An Imperfect Circle

by R. J. Sable

  “We fought,” he continues. “The worst fight we’ve ever had. We almost killed each other.”

  I frown. I hate the idea of that.

  “He basically called me an idiot.”

  I know he despises that.

  “He may have been right.”

  “What?” I recoil and tramp down my smirk because Karl hates it when Ian is right and he hates admitting it more.

  “I was comparing the two of us,” he shrugs. “But Ian pointed out I’m the only one who ever made it a competition. We’re similar but we’re still different.”

  “Sounds like I’ve heard this before,” I say before I can stop myself. “Where have I heard it? Oh, that’s right. I told you.”

  “I know, I know,” he chuckles.

  I love that he’s opening up to me once more and we’re able to relax with each other whilst talking about something personal.

  “I should have listened,” he smiles genuinely and that tightening feeling in my stomach that’s been absent for so long makes a fluttery reappearance.

  “You should always listen to me,” I grin with a decisive nod.

  “Maybe,” he smirks and his expression is sceptical but there’s a flicker of something else.

  “What?” I question because I want to know what that something else is.

  He grimaces like he was hoping I wouldn’t notice.

  “Just something Matt said,” he shrugs and it would have looked casual if this wasn’t the man I’d spilt my soul to. The man who I know as well as I know myself.

  “About me?” I venture a guess. I can see in his expression that it’s about me because it’s the same way he looked at me when he broke my heart.

  “Maybe,” his eyebrows furrow.

  “Is he pissed at you for coming with me?” My heart sinks as I realise that Matt looked irritated once Karl got up.

  “He hasn’t said anything to you?” Karl looks at me suspiciously.

  “No,” I sigh. “He’s been a bit off with me since…” I trail off and shrug. He knows what I mean.

  It’s not that he’s been rude or horrible, just abrupt. He only answers with one word where he can and he never smiles and relaxes with me anymore. I’m not sure what triggered it. Shortly after Karl and I agreed to be friends again, he just seemed to get grumpier.

  Maybe he’s mad at me for taking Karl away from him again. It never occurred to me before but when Karl broke up with me, Matt got his best friend back.

  Their relationship is fairly unique. They are best friends and brothers but I know that Karl is Matt’s support system, his guardian, protector, and the person he can turn to with anything.

  For Karl, Matt is the person that has and always will choose him over any of his brothers. It might sound twisted but being one of seven siblings, with a practically perfect older brother, Matt’s friendship makes him feel that he has something they don’t.

  I never stopped to consider how lenient Matt had been in accepting me into their friendship. I basically stole Karl from him.

  “Does he hate me?” I gasp as I let all those thought sink in.

  “What? No of course he doesn’t,” Karl almost laughs. He’s obviously shocked and that’s a little reassuring. “Trust me, if he hated you, you’d know about it.”

  “I guess,” I frown, not really convinced.

  “He’s pissed at me, not you,” Karl insists.

  When I maintain my disbelieving expression Karl sighs and appears to be mulling something over.

  “He called me out because he thinks I’m a dick for fucking everything up,” Karl groans, resting his face in his hands again.

  I blink a few times and stare at him because this doesn’t make sense. “Messing things up?”

  “With you,” he admits begrudgingly, leaning back and locking his hands behind his head.

  I’m pretty sure he’s trying to distract me by flashing that strip of kissable stomach.

  I’d quite like to kiss it again.

  But I’m not getting distracted because this is too important.

  “Why is Matt mad about that?” I frown. This doesn’t make sense.

  Karl shrugs awkwardly.

  “But…” I start piecing it together. We broke up months ago. Besides, we’re friends again now and have been for weeks. “We made friends again.”

  “That’s not why I’m pissed at you and you fucking know it,” Matt’s angry snarl draws my attention.

  “Eavesdropping?” Karl drawls back, seemingly unaffected. I guess he’s used to Matt’s temper but I’m not quite so immune to it and my skin goosebumps in response to the shroud of fury radiating in the air around him.

