An Imperfect Circle

by R. J. Sable

  It’s the reason he’s not going into the military, even though he wants to. He doesn’t want to be second best to Ian again. Second born. Second best. That’s the way he sees it.

  And it’s honestly the closest he’s come to actually being stupid.

  This isn’t the time or place to explain this to him so instead I just squeeze his hand under the table.

  It takes a second but eventually he squeezes back, albeit without meeting my eye.

  Much of the food goes untouched, which is always a stark sign that something is drastically wrong in the Carter house but I set about washing the dishes regardless.

  Jamie-Lea settles herself by my side with a tea towel in hand without even being asked. I see the way she watches her brothers and sees their pain. I’m still not sure she fully grasps what’s happened but I can see how much it upsets her that her brothers are sad.

  “Let me do that,” Karl tries to manoeuvre himself in front of me and take over.

  I hold my ground because I’m perfectly capable of doing the dishes.

  “Elise,” he growls.

  “Stop it, Karl. I can do this,” I warn him, keeping my voice low so that the others don’t hear us.

  “For fuck’s sake, Elise, just let me do it.”

  I scowl but it occurs to me that maybe he needs to do something to keep himself busy and stay out of his head so I reluctantly take a step back and let him replace me.

  “Finally,” he grumbles with an exasperated sigh.

  It would have been fine if he’d kept quiet. Really it would. But the frustrating dung beetle just had to open his mouth.

  He knows I have a short fuse. I’m tired, hurt, upset, and barely maintaining my temper as it is. I tried. I really did.

  “Stop being an ass,” I snap, giving him a hard shove.

  He barely moves but I see the last of his resolve break away. Whatever it was that was going on in his brain this morning is at the forefront of his mind again and it’s running the show.

  “Well excuse me,” he barks. “My dad just fucking died I’m entitled to be an ass.”

  I can’t believe he just used that as an excuse. It’s despicable and I’m pretty sure Andrew would have agreed.

  “Karl!” Peter barks from the other side of the kitchen. His tone of voice is quite rightly affronted.

  I see Karl wince for a microsecond but it does nothing to lessen his anger and it’s all aimed at me.

  Jamie scuttles out of the way and into her grandfather’s arms. Peter whisks the rest of the family out of the room, seemingly understanding that the two of us need to talk.

  “Just go home, Elise.” His voice comes out in a cold whisper. I expected him to be screaming in fury but the detached whisper is so much worse.

  “What?” I almost stammer, completely caught off guard.

  “You heard me,” he answers, turning his back on me and continuing with the dishes like nothing happened.

  “You can’t just dismiss me,” I screech. “It doesn’t work like that, Karl. I get that you’re hurting, we all are but-”

  “You don’t get it, Elise!” He yells cutting me off. He’s turned around to face me and we’re toe to toe.

  The usual alluring scent of cinnamon and wood stain is absent, repressed by the sheer weight of the fury I can feel choking the air around us.

  “Both my parents are dead. Gone. We’ll never see them again. I don’t want you here and I don’t need you here.”

  “Karl,” I choke. “I want to be here for you.”

  “Well I don’t want you here. Did you think of that?” He spits his venomous words, grabbing my arms and physically forcing me back a step to increase the distance between us.

  It’s the first time in a long while that I’m actually grateful for the space between us. Every syllable out of his mouth is stripping flesh from bone.

  I’m not going to let him make me cry but the effort of keeping it together is almost too much.

  “Fine,” I spit. “I’ll go but I’ll never forgive you for making me.”

  “I’m not asking for your forgiveness, darlin’. I’m not asking for you for anything. I’m telling you to leave. Now.”

  I clench my teeth and resist urge to punch him in the jaw because it won’t help no matter how tempting it is.

  “Go,” he growls when I hold my ground because I refuse to be intimidated.

  I’m about to issue a snarky response when comprehension dawns and I understand that look in his eyes. It’s acceptance. It’s dismissal. It’s a decision being made.

  “You’re ending us,” I whisper. It’s not a question because I already know it’s true.

  I think I see regret in his eyes but its quickly replaced by resolution and the anger that’s consuming him.

  “Slow to catch on today,” he snaps, snarling at me in a way that is so very unlike my Karl.

  He’s not my Karl right now. Maybe not ever again based on this exchange which is essentially a verbal version of a punch to the gut.

  “You don’t mean that,” I say but with less certainty than I’d like.

  I normally know what he’s thinking. I can normally feel it. But there is nothing normal about this situation. I’ve been witness to the way Karl can intimidate those around him but he’s never intimidated me before. Not until now.

  “Leave.” He repeats, his voice a menacing growl.

  “No,” I say adamantly.

  “For fuck’s sake. For once in your life, stop being so fucking stubborn and open your eyes.” This time he is shouting and it’s terrifying on a whole new level.

  He’s never shouted at me like this before and despite my best efforts, a couple of tears escape down my face.

  “You’re the last person we need around us right now. Our parents are both dead and you’re so fucked up, you can’t even bring yourself to hug your own mum. So do us all a favour and fuck off, Ellie.”

