by Linda Maran
Kristen turned to the next entry.
March 16, 1997
Dearest Lord
It wonders me why Jacob hasn’t written me back. Best I write another letter in case the first one got lost in the mail somehow. These things happen.
I haven’t told a soul about the marriage or the boppli yet. If Daed comes to know, he’ll summon Jacob right back. Soon the whole district would learn of it. But that’s not as bad as it could be for a girl in my condition in an unmarried state. We did not sin in the eyes of God. That is a far worse fate. I shudder to think on it and am glad we married before such a fate befell us.
Kristen got up to stretch her legs and get a tissue from the box on the night stand. She peeked out the window. The police hadn’t moved. Then she sat back on the floor and continued to read.
March 23, 1997
Dearest Lord,
I am starting to panic now. Still no word from Jacob. I hope he is all right. Surely, someone would contact us here if something was wrong.
I had a bit of nausea this morning at the Amish Commons. Ross Maddok, the Englischer who always comes by each Saturday, had me sit down. He said I went pale in the face. I told him I hadn’t eaten much for breakfast, which is the truth. I am too nervous to eat these days.
Off I go now to write another letter. I might take this one to the post office rather than leave it in the mailbox here. I want the postal clerk to check that I have the proper zip code for the address of Jacob’s uncle.
Kristen couldn’t put the journal down. She turned the page.
March 30, 1997
Dearest Lord,
Today I had nausea for nearly the whole day, but it isn’t a sick feeling to me. It is a special reminder that our boppli is there inside me, growing. Truth be told, my joy would be overflowing if only I had heard back from Jacob with a happy response.
If I don’t hear back soon, I’ll make it my business to put a call through to his uncle’s phone shed from the phone shanty up the road here.
Kristen read more quickly now and turned to the next entry.
April 6, 1997
Dearest Lord,
This morning I was in such a bad way that I told Ross Maddok of my situation. He often stays to chat for a while after he makes his purchase. He told me he has a friend who owns a vacation house in the next county. This friend is in Europe for six months, and so Mr. Maddok is free to use the house whenever he likes. Mostly, he comes for the mountain air during weekends from his home in New Jersey. It’s a big house, he said and could use someone to clean it regular. He was mighty surprised that I’d never seen the ocean after he told me the location of his home.
Right in the middle of our conversation I burst into tears. I wanted to run and hide. But Mr. Maddok was very kind, and it didn’t take much prodding for me to tell him the whole of it. I think I was busting to say something to someone. I wanted so much for Jacob to be the first to know. Does he know, Lord? Has he received my letters? Why doesn’t he write back? It’s been one month today since I sent word of my news. Three letters ago.
Kristen wasn’t about to stop reading now.
April 13, 1998
Dearest Lord,
I got to the phone shanty just at sunup to call Jacob at his onkle’s place. I figured I’d catch him before he started the day. But Katie said that she’d just finished the breakfast dishes when she heard the ringing of the phone in the shed next to the house. Jacob had already gone out to work on building repairs. I asked if my letters had gotten there. She said that they had. My question made it obvious that her brother wasn’t writing me back. I was too upset to talk much more and hung up after asking Katie to let Jacob know that I called.
Just as Aunt Katie had told it.
Kristen turned another page.
April 20, 1998
Dearest Lord,
Ross Maddok came by again this morning for some fresh pie. He said he was going to cook up a shrimp boil. I gave him another surprise by never hearing of such a dish.
After our culinary chat, he asked if things had gotten any better with my situation. I didn’t have to say a word. I guess the strained look on my face from keeping back the tears gave him his answer.
I was completely shocked when he offered me a new life in New Jersey as his live-in help. He confided that he’d been eating in fast food places and that the house was a mess ever since he’d bought it several years back when he’d expected to live there with his fiancé. They parted ways a few weeks after the house was purchased. Seems he’d had his share of heartbreak, too. He asked me to think on the job offer. I hardly had a chance to say a word when Miriam showed up with the mini pies I’d forgotten.
