Different Minds

by Joyce E. Rayess

  She tried to hide her smile.

  “Rule number one, you must sit straight. And I don’t mean only your back; your shoulders should be pushed back as if you’re showing off your breasts.” She frowned to give me the impression that she was serious.

  “Yeah, I know that.” I tried to look as concentrated as possible to keep her interested in tutoring me everything I needed to know. She seemed to react positively.

  “No shuffling while you walk, not when you’re talking or when you have forgotten who you are. When you talk to someone, try to keep eye contact no matter how annoying that might be. Remember that Julie is confident and doesn’t care what people think about her.”

  “Does she have friends?” I interrupted.

  “Doesn’t matter because you have lost your memory, and I don’t know.” She sighed. “I’d recommend that you start believing you are her now. It’s confusing me, and I hate when you talk about her like she isn’t you. It makes me feel like I’m talking to a haunted person—freaks the hell out of me.”

  “I can do that.” I forced a smile. “I have a problem though; I only know how to draw in black and white. Eric and I are in the same class.”

  “I don’t see the problem.” She lifted her feet up on her seat.

  “When I was still Cassandra…I was in the same class with him. I used to draw only in black and white, and it will be too much of a coincidence if Julie does the same.”

  “So use colors.”

  “You’re kidding me. You think I know how to do that?”

  “So you suck at it?”

  “Yeah,” I said while nodding.

  “Very good, so you are a bad painter, Julie. It’s why you are in an art class. Ask the teacher for help.”

  “What if Julie used to be a great painter?”

  “Well, you lost your memory! So there are a lot of things you don’t remember.” She smiled as if she had given the perfect solution to my worries.

  It wasn’t a perfect solution, but I agreed that it was the best solution when we didn’t know any alternative.

  “Look, any situation that might seem too hard to deal with, just act like you’re confused. You’re not sure and can’t tell what exactly you want. People that have loss of memory act this way. This is your way out.” She paused for a moment, as if searching her mind for something. “Did you find Julie’s notes, diary…anything?”

  “No,” I said with disappointment. “I have an acute feeling that she didn’t keep a record of her daily activities.”

  “She’s right, it’s boring! What about her emails?”

  “Well, what’s her email? How can I get the password?”

  “Lovers share that kind of stuff. Ask Eric.”

  “I can try.”

  Sarah filled me in on everything she knew about Julie, but it wasn’t enough to get started anywhere. The session piqued my curiosity about the message Eric was bringing to Donna when we first met. Sarah had no idea what the message was and was just as curious as I was.

  “Well, let me know if you discover anything else.”

  “Sure.” Sarah stood up and put her jacket on.

  I hadn’t noticed how quickly two hours had passed. Donna must have been out of ideas in keeping Eric busy. I slipped into my jacket and headed for the door.

  “Call me if you need anything,” I heard Sarah say while I hurried home.

  While running home I couldn’t think of anything other than seeing Eric. I was a little surprised at how quickly my feelings were evolving toward him, but I wasn’t confessing yet that I liked him, even if this confession was only to me. I was afraid that Julie was going to hear it. It was the most uncomfortable state I’d ever been in—refraining myself from thinking freely. Deep inside though, in whatever consciousness that I, Cassandra, had, I tried to convince myself that how I felt was not true and that I was only pretending to like him for Julie. He was her boyfriend and she was in love with him.

  “Hey, Simmi.” I tried not to be much of a chatter, but she only made a noise to signal that maybe she heard me. “Do you know where Donna is?”

  “Out.” She frowned.

  “All right.” I tried one last attempt. “How are you?”

  She turned toward the cabinet, bringing down some teacups. “I’m fine, dear.”

  Her voice sounded like she was waiting for me to disappear. I walked away wondering how long a person could live in such solitude and anger. I knew that Donna cherished her and considered her as part of the family; I felt an obligation to feel the same way but I didn’t—so I decided to be polite.

  I went back outside to see if I had missed seeing Donna and Eric in the yard because I wasn’t sure what Simmi meant by “out.” Did she mean that Donna was away from the house or outside in the yard? There was no one in the front yard. A second later I was able to hear Luna barking so I followed the sound to the backyard where I could hear Donna chiding someone about doing something wrong.

  “How could you do that? You should move back the snow toward the fence!” she said loudly.

  “But you said to the center!” Eric’s voice complained.

  I appeared from behind the house wall; Luna was the first to sense me. She ran up and jumped on me for a hug. I caressed the dog and walked toward the arguing couple.

  “Here you are!” said Donna with an upset expression. She made sure to wink at me when Eric was no longer looking at her.

  “Julie, come and check out how your mother is torturing me.” He left the shovel and walked toward me.

  “What do you think, Julie?” Donna smiled. “Is it all right to keep the snow in the middle of the backyard?”

  I laughed with an attempt to hide it. “Yes, it’s okay, Donna.”

  “Oh, thank you, baby, that’s so sweet of you.” Eric hugged me and kissed my cheek.

  Donna seemed overjoyed at having been able to help me. She was wearing rain boots and a scarf with a black jacket and pink winter hat. Her nose was red and vapor came out of her mouth as she breathed heavily due to too much smoking.

