by Linda Maran
By this time Mary and Anna had taken their seats at the table. They looked on with expressions of surprise and puzzlement.
Kristen gave them a nod, placed the basket of biscuits on the table, and headed for the porch.
“Aren’t you having dinner with us?” Mamm asked. The sadness in her eyes more pronounced now.
“No, thank you. I’m not hungry. Angela is picking me up to go to the library. It closes at 8:00 PM. I need to use the computer there to search the job market.”
“A job? You’d have to travel quite a bit around here to get to and from any job that pays enough to be worth your while.” Daed acted as if pursuing a job was totally unrealistic.
“I never said I was looking for a job around here.” She grabbed a biscuit and walked out the screened door.
Jacob’s face turned ashen.
John had lost his patience now. He excused himself and followed after her.
Kristen stood by the mailbox at the edge of the property, waiting for Angela.
“Hold on there, Kristen. Listen to me. And listen gut. You can do whatever you like. Become baptized to our way of life or walk away from it once you turn eighteen. You can get a job with the Englisch, or in an Amish establishment nearby. It’s your life. But please, never be so cruel and arrogant to our familye again. It’s disrespectful. They don’t deserve that, especially Jacob. He’s in as much shock over all of this as you are. They care for you.”
She turned and glared at him with fiery wet eyes. “You mean, only if I’m Amish, through and through. But I’m not. And I might never be able to be that for…for…” She placed her head in her hands and sobbed.
John walked nearer to her. He longed to embrace her, but that was too risky being in open view. He got as close as he could. “For me?” he whispered.
Without lifting her head, she nodded.
His heart nearly melted. “Loyalty and a gut heart are great blessings. You have always had those, Englisch or Amish. You don’t need to conform to anything but Gott’s will for you. Just trust in Him to lead you to the life you are meant to live.”
Kristen lifted her head and wiped at her eyes with the backs of her hands. “What if God’s will is not what I want?”
John whisked away a stray tear from her cheek with his thumb. “Gott’s will for us could never be bad. He seems to be putting your life together piece by piece, like a puzzle, jah?”
Kristen laughed through new tears. “This is a difficult puzzle to finish. Like one of those with a thousand pieces.”
“Ach, but the finished puzzle picture will be perfect,” he assured her.
Kristen smiled.
John relaxed and reluctantly stepped back.
A car came down the road.
“That must be Angela. We’ll see you later. Mamm will have a plate waiting for you.”
“John?”
“Jah?”
“Can you please tell Jacob good-bye for me?”
20
Kristen came down to help with breakfast wearing a denim skirt and a simple white cotton blouse. Again, no bun, no kapp, no apron. Not until what she felt on the inside was genuine, could she dress the part.
Aunt Elizabeth came in and glanced at her attire for the briefest moment. “Goede Mariye, Kristen. I think some dippy eggs might make a nice change from the corn mush today.”
“Does that mean eggs you can dip into? Sunnyside up?”
“Jah, it does. We have enough of the bread I baked yesterday for that.”
“Will we cook up some bacon, too?”
“Bacon will be gut.”
As Kristen went to retrieve the bacon from the ice chest, Anna came running in, smiled at her, and then went straight to the stove to make the coffee. Not a minute later, Mary strolled in. The three of them made quick work of breakfast.
Kristen had her own part in the preparations each morning. When did that happen? Seemed she’d always made the bacon or the mush and placed the butter and jams on the table. They worked as a team. It was one of the things she liked about the Plain life. Being a part of things.
The screen door opened and Kristen had a smile ready for John. But it quickly froze on her face when it was Jacob who came through the door.
“Goede Mariye, all.”
Aunt Elizabeth wiped her hands on a dish towel and went over to him.
“Goede Mariye, Jacob. Such a nice surprise. Take yourself a seat and join us for breakfast. I didn’t hear you pull the buggy in.”
