MUSICAroLina

by Daniel William Gunning

  We will start refreshed, anew ready for a day of fun, frivolity and play.

  And from now each night you stay here hence at drastically reduced pay.

  I think this offer to be more than fair, of this I hope we are all agreed.

  So with my sincere apology out of the way perhaps we finally can proceed.

  So, my dearies, I’ve said I’m very sorry; what more could I possibly say?

  What can I say that will convince you that for breakfast you must stay?

  I promise you that whatever you can ask of me I will vastly exceed.

  For breakfast I’ll use china and the good silverware; it’ll be a matinee.

  So whatever you want to make this right I’ll do for you, even the risqué.

  If you want, I’ll make your eggs and toast wearing a skimpy negligee.

  So if you’ll head to the dining room, it’ll be my honor for you to feed.

  And if you’re feeling adventurous I can lace your omelets with weed.

  As she finished, she stretched her arms out once again as far as they could reach, in a grand gesture, toward the direction of the dining room. As if they were supposed to, and she half expected them to, dance right on in and eat a hearty, marijuana-laced breakfast as the big encore. John and Kurt instead said absolutely nothing to her, or to each other for that matter; they merely turned and as one, hurried out the front door as fast as their legs could carry them.

  ***

  Once they were safely out on the street, leaving the bizarre songstress Miss Bay well behind them, still holding that grand pose she had struck at the end of her number, Kurt asked, “What the psycho-singin’-senior-center was that?”

  “I’m not really sure, Kurt, but my initial diagnosis would be that Granny back there has been hitting the glaucoma medication a wee bit too hard.”

  “Really, that’s your explanation? That’s what you are going with? The flowers, the birds, the thrilling musical number, and... am I crazy, or did she just sexually harass us and offer us illegal narcotics? You think all that was caused by a little old lady partaking in a wee bit too much glaucoma medication?”

  “Okay, fair enough; so maybe she’s on crack.”

  “Maybe? Maybe!? And where was all the accompanying music coming from anyway, John, hm? Tell me where!?”

  “Look, I’ll admit it’s weird; it’s Tim Burton-on-acid weird, it’s pants-soiling weird even, I’ll give you that, but it doesn’t matter. We’ve just got to focus on getting Jack and getting out of here. That’s all that matters right now. The plan is the same as earlier; we can still dissect to death just how weird it was on the way out of town.”

  “You know what? You’re probably right. So, what’s the plan?”

  “I don’t know, really. I suppose the safest thing to do is just drive through town and see if we can spot him.”

  “Well, if we’re going to do that, can we at least get some breakfast first?”

  “I’m sorry; weren’t you the one just making a scene about eight-point-five seconds ago and now you want to stop for some light breakfast?”

  “Well, we’ve got to eat somewhere and I’m certainly not going back there; at least, not without some professionals and a really big butterfly net.”

  “Fine, we can get some breakfast. We may as well look for Jack at Sutter’s, anyway. I doubt there are many restaurants in a town this size. Maybe we’ll get extremely lucky and he’ll be eating there. I’d really like to put this town in my rearview mirror as soon as possible.”

  “Me too, brother; this place gives me the creeps.”

  “Come on, we can walk it,” John said, starting off down the road toward Sutter’s. “You know, now that I think about it; this town is kind of like Miss Bay, really. It’s all so sweet that it’s almost frightening.”

  “I know! It’s like she’s lulling you into some kind of false sense of security so she can smother you in your sleep with your own pillow, have you stuffed in her secret basement taxidermy business, all to populate her rooms with all the traveling vagrants she’s murdered in her sick, twisted little trap.”

  “Thanks for that, Kurt. No, really; I mean it, thanks.”

  “Anything I can do to help, pal.”

  “You know what’s weird? All of this happens just as I was starting to recover from the memory of that zombie group that surrounded us outside of town last night.”

  “Yeah, what was up with that, anyway? Some kind of crazy hillbilly voodoo, I bet ya!”

