Different Minds

by Joyce E. Rayess

  The waiter placed our salads on the table and took the half-empty cups of soup. He quickly left afterwards. I think he noticed that we weren’t in the mood for chatting.

  “Eric.”

  “So Robert is back.” His eyes dropped down, losing their charm and resembling so much the eyes of that which I used to fear.

  I was extremely shocked that Eric knew who Robert was. What did he mean by Robert is back? Did he ever exist in the life of Eric before? Who was Robert really?

  “Robert?” I said in a low voice. I frowned involuntarily in confusion.

  Eric turned toward me so suddenly, but his eyes held much less anger now. I realized that he was surprised I didn’t recall who Robert was. “The guy on the stage who said ‘thank you, Julie.’”

  I decided to act confused rather than truthful. It was better to figure out how to act later. “Yes?”

  “Do you recall him?” He looked closely into my eyes. I panicked.

  “Yes,” I said despite my will. I shouldn’t have said this, but Eric’s eyes were so furious now that I was actually forced to tell the truth.

  “Do you remember that you left him for me?” He pulled himself closer to me as he said with agitation, “Did you remember him in Paris?”

  “No.” I panicked more.

  “Did you remember him before this evening?” His face was so close to mine. He spoke with suffering.

  “No, I just remembered him.”

  “Remember that you left him for me—remember that you did this because you loved me.” He pulled me closer to him by my shoulders. “Remember everything now, please.”

  “I used to be his…we…” I was speechless. “What?”

  “Do you feel him?” He pushed on my shoulders strongly.

  “I don’t know…Eric, you’re hurting me.”

  “Sorry,” he said with a trembling voice as he pulled himself away from me. “I’m sorry, I should trust that you will remember everything.”

  “What?”

  “Julie, I’m sorry.”

  “Help me. Tell me what I should know.” I leaned toward him and grabbed his elbow.

  “You will not believe me.” He shook his head.

  “Why not?” I spoke softly.

  “Because it’s too good to be true.” He turned his face aside as his eyes met mine. His jaw was clenched. “It was like love from first sight. You suddenly wanted to leave Robert, who kept following you until you left Paris. We fell in love like…like love never existed for anyone before—like we brought its own existence. It was as unbelievable to us as it was to anyone. My message to Donna was that if Chester didn’t love her then he wouldn’t be dying…of grief. They love each other, but they had too much pride to go back and reclaim their love. I took care of Chester because I needed a father, and I loved Donna as much because she loved Chester, even when she wasn’t going to let her pride go and admit it.”

  “They still sleep in different rooms.”

  “I didn’t know.” He shook his head.

  “When I came here with you, Robert stopped chasing me?”

  “He didn’t love you. What kind of love resigns to distances?”

  So I was the girl that left Robert just before school graduation and broke his heart. I shook my head, confused. Eric pulled his face away and breathed heavily.

  “Eric, I promised tonight I’ll think only of you.”

  A second later, Eric’s facial expression changed from irritation and rage to just…nothing.

  “Please.” He held up his palm like a policeman and then pointed at the salads. I tried to eat but his silence forbade me. I chewed rapidly on a piece of lettuce when I looked at his anxious face; he only stared at the plate with no appetite.

  “You will not eat?” I asked.

  “Yes.” He picked up his salad fork looking terribly sad.

  I noticed Robert sitting with two other guys at one of the tables close to the stage. He turned his chair so that he was seated in a position where we were facing one another. I tried to avoid his eyes, but it was impossible not to glance every once in a while, even when I made a huge effort not to. As Eric concentrated on the salad I spotted Robert looking at me with a smile. I worried that if Eric was going to notice the nerve Robert had, it was very likely he wasn’t going to try to control his anger. It was best to leave the restaurant, even better now.

  “Are you hungry?” I had stopped eating and placed both my hands on my lap beneath the table.

  “Not anymore.” He dropped the fork in the large plate.

