My Clarity

by M. Clarke

“Do you remember Liam?” I asked, twirling my fork through the rice pilaf. I hadn’t opened up to Mom in a long time. We rarely talked about this type of thing. Actually, I was the one brushing off the subject every time she would bring it up, so I was surprised at how open I was tonight.

  “Of course I do. Are you two having problems?”

  “To make a long story short, we are. I don’t feel the same about him anymore. Actually, I want to tell him that I think it’s best we don’t see each other anymore, but I’m so nervous.”

  What I really wanted to tell Mom was that I was attracted to a guy who smoked, who had not one, but two tattoos, didn’t believe in commitment, and was street racing for a living. Yeah, that would go over really well with her. Even though these were things I normally avoided in a relationship, somehow, it seems I was falling in love with him. I wouldn’t want to change anything about him. Elijah is who he is because of what he’d been through in life. It was ironic. I never thought I would fall for someone like him. I guess the old saying is right; you can’t help whom you fall in love with.

  “To tell you the truth, I really didn’t like Liam. I’m sure he treated you well, and I know I don’t have the right to judge him since I didn’t get to know him, but he reminded me of your dad.”

  Anger flared like a shotgun blast. “What do you mean? How could you say that? Dad was the best. He did so much for us.” I could feel my face burn with fury. He wasn’t here to defend himself. How could she say things like that?

  Mom took a deep sigh. “Alex, you always blamed me for the divorce and I never said anything in my defense because I never wanted you to look at your father any differently. And you shouldn’t have to. What you two had was very special. You were his sunshine, but I was his rain. He was a great father, but a terrible husband. He was domineering, controlling, and mostly selfish. I’m sorry to tell you all this, but you have to know. I felt like I lost you when I left your dad.”

  Her words shocked me. I never knew how it was for her. Then it hit me. Of course, I didn’t know. I was their daughter, but I knew very little about their relationship. What they wanted me to see compared to what really went on was completely different. I had never heard them arguing. I couldn’t recall my dad ever acting the way she said he did, but how could I? Looking in from the outside, everything was perfect. I always thought mom was being selfish and just wanted out of the marriage. I thought about Liam. None of his friends would think he was controlling, demanding, or selfish. Then I understood.

  “I’m so sorry, Mom. I never knew.”

  “Of course you didn’t. It was our problem and not yours. Your dad and I were good at arguing when you weren’t around. But when it was the three of us, we were a happy family. We did it for your sake. To tell you the truth, I was miserable. I stuck it out as long as I could. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t make it work for all of us. Don’t suffer the same fate. You can’t help whom you fall in love with, but you can be smart about it. Liam was your first real relationship. It doesn’t mean he has to be your last. Don’t feel like you have to make it work because dad and I couldn’t. You’re not married. Play the field while you can, and figure out what kind of man you want.”

  Just as she finished her words, William walked through the front door. Mom stood up, her smile beaming. I could see how happy she was with him. I rarely saw that smile when she was with dad. I got up and gave William a hug. I promised myself that I would stop thinking negative thoughts about him and be more open-minded.

  My eyes were truly opened today. I didn’t know why I made snap judgments instead of looking at all the evidence. Maybe I just refused to see the truth that was right in front of me. I was Daddy’s little girl and I only saw what he wanted me to see.

  Liam picked me up. I had a feeling he knew something was up when I had stopped calling him or returning his calls, especially when I texted him to let him know I was not going to spend Christmas with his family. I knew it was childish of me, but that was one way of letting him know we were done.

  Liam didn’t even get out of the car when he came to my house. He just honked the horn several times to let me know he was here. Jerk! I knew he wasn’t happy with me, but he gave me all the confirmation again that I was doing the right thing.

  “I’m going to drive to the park nearby so we can talk.” His tone was not friendly.

  “Sure.” I nodded, trying to keep it cool. My heart was pounding against my chest. I was not good with confrontation. It also saddened me that the feelings I once had for this guy could vanish just like that. I guess I really didn’t love him, but what did I know about love anyway?