“Denki, Elizabeth. I didn’t come by buggy. I had the taxi driver who was scheduled to come take me to Lowville, drive me here instead. I postponed my trip back home ’til after the opening of your store. I know that Monday is the big day. I’ll be staying at Katie’s haus.”
“Ach, that is awful nice of you, Jacob. Jonas and the boys will be so very happy to have you with them.”
Kristen brought sliced grain bread to the table.
Jacob had his eyes fixed on her much like he did the very first day she’d met him. Maybe he thought she’d switch back into her Plain apparel today. Nope. Not ’til it rang true for her. If that ever happened.
“Will you be coming to Preaching tomorrow, Kristen?”
She was about to answer Jacob when Uncle Jonas, John, and Daniel came in.
“Jacob! Thought you’d be half way to Lowville by now.” Uncle Jonas patted Jacob’s shoulder and sat next to him.
“Nee, I’m staying for the grand opening of your store.”
“That’s gut news. We could always use your opinion seeing how you’ve had your own store for all these years now.”
Jacob nodded. He no longer kept his gaze on Kristen.
She breathed a sigh of relief.
John gave her a quick glance and his expression was hard to read. Maybe he’d given up on her. Just as well. He’d be better off with a nice, genuine Amish girl.
Aunt Elizabeth brought the dippy eggs to the table.
They all paused for the silent prayer, but this time Kristen didn’t say the Lord’s Prayer. She merely uttered a silent, help me be who I’m supposed to be. Amen.
While the platter of eggs and bread were passed, Kristen observed Jacob. Her father. She wasn’t sure she’d ever get used to referring to him that way. He seemed a gentle, kind man, and despite the fact that his life hadn’t gone the way he’d planned with her mom, he still had happiness about him. Must be that inner joy he spoke about yesterday. The joy Kristen couldn’t feel.
“Aren’t you eating, Kristen? It’s the first time I’ve made dippy eggs since you’ve been here.” Aunt Elizabeth fixed her eyes on Kristen’s plate.
“I’m sure they’re good, but I’m not hungry. I’ll just have some juice for now.”
John glanced at her with a solemn look. Or was it irritation she saw there? What business was it of his whether she ate or not? She looked at Aunt Elizabeth and saw the disappointment on her face. She’d messed up again. She’d hurt her aunt’s feelings with her refusal to eat the eggs. Most likely considered selfish and rude. “Well, maybe I’ll have just one egg with half a slice of bread.”
Aunt Elizabeth’s eyes brightened, and she quickly passed the platter to Kristen while Anna tore a piece of bread in half and placed it on her plate.
She wanted to sneak a glance back at John to see if his irritation had softened, but she kept her eyes on her food instead. She hadn’t accepted the egg and bread for him. She did it for her aunt.
“I’m glad you’re planning on coming to the store with us, Jacob,” Uncle Jonas said while buttering his bread.
“Jah, I’ll try not to be in the way.”
“Nee. We’re getting a big delivery today and your help would sure be appreciated. Kristen and Anna are going to load up the candy counter, and Mary and Lizzie will be going over all the things the maidles are interested in buying.”
“Jah, we were thrilled when we received a basket of Edna Lucille soaps from my sister-in-law, Ruth, all the way in Ohio where they’re made. There’s n
ot an Amish girl around who doesn’t love that soap. She sent us four bars each of Jasmine, Honeysuckle, Peach Ginger, Lilac, and Citrus Grove.” Aunt Elizabeth counted each scent on her fingers. “Five different kinds. That makes twenty bars. But there might be one bar missing because I think we ladies should treat ourselves to a bar of the honeysuckle. Just for the smelling, of course.”
Kristen cocked her head. “Only to smell?”
“Vell, we make our own soap and don’t use the fancy kind. But we enjoy the scent.”
Kristen rolled her eyes.
John’s frown deepened.
Right now, she didn’t care.
“Honeysuckle is my favorite, too,” Mary said. “Kristen, you’ll have to take a whiff of it. I think there is an ocean scented one that is made, too. Wish we had one of those for you. Next order we’ll include a few so you can be reminded of your ocean.”
