, but it was difficult when my lips were trembling and my heart wouldn’t let go of the ache.

  “Okay.” Elijah finally looked up, matching his eyes to mine, searching, wanting to read my expression. Whatever he saw, he looked satisfied. “Great.” He paused. “We’re okay?” He paused once more for my answer, giving me a crooked grin.

  “Yup,” I said it as if I meant it.

  “I’m going to give you a hug now since friends hug after they make up.”

  Suddenly, he embraced me before I had time to register what he had said. I sucked in air when my body pressed against his. God he felt so good. I needed him off me. But when he pressed his face into my hair, around the space of my neck, I was reminded of that night and pleasurable heat infused through every part of me. My heart hammered faster and the arms that dangled down by my sides refused to push him away, no matter what my mind told them to do.

  “I think the gang is here, Freckles,” he murmured in my ear, sending electric shivers through me again.

  Next thing I knew, he released me. The cold air took his space when he headed out the door without looking back. As for me, I stared at the wall to get a hold of myself.

  Chapter 29

  Alexandria

  Emma got along perfectly with my friends. I knew she would. Her personality was just like Lexy’s. Being the social butterfly that she was, there was never a doubt she wouldn’t be loved. If I wasn’t mistaken, Seth was paying extra attention to her.

  Looking at the table full of delicious food made me smile. The turkey came out perfect, plump and juicy. Elijah wasn’t kidding when he said he made the best mashed potatoes and beans. I hadn’t tasted them yet, but they looked wonderful. Lexy made rice and steamed corn, Seth brought salad and yams, and Dean brought gravy, cranberry sauce, and pumpkin pie for dessert. The dishes, utensils and drinks were on the table. We were all set.

  “Before we slice this baby up, let’s go around the table and say what we are thankful for,” Emma suggested.

  “What?” Dean chugged his drink. “I thought we were done with that when we left home.”

  “That’s ‘cause you’ve got nothing to be thankful for,” Seth scowled. “Where’s your manners?” He lightly socked him.

  “Up my ass,” he snorted.

  “Shut up and sit down if you want to eat,” Lexy scolded playfully. Since there weren’t enough seats, we stood around the table. “I’ll start first,” she continued. “I’m thankful for my new friend, Alex.” She gave me a sideways hug, making me smile.

  “I’m thankful for this feast,” Seth added. “The turkey looks delicious. Great job ladies.” Seth was looking right at Emma when he spoke.

  Emma lit a shy smile. “You’re welcome.”

  It had been a long time since I’d seen her gush like that. Oh no! I knew what it meant.

  Emma was next. “I would like to thank all of you for taking good care of Alex. She’s like a sister to me. I was very worried about her, especially since she left her hometown so soon after her father passed away.”

  Emma made me teary-eyed and I did my best not to let them flow. It was very sweet of her to say, but I wished she would have told me that in private. I didn’t want the others to feel uncomfo
rtable about it. Like always, she tried to lighten things up after something that sounded so somber. With her elbow, she nudged me. “Your turn.”

  I rolled my eyes at her, but she knew I was being playful. “I’m thankful for all of you, for making me feel like I’m home. For helping me get through the most difficult months of college.”

  “That’s because you’re easy to take care of,” Dean started to say. “I mean, you’re easy going and nice.” Dean shrugged his shoulders sheepishly, probably wondering if he’d said the right thing. After a pause, he continued. “I’m thankful for nice people. Thanks for the invite.”

  “It was Alex’s idea,” Lexy added quickly.

  All eyes flashed to me. “It was Lexy’s idea, too.” I wanted to say that to get the attention away from me, but it didn’t work, so I tried something else. “What are you thankful for, Elijah?” It was his turn anyway.

  He took a moment to pause, as if searching for words. “This is easy. I’m thankful for good health, a roof over my head, great friends that are like family, picture frames for my photos, and milk and cookies.”

