MUSICAroLina

by Daniel William Gunning

  “Technically, not to be that guy, but I think she said it was only the one monster, not monsters, plural.”

  “Seriously, not the time, bro. Also, do you honestly think it really matters how many monsters eat a guy, really? I’m sure the guy is still plenty eaten.”

  “Sorry man, I was just trying to lighten the mood a little. Truth is, I don’t really know what to say.”

  “Of course you don’t know what to say! No one in the history of Creation would know what to say about this, and do you know what the worst part of this whole insane monster musical ordeal really is?”

  “I’m not quite sure, really. You could rightly say that we’ve been absolutely spoiled rich with fabulous choices.”

  “The worst part, Kurt, is that we have zero chance to get any form of payback. Even if Chuck Norris himself rode into town on the back of some kind of robotic battle unicorn and joined in our righteous cause, they’ve still got a town full of murderous singing zombies, a shotgun sheriff, Mayor McMurder, and at least one monster that we know of and all we have is this!” John shouted, completely flustered, reaching down and freeing the gun from its hiding place underneath his mattress, where he had placed it the night before.

  “Oh, hey, we’ve got a gun. Well, they just better watch out now; we’re packing heat! Come to think of it, we’re sure this one is loaded, right?”

  John, immediately taking his point and panicking a little, slid out the clip, checked for bullets and replied, “Hey, it must be our lucky day; it is. Great, so here’s where we stand then; we’ve got one clip of bullets and with that we need to find a way to kill the entire town’s population and possibly slay us some monsters. Now, how do you like ‘dem odds?”

  “Well, I will say, they’re no worse than Chicago’s chances at winning the Series,” Kurt replied coolly and without hesitation.

  “Isn’t there something we haven’t considered yet?” Mac asked meekly, interrupting them from the doorway.

  “I’m sure there are a lot of things we haven’t even begun to consider given our current state of affairs; which one are you specifically thinking of?” John answered him.

  “Why don’t we just stay?”

  “I’m sorry; did you just suggest that we stay here? Were you not paying attention to the entire incredibly vivid scenario I just laid out for you, or for that matter, the entire chain of events over the last day, or are you still just that unbelievably drunk?”

  “Yeah, I mean it’s crazy and all; I get that, but why throw away a chance at eternal life? I mean, just stop to think about this for a second, really think. If you can just get past everything that’s so nuts about this town, you are left with the single amazing, miraculous fact that here you can live forever. I mean, if the rather unpleasant alternative is a town of singing psychos trying to kill us, shouldn’t we at least take a second to consider it?

  “No Mac, I’m not going to consider it. I’m not actually going to think about that for one nanosecond. I’ll tell you one thing that’s indisputably true, amongst all these mountains of madness. I, for one, am not going to roll over like a good li’l doggy and join the happy masses in singing my way through all eternity. Furthermore, to that end, I’m certainly not going to be doing a smiley song and dance with the people that threatened to murder me, in a town where monsters ate my brother! Are you at least with me, Kurt?” he said, turning to his other friend, clearly infuriated by Mac’s suggestion.

  “Oh, believe me, I am soooo with you and, again, it was monster, not monsters. Let’s be optimistic about this. We can take on one little ol’ monster, right?” Kurt replied. John shot him a disapproving glare.

  “Fine then, I was just asking, that’s all. I can see you’re still pretty sensitive about the whole thing, my bad,” Mac replied. Realizing he would not sway his companions’ opinion and was quite possibly risking his own life while trying to do so, he opened the door and left them there, closing it softly behind him. Sighing deeply, he headed back toward their other room.

  Kurt watched him leave, shook his head and asked, “What’s the plan then, John? I’m hoping you have one and a really good one at that, ‘cuz I got nuttin’ here and I think we’re going to need a doozy of a plan this time ‘round.”

  “Well, in the proudest tradition of every hackneyed super villain in history and what they have been known to so fondly say for the last several centuries, my plan is sheer elegance in its simplicity.”