  After a couple of blocks, he pulled over to the curb. All the beautiful leaves had fallen, leaving the branches bare and decorating the grass with colors of orange, red and yellow. It was a beautiful sight. I purposely focused on them, trying to figure out how I should tell him without hurting his feelings. I was also anticipating his loud, angry tone.

  “Why didn’t you answer my calls?” His eyes set on mine with disappointment and anger.

  “Liam—”

  “Alex. Let me talk first,” he cut me off.

  There he was being all about him again.

  “I don’t think we’re right for each other. I think it’s best we go our separate ways. The distance isn’t helping either.”

  I was disgusted. All this time I had been worrying about how he would feel about me breaking up with him, worrying about hurting his feelings. Obviously, he had been thinking about it, too.

  My anger began to boil. Was I angry because I had wasted all this time on him, or because I didn’t see what a real jerk he was? Or maybe it was the fact that he wanted to make it sound like he had broken up with me. Why? Probably so he could save face in front of his friends—who knew which one.

  “You know what? I was going to say the exact same thing,” I retorted. Liam didn’t look surprised.

  “I was right. It’s because of him, isn’t it?” he huffed, raising his voice. “You slept with him, didn’t you? You let him be your first when it should have been me. Well, I hooked up with someone else, too, so I guess that makes us even.”

  I knew I should have been hurt, but truthfully, I didn’t care. I was just glad I never gave him all of me; I didn’t want him to take the best of me, either. I wanted him to know I wouldn’t be thinking about him after I left. I wanted him to know that he was not going to push me around anymore.

  “Where do you think you’re going?” he demanded after I opened my side of the car.

  I thought about the time Elijah asked in front of Liam if I wanted his big dick, referring to the Big Stick popsicle he was holding. They didn’t know I was listening. They didn’t know I was laughing at Elijah’s question. I bore into Liam’s eyes so he would see the sincerity of what I was about to say.

  “We’re done. Oh and by the way…I kissed Elijah. He’s a great kisser.” Going in for the kill, I added, “And his dick is a lot bigger than yours.” Then I slammed the door. The look on his face was priceless. I wished I could have taken a picture of it and sent it to Emma. Running across the park, I felt the cold breeze brush against my face. It felt good to run the rest of the way home. It felt even better to be free of Liam, but a part of me was sad. He would no longer be a part of my life. I guess that was a good thing.

  Elijah

  Everyone had gone home for the holidays. Though my friends invited me to their homes, I didn’t feel like going anywhere. It had been a week since Alex left, but it felt more like a month. When Jimmy was gone, I’d missed him, but not like this. I kept telling myself that it was the fact that there was another body here again so it made it less lonely, but I knew that wasn’t the real reason. What made this situation worse was knowing Alex was seriously considering moving out, or maybe she had already made up her mind.

  Standing against the cool breeze, I tugged my leather jacket closer together as I stood before my mother and my brother’s graves. The cemetery was always crowded and beautif
ul this time of the year. Most people brought either a small, decorated Christmas tree or poinsettias, but I brought something different. From afar, the color red stood out and it was an amazing site to see.

  It didn’t matter that it had been a little over a year. The pain was just the same. “Merry Christmas, Mom.” I placed a dozen red roses on her stone. “I’ve brought your favorite flowers. If you were here….” I choked and paused. “I would’ve placed them all over the house for you.”

  Turning to my brother’s headstone, I placed down a huge stuffed dragon. “Merry Christmas, Evan. I saw this and I knew you would like it.” I took a moment to collect myself. “You know, it’s not fair. You and Mom are together and I’m here alone. I miss you both very much. I have good friends, but it’s not the same.” I exhaled a heavy sigh, taking another moment to collect myself.

  “So what are you two doing up there?” I tried to lighten my mood. “Not much for me. The same old thing except, I have a new roommate now.” I smiled at the thought of Alex. “She’s a girl, Mom. A really nice girl. I know you would have loved her,” I snorted. “I can tell you this without worrying about you lecturing me.”