I introduced them. Miriam gave me a funny look. I suppose it wondered her why I knew the Englischer by name. Please let Jacob contact me. How can he leave me at such a time? It’s just not like him. Not like him at all.
“Oh, Aunt Katie. You must have been really scared to death of being alone to do this!” Kristen didn’t even want to get up for another tissue. She read on.
April 27, 1998
Dearest Lord,
Each morning I awake to the disbelief that my dear Jacob has abandoned me and our unborn boppli. Katie said that the letters had gotten there OK, so he has to know the situation. I hope she told Jacob I called. It isn’t fitting for me to go visit him there without a proper invitation because no one knows we are married.
Ross Maddok came along late to The Amish Commons today. I began to feel nervous about it. I’ve accepted the fact that I must leave. With him. He wouldn’t hear of me going to one of those places for unwed mothers. Said I was entitled to vacation time, and he’d give me a few weeks when the time came. Part of me is glad for it.
Ross said he was later than usual because it had taken him time to heat up some of the leftover shrimp boil he’d brought in a thermal lunch container. Said it’d still be warm for me to have for lunch. It was. And tasty, too, despite the nausea. His kindness makes me less afraid.
April 28, 1998
Time is running out. I need to give Jacob one last chance. Proper or not, I will make the trip to Pennsylvania tomorrow by bus. Let him explain things to me face to face. Once I leave Stone Arabia, my family will no longer speak my name since the meidung will be placed upon me. I will miss them all so much. Therefore, I better make sure that I know what I am doing and why.
April 29, 1998
Dearest Lord,
It seems that Jacob has just up and left. Katie had no idea where or for how long. Or even if he’d ever be back again. Did our hasty marriage and the news of a boppli on the way scare him off? Where could he begin anew as a married man in any Amish community? I was so shocked and humiliated that I nearly gulped down the tea Katie gave me and left the pie so I could hurry to catch the next bus out. I suppose sending me to work in the Englisch world for a kind man who lives by the ocean, is Your way of coming to my aid.
I hardly know the man, yet he has opened his home to me. Lord, you know that I can never love anyone other than Jacob Mast. I made it clear to Ross that I am a married woman and will always be so. Perhaps one day Jacob will be back in my life if it is Your will. I’ll tell Miriam where I’ll be if he ever returns to Stone Arabia and expresses a desire to find me...find us.
“Two people in love thinking that each had abandoned the other. All because of Katie Mast. I guess if Mom and Dad can forgive her, then I’ll have to try harder to do the same. Real hard.” Kristen’s words echoed in the room and a deep sense of loneliness overtook her.
She’d continue the rest of the journal later. Her legs hurt from sitting on the floor and her stomach growled, even though she hadn’t regained her appetite after the shock of Alex’s foul note.
There was still the letter Mom had left for her. She hadn’t had the courage to read it yet. It was in her room in the drawer of her night table. Later, Mom. I promise.
~*~
When John and Daniel arrived at Jacob’s place to begin repairs on
Jacob’s carpentry shop, John was glad that it wasn’t as warm as it had been.
Katie invited them inside for some kaffee and blueberry pie before they got started.
Jacob was at the table eating a hearty piece and motioned for them to sit down. “Ach, I can hardly talk with such a mouthful of this gut pie. Go ahead, eat yourselves full. We’ll need the energy for the big job ahead out there. It’s been years since I took a hammer or a paint brush to that shop. I’m amazed the structure held up so vell.”
“Must be the location. The wind doesn’t wear away at it in that spot as much. We’ll have it in gut shape in no time.” John nodded in agreement with Daniel’s opinion. His brudder knew what he was talking about when it came to carpentry. He could probably do the whole job on his own in a day.
John and Jacob would more than likely be his helpers while he took on the bulk of the repairs.