  “Now, that’s just plain ridiculous. I’m reasonably certain hillbillies are not known for their voodoo. I saw a TV show with some hillbillies on it once; they were rich and a li’l off, but to the best of my recollection they never practiced the dark arts.”

  “Really? Well, they should remake it then.”

  “They already did that, still no voodoo, hoodoo, witchcraft, or supernatural heebie jeebies whatsoever.”

  “Oh man, that remake must have just plain sucked.”

  “Well it did, but those are entirely separate issues.”

  “Still it doesn’t mean there couldn’t be a clan of Satanist, voodoo-practicing hillbillies out here. I mean; a fellow can dream, right?”

  “Yeah, let’s hope for that; or we could just find Jack before something weirder happens.”

  As they proceeded through the streets, the people passing by them all smiled, nodded, and said things like “Hello, John and Kurt,” or “Welcome.” It was unlike the harsh stares people get in the big city, where no one acknowledges their existence as they hurriedly rush by them, completely self-involved, on the street; but in a way, it was more unsettling.

  “Uh, how is it that every single stranger we pass by seems to know our names, John?” Kurt asked nervously.

  “I don’t know; it’s a small town. I’m sure things get around. Hey, maybe the birds told them,” John said, trying to diffuse the uneasy moment with some humor.

  “That’s not helping, John. Seriously, could this place get any weirder?” Kurt asked. They didn’t have a moment to regret Kurt’s tempting of the Fates. Just then, as if on cue, people stopped on the street; others came dancing out of the front doors of their homes and out of alleyways. One even came sliding in off a rooftop, breaking his leg upon impact, forcing the shattered bone out through the skin, but all began to sing and dance. Even broken-leg guy, whose injured limb flailed wildly, spraying blood with every movement. He still grinned stupidly and sang along with the crowd:

  We welcome you here, travelers, though weary and tired.

  And with this song we hope you may be truly inspired.

  Welcome to our town, which soon will be your home,

  For once in Musicarolina, you no longer yearn to roam.

  We welcome you to our town with this our simple song.

  And we assure you, sincerely, that this is where you belong.

  This is a place where all your dreams can finally come true.

  This is a glorious place where you finally are accepted as you.

  We do not judge or discriminate; we gladly welcome all.

  You have arrived here safely, we’re glad you heard our call.

  So now that you’re with us we’re asking you please to stay.

  We want you to cease your long travels and never go away.

  This is a place where you can take a much deserved rest.

  For if we may say so of all towns, ours is truly the best.

  For here in Musicarolina we laugh, we love, we sing.

  To us the sound of music is the most beautiful thing.

  So we ask you to join us here with open hearts.

  This is the place where your future finally starts.

  We know that you have traveled both near and far.

  And we know what type of men that you truly are.

  But be not afraid, our friends; for we gladly welcome you.

  We only hope you can feel the same way about us, too.

  Here you’ll find you can be blissfully happy for all time.


  To leave here would be truly the most heinous crime.

  So please join us, say that you never want to leave.

  We’re asking you in a song, hearts worn on our sleeves.

  Come join us, please join us here, join us in our dance.

  And you’ll learn to love us if you give us half a chance.

  We know that you can find peace and happiness here.

  For Musicarolina is a place of joy, of endless cheer.

  So sit back; relax, our friends, let the song wash over you.

  And know that now that you’re here you’ll never ever be blue.

  So what do you say? Can you stay here at least a little while?

  Why look so terrified, good sirs? Come on, now; give us a smile!

  We promise you that there is no menace, nothing to fear.

  Just good times, laughter, singin’, and probably some beer.

  Sit down in the bar, take a load off, have some food and drink.

  And take some time to ponder our offer, please really think.

  We know you may find this show, this singing a bit bizarre.

  But you’ll come to enjoy it, yes, sir; and take things as they are.

  So we greatly look forward to getting to know you better, boys.

  It’s like Christmas morning and we just got three shiny new toys.

  So enjoy your breakfast just as we hope you enjoyed this song.

  We assure you it’s not the odd result of you hitting the bong.

  You’ve at last come to the place where your journey ends.

