An Imperfect Circle

by R. J. Sable

  Bear chuckles. “Everybody is a little messed up, sweets. It's part of what makes us who we are. We've all been broken into pieces at some point, it's how you put the pieces back together that really matters.”

  I smile at the typical Bear words of wisdom but it's not a true smile because I still feel sick remembering what Karl said to me.

  “I think I might have put mine back together wrong,” I sigh. It definitely feels that way.

  “How so?” Bear lifts his eyebrow in question and his eyebrow ring catches the light and sparkles at me.

  “He thinks it's messed up that I don't hug mum.”

  Bear remains silent and studies me, waiting for me to continue. I was hoping I wouldn't have to elaborate but his expression tells me he's waiting for more.

  “I mean, I understand. I know he'd give anything to hug his mum and dad one last time. I know it must seem selfish to him. It's just... hugging is hard.”

  “You've hugged me a couple of times,” he answers quietly after a few seconds.

  I nod glumly because he's right. But I did that without thinking.

  “And Becky. And Karl.”

  “But that's different,” I argue.

  “How?” He probes

  I open my mouth and then shut it again because I can't explain it.

  “You love your mum, right?”

  I scowl in response because that doesn't merit an answer. He knows I do.

  “I thought so,” he nods to himself, unperturbed by my burning glare. “But you haven't hugged her since you were eleven. Have you ever thought about why?”

  Remember when I said the hardest thing was to be honest with yourself? This could very well be the best example of that.

  I've never thought about it.

  Because I never wanted to.

  Bear's following the minute changes in my expression and I'm pretty sure he's inside my head.

  “You blame your mum.”

  My first instinct is to blurt “no”.

  But I can't because I'm not entirely sure it's untrue.

  “It's okay, glowbug,” Bear says sadly. “It's okay that you need somebody to blame.”

  I glance up at him, my chest heavy with shame.

  “But that somebody isn't your mother.”

  I clench my teeth against the hatred I hold in my chest. I hate that I had to go through that. I hate that I was helpless. But I don't hate my mum.

  “I know you love your mum, Elise,” Bear whispers, taking my hand in his and squeezing reassuringly. “And she loves you too. But she also blames herself. And she can't forgive herself for bringing him into your life until you do.”

  “She was sick,” I choke, wiping my tears away on the back of my arm. “I know it wasn't really her fault. I know that.”

  “I know, I know,” he soothes. “But you were only young, Elise. What happened to you was a horrible, despicable thing but it's not a reflection of you or your mum and you both need to move past it.”

  I nod and begin to speak but break off because we both hear a sniffle from the hallway. I grimace because I’m pretty sure my mum just heard that whole conversation.

  And now I hate myself because I’ve made my mum cry.

  Bear and I exchange worried glances and both make rapid movements in the direction of the noise. I get there first and find my mum slumped in a pile on the floor. Her cheeks are soaked and her hair is matted to the face. It’s obvious she’s been listening a while and trying to conceal the sound of her tears.

  “I’m… so… sorry… Elise,” she sobs in breathless pants. It’s on the border of hysteria and it kills me to see my normally joyful mother on the edge of despair.

  I drop to my knees and grasp her hand.

  “I think I’m the one who needs to offer my apologies, maman,” I say in French because I rarely speak French and I know it means something to my mum.

  “No, darling. You have nothing to apologise for,” she manages, although her voice is still breaking.

  “I don’t truly blame you. You know that, yes?”

  She purses her lips and I know she wishes she could say “yes”.

  I throw caution to the wind and embrace my mother for the first time in years. I immediately hate myself for not doing it for so long and my tears flow freely.

  We’re both blubbering apologies and declarations of love in an incomprehensible mixture of French and English that I doubt either of us understand but the meaning behind the words is clear.

  I know that a small part of me was angry at my mum for exposing me to that evil freak. But it wasn’t really her fault and I know she would have done anything to protect me if she’d been able.