  He’s said the most hurtful thing he possibly could. He knows that I haven’t hugged my mum in years. He knows how difficult physical contact has been for me and he knows why.

  That’s not the low blow though. The low blow is hearing him call me Ellie when he’s the one that brought Elise back to me.

  Before I know what I’m doing, I’ve already slapped him across the face hard enough to leave a nasty red imprint.

  I only get a second to admire my handiwork before I’m out the door, oblivious to the fact that I’m still wearing my pyjamas.

  This is the second time in my life I find myself running away from that house. Only this time, it hurts far more.

  Because this time, I know there were things I could have changed. Things I could have down differently.

  But I didn’t. I let him reject me all over again and I let him try to destroy me.

  And he might have succeeded.

  I’m half way down the road when Ian catches up with me. He grabs my shoulder gently and eases me to a stop. He doesn’t seem to care that I’m crying and snotty but he does know that I need a hug.

  That’s Blossom’s fault; she got me started on hugs. I’ve not hugged Ian since I was a child and even then it was only an excuse to put mud down his jumper.

  It feels strange but familiar. It’s nothing like hugging Karl but it makes me feel safer regardless. I guess that’s just Ian.

  “He loves you,” he whispers as he lets me go. “He’s just upset.”

  “I’m upset too,” I sniffle. “But what he said was horrible.”

  “I know,” Ian frowns and I suspect he’s been slowly piecing together my history from odds and ends and he’s not far off understanding. “Give him time, Elise. He’s not in a good place right now.”

  “You’re hurting too,” I point out because he’s functioning pretty damned well considering.

  “They need me,” he shrugs.

  He’s thinking only of his brothers and sister. Not of his own pain or everything he’s just lost.

  “I’m so sorry, Ian,” I whisper because I feel so
helpless.

  “Not your fault, Elise,” he answers robotically. There’s no emotion in his voice or on his face. He’s literally turned off.

  “Look, Ian,” I sigh, wiping my tears away. “I love Karl but this hurts too much. You guys are my family and last time I lost him, I lost you as well. That’s not going to happen again.

  I might not be able to forgive him for this but I’ll still be here for him and all of you if you need me. I’d do anything for any of you. You know that.”

  “I know,” he nods, letting just enough emotion back into his voice for me to realise that he thinks of me as family as well.

  He studies me a second longer then smiles a half-smile and heads back towards his siblings.

  They need him more.

  If Ian can be there for them like that, despite his own misery, then it’s the least I can do to put my heartbreak aside to try and help them through this.

  Chapter 33

  The funeral is possibly the most heart-wrenchingly beautiful tribute I have ever seen. It's also soul-crushingly painful. The solid, wooden casket is definitive proof that Andrew is gone and it hurts to look at it but I force myself to because Andrew would have faced the pain head on and I will too.

  The sheer volume of people is a tribute in itself but its the solemn expressions on the faces of those around me that says more about the man Andrew was.

  To the service men, he was a loyal colleague who they were honoured to serve beside. To the friends, he was always dependable and generous. To the family, he was everything. Everything they had left and everything that made them who they are. A part of him is left in each and every one of his children to the point that I can almost feel his presence.

  Today is a day of mourning and honouring a man of great importance to so many so I keep my distance from Karl out of respect. I may not be particularly happy with him but that seems petty in the grand scale of things and I can hardly blame him for losing it a little bit right now.

  If he doesn't want me. Fine. He can pretend all he likes but I know how he feels and he's mine whether he knows it right now or not.

  Ugly, hateful words were thrown about in anger and I need time to process that but I still love him and I always will. I know that now. I think I always loved him.

  I'm going to be there for the Carters just like I said I would. I can be a friend to all of them, Karl included, because a friend is something they need right now more than a bitter ex-girlfriend.

  I watch Ian, Uncle Eric, and Granddad Peter shake hands with countless men and women, all singing praises and offering condolences. The three of them wear matching masks hiding their true pain and accept the many well-meaning words without a trace of the pain I know they're all sharing.

  Karl and matt keep their distance, choosing to drink away their sorrows at the bar. Nobody seems to want to point out that they're both underage and it's not my place anymore. Especially since he doesn't want me.

  I push that thought away because I know deep down that it isn't true in any way, shape or form. I can see that the two of them are way past the point of being sound minded and Matt looks dangerously close to losing control of the strict check he keeps on his temper.

  I'd step in but, since Karl rejected me and Matt doesn't know why, he assumes I've done something wrong and isn't talking to me. I'm not about to correct him when he has so much on his plate.

  I let them have their space throughout the day no matter how hard it is. I sat at the back in the church so that Karl wouldn’t have to see me but it’s harder to stay out of his line of sight at the pub.

  The problem is, I don’t want to leave. I feel better being able to see him, even if I can’t be close to him.

  I’m not buying his easy dismissal of me. There’s no way he could just turn off our relationship that quickly. I know he still loves me and without doubt. I can’t believe I almost fell for it.

  He loves me.

  Whether he likes it or not.

  “You want a drink, Elise?” A small voice prompts and I turn round to find Craig stood behind me, watching me watching his brother.

  “I’m okay thanks, Craig,” I muster a smile.