  “Let’s leave then.” I dropped my fork in the exact same manner he did. He removed both his knife and fork and placed them together on the side of the plate. I remembered how that was supposed to be a kind of language, weirdly signifying that one had finished eating from that plate. I didn’t know why people made their lives so complicated, why they needed to find abbreviations for speaking to one another. How hard could it be to call for the waiter and just tell him that we had finished our plate? I followed his move because it’s what Julie would have done.

  A second later the waiter appeared and asked if we had a problem with the salad. Eric remained silent while I explained that we were leaving and didn’t need the final dish anymore. We waited silently for the bill. Eric didn’t speak a word as he leaned back in the chair and looked at me with a sad expression. It just killed my heart.

  “Why do you want to leave?” he asked.

  “Isn’t it what you want?” I tried to keep him staring at me so he wouldn’t discover Robert sitting at a close distance from us.

  “Do you want to leave because you think this is what I want, or is it because it’s truly what you want?”

  “Both.” I remained concentrated on his glare. I didn’t want to break the connection for whatever reason. “What are you thinking?”

  “I think it is better not to share my thoughts.” He looked away at the stage where a woman was singing.

  “Eric.” I tried to recapture his attention, hoping he hadn’t noticed Robert sitting so close to the woman singing.

  “It is best if you don’t hear what I’m thinking, but I will tell you anyways.” He kept looking at the stage. “I am wondering at which stage you remembered him—if it was while you were playing the piano or when you spotted him singing. Or perhaps even before this evening.”

  He turned toward me silently, looking at me and waiting. Luckily at this moment the waiter came with the bill. Eric took it quickly and paid. He stood up and grabbed the scarf which was hanging on the back of my seat; he placed it around my shoulders and offered me his elbow to walk me out. I gasped; I didn’t know why I was a little worried that Robert was looking at us. I managed to follow Eric’s quick steps. When we reached the car I noticed how red his cheeks had become. I tried to placate him by holding his hand, but it seemed only to make him angrier. I wondered what Julie would have done in this case; my weak personality was signifying guilt. I knew that the best way was to answer Eric’s hanging question, but I didn’t want to lie, and I knew that whatever I was going to say would drag a million lies behind it.

  I pulled my hands back together. “I don’t remember at which stage I remembered him, maybe a little at every instance.”

  He blinked barely once. “I just want you to remember everything. Having you remember only one part of your life is really killing me.”

  “Then we should wait,” I said spontaneously, then I looked away through the window on my right.

  “What if you don’t remember any further?” He shook his head.

  “What does it matter? I’m with you.”

  “A while ago you weren’t.” He glanced at me, obviously a little happy because of what I’d said, but he quickly pulled off. “What if you change your mind?”

  “Should there be a reason?” I turned my back toward my side of the window and lowered my face as I looked at him.

  “Only if you remember one side of the story.” He exhaled with force. Then he turned his face slightly
toward me without looking at me. “You used to be in love with him before I came along.”

  “I am in love with you now.” I frowned.

  “You never said this before.” He smiled sarcastically and then concentrated on a slow drive.

  “I was looking for a special moment.” I rubbed my nose.

  “A good time would have been when I proposed.” He started driving a little faster than usual. I decided to stay silent after that moment. It was better to think and get someone’s advice before I said anything further that ruined my relationship with him. I watched him as he drove looking annoyed. When we finally arrived home, he turned toward me and kissed my cheek dryly.

  “Tomorrow I leave for LA at seven in the morning. I’ll see you in a few days.” I think what made him angrier was that he had to leave for work while we were in a sort of discussion.

  I nodded sadly. “I’ll be waiting for you.”

  When I came in, Donna was in the kitchen reading a book at the bar and drinking some sort of blended juice.

  “You came back early.” She kept her eyes on the book.

  “You’re not smoking.” I forced a smile.