  “It’s a fucking library, dickwad. It’s impossible not to hear what you’re saying,” Matt snaps back.

  “Whatever,” Karl shrugs, kicking out the chair next to him so that Matt can sit down.

  He looks at the chair like it’s made of daggers but begrudgingly sits down.

  “Want me to leave you two to your lover’s quarrel?” I smirk because if Karl’s not worried, I figure I shouldn’t be either and I want this tension gone.

  Now.

  “Fuck you,” Matt retorts but I can see the slight smile he’s trying to hide so I’m not too worried.

  “Don’t swear at her, asshole,” Karl growls, kicking the leg of Matt’s chair and causing him to jolt slightly.

  I expect Matt to lash out but he doesn’t, if anything it seems to take the edge of a little because I see his body relax a little.

  “Why the fuck not?” Matt retorts, shoving Karl’s elbow so his arm slips off the table and he almost face plants onto the disk.

  “Because she doesn’t like it,” Karl barks, recovering quickly.

  “She can speak for herself, thank you very much,” I quip with a healthy dose of sarcasm.

  “Jesus, I can’t do anything right,” he sighs. “You to ladies talk. I need to piss.”

  “Charming,” I call out to his retreating back, earning myself a loud shush from the librarian.

  He turns and walks backwards whilst winking at me like the cocky muppet that he is.

  I shake my head and turn back to Matt.

  “Dickhead,” Matt grumbles.

  “You love him really,” I goad.

  “Says you,” Matt scoffs.

  “I never said I didn’t,” I shrug.

  “He loves you too,” Matt says, lowering his voice slightly. Possibly because the librarian is still glaring at us but most likely because he doesn’t want to be overheard.

  “I know,” I nod.

  He frowns in confusion. Like he can’t process the information. “Then why don’t you call him on it?”

  “Because he ended it. I knew he loved me when he did. I’m sure he had his reasons,” I sigh because I’ve only really talked about it with Becky, Bear, and Mum. Matt’s a friend but with things being weird between us recently, we don’t ever talk about deep stuff.

  “Fucked up reasons,” Matt scowls again and it’s like he’s ready to burst at the seams or spontaneously combust.

  “Are you going to tell me why you’re so angry at him or do you both need a good cry?” I ask semi-sarcastically because I generally do want to know but I can’t help mocking them a bit.

  “Shut up,” he smirks. “Men don’t cry.”

  “Don’t be daft,” I reprimand him. “Everybody needs to cry some time. Tears are healing.”

  He gives me the condescending look I see on his face whenever Bear says something wise and I give up, considering him a lost cause.

  “So why are you mad at Karl?” I prompt again because he’s expert at dodging questions.

  He narrows his eyes at me slightly and I feel like he’s silently testing me. He’s silent for so long that I’m not sure if he’s going to speak. Leaning forwards over the table slightly he glares at me as if I’ve done something wrong.

  “Wanker chose me over you,” he grunts.

  It’s a good thing I’m sitting down because I wou
ld have fallen over if I wasn’t. What on earth is he on about?

  “When… when Andrew died,” he continues, the pain in his voice still fresh. “He chose me over you.”

  “I don’t understand,” I manage because my brain seems to have stopped.

  “Me neither,” he laughs bitterly.

  I wait impatiently for him to answer because that’s not enough of an answer.

  “You’re making me sound like a dick,” Karl’s deep voice vibrates through me as he slumps into his chair once more.

  “You are a dick,” Matt snaps back. “And an eavesdropper.”

  Karl just laughs and then looks at me. And stops laughing. He looks worried.

  He should be worried because I really don’t understand and I’m starting to feel a little hurt and offended. More than a little.

  “It wasn’t like that,” he assures me with a gentle voice.

  “It fucking well was and you know it. Man up and admit it, asshole,” Matt half-yells.