  “It’s kind of complicated. I think I really like her and I think she likes me, but she’s seeing someone. So, my dear brother, nice try. You really did send me a hot girl, but too bad. It just wasn’t meant to be,” I said, remembering his words at the hospital, when he told me he was going to ask God to send me a hot girl to make me stop smoking. Yeah, right.

  Kneeling down, I brushed the cut grass off their headstones and ran my hand across once more, as if I could touch them. The stones felt cold and rough, but I didn’t care. It was a painful reminder that I was alone and they were gone.

  Knowing I had to leave soon, I had my own moment of silence and took in their presence. The gut-wrenching pain sucked me in, holding tightly against my heart, tearing piece by piece, slicing layer by layer, until there was only an empty space…until I felt nothing. Every time, it was the same. I started to heal only after I let the pain out through my tears and through the ugly, horrid sound that escaped my mouth. Only a few could understand how much I was missing them, aching from their absence. I didn’t bother to wipe away the tears. They continued to fall as I headed home.

  Alexandria

  Emma and I had a blast, shopping and hanging out for a couple of days before Christmas. We tried to spend a lot of time together, and I made sure to spend quality time with my mom, as well. The visit with her was different this time around. There was a misunderstanding between us that was cleared up now. I felt closer to my mom than ever before.

  School didn’t start for another week, but since I was scheduled to work, I had to cut my vacation short. I also needed time to get my things packed to move out. Elijah had no clue I was actually moving. I didn’t think I could do it face-to-face. Knowing he wasn’t home, I packed up quickly and left a note.

  Chapter 31

  Elijah

  When I walked through the door after being at the gym, I didn’t know if my mind was playing tricks on me. Strangely, I inhaled Alex’s perfume, the flowers I loved to smell. I was happy she might be back home so I quickly showered. When I headed to the kitchen and saw a letter addressed to me, I knew it wasn’t good. My heart sunk and I didn’t want to read it.

  Elijah,

  I’m sorry to give you such short notice. By the time you get this letter, I’ll be at my new place. I’ve left you the rent for January as well, since it wasn’t fair of me to leave without giving you at least thirty days’ notice as you requested. I also added my share of the monthly utility bill in the check. I hope it’s enough. If not, please let me know. I hope you had a nice Christmas and I guess I’ll see you around.

  -Alex

  I stared at the letter after I’d read it twice. I crumbled it up and chucked it across the dining room as if I was throwing a baseball. FUCK! I messed up. I messed up BIG time. Gripping my hair tightly with both of my hands, I walked in circles, trying to calm myself down. There was so much anger, frustration, and regret bottled up. I could’ve fought for her, should’ve fixed whatever came between us. Now I lost her friendship and HER!

  She had moved out…she had really moved out. It repeatedly echoed in my mind. This was my fucking fault. I knew it was coming. I was almost certain Liam had forced her to do it. I guess it was better this way, but why did it hurt so much? It was as if we had broken up. A blanket of emptiness settled around me, and it refused to let go.

  It got worse as the days went by, especially when I’d lay alone in my bed at night. I could almost see her laying with me, asking me to sing to her. The feel of her smooth skin was imprinted on my mind and it haunted me. Not to mention the sweet taste of her lips and the softness of her hair. I loved to bury my face in her hair.

  It was difficult to concentrate on anything else, especially at home. My mind was consumed with thoughts of her. Everything in this place reminded me of Alex, especially the milk carton and her favorite popsicles. I was even daydreaming about the meals she would purposely leave for me.

  I could say without a doubt that I missed her. I missed everything about her. I didn’t have Art History class with her anymore, but I knew where she worked. I couldn’t go there. It seemed desperate, even though a part of me wanted to go. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea. I had a race in couple of weeks. It was going to be on the streets, one of the most dangerous ones, and we’ll be drawing a lot of attention.

  A soft knock broke me out of my thoughts. “Lexy?”