  Elijah arched his brow and raised his lips in a mischievous grin. His answer tugged my heart. Everyone gave him a baffled look but me. I knew he was trying to let me know that he appreciated his birthday gift again, but I wasn’t going to give him any satisfaction. He wasn’t going to weasel back into my heart. I preferred to be mad at him. It was safer for me this way. As for the milk and cookies, that made me blush big time.

  “Since when do you like milk and cookies,” Seth challenged with an unbelievable tone.

  “I never disliked them,” he retorted.

  “Well then,” Lexy coughed, breaking the conversation. “Let’s eat.”

  After Seth carved the turkey, we filled our plates. The girls sat around the table while the guys sat on the sofa.

  “The turkey is so juicy,” Lexy gushed, showing us the slice she just poked. “You’ll have to give me your recipe.”

  “Sure,” Emma agreed. “You just have to make sure to keep basting and buy the right brand of turkey.”

  “How long are you staying?” Lexy mumbled, chewing.

  “Just over night. I’m scheduled to work on Saturday. It’s crazy after Thanksgiving. I’m just glad I’m not working on Black Friday. It’s like a zoo.”

  “Alex, if you didn’t plan anything for tomorrow, let’s go see a movie.” Lexy looked at me, waiting for an answer.

  “Sure, if Emma is up for it.” I stuffed the mashed potatoes in my mouth. They were so smooth and creamy. I couldn’t stop eating. Looking at Emma, she couldn’t stop eating them either.

  “Yeah. I’m up for a movie. I haven’t seen one in a long time,” Emma said.

  “Great. I’ll come pick you guys up before lunch,” Lexy smiled.

  Elijah

  After having one of the best turkey dinners I’d had in a long time, we all helped clear the table while Emma and Alex did the dishes.

  Standing next to Alex while she rinsed the dish that Emma just soaped, I spoke to her. “Alex, you missed a spot,” I joked, pointing to the dish in her hand.

  “Thanks,” she replied in monotone.

  Alex wasn’t making eye contact with me and that made me feel like shit. Even when I tried to have a conversation with her, she was very short and to the point. She purposely avoided me. Yeah, that hurt. And worse, I think I screwed up our friendship. I thought she accepted my apology in the bathroom, but maybe she said it just to get me off her back. I had to fix this, but how?

  Just as I came out of the kitchen, Seth dragged me to the hall and whispered bleakly, “You kissed her didn’t you?”

  “What? What are you talking about?”

  “Elijah, I can read you like a book. We are like brothers. Don’t give me that shit,” he huffed. “I can tell.”

  “How can you tell?”

  “You’re desperately trying to get her attention and she’s desperately trying not to look at you. There’s something going on between you two.”

  I shut my eyes, and then opened them slowly. “Look. It happened once. It won’t happen again.”

  Seth’s eyes grew wide and he backed me against the wall in anger. I didn’t want to hurt him and I didn’t want to bring any attention to us so I did nothing. “You’re not supposed to touch her,” he growled through his teeth. His words were so soft, not wanting others to hear. “You know our code. What the hell were you thinking? Whatever is going on, stop it. She’s not the kind of girl you have a one-night stand with. She deserves better than that. Jesus, Elijah. Jimmy is coming down for our graduation. Don’t mess with the little family we’ve got here, okay? I don’t mean to tell you what to do. From what I can see, she’s into you. You know how I know? She’s trying so hard to ignore you. You’re almost invisible to her right now. Whatever you did, you hurt her. If you really like her then make it work, but knowing your track record….” He paused. “Look, just do the right thing.”

  “Hey, you two making out back there?” Dean chuckled, peering in from the living room. “Hurry up, I’ve set up the table. It’s poker time.”

  “Yeah, we are. Jealous much?” Seth headed toward him.

  As I followed behind, I took a peek into the kitchen. Alex was smiling and laughing at whatever they were talking about. When she caught me watching, she became a different person. The smile vanished and so did her laughter. Had I hurt her that much?