Kristen forced a smile. Once again, John was right. Her family cared for her, despite the silly soap smell-but-don’t-use rule. But that didn’t mean she was worthy. Or that she could care for them in the same unselfish way with all the little thoughtful things they did. She was so wrapped up in herself with the saga of her upturned life that she had little thought for anyone else.
At least she might be able to be of some help at the store…with her father. She needed to show him her nicer side if she hadn’t yet lost it completely.
~*~
Jacob was so busy helping the men unload the delivered supplies and setting everything in its proper place, he wasn’t able to focus too much on Kristen.
She was part glad and part disappointed. She’d finished helping Anna set out the fudge and now she’d stay by the kaffee counter to help Aunt Miriam.
“Jacob, would you like some instant kaffee or tea? We’re trying our propane urn today. It boils five gallons of water and keeps it nice and hot.”
“Jah, that would be gut. Denki, Miriam.”
“I brought a blueberry pie. Just have to slice it. Kristen can you do that?”
Kristen nodded, unwrapped the foil from the pie, and began her task.
“I think it would be a gut idea to have a plate of cookies and free kaffee and tea here for the customers. We can put out disposable hot cups, a jar of sugar, and some powdered milk.” Miriam dished out a slice of pie that Kristen had cut and placed it on a paper plate for Jacob. Then she filled a mug with hot water. “Instant kaffee or tea?”
“Kaffee is gut, denki. Blueberry pie is my favorite.”
“Jah, I know how much you liked blueberry ice cream, too.” Aunt Miriam’s face took on a hue of pink. “Um, because Emily told us a funny story about how much of it you ate at a singing at Ann Zook’s haus.”
“Jah, I remember that nacht. I was a complete wutz. Wonders me how Ann’s mamm didn’t put me out for hardly leaving much for anyone else?”
“Ach, we were lobbich in our youth at times.”
“Very silly. For sure and for certain.” Jacob gave out a short laugh at the memory.
Aunt Miriam watched him with a smile on her flushed face.
Jacob took a bite of the pie then looked back up at her. “You still live in the same haus you grew up in?”
“Jah. When everyone went off and married, they let me stay there. Elizabeth invited me many a time to come live with them, but I love that haus and am grateful to the Lord that I can live there. I feel a certain comfort being surrounded with the things of our familye. Daed’s rocker, Grossmammi’s special quilt given to our mamm, the small gardens we all tended together. And the same peaceful view out the windows I’ve seen since I’ve been a kind. That’s what I mean.”
Kristen never heard Aunt Miriam so talkative and unguarded before.
“That’s important, Miriam. I’m happy for you.” Jacob sipped his coffee in silence.
“Are you all right, Jacob?”
“Ach, jah. I was just thinking about how gut it is to have a home like that. I hope Kristen can one day feel the same way. Wherever she chooses to live.” He turned and gave her a quick smile.
Aunt Miriam cut a thin slice of pie for herself, and then looked at him with complete seriousness, the smile gone. “You sound worried.”
He looked toward Kristen again but said nothing.
Hearing him say that with her standing right there was strange and the time had come to change the topic of this conversation.
“Aunt Miriam, is there electric lighting here in the store because the owner is Englisch? Like why there’s also a sink?”
“Jah, that’s right.”
“So how come Plain people can use these modern things here if they don’t at home?”
“It’s allowed to be used here because it came with the store and your onkle and aenti don’t own this place; they rent it. Electricity is not permitted if we own the business. Just like with our homes. Many Amish stands at the markets of larger communities have electricity because it comes with the stands they rent there.”
“Interesting.” Kristen eyed the blueberry pie.
“Go ahead, have yourself a piece.” Aunt Miriam handed Kristen a paper plate.
“Is it OK if I take it with me? Angela is coming any minute to drive me to the mall. Anna and I finished up setting up the candy counter. I want to get doilies to place under some of the candies in the plastic bins, and a few things I need for myself.”