  He half-smiles back. It’s sweet that he’s still well-mannered and polite even at his father’s funeral.

  Andrew would be proud.

  This thought causes my smile to falter and a few more tears to threaten so I force it back.

  “Have you eaten?” I prompt because I took some food round last night and Ian reluctantly admitted he’d been having trouble getting Craig and Jake to eat. Karl remained curiously out of sight the whole time I was there.

  “I had a Wagon Wheel,” he offers a knowing half-grin and my smile is more genuine this time because if he’s going to eat anything, he might as well eat something delicious.

  “Good,” I nod. “We can’t have you wasting away.”

  His head bobs up and down in agreement.

  “Karl and Matt will always be bigger though,” he grumbles sullenly. He seems glad to be having a relatively normal conversation so I roll with it. Even though I’m not big on the idea of talking about those two.

  “Bigger isn’t always better,” I explain. “Besides, you’ll catch them up soon. You’ve got plenty of growing left to do. Don’t let those two push you around.”

  He raises a eyebrow and his expression clearly says “easier said than done.”

  “Are you worried about starting school with us next year?” I ask because I can see that it’s bothering him.

  He nods and plays with a plastic straw from the bar.

  I sigh because I know Karl and Matt will give him a hard time. I suspect Karl sees it as toughening Craig up but I’m not sure if there isn’t a part of it that’s born of jealousy.

  Craig always gets glowing feedback from his teachers and he is well ahead of most people in his year group. I think it irks Karl because he has to fight for every inch forwards in academia.

  “Don’t let them get to you,” I smile reassuringly. “And even if they do, don’t let them know. If they bully you, report them. It’s wrong and they know it.”

  He doesn’t look convinced but he nods regardless and smiles in thanks.

  I’m racking my brains to think of some way to assure him he doesn’t have to put up with Karl and Matt but Bear approaches and Craig slips away.

  “I think it’s time we left, glowbug,” he says softly.

  I nod dejectedly because he’s probably right. I’ve said my goodbyes and it’s only going to get more painful being here and watching Karl without being able to talk to him.

  I may want to go back to being friends – because friends is better than nothing – but I’m still hurt by what he said and did and I need a bit of time to work through some stuff before I can talk to him calmly.

  If he’d even want to talk to me.

  “He appreciated you being there even if he didn't say it,” Bear tells me as he guides me to the car. My mum is on my other side and nods her agreement.

  “Didn't look like it,” I shake my head despondently.

  This might be harder than I anticipated. I hadn't factored in how much it would hurt to feel his rejection over and over again. It doesn't matter though. He may be an ass but he's my ass and he's worth the pain.

  I let him down once by giving up on what we had and I'm not going to make the same mistake again. One of us has to make the right decision this time.

  “Give him time, sweets. He's grieving,” Bear frowns in sympathy. “He's got a lot going on at the moment.”

  “I know,” I sigh. “Doesn't make it okay for him to take it out on me.”

  “It doesn't,” mum agrees.

  “I'm not entirely sure that's what he's doing,” Bear says pensively but he doesn't elaborate so I figure that's all he has to say. I know Bear won't speculate any more. He'll wait until he's contemplated everything and sifted through all the information available.

  I sit quietly as we ride the bus back to the house in Nor
manton, ignoring the world around me and trying to figure out what I can do to help the Carters out. I can't take away their pain but I can still be there in whatever other way I can.

  When we get home, I make towards the stairs so I can get out of this black dress and slip into some work clothes. I plan on taking my frustration out on some wood.

  “Not so fast, glowbug,” Bear calls out.

  I stop and turn around to face him cautiously. He's using a tone of voice that tells me I won't like it very much.

  He walks into the lounge and lifts an eyebrow at me expecting me to follow. I do but only because it's Bear and I know he wouldn't be making orders if it wasn't of great importance.

  “We should have a chat,” he smiles, patting the sofa next to him.

  I scowl because I suspect it won't be a fun chat.

  “Just me and you, are you okay with that?” Bear asks cautiously. I left the lounge door open but mum is curiously absent and I appreciate that Bear still checks with me when we're alone together.

  I nod and lean back into the sofa, looking at him expectantly.

  “You're angry with Karl,” he states.

  “Understatement.”

  “You're furious with him.”

  “He dumped me,” I grimace because that's explanation enough. He said I could have him forever but he left me.

  “What's that round your neck?” Bear nods his head towards my necklace.

  He knows what it is and I clasp the delicate ring in one hand. I haven't taken the chain off since I got it.

  “He didn't ask for it back?” Bear asks when I don't answer.

  “I didn't really give him chance,” I shrug.

  He laughs. “Glowbug, if he'd wanted it back he'd have taken it back. You know that, surely?”

  I don't need to think about it, I know that to be true of Karl. I frown slightly in contemplation. Why didn't he ask for it back?

  “So, if all he did was break up with you, and you still have his promise round your neck, why are you this level of angry?”

  “He said some horrible stuff,” I admit.

  “Want to talk about it?”

  “No.” But I know I should and I can tell Bear knows to so I sigh deeply and explain. “He says I'm messed up.”