  And it’s a place with hundreds of fancy, swingin’ new friends.

  Welcome to Musicarolina, the red carpet we’ve now unfurled.

  Join us forever in the most musical place in this or any other world!

  John and Kurt stood there for a moment, utterly dumbfounded by this latest bizarre, musical outburst. They looked at the people standing there, frozen, their arms outstretched as if they were waiting for a round of applause in recognition of their big number. John and Kurt looked slowly at each other, then once again back at the frozen crowd, then back at each other again. They slowly, in unison, began to back away in the direction of Sutter’s. They backed the entire way down the street, up to the door and even through the door. All throughout this slow, nervous retreat, they never took their eyes off of the smiling crowd, nor in turn, did that crowd move even a single muscle. They shut the door tightly upon entry, still watching the crowd for their next move, unable to fathom what it may be. Once they got into Sutter’s and shut the door firmly, the crowd, as one, shrugged and then bustled off as if nothing out of the ordinary had just happened. Some chatted with each other; some headed back indoors, others headed down the street toward unknown destinations. The one that had slid in from the roof collapsed and began rolling around in pain, grasping the protruding bone in his shattered leg, blood squirting through his fingers as he yelled, “Worth it!”

  Kurt looked at John and said, “Does that qualify as something weirder?”

  “Quite frankly, Kurt, I think I would’ve preferred the clan of Satanist, voodoo-practicing hillbillies.”

  CHAPTER 6

  IT MAY BE TIME TO GET OUTTA DODGE

  John and Kurt stood behind the glass door of Sutter’s, watching the crowd carefully for any movement in their direction as it dissipated. The two wore a look that was an equal mixture of both wonder and terror. They looked at each other completely bewildered, not knowing what to say about the fantastic events that had just transpired before their eyes. Finally, Kurt gathered himself enough to speak up, saying, “Okay. What in the name of all that is good and holy and currently showing on Broadway was that?”

  “Well, I’m going to go way out on a limb here and venture a guess that it could possibly be one of three things. One, it could be some form of a really wacky and more than a little misguided gimmick; invented to amuse and delight unsuspecting tourists, that actually could gain them a massive fortune selling adult diapers in all the gift shops. Two, it might be some form of mass hysteria led by an overly aggressive and way more than potentially deranged Optimist Club of Musicarolina. Perhaps, it could be number three; we’ve both had some kind of simultaneous debilitating strokes and imagined the whole silly thing.”

  “Sadly, out of those available options, I’m hoping that I had the world’s most debilitating stroke, like, ever,” Kurt surmised despondently. They then turned to survey the interior of Sutter’s. There were no people seated at the tables inside; the diner was completely empty. Food was still on plates at several of them, however; all in various stages of being eaten, but all had been similarly abandoned there. As if seeing their unattended meals being eyed, the customers gradually began to file back into Sutter’s. They moved past John and Kurt, who stepped out of their way as they entered the diner. It was as if the two weren’t standing there at all; the customers did not even acknowledge their existence for one moment, as if they were all in an almost-trancelike state. They all returned to the various tables that they had left for their big musical number and then reached for their utensils to continue with their meals. This final, single action apparently broke whatever spell had held them in this trance, as each of them stopped eating for a moment, turned, and offered their greetings to John and Kurt.

  “Yeah, good morning, freakos,” John muttered under his breath. He nodded toward the bar. John and Kurt walked over and each sat uneasily on a barstool, occasionally glancing nervously back at the patrons, wary of what they might do next. They hadn’t seen Sutter enter with the crowd, but he was there all the same. They figured he must have snuck in while their attention was on the rest of the crowd, but they didn’t dwell on this mystery for long. Sutter sauntered up to them from across the bar and said, “Can I get you young fellas anything this fine morning?”

  “Yes sir, I think you can. I don’t suppose that we can get liquor this early in the day, can we? I mean the really hard stuff too; the hardest you’ve got, in fact, and lots of it,” Kurt asked desperately.