  We sit on the hall floor, still in our embrace and talk for what must be hours. Bear keeps us supplied with a steady flow of green tea and doesn’t interrupt the conversation which is six years overdue.

  “When did you grow into such a mature young woman?” Mum asks, cupping my face in her hand.

  Since I’ve let her touch me, she’s been doing it constantly and it’s nowhere near as bad as I would have thought.

  I guess since I don’t have Karl any more, I’m craving human affection.

  “I wouldn’t say mature,” I laugh. We’ve switched back to English and I’m grateful because it feels much more natural to me. I’ve never grown into French but I know how important it is to mum that I keep my heritage.

  “I watched the way you handled things today, darling. I know you’re hurting through everything that’s happening but you kept your head held high and you were there in case those boys needed you. I’m very proud of you and I love you.”

  “I love you too, mum,” I whisper back, tightening my embrace and remembering how grateful I am that my mum wasn’t cruelly taken from me.

  Chapter 34

  “It feels weird without Ian here doesn’t it?” Becky sighs, pouting across the table at me.

  She’s right. It does.

  We’re sat in the common room during the first day back at school. It’s gone so fast and so much has happened. I can hardly believe we’re in year thirteen now, our final year at school.

  “I can’t believe he’s gone already,” Rob agrees, tugging Blossom further into his body and embracing her.

  Ian went straight into the army at the first opportunity. I know it’s what he always wanted but it seemed even more important to him after everything that happened. I suspect it’s his way of honouring his father’s memory but he also wants to provide a source of income.

  Not that they need it. Obviously, they won’t be left without money. The military and Andrew’s pension will see to that but it won’t be enough to keep living the way they have and I know Ian wants to provide as best he can for his siblings.

  And now his guardians.

  Well, some of them. Obviously, Peter is the guardian for all the Carters but he and Ian spoke at length before Ian went off for his basic training. With Grandma Carter’s health deteriorating, Ian wanted to be able to step up if he needed to. He’s now legal guardian for Craig, Jake, and Jamie should it be necessary for Peter to step down.

  The others are old enough to look after themselves for the most part but Ian wanted to make sure there was absolutely zero chance of the youngest members of the family being taken away and placed in care.

  It took Ian a while to convince Peter but when Ian puts his mind to something, he rarely fails. Honestly? I think it’s extremely admirable but a massive amount of responsibility. Yes, he’s eighteen, but only just.

  I know he’s been looking after them all for ages anyway but he’s still a brother to them. Now he has to be both brother and provider.

  I don’t envy him.

  “Have you talked to him?” Becky asks Rob, keeping the conversation on track whilst I’m in my own little word.

  “Yeah,” Rob nods. “Poor git sounded exhausted.”

  “Ian? Exhausted?” I raise an eyebrow because I didn’t think that was possible.

  “Bless him,” Becky s
ighs in sympathy. “He must be mentally and physically drained with everything.”

  “He’ll get through it,” I nod confidently because I know Ian can take anything life throws at him. He’s an incredible young man, even if he can be a bit of an impossible to read robot sometimes.

  “Are you going over again tonight?” Becky asks me cautiously. She knows I’ve been going over to help cook and clean whenever I can. To be honest, they’re managing surprisingly well by just following their old routines and I’m just doing whatever I can to help.

  I’m mostly helping with the younger Carters because Peter has his hands full with his deteriorating wife. Uncle Eric’s wife, Megan, has been stopping in as much as she can but she has her own children as well and I think she appreciates whatever help she can get.

  Karl and I seem to have come to a silent agreement not to talk to each other or make eye contact. If I enter the room, he’ll either leave or pretend I’m not there.

  It hurts but it’s manageable. At least we’re not screaming at each other or being horrible. Matt talks to me every now and then but he’s clearly on Karl’s side. Of everyone in the family, I’d say he’s handling Andrew’s death the worst. I’m not sure he’s really handling it at all. It’s obvious Karl is managing him by trying to keep him occupied.

