I noticed how his two front teeth were slightly longer than the rest as he spoke with a sly smile.
“I’ve been waiting for you to remember us, Julie, but unfortunately…you’re slow.” He pushed a bundle of my hair behind my ear as he came even closer. He looked into my eyes with a fox-like smile. He was about to kiss me.
But I wasn’t Julie and I didn’t even know how Julie kissed, if I remembered kissing at all. I panicked in a frozen moment calculating the chances of escaping that kiss and barely succeeding to resist.
“Luna!” I alerted the dog. “Danger!”
Luna stood up confused a little but started barking loudly at Eric. Her barking was so loud that he burst into laughter.
“What is this conspiracy?” Eric said.
“Good dog!” I cheered.
Luna suddenly dropped her ears and started licking Eric’s hands.
“Remember who used to feed you?” He laughed. “Who showered you and walked you?”
He was unbelievably pretty as he caressed the dog and talked to her as if talking to a baby. I liked to look at him, not believing that a handsome guy like him would actually be in love with me. He wasn’t in love with me of course; he was in love with the true Julie. I wasn’t sure if I still attracted him with a different character. I knew that if anyone was going to recognize the major differences in me, it had to be Eric.
Horribly, more of Julie’s memories came back to me. It freaked me out to even think that we two perpetually shared the same body. Some memories involved when Eric brought Luna to Julie, some others were about Chester and Donna.
“Eric, I must rest a little.” I stood up.
“All right, look, umm…in two days there is an arrangement for a kind of ceremony. It’s like a thank you for the girl that donated organs to everyone. Cassandra, I mean. Her best friend and family have arranged that.”
“What do you mean?” I was stunned. “Here in Denver?”
“Well, yeah. Since most of the donations were local.”
“Oh God.” I sat on the sofa. “Her family will be here?”
Eric kneeled near me. “You don’t look good today. And I don’t want anything to affect you.” He shook his head. “You don’t have to go.”
I gazed into his beautiful big eyes that ran across my face as if he were reading the lines of his favorite book. “But I want to.”
“All right, but I don’t want you to feel bad. You should feel grateful rather than guilty.” He placed his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it to comfort me.
“So only my presence is required?”
“Well, every recipient is preparing a little thank-you speech, but you don’t have to.”
I was a murderer and I had to stand in front of a bunch of people thanking me for it. The feeling of shame spread all over my body. I wiped my tears quickly and blamed it on the headache. The thought that killed me most was that I was requested to prepare a thank-you note for myself—I, who took over a beautiful girl’s life, was asked to thank myself for her death and my occupation of her love life, family, and wealth. Was Julie even aware of my presence inside her mind? Would she try to kill my existence by replacing my consciousness with her memories, those that she was revealing to me? Maybe bit by bit she was bringing along her existence and making mine disappear as I forgot who I was. My selfish instincts would tell me to go see my family and be profoundly reminded of my reality in order to maintain my survival, but the more decent part of me asked me to play along and give Julie her right back in existence even if it actually meant forgetting who I truly was.
Apparently when a river floods, it floods through all its branches; I had finally confronted my fear to actually meet my father’s devastation and sadness. All of this river’s branches seemed to hold suffering; there didn’t exist a place to hide. I sat for a moment wondering if I should or should not go, realizing finally that not knowing how Dad was doing was even harder than finding him broken and sad.
“I will prepare a speech.” I excused myself and headed for my bedroom. Passing by the kitchen toward the stairs, I caught the smell of garlic on the stove and it was actually pleasing to me. My body was reacting to things strangely; it felt like it wasn’t me. I hurried to my room, freaking out; I reached my bed and sank under the cover quickly.
“Enough! Enough!” I begged.
Chapter 10
memorial
most patients who suffer from extreme hypothermia die,” Dr. James said over the microphone as I turned my back to him looking for the restroom. I was afraid to find Dad among the crowd, glad though that there wasn’t any crying yet.
“Even when we restarted her heart, unfortunately, having many fractures in her spinal cord and neck, the survival rate for such incidents would be very low…”
I rushed to the ladies’ room hoping to skip the part where he described the moments of my death. I found a chair to sit in as I began deviating from my original thoughts randomly to anything that would take me away from these unreasonable circumstances I’d forced myself into. Imagination didn’t serve me well anymore after I occupied Julie’s brain life. It became harder to imagine and easier to live with the surroundings. Suddenly the memory of a dream I had a few weeks ago seemed sweet as I unfurled it. I was flying around the marvels of Mother Nature with my arms opened wide just like a bird. The greenery underneath me was spongy upon landing; the sky was a wonderful clear blue. I sustained these pleasant thoughts and encouraged myself while whispering “I can do it, I can do it….” Finally I stopped shaking in anxiety.
“Amy came into the restroom. “Julie! “Why are you sitting here?”
“I’m not a fan of death stories,” I admitted.
“Well, there is some luck! The ugly doctor said just a few words,” she joked.
I forced a smile.
“Look at you. You are so beautiful, and I should have some credit for that!” She pointed to the fact that she picked my clothes every morning and did my makeup. She was indeed very talented at making me look beautifully simple and natural.