  “No, you most certainly can’t, I’m a-feared. I’m not rightly sure I have anything left in the joint anyway. I think your li’l friend pretty much drank up my entire stock last night. I do declare, I have never seen a good ol’ boy put down that much liquor in that short a time in my life, which is sayin’ quite a bit, I reckon. I can get you some coffee though. Strangely enough, he didn’t touch a lick o’ that.”

  “I don’t think that’ll do it. I don’t think that’ll do it at all,” Kurt replied despondently.

  “I suppose you saw that whole big stage routine out there? Maybe even were a part of the chorus line?” John asked him.

  “I’m sorry. What routine do you mean, young feller?”

  “Um, what routine? How many big routines do you think we’ve seen today? Actually, we’ve seen two; which is incredible, but not relevant. I mean, the giant singing, dancing routine; the whole town’s sudden impromptu show tune thing they did for us out there, that routine.”

  “Why, I certainly didn’t see anything like that today. By the way you so colorfully describe it, sure sounds like it’d be mighty hard for me to have missed somethin’ like that,” Sutter replied, looking at them slightly mystified. John and Kurt looked at each other warily, then Sutter burst out laughing. “Naw, I’m only messin’ with you young bucks; of course I seen it! Quite good too, if I do say so myself; one of our very best. I even did a bit of a solo jig there if you was a-watchin’; so, what about it?”

  “I’m sorry, what about it? I suppose you’re going to tell us that sort of thing just happens all the time around here, right? I suppose it’s just one of those things?”

  “Oh, shoot, I see what you’re saying now. I suppose it may seem somewhat peculiar to you big city folks, but that there is what put this here town on the map. Not a big spot on the map, mind you, but a spot nonetheless.”

  “And you don’t find it all just a tad bit, I don’t know, insane?”

  “Sure don�
�t, but then again, the liquor helps.”

  “Yeah, the liquor, what are you doing here anyway if you can’t serve liquor? Were you here all night? Don’t you sleep?”

  “No, I surely don’t,” he said grinning broadly. They couldn’t tell if he was joking or not, but they didn’t have time to think about it, nor at this point did they truly want to.

  They whipped around as the door was flung open, expecting to see the singing crowd bursting in or something far worse, not that they could think of something worse right now, mind you. Instead, Mac came stumbling into the restaurant. Incredulously, he said, “Hey, why’d you guys leave without me? I woke up all alone, in some strange old lady’s house, in a giant puddle of my own vomit and urine and suddenly I flashed back to my senior prom. Ah, good times! Wait, what was I mad about again? Oh, hey man, speaking of weird—I must have had way too much to drink last night, because I could swear I just saw the entire town do some kind of carefully choreographed song and dance number. I’m pretty sure that old lady at the place we’re staying at tried to sing me into staying with her this morning too. Oh, and dudes, I think she may be dealing drugs—shhhh!” Mac said, lifting a finger to his lips. They both just shook their heads at Mac’s rambling speech.

  “No, that wasn’t the liquor for once, Mac. You see, we apparently have accidentally stumbled into a town comprised entirely of—from what I can tell so far—frustrated former Broadway performers,” Kurt replied.

  “Oh man, that’s really weird; I need more liquor,” Mac said. He then plopped down at the bar, lay his head down and was snoring loudly within seconds. Mr. Sutter, seemingly losing interest in them, moved to the other end of the bar and began chatting with some of the other diner patrons, only occasionally glancing back their way.

  “So, John, what’s the plan for finding your brother now, because I’m here to tell ya if the plan was to blend in and not call any undue attention to ourselves, it’s going to be spectacularly hard to pull off in this particular town.”

  “If my brother has got any sense in that head of his at all, which I sincerely hope he does, he got out of this freak-o town right after their first big, musical can-can number and is probably desperately trying to call us and warn us about it as we speak. He just can’t get through to us because of the whole crazy no-cell-coverage thing. I’ll tell you another thing; it’s no wonder they don’t want cell phones here. If anyone started calling and telling people about this place they’d burn it to the ground, well, either that or it’d become some sort of weird Mecca for show tune-obsessed losers and the criminally insane.”