  “Well then, let’s go for some hot ginger tea and biscuits.” She laughed.

  I was happy inside the house because it was very warm. Simmi brought us ginger tea, and as usual Donna asked her to sit with us, but she signaled that she didn’t want to and started walking away holding her teacup. It was hard for me to avoid noticing her unhappiness, although Donna didn’t seem to notice.

  “So when is Chester coming back?” Eric asked.

  I knew how this question bothered Donna so I decided to step in quickly. “Why, you seem afraid of the hard work assigned to you by Donna.”

  “Never,” Eric said confidently.

  I noticed Donna’s facial expression remained happy this time.

  “I was thinking that probably Donna was correct; snow does look pretty bad in the middle of the yard,” I joked.

  “What? You are unmerciful, ladies. I am outnumbered here!”

  Donna started laughing. “I always thought it takes only one man to break a woman, but apparently two women can easily break just anything if determined.”

  “Well then”—Eric stood up—”until the mister of the house is here for some reinforcements, I will be very, very sick sleeping at home.”

  Donna and I laughed. It was already dark and late, and I was tired and hungry. I accompanied Eric to the door but noticed he was looking behind me to see if Donna was following.

  “I’ll be right here tomorrow at nine-thirty in the morning.” He rubbed his head. “Chester is coming home tomorrow at noon. I was thinking me and you could go out together.”

  “I don’t understand. If Chester is coming back then I guess it would be better to dine with him. Isn’t that the way it should go?” I didn’t know if I was saying something that was unusual for the practices of this family.

  “Well, yeah. Just I thought of giving them some private time.”

  I thought Donna didn’t like Chester and seemed a little annoyed when we mentioned him. �
�Are you sure?”

  “Yeah, I’m very sure.” He nodded.

  “Well, let me just think about it.” Involuntarily I felt a weird expression run across my face.

  “Julie, I…” He seemed to review his thoughts. “All right, see you at nine-thirty.”

  I had an inevitable feeling that Eric refrained himself from saying something else to me. As he walked away Donna suddenly came and started watching Eric with me as he walked toward his car.

  “What do you think, Donna?”

  “Eric?” She lifted her eyebrows.

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, I think he’s hot.” She gave it further thought and resumed, “And he’s smart, caring…loving?”

  It sounded like she was asking if he was loving. I laughed, avoiding the question of course, and she did too.

  “Why are you asking me?” she said.

  “Sometimes when I learn what kind of relationship is between the people I’m surrounded by or what they think of one another, I happen to regain some memories.”

  “Oh.” She started walking away and I followed. “I wouldn’t advise you to adopt that technique.”

  “Why not?” I asked innocently.

  “Many things changed from the day of your coma.” She lifted a pillow, sat in its place on the sofa, and hugged it.

  “What changed, Eric?” I lingered in her silence, waiting impatiently.

  “No, all of us…I mean, what we think of one another.” She paused. “How did the studying go?”

  “Very good, I met this girl. Sarah”

  “That’s good.” She smiled vaguely. “You can ask her to join us tomorrow in building a super snowman.”

  “Good idea.” I smiled.

  Eric’s scheme of building a snowman seemed to take Donna’s mind off other stuff that I didn’t know about.

  “All right, I’ll shower now.” I left the room.

  “Julie,” she called.

  “Yeah?” I came back quickly.

  “Ask Eric about new people; maybe they existed before in your life, and maybe you didn’t like them much.”

  “Does Eric know all my friends?” I tried to sound innocent.

  “I think so, yes.”

  “All right, I will.”

  At midnight I woke up with this song in my mind. The melody seemed very familiar to me, but I couldn’t remember who played it or if it was known at all. The rhythm was so beautiful that I started humming the notes. It was impossible to make it stop even when I got up, turned on the light, and washed my face. It was both annoying, because it was night and I wanted to sleep, and equally beautiful because I found pleasure in repeating it again and again in my mind.

  By a quarter to one, I finally decided to leave my room and entertain myself with something until the melody faded from my mind. I went down to the kitchen and fixed myself some toast with peach jam. Luna followed me and sat on the floor near me, salivating while fixing her eyes on what I was eating. I handed her a small piece of the toast and watched her swallow it in a second. The rhythm was back; I tried to ignore the first few minutes of this madness, this addiction of singing the notes until they finally faded away as I started hearing the sound of my bites on the toast. I thought I got rid of them until they started lingering in my mind again and I couldn’t resist the singing anymore. Soon I had a strong headache, so I placed my head on the table singing the notes again and again. A minute later Donna came from nowhere into the kitchen and scared me.

  “Baby, are you all right?” she yawned.

  “I’m sorry, did I wake you up?”

  “Don’t worry about it; I was awake before I heard the noise here,” she explained, but I knew she was lying. Donna did almost anything to keep me comfortable.

  “I don’t know, I woke up with this music in my head. Thought eating something would make it fade away.” I took another bite of the toast. “Would you like some?”

  “Yes!”

  I spread jam over a piece of toast and handed it to her.

  “What does the music sound like?” she asked.