  I don’t even need to look at Matt to know how close he is to losing it and lashing out. If he didn’t have Karl, I’d bet good money on him being expelled by the end of the week.

  Some days, I can tell he hasn’t slept and Karl has to really nag him to eat because he has no appetite whatsoever most of the time.

  They disappear off for at least an hour every evening to play football and nobody minds because they all know Matt needs it.

  The twins are capable of holding down the fort for an hour or so and I’m usually there in case Peter or Megan need help. The twins have been amazing. They’re slowly going back to their normal, clown-like, misbehaving selves and it’s bringing back what the family really needs.

  Laughter and smiles.

  There’s so much hurt surrounding us that it’s easy to let it overwhelm you. The twins help keep it light and make sure we all get to smile at least once a day.

  They wreak havoc and mischief but it’s worth it because it’s nice to see them being themselves and trying to recover. It’s healthy.

  “Yeah, I promised Jamie-Lea we could cook together,” I smile genuinely, answering Becky’s question.

  “You’re an amazing person, you know that?” Becky offers a wobbly smile. She gives me an intense look. She’s my best friend, she knows I’m hurting but she also knows I’m not giving up.

  The poor girl has had to listen to me spill my heart over and over again like a broken record over the past couple of months.

  “Says you,” I scoff because she’s pretty much at the top of my list for awesome people.

  She just grins and blushes as Rob agrees with a sweet kiss on her reddening cheek.

  “None of that in public!” Danny shouts out from across the room.

  They’re in sixth form now as well so they’re lounging by the stereo with a few of their friends and pretty much all the girls except for me and Becky.

  Rob laughs and kisses Becky’s cheek again just to prove a point about how little he cares what Danny thinks.

  “Seriously?” Danny fakes disgust. “It’s practically pornographic.” He comes over and helps himself to some of Rob’s cheese and onion crisps before sinking down in the seat next to me.

  “Ask first,” I warn him, pinching his arm lightly.

  He feigns hurt but winks at me as he pops the last stolen crisp in his mouth.

  “Where’s Rick?” I ask, giving up on teaching him any restraint where food is concerned. His twin disappeared from the common room right before he came over.

  “Why would I know?” He shrugs.

  “Because you two are attached at the hip,” I scoff.

  “That’s offensive to twins!” He pouts comically. “We’re identical not conjoined.”

  “Are you sure?” I retort dryly. I know he’s not offended because he’s eyeing the Wagon Wheels in my bag hungrily. He’s too focussed on food to be taking offense.

  I’m about to flat out deny him access to my wheels when Rick returns, making a beeline for Danny and leaning over to speak to him in low whispers.

  “What are you two up to?” I narrow my eyes at them and their decidedly shifty behaviour.

  “What’s it to you?” Danny grins.

  “Are you doing something you shouldn’t be again?” I accuse.

  “We can neither confirm nor deny,” Danny chuckles, standing up so he can follow Rick back out of the room.

  “Guys,” I growl in warning.

  “What are you gonna do, Elise?” Danny mocks. “Tell Karl?”

  “I might,” I scowl.

  “Right,” Danny shakes his head in amusement and walks away. He knows I won’t be telling Karl anything.

  “Think you two will start talking again soon?” Becky pouts, squeezing my hand affectionately.

  I shake my head and sigh.

  His hurtful words may have been a stab to the gut but I obviously needed to hear them. I hadn't realised how much mum and me needed to have that conversation. It was like my being broken had also broken our relationship and now it's well on its way to being fixed.

  I sometimes forget that my mum was suffering that whole time as well, in a very different way, and I definitely needed to forgive her. It wasn't her fault.

  I appreciate that Karl said what I needed to hear and I have to wonder how long he'd wanted to say it. I guess he was holding back until he thought I'd healed properly before talking to me.