  “Sounds great, what is it?”

  “Quite simply, we get in our car and we drive back to the railroad tracks. Once we get there, since the train so helpfully travels slowly enough for our current purposes, we ditch the car by the tracks and we jump on the train. Once we are on it, we merely cross over it and drop down onto the other side. We then walk the rest of the way down that long dirt road and then we play a little game of Red Rover with the freaks in the next town if we have to. Then, we steal a car, drive back to the city, get our weapons stash, all of our weapons stashes, come back and we burn this mother to the ground. If anyone, whether they be man or monster, gets in our way between here and there, we shoot them right in their stupid faces.”

  “So, the streets will run red with the blood of murderous minstrels, then?”

  “That’s the plan Kurt; like it?”

  “It’s simple, violent, and hopelessly optimistic. I love it.”

  “Let’s get Mac, then,” John said, rising from the bed with a renewed sense of vigor.

  ***

  John and Kurt hurriedly headed back into the hall. They rushed to Mac’s room, eager to set their escape plan into motion, and opened the door. “Come on, Mac, we’re getting out of this freak show!” John shouted, but Mac was nowhere to be seen. “Mac?” John asked, looking around. It was then that he noticed a hastily scrawled note lying on the corner of the bed. He walked over, picked it up and began to read.

  “What happened; where is he? Do you think they took him?” Kurt asked.

  “No, they didn’t take him; here, look,” John said regretfully, while handing Kurt the note.

  Kurt took the note from him. He read, “Hey guys, its Mac. Look, I’m really sorry about your brother and all; I truly am. You know that, but you guys simply aren’t thinking clearly about this. We’ve managed to stumble onto the greatest opportunity in the history of mankind. Everyone dreams of living forever and we have a chance here to actually do just that! I’m sorry, but there is simply no way that I can just walk away from that. So what if all the singing seems strange to you at first? If you ask me, it’s a small price to pay for eternal life; especially if the choices really are live forever or die horribly. I’m sure if you just take some time and think about it, you’ll realize that I’m right. So I’m sorry, but I’m going to that town hall meeting tonight and I’m going to become a citizen, and I think that you should too. Seriously, guys, think about it. Eternal life, that kind of chance only comes along once in a lifetime.”

  Kurt let go, utterly appalled, and let the note drift to the floor. Astounded, he repeated, “Eternal life only comes along once in a lifetime?”

  “At least we know they didn’t forge the note.”

  “Well, what do we do now, pal?”

  “I’ll tell you what we do. We try to cut that stupid boozer off at the pass, before he gets to the town hall and sells his soul for an eternity, pickling his liver and singing drunken sea shanties to bar patrons for nickels.”

  “And what if we don’t get to him on time?”

  “Then we shoot him in the kneecap and we drag his sorry butt out of town with us.”

  “Sounds good, only...”

  “Only what?”

  “Well, it’s just if one of us gets to shoot him and you’ve got our only gun. Logically, I guess that means you get to be the one to do it. It’s just that hardly seems fair to me. I mean, I’m pretty sure he’s annoyed me on this trip just as much as he has you. Why shouldn’t I get to be the one to shoot him in the kneecap?”

  “Do you s
ecretly have a gun on you anywhere, Kurt?”

  “No, that was pretty much the entirety of my point there.”

  “When you learn to hide your own backup gun so it’s not stolen by a bunch of sneaky Satanist singers, then you can shoot your friends with it.”

  “Ooooh,” Kurt sighed dejectedly.

  “Come on, let’s get to him while there’s still time!” With that, they ran down the stairs. They paused briefly at the front when they noticed, with a chill, that Miss Bay wasn’t still seated at her usual place behind her desk; presumably, she had left for the meeting with Mac, or at least they sincerely hoped it was that. They quickly realized that it really didn’t matter anyway; and they barreled out the front door and started off back toward the town hall.

  CHAPTER 11

  TOWN HALL OR TOWN HELL?