  “I’m not sure.”

  “Can you sing it?”

  “Sounds like this.” I started humming the notes that came to my mind as her eyes opened wider.

  “That sounds familiar.” She nodded. “Would you like some juice with that?”

  “Maybe some water.”

  She grabbed the water bottle and poured some into an empty cup. Donna started singing the same notes, and they seemed more clear and correct as she did so. I followed her singing until we started laughing for no reason.

  “I bet we sound like two crazy women singing in the middle of the night,” she said, laughing and chewing the last bit of her toast.

  “Yes we do.” I laughed.

  “Hmm…follow me.” She walked toward the salon.

  I picked up what was left of the toast and jam from the bar and turned off the light in the kitchen as I followed her into the obscurity. She switched on a tiny lampadaire that was placed on top of the piano and sat on the sofa near it.

  “Since it’s a weird night, let’s do all weird things.” She waved her hand toward the piano. “Try to play that melody. If you can then it will be great; if you can’t then at least it might chase it away.”

  “I guess…I can try.” I sat on the piano bench and started humming the notes that came to my head.

  Suddenly the rhythm in my mind was translated into my body, and I started moving back and forth like a mentally disturbed person. Donna watched me silently as I closed my eyes and transferred this energy into actual music played on the piano keys. It was an intense feeling of liveliness and deep sleep that bundled together over these black-and-white keys. They suddenly made sense and became a part of the sounds in my mind. Every touch had a measure in time, a language of perfection without any words. Every sound had an echo in my soul. That wasn’t me playing, it definitely wasn’t me. Julie had her hands and mind joined, and they made a beautiful piece, whereas I, Cassandra, was there somewhere, just listening until I fell asleep on the beautiful sound.

  I can’t remember when she decided to wake me up again. It must have been when Donna touched my shoulder with her cold hands telling me how beautiful it was and that she was glad I was finally remembering it all.

  She kneeled beside me while tears of joy ran down her face. “I am so proud of you, Julie, so much progress in very little time.”

  “That wasn’t me,” I whispered.

  “Yes it was.” She smiled as tears kept falling.

  “Donna, I’m…I’m just tired.” My own tears started falling too, but they weren’t happy tears. I was frustrated; I was sorry for Donna and scared by how Julie and I both shared the same body. How could we both be alive?

  Donna wiped my tears away and helped me go up the stairs to bed. Just before she went out I became a disgrace in Julie’s eyes as I asked Donna to stay with me until I fell asleep. I was a coward, but I was very scared to hear those voices in my head fighting and whispering, or that music again that Julie played a while ago. I was afraid I was going crazy. It was terrible, the feeling of not having control over my mind and body. Donna was thrilled when I asked her to stay; she quickly sat on the bed next to me and started playing with my hair until I closed my eyes and lost myself somewhere in sleep. When I woke up in the morning, she wasn’t next to me.

  Chapter 15

  snowman

  it took me twelve minutes to convince myself to get out of my warm bed on that cold morning. I was awake ten minutes before the alarm, but I let it ring for two minutes before I finally persuaded myself to get up and silence it. I spent the whole time in bed wondering if last night was real, if I really did play that music or if it was Julie who took control. The familiarity of the keys was still within me, I could feel it. If I didn’t bring Julie to the piano she wouldn’t have come out like this. Was Julie asking me to bring her to places where she could live through me? The more I thought of this the crazier I felt, so I decided not
to go there with my thoughts again for the rest of the day.

  It did take me longer than ever to decide on what to wear, but in the closet I found a photo album of Julie’s in which I was able to see better the way she combined her outfits. In fact it was an album that demonstrated the clothes she wore. I chose a picture where she wore a beautiful pink jacket. I looked for every piece she was wearing until I had the exact combination. This was my outfit for today.

  I grabbed a piece of toast and walked out as there was no time for breakfast. I was late, and Eric was already waiting for me outside. This time he had a scarf wrapped around his neck, and his wonderful eyes were laughing. I looked at him with what we used to call in Paris Doux Yeux as he carried me to the front seat. He was very neat, as if he spent a good amount of time making sure there was not a single defect on him. I looked at myself, making sure I was as perfectly groomed as he was, when I realized suddenly that the nail polish was chipped on one of my fingers. I slid my right hand into my jacket pocket and decided to keep it there for the rest of the day.

  I didn’t hear a word of what he said in the car while I planned ways to get home and polish that fingernail before dinnertime. It was Wednesday, and we had classes all day long; there was no way to go home in between classes or miss any. It was impossible to dance with Eric while keeping one hand in my pocket. I started panicking as I thought of dancing class. It came to me suddenly to ask Sarah for help. She should be able to get the exact nail polish with the same color I was using, and it could be accomplished before dancing class. I waited for accounting class to text her about this new emergency.

  Although the storm was over, the cafeteria was still crowded because it was awfully cold outside. I finally spotted Michka and Daniel sitting with Sarah and Jack at a table. I was surprised to see Sarah and Jack together, but they weren’t looking at each other; they looked like they were ignoring each another. I tried to wave for Sarah but she seemed distracted, I guess busy ignoring Jack.