  The librarian starts walking over and Karl quickly twists in his chair and rounds in on Matt. “You’re pushing you’re luck. Sort yourself out.” His voice is a low grumble of warning. The hum of thunder that lets you know lightning is coming.

  Matt grits his teeth just as the librarian comes over and prepares to give him an earful. “Save it,” he snaps. “I’m gone.” With that he storms off, leaving a disgruntled librarian to glare at us instead.

  “Sorry,” Karl shrugs in a fairly unapologetic fashion. The librarian huffs and leaves.

  We’re the only ones in the library. I don’t know what her problem is.

  We’re quiet until she’s back at her desks and then our eyes meet. I know he can see the hurt expression on my face and I know he hates that it’s there because of him. I know he still cares, no matter what happened or why.

  “Elise, it’s complicated,” he sighs, wincing apologetically.

  “Help me understand,” I plead because I don’t get it. I don’t get why he dumped me and I don’t get how he chose Matt over me.

  “Can we talk about this later, at home?” He hedges.

  “Now,” I snap because I’m starting to get really irritated.

  He lets out a slow breath and kneads his eyes with his knuckles. Never a good sign.

  “You’ve got to understand, Matt’s history… it’s pure bull shit. It’s not my story to tell but it’s messed up.”

  “I gathered,” I interject because I’m not an idiot.

  “In many ways, dad was the only parent figure Matt had left who loved him,” Karl continues as if I never spoke.

  “But he was your only parent as well,” I whisper because Karl’s making it sound like it was worse for Matt than it was for himself.

  “True,” he swallows, a slight furrow forming between his brows.

  That simple groove speaks volumes to me. I know he’s hiding his pain behind it.

  “But dad loved me and the others because we were his family. He chose to love Matt and if you knew Matt as well as I do, you’d know how much that meant to him.”

  “Okay,” I nod in understanding because that made sense but I still need more explanation.

  “I don’t know how to explain this without sounding like the world’s biggest asshole,” he sighs.

  “Maybe you can’t,” I grimace because I’m starting to think it would be impossible.

  “I would have lost myself in you,” he whispers, looking straight at me. His gaze is imploring me to understand and I stare straight back because I know there’s something I’m missing here.

  Something blindingly obvious.

  “You chose him over me,” I gasp because it suddenly makes sense.

  He wanted to be there for his best friend, not lose himself in his grief. If we’d have stayed together, he would have turned to me to feel better and I would have done anything and everything to help.

  That’s exactly what I did, albeit with in the confines of our break-up.

  If Karl had turned to me, he was worried he’d have neglected Matt in favour of his own grief and he couldn’t do that because Matt is so important to him.

  “I would have been a shit boyfriend anyway,” he continues when he sees the realisation sink in. He knows me well enough to understand that I’ve just figured it out.

  “Never,” I shake my head because I know that’s not true.

  “You didn’t need to be dealing with my shit,” he shakes his head adamantly.

  “Karl, I love you but you’re an idiot sometimes,” I snap, knowing full well he hates being called an idiot. But he earned it this time. “I want to be there for you and lessen your burden. As a friend, as a girlfriend, as somebody who cares about you.”

  “You’ve had enough crap to deal with in your life,” he growls defensively.

  “And it made me stronger. Strong enough to deal with yours as well,” I retort. I’m beyond angry at him but I keep my cool because at least I’m finally understanding why he did what he did.

  “I did what I thought was right,” he grits eventually.

  “You were wrong,” I respond quickly.

  “Matt needed me.”

  “Did you ever think to ask him about that?”

  He chuckles bitterly and it surprises me. “That’s exactly what he said.”

  “Smart guy,” I answer dryly.

  “He hates me for it.”

  “I kind of do too.”

  Although to be honest, I think it was pretty chuffing amazing as well. Even in the midst of his pain, he thought about somebody else’s suffering and did what he thought would ease it. Make it better.