  John and Kurt made their way swiftly, but stealthily as possible, along the now deserted main street of Musicarolina heading toward the town hall. They hung as close as humanly possible to the buildings, using their shadows and the natural cover the recent nightfall had afforded them, to shroud their movements. They looked around the quiet, empty streets, warily searching for any signs of life. Both of them appeared extraordinarily nervous and paranoid as if they fully expected the shadows themselves to spring to life and morph into some kind of horrific monster or apparition. There was, however, nothing to be seen. The town looked just as it had on the night they’d first arrived; all of the cars were either parked safely in their driveways or had simply been left along the street. Some were parked carefully by the curb, whilst others had simply been abandoned haphazardly in the middle of the road. In fact, eerily, some had their doors still hanging wide open as if they occupants had been forced to leave with the utmost urgency. Several of the houses had all their lights turned on, but still they observed no one, and nothing stirring inside. Not one person moved amongst the shadows or scrambled down the street. Not even a lone animal skittered by, and the only sound to be heard in that supernatural, tranquil night was the lonesome howls of the wolves. One almost expected to see a tumbleweed roll on by, but there wasn’t even that much motion in the vacant streets. If they had just been arriving here, at this moment and didn’t know, all too well, what manner of strangeness went on in the town during the daytime, it’d appear to them to be some form of ghost town, although they weren’t willing to completely rule out the possibility of there actually being ghosts in this unnatural village. In fact, here in this still and disquieting night, it seemed far more plausible, if not downright probable.

  “John, do you really think this is the smartest play for us here? I mean, we are heading into the literal belly of the beast here, all to rescue someone that from all appearances doesn’t want to be rescued. I mean, call me crazy, but that doesn’t sound like the greatest plan,” Kurt asked in a hushed whisper as they trotted briskly along, still keeping quiet just in case someone or something was still lurking in the darkness, watching them from somewhere in the night, just beyond their view and listening to their every word.

  “Oh, believe me, he wants to be rescued, but the darn fool just killed too many of his brain cells with all his drinking to know what he’s doing right now. It’s a shame, too; you and I both know he had precious little to start with,” John replied coldly.

  “Look John, I know you don’t want to hear this and please don’t massacre the messenger, but he may be thinking somewhat clearly this time; at least, more than we are right now willing to give him credit for. In fact, to be completely fair to Mac, if we just stop, take a big, giant leap back and give him the slightest, most miniscule benefit of the doubt for just a microsecond, he does have a legitimate point, or at least, I believe he fully thinks he does. You have to admit, if you’re being truly honest with yourself, it is a hard thing to pass up eternal youth and life for anyone. Let’s face it; he’d be way too drunk to even notice the singing and dancing most the time, let alone have it bother him too much.”

  “Yeah, and I suppose, by that logic, he’d simply think the pesky monster infestation was all merely a wild figment of his booze-fueled imagination. I guess that’s true; I’ll grant you that, but what’s the point? What are you saying, Kurt? Are you actually suggesting we should consider the mayor’s offer? Is that what you really want, to spend an eternity in some sort of never-ending improvisational musical? Is that what you really want, Twinkle Toes?”

  “Hey, calm down, man; I’m still on your side in all this. I don’t want to end up spending my life, or afterlife as the case may be, in the hell of eternal Broadway shows. I’m just saying he may actually have his own reasons for staying and they might, just might be slightly valid, at least to him. At the very least, all I’m saying is that I can see how it would be incredibly tempting for him to stay. Think about it, our future back in the real world, after the epic stunt that we just pulled, is pretty bleak, to put it mildly. Most likely, it’s bound to be tragic and fatal on darn near Shakespearean levels, if we’re being honest with each other. Even if we do manage to live through whatever this all is and get back to the outside world, we’ll always be on the run from everyone that we just went out of our way to tick off to no end. Let’s face it, bro; we chorus line-kicked a lot of hornet’s nests back there and they won’t just stop coming after us any time soon, if ever. At least here he can avoid all that; just lie back, forget about all his past and present troubles and woes, and just let the centuries drift by in a peaceful, blissful, drunken haze.”