“Thank you, Amy.” I smiled again.
“What are you so preoccupied with?” She kneeled before me.
I wanted so much to tell someone about these planets of my life that had diverted their routes and bumped into one another disastrously. Although my calculations were probably right that Amy should know, she was not a relative; however she must have known Julie well and could help me pretend better at being her. Telling someone about who I was might prevent the real Julie from taking away my right in surviving.
I swallowed my desperate need to spit out the truth. “I’m all right.”
By the time we came back to the ceremony, Dad stood at the microphone solemnly. I turned my back to him, listening to his voice. Tears streamed down my face.
“Hello, I’m Lucas; I guess you all know me by now.” He tapped twice on the microphone to make sure it was working. “Since the inception of this event as the doctor started speaking, I felt again what it was like when I first heard that Cassy passed away. I had no idea Cassandra was a donor. I didn’t even know she had this compassion until unfortunately after she died. I always thought of Cassandra as an angry person, a sad child that wanted to be left alone. I couldn’t blame her for the same sadness I had in my heart as we lost many members of the family in a short time. My wife and sister died in a car accident on a Saturday just before Christmas. My mother died a year later, probably because of sadness. Finally Cassandra’s cousin passed away the year after in a restaurant fire. It is the greatest heartbreak though to lose a child…” His voice trembled as he grew silent for a moment.
The audience was murmuring in a low voice now, probably discussing that they didn’t know all this about us. Dad regained his force, or forced himself to continue.
“Only after her death did Clara, sitting right there, Cassandra’s best friend”— he pointed at her and I turned around, following his hand toward Clara—”come to me with notes that Cassandra had written in w
hich she wished for or, if I may say, looked for her own death. Where was I when thoughts as such ran through my child’s head? I blamed myself so terribly that for a few days I couldn’t even sleep, until…a Mr. Movack called me crying over the phone from Denver, thanking me where he should have been thanking Cassandra, for the heart that his son received. One recipient at a time started calling me, their parents and loved ones, until this sadness turned into pride.” He wiped his face with the sleeves of his shirt. “Thank you.”
For some reason I thought it was going to go way worse with Dad. I stood silently as Eric walked toward me from across the room. I wiped my tears quickly, avoiding the look in his eyes.
“Donna was wondering where you’d gone.” He looked at Amy as though to put the blame on her.
“Should we ask permission for the ladies’ room?” Amy commented.
“That’s not necessary.” Eric smiled. He was dressed very neatly, dark blue jeans with a brown belt. A white shirt and brown leather jacket, with brown and white shoes. I think it was the best thing I’d ever seen on him. As I looked at him from head to toe he smiled slyly, probably reading my thoughts.
“Are you prepared?” he asked in a low voice.
I nodded silently.
“Here, that’s for you.” He handed me a yellow tag. “It’s what every recipient is attaching. It’s just your name.”
I took it and attached it to my shirt; I then reached for his warm palm, my hand freezing inside his as I held it strongly. “Just stay with me.”
“I’m right here, never left and not planning to.” He warmed my hand with his.
As one recipient at a time spoke shortly about the organs they had received and how it was life-changing to them, I started feeling sick as I thought that I was everywhere in this room, in pieces. Now it was easier to spot the recipients, and I became nervous as I thought of them making their lives with my miserable organs. I even doubted that my organs were good enough and could work properly for their survival. A voice in my head suddenly shouted at me to open my eyes and see properly, until I did. The recipients were happy people, smiling gratefully. There were no zombies, and everyone was acting just normal.
“Let’s join Donna and Chester,” Amy proposed.
“I’ll stay here with Juliette,” Eric replied. “It might be her turn soon.”
“All right.” Amy headed toward Donna and Chester, who were sitting on the front row of the audience.
“Would you like something to drink?” he asked.
I hadn’t noticed how dehydrated I was until he asked. I nodded gratefully. “Please.”
“I’ll be right back.” He walked away without asking me what I really wanted.
I watched him go toward the juice counter wondering what he was going to bring me. He made two choices, both that I loved very much—tomato juice with salt and fresh carrot juice. I tried to sneak a quick look to understand what he was waiting for.
“Hello,” a young voice said.
I turned around and recognized the young boy that was always accompanied by his dog. The same one that always had sunglasses on. He was wearing a yellow tag too; I ran my eyes over it and read the name Simon.
“I received her eyes.” He smiled. “What did you receive?”
I glanced at his eyes in sudden astonishment. I don’t know what was scarier, that I was looking into my own eyes or that my eyes were looking at me without recognizing me. I froze in a dead moment of terror until Eric was finally beside me, where I was able to feel the touch of our shoulders together.
“B…b…brain tissue, I mean partial brain,” I said.
“Cool,” the young boy said. “I don’t know what that looks like, but I’ll look for a picture on the Internet.”
“Hi,” Eric said as he turned toward me. “Here are your two favorites. Pick one.”