  We sat around the coffee table. I didn’t know Alex and Emma could play, but then again, I’d never asked. I was sort of surprised. Alex didn’t seem like the type that would know the game, but she did say she was close to her father. Perhaps they played together.

  “What’s the bet?” Dean asked.

  “How about the winner can request one thing from anyone at the table.” Lexy looked at each of us for confirmation.

  “Deal,” we all said in accord. Simple enough.

  Dean exchanged chips for cash and dealt the cards while explaining how much the color chips represented. “The red is worth fifty cents. The blue is worth a buck. The green is worth five bucks.”

  Everyone nodded.

  “Seth, it’s your bet,” Dean directed.

  Seth tossed in the red chip and everyone took turns looking at their cards. After a few rounds, everyone folded except for Seth and me. I knew Seth was bluffing. Even with that poker face, I could see right through him because he wasn’t making eye contact with me. I never told him I knew his tell. This was my secret. Sure enough, I called his bluff and I won that hand.

  It had been a couple of hours. Everyone was out of the game except for Alex and me. She continued to make minimal eye contact with me. When she did, it was very quick, as if looking at me burned her eyes. I had to make her smile again.

  I didn’t know if Alex was getting tired or if she didn’t want to be in the game with me anymore, but she shoved all her chips in the center. “I’m all in,” she said.

  I gave in. “I’m all in, too.”

  Everyone else gathered around us again, waiting…anticipating. Seth tried to see my cards, but I wouldn’t let him. Alex looked shocked and worried. Wringing a strand of hair in her finger reminded me of the first day I met her. “Show me what you’ve got,” I said.

  Alex placed her cards down and bit her bottom lip. “Three tens.”

  Those were pretty good cards, but mine were better. I had a full house. Looking at my cards again, I waited to give them a good show. “I was bluffing. You won,” I said quickly and shoved my cards with the other used ones.

  “I won?” Alex beamed a real genuine smile. That made me smile big time and my heart felt warm seeing her happy. Everyone congratulated her and Dean gave her the wad of cash.

  “Thanks,” she cooed, but sheepishly accepted it. I knew she felt bad for taking our money. She had a good heart. “Dinner’s on me next week. I’ll make my famous spaghetti.”

  “No, no Alex,” Lexy said. “You keep the money. You don’t need to spend it on us.”
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  “Save it for the down payment on your car,” Emma suggested, “so you can come home anytime you like.” She gave Alex a hug, then let go. “Or you can go shopping where I work and I’ll get you a discount.”

  The girls laughed, but were soon interrupted by Dean.

  “Before I forget, Alex. Cynthia told me to tell you that she may need a roommate as soon as Christmas break. She asked me to let you know since she went home for Thanksgiving.”

  “You’re moving out?” Lexy asked Alex, and then turned to me with a questioning look. Now I was going to hear it from her.

  It occurred to me that Alex might move out after what had happened between us, but I thought that was a very slim chance. I didn’t know it bothered her this much. I also didn’t know the idea of her moving out would cause a tremendous sting of pain in my heart. Maybe it was for the best.

  “I was going to let you know,” Alex started to tell me, keeping her eyes glued on her fingernails as if she was being scolded. “Cynthia told me she needed a roommate. This way you could have your place back. You can smoke whenever and wherever you want. Or bring girls home so you don’t have to ask me and feel weird about it.”

  “Liam must be happy about that,” I slithered in that comment and headed to the kitchen without letting her answer back. I don’t know why I said it, only that it pissed me off knowing he got his way. This also confirmed she was still with him.

  Chapter 30

  Alexandria

  Whiteboard:

  Going home. I left the rent on the table.

  -Alex

  The bus ride home wasn’t too bad. Mom picked me up at the bus station, and I settled into my old room. It was strange coming back home after being gone so long, especially since my father passed away. Besides seeing Emma and few of my others friends, I didn’t have much to look forward to.

  “You’re not eating much,” Mom said, sitting across from me. “Is everything okay?”