“Sure, take a slice for Angela, too.” Aunt Miriam wrapped two pieces in waxed paper.
“Do you need money to buy whatever you need?”
Kristen didn’t expect Jacob to ask her that.
“I am your vadder, so if you need anything you can come to me.”
“Oh no, thank you. I still have some money that I saved in my own account.”
Jacob nodded. He looked uncomfortable.
“You tell Angela to come to the store on Monday, if she can, jah? It’s a special day around here.” Aunt Miriam was quick to ease the tension as if she could sense his uneasiness.
“OK, I’ll tell her. Will you be here…Jacob?”
“Jah, I’ll be here. Would be a shame if I missed such a special day for my gut friends.”
“So, you’ll be at Preaching tomorrow at the bishop’s, too, then?”
“I will.”
Kristen looked at him with a pensive expression. “I’m glad.” With that she took the wrapped pie slices and walked off.
~*~
When Kristen entered the kitchen to help with breakfast the next morning, neither Aunt Elizabeth or Mary made much of a fuss over her long, light green dress and darker green bandana. Although she did notice them exchange the quickest glances.
“Green suits you vell. I’ve been looking for a nice shade of green to make Anna a new school dress.” Mary touched the fabric, smiled, and then went about her breakfast tasks.
“Mary, I don’t want you to think I don’t like the dresses you made for me. I’m just not ready to wear them yet.” Kristen didn’t want to do anything more to hurt the feelings of any member of the family.
“Ach, they’re not going anywhere. Don’tcha worry yourself none at all.”
Kristen smiled and went to the stove to make the corn mush. A tug on her dress caused her to spin around.
Anna stood next to her. “You look nice, Kristen.”
“Oh, thank you, Anna. So do you.”
“Does that mean you’re coming to Preaching with us?”
“Yes, I think I’ll come, if there’s room.”
“We’ll take the familye buggy, so there’ll be room.”
Kristen turned to the deep familiar voice she’d come to know so well.
John was at the screened door looking at her, a smirk on his lips. He was handsome in his black trousers topped with a black vest over a white shirt. His blond thick hair was soft and shiny. Kristen was tempted to touch it. He held his black broad-rim hat in his hand.
“OK, good.” Kristen figured the less she said the better. Bad enough she was going to Preaching in a conservative, solid
long dress instead of the appropriate Plain dress with the white apron that was always worn to church services.
Still, it took her over an hour at the mall, with Angela’s help, to find three solid colored dresses that were simple and long enough to be considered modest to Amish eyes.
She’d come up with an excuse as to why she needed to sit in the back rather than with the family. She preferred not to cause them any embarrassment.
It would be so much easier to go upstairs and change into one of Mary’s homemade dresses, kapp, and apron. But would it, really? On the inside, she’d still be torn.
21
Kristen sat in the large Ebersol barn during her second church service. Could it be possible that she’d been with her Amish family for one full month already? Then again, sometimes it felt like nearly a year with all that had happened. And much longer than that since her mom’s accident. She missed her so much.
Looking ahead at the women on the benches before her, she wondered what she had in common with them. Other than being related to three of them, and little Anna, not much.
With her background, how could she fit in? She was all wrong from the very beginning. Born of an Amish mother in the Englisch world because her mom assumed Jacob had abandoned them.
She was the daughter of a shunned church member. Kristen doubted that any of these women present today had a past like hers.
John didn’t need a girl with a past.
What had she been thinking?
None of the women sat near her.
Aunt Miriam kept turning around and would then whisper something to Aunt Elizabeth.
Had Kristen simply worn the proper attire, she’d blend in, and no one would be leery of her. More than likely, these people never heard the expression, ‘Don’t judge a book by its cover.’ Then again, she herself had no idea what was under her outer appearance. How could she expect anyone else to? That was the whole confusing problem. To them, she was a stranger from the Englisch world. And in her heart, she was a stranger to her very self.