  “Hey, Elijah. Got a minute?”

  Squeezing into the small space between the door and me, she didn’t give me a chance to answer, so I asked her a question instead. “Did something happen to Alex?”

  She looked at me like I was an idiot. “Seriously? You’re like my brother and you’re asking me that question? I know something happened between you.”

  “Alex told you?” I nervously ran my fingers through my hair.

  “Shit,” she mumbled softly. “Something did happen.”

  She had tricked me! Crap! Alex hadn’t told her anything. “We just kissed. I didn’t sleep with her.”

  “Were you wasted at the time or—”

  “No, I wasn’t. I told her that I was. I know I shouldn’t have, but—”

  “You like her don’t you?”

  I didn’t answer.

  “I’m here because there’s a rumor Clara is pregnant. I thought I should give you a heads up. I’ve seen her a couple of times around campus. She doesn’t look pregnant so I’m wondering—”

  “It’s not mine,” I snapped. “I haven’t seen her in at least six months. She calls me all the time, but I don’t answer. I have nothing to say to her.

  “Good. Just don’t let her weasel her way back into your life.”

  “Don’t worry. I’ve been burned before and it’s not going to happen again.”

  Lexy paused, peering into my eyes. “You really like Alex, don’t you?”

  “It doesn’t matter. She’s with someone else. Besides, she shouldn’t be with me. I can’t give her the things she deserves.”

  “You think she’s materialistic?”

  “No, I didn’t mean that.”

  “You think Alex left because of that kiss?” Her tone was slightly raised. “Boy, guys really are stupid and clueless.” Lexy crossed her arm, shaking her head. “I’m going to tell you straight out. She moved out because she feels something for you, too.” Then she headed for the door. “Sorry, I gotta go. Someone called in sick.”

  “Have you seen Alex lately?” I asked hesitantly. I didn’t know why just saying her name gave me both joy and pain.

  Lexy stopped after she opened the door. “No, but we texted. Here is my advice. Either you two stay away from each other for a while, or shape up to be the man you think she deserves and go fight for her. Elijah, life was very cruel to you before, but it’s about time for payback. You deserve happiness now. And, by the way, Alex broke up with Liam. Though
t you might want to know,” Lexy winked and closed the door behind her.

  Chapter 32

  Elijah

  Knowing Alex broke up with Liam was the best Christmas gift ever. As I looked at my phone, debating whether to text or call her, there was a knock on the door.

  “Clara,” I said, raising my brows in discontent. She still looked as beautiful as I remembered. Her dark hair was longer and she looked like she’d gained some weight. Regardless, she was still gorgeous and dressed to turn guys’ heads with her short skirt, tight top, and killer heels.

  “It’s good to see you too, Elijah.” Her tone was sarcastic. “Why didn’t you answer my phone calls?”

  “Really?” I crossed my arms and leaned back against the doorframe.

  “Are you going to let me in? Or is there another woman in your life?”

  I didn’t answer her or budge. She continued. “Listen. I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m pregnant.” Her eyes welled with tears. Crap! Why does that get to me all the time? I hate seeing women cry.

  “Don’t even lie to me,” I said sternly. “And don’t you dare tell me it’s mine.” I paused to examine her stomach. “You certainly don’t look pregnant.”

  “I’m only a few weeks along. Don’t worry. It’s not yours. The father doesn’t want anything to do with me. I just…I don’t know what to do.” Tears streamed down her face. “I don’t have any friends.” Her lips trembled.

  I knew better than to let her in, but I couldn’t just slam the door in her face. “I think I know who you can talk to.”

  “Thanks, Elijah. I don’t know why I ever let you go. You’re the best.” She walked in when I moved out of the way.

  Funny how she sees it that way, when it was I who left her. “You can eat, take a nap or do what you need to do, but you can’t stay here. Do you understand?”

  Clara nodded.

  “I’ll make some phone calls to get you some help. I’m going out to take care of few things. I should be back in two hours. I want you to be ready to leave by the time I return.”