  “As I promised you.” She smiled. “Would you like some juice?”

  “What is it?” I pulled off my jacket and hung it on an empty bar chair.

  “A combination of fresh flavors and vitamins.”

  “Isn’t it bad to drink that just before sleeping?” I asked, remembering Dad saying this to me several times.

  “It’s all psychological. Chester can’t sleep without drinking coffee.”

  “That’s weird,” I said, laughing. “Well, now wouldn’t be the right time to test your hypothesis. I still need to make up for many hours of sleep.”

  “All right then, you will find some in the fridge in the morning.” She went back to her book.

  “Goodnight, Donna.” I grabbed my scarf. “By the way, where did you disappear with Chester tonight?”

  “Jennifer and I prepared a cards game night. We beat the old men’s asses!” She raised one eyebrow and pulled down her glasses. “What do you think?”

  “Well done.” I laughed.

  I ran up the stairs toward my room, finally able to reveal my shocked expressions. I walked in circles crazily, both laughing and crying; it was impossible to be rational about the coincidence. Suddenly I remembered a book I read some time ago about the gravity of human thoughts and the power of the mind. It said that with our minds we were able to bring just about anything to ourselves. I never thought that thinking so much about Robert would actually bring him that near to me. What chances did I have in becoming Robert’s friend…even better his forbidden love!

  I called Sarah and explained the coincidence. She spent one whole hour with me on the phone contemplating the madness of the situation.

  “What are you going to do?” she asked like a million times.

  “What do you think I should do?” I liked her opinions better.

  “I don’t know. Do you still love Robert?”

  “I said yes to Eric’s proposal. Sarah, concentrate!” I almost screamed.

  “Well, you can’t marry someone you don’t love,” she repeated.

  “I love Eric.”

  “Cassandra, you don’t even know Eric. You love him because he is a good person, but you don’t know him,” she insisted.

  “No, Sarah, I really love Eric,” I repeated.

  “But are you in love with him?” She waited silently on the other end of the line.

  “Yes.”

  “Are you in love with Robert?”

  “I don’t know,” I said honestly.

  “Look, I got to go; we’ll resume this in class tomorrow.”

  “All right, ciao.” I hung up.

  As I picked up my scattered clothes on the bed, I realized Eric’s smell was on them. I didn’t remember being in physical contact with him this evening, but then I remembered that it could have been during the hug we had at home when I first saw him. I felt sad as I remembered how everything was ruined at the restaurant. I picked up my phone but realized that it needed to be charged. I plugged it in near my bed and waited five minutes, which felt like half an hour until I had restarted it. I sat on the floor wondering what I was going to text him, but for the first time I really had no words to say. Did I regret what happened today, should I apologize, should I blame him for being angry at nothing?

  Come back soon!

  I texted him that and went to bed. I waited underneath the cover about one hour, peeking at my phone every minute. Why wasn’t Eric texting me back? Maybe he was sleeping, I thought. I confused my mind with thoughts of everything, Robert’s stare at me, his smile, and how he seated himself facing me. Although hard to admit, it all gave me pleasure. A feeling of guilt stretched inside me. Deep inside, I knew I wanted to see Robert again. Now I was able to understand why he was staring at me in that manner when he saw me on campus, when he saw me at the memorial ceremony for Cassandra.

  Chapter 20

  silent treatment

  i woke up as usual a few minutes before the alarm went off. I think I was awake all night, even when I was “sleeping.” I grabbed my phone and realized that Eric still hadn’t replied to my message. I dressed slowly; somehow it was as if my mind was slow and tired of thinking too much throughout the night. I went downstairs hearing Donna calling me, asking me not to forget the fresh juice she had squeezed this morning. Luna was unusually excited to go outside. She was right; it was beautiful weather. Chester waited for me in the car; in fact he was twenty minutes early. He reminded me of Dad’s attitude of always being ahead.