“Kristen is coming back on Tuesday. I want to get this done before then. This will be a big surprise for her, for sure and for certain. I didn’t tell her I was moving back to Stone Arabia.” Jacob wore a huge smile as he reached for his cup of kaffee.
“She’ll be pleased about it, no doubt,” John agreed as Katie sat to join them.
That Katie Mast was more than happy over the whole thing was more than obvious. Her whole demeanor had changed.
It dawned on John that he’d never seen Katie smile in all these years that Jacob had been in Lowville. He’d always felt sorry for her going to Preaching alone. No familye to sit with. Now that would change. She had her brudder here again and also a niece in Kristen.
Maybe one day he and Kristen could expand on that—give Katie more nieces and nephews. Only time, circumstances, and of course, Gott’s plan, would tell. It was a prayer he never tired of each nacht at day’s end and each morgen at day’s start.
“Have you heard from her again, brudder?” Katie asked Jacob.
“Nee. She has much to do there before she comes back. I sent off a letter a day or so after I left there. Wanted to say denki for the visit. The haus is in a nice location being so near the ocean. I think she’ll have a tenant when everything is settled.”
“So, it looks like the north will be her home, then.” Katie patted Jacob’s arm, her smile, sure and confident.
John wished he felt that same assurance. What more did he need? She wrote that she’d be back on Tuesday and that she’d missed him too. Her haus would be up for rent. Jacob had moved back, and she’d now have her Amish vadder nearby. She had no familye there in New Jersey. She was, in fact, Amish by birth, so folks wouldn’t consider her an outsider trying to fit in. Or would they? Did it matter?
It did to him. For Kristen’s sake. He wanted her to feel velkummed and at home in their community. Maybe that’s the thing that bothered him most. What if Kristen never felt that this was her home? Would she forever be stuck between her former life and this one? “An unsettled soul is a restless one,” his grossmammi would say.
The kitchen door opened, and Aenti Miriam walked in. “Goede Mariye, all. I came to help make some refreshments and lunch for our hard workers.” Her smile went directly to Jacob, who promptly returned it.
“Vell, vell, vell. Aenti Miriam sparked the interest of Jacob Mast after all these years,” John whispered to Daniel.
They both chuckled.
“Something amusing, boys?” Aenti Miriam had her hands on her hips.
“Nee, just glad to see everyone so happy this morgen,” John said, keeping a straight face.
Aenti Miriam squinted her eyes at him, and then walked to the counter to help Katie.
When John looked over at Jacob and Daniel, the two of them quickly stood wearing wide grins. John repressed another chuckle until they got outside to begin a day of work.
He’d never seen Aenti Miriam smitten before.
~*~
When Kristen turned on the lamp atop the night stand to read the remainder of Mom’s journal, Mom’s letter was at the forefront of her mind. Why had she put off reading it? What could be more shocking than the letters the bishop read and these journal entries?
She’d read it right after she finished Mom’s journal as a closure to it all. Yes, that made sense. Kristen turned to the last entry she’d bookmarked and turned the page.
May 2, 1998
My Dearest Lord,
There is no doubt now that Jacob will not be in touch with me. I have to go away and leave behind my family and beautiful upstate, New York. Ross said that Bradley Beach is beautiful, too, in a different way. Here, we have the mountains and streams. There, they have the ocean and beaches.
I had to tell at least one person of my plan or my family will think something awful bad happened. I chose to tell Miriam, my eldest sister. She came by The Amish Commons again today. And again, Ross was there with me. I think she suspected something before I said a word. I told her that I was with child, which would surely show had I not let out my dress, and had to go away to New Jersey. She didn’t ask many questions, and I didn’t have the chance to give details. We had to talk quickly while Ross was speaking to another Englischer who came to buy fruit preserves, and I had a few free moments. It is not easy to talk privately at home, and there is no more time. I am leaving tonight. I repeated the words: New Jersey, to Miriam, so she’d remember where I was…just in case. I added: Bradley Beach, but am not sure she heard as she turned to go.