Devastated and shocked, I tried to lift the pieces of me that started falling. I turned toward Eric and threw myself into his arms. Burying my face in his chest, I started murmuring, “Please…please.”
“What’s wrong, Juliette.” He tried to fold his arms around me while holding the two glasses.
“Just hold me please,” I kept saying.
He handed the glasses to the boy and folded his arms around me.
“Is she okay?” Simon asked.
“I’m fine,” I responded.
“The emotional effect of all that’s going on,” Eric said while rubbing my shoulders as I hugged him.
“It’s not easy,” the boy agreed.
“Ah, you have a dog,” Eric said.
“Yes, he was my lead when I was blind.”
I hadn’t noticed the dog until Eric commented.
“I’m Eric by the way. I guess you are Simon.” He pointed to the nametag.
“Yes.” Simon smiled. “Nice meeting you.”
I tried to avoid looking into his eyes afterwards because the shock of looking into Simon’s eyes was unbearable.
I turned toward the drinks, a little surprised that Julie had the same taste for juices that I did. Or was it that now I liked everything Julie used to like? I drank that tomato juice in one shot. Eric got me another one and I drank it as quickly too until I was surfeited with tomato juice. Soon it was my turn to say the little speech I had prepared. I went onto the stage terribly afraid, not only because I had a phobia of speaking in public (it was a huge audience), but also because I was frightened by my presence in pieces in each recipient all around the room, whereas my existence was in a separate mind working all by itself in a different body. I was sad too for Dad and Clara. I kept my face turned downwards toward my feet; it made me think less of everything around me.
“Hi, my name is Juliette.” I raised a look toward the audience. “Wow, more people that I don’t know.”
Some of the audience laughed.
“By the way, for those that don’t know me, I’ve lost my memory. Cassandra gave me some brain tissue; in fact a part of her brain was implanted into mine. Probably it’s the part that replaced my memory.” I searched for Dad in the crowd until I found him. Fixing my eyes on him made it easier for me to speak.
The audience grew silent, waiting for me to continue.
“When I woke up from this two-year coma, I couldn’t remember anything. If you had told me that I am Cassandra, I definitely would have believed it.”
Most of the crowd was laughing by now. Dad was too. Unintentionally I was making everyone laugh. I sort of liked how I brought happy faces at the end of the ceremony.
“Sometimes I react to things as though it wasn’t me. I happen to like things and hate them at the same time; it’s like I’m having…different minds!” I raised my hands as I said the last two words. I looked at Dad; his facial expression was priceless. “So, Lucas, what I’m trying to say here is that if I were Cassandra today, I’d be telling you to be happy. Be happy because where she is right now, at least… she is no longer on her own.”
The crowd started applauding.
“Finally, I’m sorry I can’t tell you how my life has changed because I don’t remember how it used to be, but at least I’m alive.”
I took a look around at the crowd just before saying thank you and leaving the stage, and suddenly I landed on Clara. She was crying. Her boyfriend was next to her and so was…so was Robert! Shocked is a little word for what I felt as I laid my eyes on him. I think I stopped breathing for a while. The strangest thing yet was that Robert was even more surprised to see me than I was to see him. His expression looked as though he recognized me, and his mouth was open as if he had seen a ghost. Was it too obvious what I said? Would it have been so easy for a smart guy like Robert to guess my miscalculations in that speech and realize who I truly am?
I suddenly imagined myself being taken away by the doctors to this laboratory where they would test me like Dr. James’s mice. Even better, I imagined myself being buried under a nameless grave! No one would know who they were really burying; the case would take years before they decided. A
s I stood haunted by Robert’s facial expression, whereas it usually brought peace to me, Eric stepped in to save me from fainting.
“Julie.” He slid his hand around my waist as I inhaled. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” I managed to say.
He walked me down the stage, carefully holding me like his newlywed bride.
“You don’t look well.” He pushed a strand of my hair behind my right ear and kissed my forehead.
Suddenly I felt so cold and scared at once. His kiss on my forehead was the last thing I remembered before passing out.
Chapter 11
tree of life
the recipient is revived with someone else’s memories,” a voice said inside my mind.
“It is not possible; there is only one person alive!” another voice screamed.
“Then who is it?” the first voice shouted.
“What does that mean?” I asked, intruding on the voices. “Who are you?”
“Should not be awakened by our voices,” the softer voice said.
I waited a little before their talking stopped. I wondered who they were. So did that mean I now had two guardian angels? I’d heard their voices in my head before as I slept. I thought maybe they met at night and started fighting so that when I woke up suddenly from non-sleep, their voices were still there, sometimes gone. Or was it just me and this girl who was still living in me, or I the intruder living in her? Perhaps our minds were angry enough by the end of the day that they started fighting over space and right for existence.
I woke up to the comforting sound of Eric kissing my fingertips.
“Don’t do this again to me, Julie.” His green eyes were contemplating me softly.
“Eric.” I tried to sit up.
“The doctor is having tea with Donna and Amy downstairs. He said you’re exhausting yourself.”
“Do you believe him?” I asked with a sleepy smile.
He remained silent and vigilant.
Different Minds Page 13