  When I was finally in the car, Chester smiled with exaggeration and kept that smile during the whole drive. I figured it would start hurting him at any time, but no, he just kept smiling.

  “Are you finding any difficulties with the major you’ve chosen?” he asked.

  “The name of my major itself is difficult.” I laughed.

  “That’s not true. Give it a semester and you’ll see it will become too easy for a Johnson.”

  “I’m sure,” I encouraged myself.

  “If you need anything, you know you can always ask your old man here.” He pulled up to the curb to drop me off.

  “Thanks, Chester.” I smiled and got out of the car.

  It was a little strange for me to be on campus without Eric. I was glad though to have spotted Sarah at a close distance. I called for her and she ran toward me.

  “Ha! Two jackpots, imagine!” She started laughing.

  “You are amused.” I dropped my books on the ground, removed my jacket, and threw it on top of the books.

  “Beautiful weather, huh?” She raised her head up, stretching her neck while looking at the few white clouds.

  “Yeah, I just love the sun.” I raised my face to it, imitating Sarah, and suddenly started laughing.

  “What?”

  “We resemble rejoicing daisies.”

  “That’s not bad.” She laughed too. “Where’s Eric by the way?”

  “He traveled to California this morning with his aunt.” I picked up my jacket and sat on the books.

  “That’s dangerous.” She smiled devilishly.

  “You know every perfect way to make me worry.”

  “It’s just life.” She started tying one of her shoelaces, which was loose.

  We stayed lying under the sun until it was time to attend lessons. I went to accounting class discouraged. The motivation that Eric used to give me while walking me to class empowered me and I became attentive. Having him not reply to my last evening’s message made me feel down, made me feel as if everything was stopped until he replied. My stomach had this feeling like morning sickness. I sat in class recalling the moments when Robert sang to me; his possessive looks at me must have enraged Eric. But it was impossible for me not to react to his adorable invitation. I just walked between strangers and played his song. How did he know that this song had been lingering in my mind for so lon
g? The more I thought of Robert, the more I adored him, and it was confusing. One simple stare at him betrayed my feelings to Eric. I was feeling so guilty now, especially as I remembered how nice Eric was, how faithful and loving.

  “Are you okay?” one guy sitting next to me asked while frowning.

  I quickly realized that my gestures were expressing pain. “Yeah, just some stomach pain.”

  “It must be the cold. They turned down the heaters because it’s a sunny day. They shouldn’t have,” he whispered.

  “Yeah, I guess,” I whispered back.

  “It’s always warmer in the cafeteria.”

  “Thanks.” I turned toward the teacher, who was drawing tables on the board and plugging in numbers. I looked at the chapter of the day and it said “Balance Sheet.” I ran my eyes over the bold writing inside the table drawn in the book; it explained something about assets and liabilities. I pretended to read the paragraphs until the teacher called my name.

  “Julie, it is better if you listen to my explanation now. You can read the chapter later at home,” she said loudly. I was alerted as she said my name, as if the name truly belonged to me now. I didn’t know she paid so much attention to what everyone was doing.

  “Okay.” I nodded shyly. The whole class was looking at me, and it made me uncomfortable. I stared at the board without listening to a word of what she was saying, waiting for all eyes to forget me. It felt like forever until the lesson was over, and I was one of the first people to leave the classroom. In the corridor I found Sarah waiting for me.

  “You look sick.” She raised one side of her upper lip like she was disgusted.

  “Yes, you can say that…and I’m still tired from the trip,” I lied.

  We walked outside into the sunshine. Everyone was in T-shirts exposing their skin to whatever vitamin D they were able to absorb.

  “We can’t stay here long; we will be late for next class,” Sarah said. She kept her backpack on her shoulder and leaned her back on the tree.

  “You sound too happy. What’s the secret?” I forced a suspicious smile.

  “I’m not happy. What’s there to be happy about anyways?” She put her hands in her pockets and started shaking her foot nervously.