I wrote a letter for Miriam to give to Mamm and Daed after I am gone. I told her where to find it. Miriam was not for the idea at all, but she agreed to do me this special favor. I know she thinks that Ross is the father of my boppli. Just as well. Jacob knows the truth of it, and that’s all that matters to me.
I ask for blessings for this new path I will take. And please watch over this unborn innocent life I carry within me. How sad I am to take this boppli away from all that I have come to love. Especially, Jacob Mast.
“Mom! Oh, Mom! This is crazy. Just plain crazy! You should have told your father the truth about marrying Jacob. He’d made sure that Jacob was found. And then Katie would have had to confess back then. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. I guess what’s done is done.”
The date of the next entry surprised Kristen. It was only two and a half years ago.
October 4, 2014
Dearest Lord,
I haven’t written in this journal for many long years. But tonight my usual Our Father and the few favorite psalms I’ve come to read will not do. My heart is both broken and relieved.
Jacob Mast never abandoned me and Kristen. His letters reached me after all this time.
I am so ashamed for doubting him. But the situation back then brought panic and humiliation so great that I couldn’t think of anything else to do, other than go away.
In so doing, I’ve hurt Jacob and denied him a happy life and kinner. I’ve hurt Ross by never loving him as I sensed he’d hoped I would at the beginning before he met Mattie. Still, the great kindness and generosity he showed me and Kristen never wavered. I’ve hurt Mamm, Daed, and my sisters and brother, for the shame I brought upon them by leaving the faith and being placed under the Bann. And I’ve hurt my very own daughter by denying her the life she should have been born to; a peaceful, simple life with two parents and siblings to grow up with and sit at the dinner table with. I fear that my choice has done harm to her. Still, she turned out to be a good girl. Smart, responsible, and kind. Ross was always there for advice – a father-figure for sure.
I can easily harbor deep anger toward Katie Mast for keeping Jacob and me apart. But her apology and words of deep regret are ones I truly understand. Fear prompted both of us to our fate. Grant us mercy.
There was one more page left to read. Kristen turned to the final entry, dated May with no year. It had a completely different feel to it. Mom’s words were…happy.
29
My dearest Lord,
After much prayer and rereading of Jacob’s letters, I’ve come to realize that You are giving me a second chance. Maybe I can mak
e things right after all.
First, I need to tell Kristen who she is. Ross and I had a long discussion about it, and he is in agreement. He’ll soon be marrying Mattie Cook, and she will live here, which means he’ll have much less need of my cleaning and cooking, and more need of privacy.
I will be forever grateful for his generosity and care for us all these years. I can work at a hotel or keep house anywhere. Which brings me to the third thing…
I’m thinking of moving with Kristen to Palatine. I know I’m shunned and cannot see or speak to my family or the friends I’d had, including Jacob. But I still plan to see the bishop to tell of the situation which led me to my choices back then. Maybe he will pave the way for Kristen to have no stigma placed upon her due to my actions. It’s the one thing I will ask of Katie Mast. To stand by me in my testimony. She is, after all, repentant. I know that once the truth is out, that my family will accept and love Kristen as one of their own. How nice it would be for her to have aenties, onkles, and cousins in her life. And eventually, dear Jacob.
I so much want Kristen to experience the Plain life, even if just for a period of time. I know that not all communities are perfect, but we are blessed without much troubles. I want her to know the simplicity, the sense of family and community, to gaze at the fields, farms, mountains, and streams. If she is drawn to such a life, she’ll surely know it. May You bless the journey to her roots, Lord.
Kristen ran her hand over her mom’s last entry. One of hopes, dreams, and second chances.
“It was almost your happy-ever-after, Mom,” Kristen whispered with a sob. She closed the book and set it aside. For the moment all she could do was sit and weep into her hands.
~*~
The late afternoon sun had begun to set, and the room flooded with a golden light. This was Kristen’s favorite part of the day, and she’d often walked on the beach at this time.