  Karl usually just says what he thinks and part of me wants to hit him for not doing it with me. The other half wants to kiss him for trying to be different, just with me. I know he held back to save my feelings.

  “He sort of almost smiled at me yesterday,” I shrug.

  “How does somebody sort of almost smile?” Rob mocks with a grin.

  “Well, I thought he was smiling at me but I realised he was smiling at Jamie. I was holding her so I'm counting it.”

  “Fair enough,” Rob grins

  “I'm sorry, Elise,” Becky shakes her head despairingly. She looks genuinely distraught for me and it's sweet that she cares so much.

  “Not your fault, Blossom,” I smile because she really is a good friend. “I'm sure we'll be okay again one day.”

  The universe is obviously against me right now because I see Stacey and Annie approaching before I have chance to contemplate how long it will take to become friends with the love of my life once more.

  Shelly was in Ian's year and, with her no longer here, it'll be interesting to see who claims her old throne.

  “Where's Karl?” Stacey demands with no preamble. Her eyes are on me but I just ignore her because I'm not sure I'd be able to answer with anything that wouldn't get me suspended.

  Rob just shrugs and Becky shifts awkwardly in his embrace. I know she doesn’t like being around the popular, self-absorbed skanks. She’s so kind and polite that she doesn’t know what to do or say when people are rude to her.

  She gets more upset because she doesn’t understand it than because of the mean words themselves.

  “I asked you a question, Ellie,” Stacey snaps.

  “I heard,” I grind out.

  “Well, where is he?”

  I grit my teeth, doing my best to maintain my neutral expression. I don’t want to think about where Karl is because all I know is he’s not with me.

  “You don’t know?” She looks mildly surprised before a snide smirk breaks out on her face. “You usually follow him around like a lost puppy.”

  “Fuck off, Stacey,” Rob groans. He’s typically pretty shy and quiet but I know that he loves Becky Blossom without limits and he’s obviously aware that Stacey and Annie make her uncomfortable.

  He’d do anything to keep Becky happy. B
ecause that’s what good boyfriends do.

  “Jesus, Rob. What’s gotten into you?” Annie sneers, her lips curling upwards unpleasantly.

  “I’m just not in the mood for your crap. If you’re here to cause trouble, leave.”

  It’s nice to see Rob stepping up to the plate. He’s always been pretty chill, happy to let Ian run the show and support him if necessary but he’s obviously sure enough of himself and his affection for Becky that he knows how to run the show.

  “There’s no need to be like that, Rob,” Stacey pouts. She knows that, without Karl and Matt in the room, Rob is the head of their social group.

  Rob just grunts and focuses his attention on Becky Blossom who’s blushing in his arms. Probably because of his obvious protective display.

  I’m waiting to see how Annie and Stacey will react but I don’t get chance because Karl and Matt burst into the room, their cocky swagger demanding the full attention of everyone in the common room. The twins trail after with their usual matching grins. They’ve obviously completed whatever miscreant behaviour they were hiding from me.

  The fact that they’re smiling and seemingly happy almost makes me miss the fact that Karl’s smile disappears when he sees me, even if it’s only briefly.

  “Where’s the music?” Matt bellows, making a beeline for the stereo.

  Annie and Stacey immediately head back over there, along with pretty much every year twelve and thirteen who has any chance of being drawn into the “popular group”.

  Pathetic.

  I don’t want to be over there.

  Even if Karl’s there.

  “You want to go work in the library for a bit?” Becky asks. “It’s quite noisy in here.”

  I appreciate her forethought but I’m not a coward and I’m never going to run away from Karl again so I shake my head and dig out another Wagon Wheel.

  I’m doing pretty well until I hear Karl laughing and it hurts. It really hurts.

  Because I’m not the one making him laugh and I’m not laughing with him. He’s the other half of me and it feels wrong to be so disconnected.

  Despite my best attempts, I look over to meet his gaze.