  “He thinks I did it out of pity,” he sobers and I can see how much it’s truly upsetting him. His barriers drop for a second and I understand how terrified he is of losing his best friend.

  “Matt hates pity,” I say because he does. It didn’t take long to figure out. It’s why nobody knows his story. It’s why he’s so aggressive. He doesn’t want to give anybody reason to feel sorry for him.

  “I fucked up with both you and him,” Karl grumbles.

  “You did,” I agree but I’m smiling slightly because, despite the pain that he’s caused, his heart was in the right place and it reminds me why I love him.

  “You know what though?” I prompt when I see how dejected he looks.

  “What?”

  I lean forwards so my lips are close to his ear and whisper “I forgive you” before placing a gentle kiss to his cheek.

  I dart out of the room before he can reply because I need to find Matt.

  And give him a reality check and maybe a kick up the behind. I can’t be angry at him because he was essentially mad at Karl for dumping me but I don’t want the two of them to fall out.

  They need to make up and I’m going to make that happen. Even if I have to purple-nurple them both until my fingers hurt.

  Chapter 37

  I go straight to the Carters’ after school that night because I don’t need an invite. I pretty much live there and mum would be surprised if I actually turned up at their house.

  Most nights I sleep at the Carters’ anyway. Karl always offers his bed but I can’t do it. I can’t sleep in his room, with his scent around me, when we’re not what we once were. It’s too much. I normally sleep in Andrew’s old room because it’s the only room with a lock. It’s not that I don’t feel safe at the Carter household. It’s more of a habit

  The lady from the military foundation cooked dinner for everyone tonight which is always nice but it’s always better once she’s gone. The foundation does amazing work but it’s like having a maid and I don’t think the guys are all that comfortable with it. They’ve been brought up to take care of themselves.

  The younger Carters are all safely wrapped up in bed and the twins are working out in the gym we’ve started putting together in what used to be a storage room.

  Karl, Matt and I are relaxing in the den but the atmosphere is still tense. Both because Matt and Karl haven’t reall
y resolved their fight and because I’m mad at what I found out at dinner.

  “You need to apologise to him,” I blurt because I’ve been biting my tongue long enough.

  “To Matt?” Karl smirks.

  “Yes but that’s not what I meant and you know it,” I frown because he’s being intentionally obtuse.

  “What did you mean then?” Matt interjects. He knows as well because he’s just as guilty.

  “Both of you owe Craig an apology,” I scowl.

  The stupid dung beetles locked him in his locker at school today. I only found out because the twins were winding him up about it. Craig is only twelve and there are two of them. No matter how you dress it up, it’s bullying.

  “We were just messing,” Karl laughs it off.

  “Craig didn’t look like he found it very entertaining,” I point out with frustration.

  “He was just bitter because he didn’t look like the golden boy for once,” Matt shrugs.

  “You two are morons,” I snap because Craig is a good kid. He works hard and never puts a foot out of place. He’s brilliant with his sister and always respectful to me. I can’t fault him.

  “Enough, Elise,” Karl sighs. “He’s a smug little shit and he had it coming.”

  I open my mouth to argue but Karl puts his hand over my mouth gently but firmly. I think he surprises us both because he looks as distracted as I do by the surge of tingles that immediately buzz between us.

  “I said enough,” he smirks, pulling his hand away slowly but not before his thumb drags across my lower lip. His eyes follow the movement and knowing his eyes are focussed on my lips has my stomach clenching and my knees pressing together.

  I desperately wish it was his lips against mine and not his hand.

  “I’ll talk to Craig in the morning,” he reassures me.

  Matt makes a strange coughing noise and I’m pretty sure I hear him making a lame attempt to cover up the word “pussy” but Karl just flips him off.

  “You better do,” I warn but I’m glad he’s willing to do so. I know it’s not the first time they’ve messed with Craig because I called them out on it a few times when we weren’t friends but they need to know it can’t continue.