  “And is that how you want to live your life? Do you think that if he were ever to sober up, for even a minute, to notice what’s going on all around him, that he would think that’s what he really wants?”

  “Nah, but he ain’t been sober since I’ve known him. Now, if you’re asking about me personally, I’d much rather spend eternity in the nice cozy fires of hell rather than this place. Of course, knowing my luck, when I get there, my hell would be exactly like this, except everyone sings off-key or they only know songs from nineties boy bands, or God forbid, country music,” Kurt replied. Just as he finished his sentence, they arrived at the front door of the town hall. There was a large, official-looking sign hanging on the front door that read, “Town Meeting is in session now. All visitors who wish to apply for citizenship should already be inside by now. If you are a visitor to our fair town and you still wish to become a citizen, please come back before the start of the next night’s meeting. We have meetings every night, conveniently at the same time; therefore, no late visitors will be allowed either entrance or citizenship for any reason. Do not despair though; as we said, there are meetings every night beginning promptly at nightfall and not one second after. We hope you will join us at one soon,” and then ominously, someone had hand-written on the bottom of the sign, in what they hoped was simply blood-red ink, “and you will join us soon John and Kurt.”

  “Well, that’s certainly not a good sign,” Kurt said nervously.

  “Yeah, they really skimped on it, didn’t they? I was expecting a real fancy marble job, but they couldn’t even spring for cheap wood, could they? Most disappointing.”

  “Not what I meant, but it certainly is good to see your sense of humor is still functioning normally.”

  “Thanks, I do what I can. Now to be honest, out of everything I’ve seen in this town, the last thing I’m going to be the least bit worried about is some stupid sign, even with their scaaaary red ink,” John replied defiantly.

  “Look, I’m just going to throw this out there. Mac is perfectly happy being here right now. Couldn’t we just get out of here ourselves and come back for him, once we’ve got enough firepower and explosives to level this place a hundred times over? I don’t know about you, but massively superior firepower always makes me feel more comfortable.”

  “That is a reasonable plan; I understand your feelings and they are important to me. You can go off and be reasonable if you want to be, Kurt, but I already lost my only brother to this place and I am not leaving a friend behind to
become Monster Chow too. So, are we doing this?”

  “Oh, I am soooo in. Let’s face it; without me, you’ll be dead before the first chorus. All right, I guess that’s all settled then; I was just making sure. Just ‘John and Kurt’, the sign says. I guess that confirms, beyond a shadow of a reasonable doubt, that Mac made it to the meeting on time.

  “I suppose so, lucky him. I guess that means we’ll have to go in and rescue the stupid S.O.B. I swear, he better buy us something super nice for Christmas this year after all this noise, or I’ll throw him to the monsters myself. I hope you’re ready to get your hero on,” John said reaching for the door handle.

  “Wait!” Kurt shouted, and then clasped his hand quickly over his mouth as he suddenly remembered they were trying to keep quiet.

  “What?” John said, glaring at Kurt and then surveying their surroundings to see if there had been any noticeable reaction to this sudden disturbance.

  “Have you noticed just how quiet it is in there?”

  “Yes, I did. I suppose this is the part of the made-for-TV horror movie when I’m supposed to say ‘almost too quiet’?”

  “Yeah, I agree; it’s cliché, but it doesn’t make it any less true.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Think about it, dude. Here we are at the front door, the literal gate to hell, of a town meeting for a place that’s filled to the brim and, yes, probably massively overflowing with people who are forced by, I don’t know, mind control, witchcraft, or some kind of mad scientist thingy, it doesn’t really matter, not the point, to sing at every given opportunity. To the best of our knowledge, the entire singing choir of the damned is all right behind this very door and yet, we don’t hear so much as kid badly playing the harmonica?”