The Valkyrie

by Charlotte Vassell

  “Nope, enlighten me.”

  “It was fucking terrifying. She made light work out some of the mentalist Berserkers they have.”

  “What do you think of Bea?”

  “I can’t make my mind up. She’s very clever. You can see her sizing everyone she meets up and making some sort of judgement. She’s clearly at least part sea nymph as she has a similar colouring to you but there’s just something about her that just throws me.”

  Glory nodded in agreement. “So just crystal meth and smack then?”

  ***

  Liberty was driving down Chancery Lane when she saw Bea outside the MacDonald’s. Liberty pulled over and wound down the window.

  “Do you want a lift?” she asked.

  “Yes please.” Bea got into the passenger side. She leaned across the car and kissed Liberty. “Let’s do something fun tonight.”

  “Like what?” Liberty’s car pulled out hurtling them eastward.

  “Let’s go out.” Bea said.

  “Sure, girls’ night out.” Liberty said connecting her phone to the car speakers. Kanye West’s Power started blaring.

  “No just the two of us.” Bea’s hand was on Liberty’s knee.

  “Like a date?”

  “Exactly like a date.”

  “Go on then. What’s the plan?”

  “Let’s just go to a bar in Angel and get a drink.”

  “Alright.” Liberty said turning the car around. She quickly looked into the future and was pleased with how lovely their evening would go.

  ***

  Glory rang Shady Tim for the third time that month. He had agreed to make the drop if she’d go and meet him in thirty minutes in Victoria Park so Glory and Honour set off. They had a can of White Lightening each and Honour was gabbling about how excited she was to go on the swings without there being any awful children moaning at her that it was their turn like last time. They walked for twenty minutes and sat down on the agreed bench. Shady Tim arrived five minutes later and they made the trade. He had bought two big Tesco bags for life with him.

  “I’ve got to leave the country for a bit.” Shady Tim said shifting about on his feet.

  “Off on holiday?” Honour asked.

  “No it’s getting really difficult to shift the quantities that you keep requesting. The fuzz are closing in on us. I thought I’d go and lie low in Brazil for a bit until the storm blows over.” Shady Tim said.

  “Well the weather’s nice this time of year.” Glory said.

  “Yes that’s what I’ve heard. I’m looking forward to going to the beach every day. Please send my regards to your employers.”

  “Of course I will.” Glory said, she wasn’t sure how Odin and Freya knew Shady Tim but she’d pass on his regards all the same. Shady Tim shook hands with Glory and Honour before disappearing back to the flat he shared with his mother Doris.

  “I’m going on the swings now.” Honour bounded along the grass to the children’s play area.

  Glory turned and faced the god who had appeared next to her on the bench. She looked him in the eye and arched an eyebrow. “So…”

  “So…” Ares was desperately fighting the urge to throw his arm around her and kiss her and what not whether she wanted him to or not. He didn’t think that was appropriate when trying to seriously court a girl though. Hera had been giving him pep talks for years about such matters of etiquette.

  “I take it you have something important to report on the war?” Glory asked.

  “Which war?” Ares asked.

  “Either of them.”

  “Well that thing in Korea you may or may not have organised should be marvellous. What do Freya and Odin do all day?” Ares moved closer to her on the bench.

  “And the other one?” Glory was furious and conflicted. She disliked being pursued but at the same time his mouth was shapely.

  “There are no further developments at the moment. Although between you and me there is something amiss with Athena at the moment.”

  “Yes I’d noticed that.” Glory said. Ares was going to kiss her.

  “Most suspicious.” Ares said moving in. He didn’t want to have to rape her to have his way.

  “Indeed.” Glory felt someone’s gaze upon her which spooked her and like a horse she bolted. She ran to the playground with her smack and grabbed Honour. She turned around to see that Ares had gone home out of frustration. He’d take it out on Aphrodite. Glory could see Apollo leaning gently up a tree smoking a cigarette staring at her intently. He had witnessed the whole scene and was displeased. Apollo had an irrational hatred of competition, particularly when he considered Glory to be his already. Glory’s phone vibrated, she had a message from Apollo that said ‘Baby, don’t do this to me. I love you. Please trust me. Don’t do this to me. Don’t leave the house tomorrow? Just stay in your room and look cute. I love you. I left you a sonnet on your pillow.’

  Tea Time

  Glory woke up to find Liberty standing beside her bed with a whole jug of ambrosia in one hand and a megaphone in the other. Liberty’s left eye was twitching ever so slightly and she was dressed in a light green shift dress that made her look like a fifties housewife. Glory never wore pyjamas.

  “Get the fuck up, it’s an emergency.” Liberty screamed down the megaphone, she was considering whether to start physically shaking Glory but she feared the consequences.

  “What…” Glory said with half closed eyes “Sleepy…”

  “We’ve been invited to tea with Hera on Olympus. I think Freya has been invited too by the looks of it. You’ve got twelve missed calls from her. I’ve not responded to the invitation yet, I panicked and thought I’d leave it you to decide the course of action.” Liberty said.

  “I’d rather pull out my own innards and wear them as a feather boa than go to tea today. Have the other two been invited?” Glory meekly threw the covers off.

  “Nope, just me and you. We’ve got to be there at 3pm and it’s already 9.30am.” Liberty was getting fidgety.

  “Lucky fuckers. Ok so we’ve got a good four hours to come up with a strategy to get through T-Day. We will come out the other end of this as better goddesses.” Glory said as she rolled out of bed and onto the floor. “Well I will once I’ve had a shower and a drink. I’m half-cut still. In the meantime respond graciously to the invite and enquire as to who else we shall have the pleasure of taking tea with. When you find out who will be there set up a scenario on the kitchen table. I’ll ring Freya back, she could be ringing about anything. Afternoon tea is my bloody thing, my lot invented it.”

  “Your lot?” Liberty asked. This was a new development. Glory had always referred to the Angles of that miserable isle as her mother’s even if they were under Glory’s de facto control. She really had killed her mother hadn’t she?

  “Yes the bloody English. Hera won’t serve it right I’m sure. I dread to think what her china looks like.” Glory found a towel and went to the bathroom taking the ambrosia with her. She also took her phone just in case she needed to field any emergency calls. Her words earlier had stuck in her throat. Where did that come from? Glory didn’t normally give a shit about Wedgewood.

  Glory drew a bath. As she and Liberty were practically marching into battle and she needed her best armour on, ergo she deserved an extra lovely soak so she threw all sorts of magic into it. Some salts that made her skin extra soft and glowing, some dried rose petals that made her smell divine and she’d treble conditioned her hair to make it look super glossy. Aphrodite was going to have a bitch fit. Glory could see the magic swirl in the steam, she bought all her toiletries from this wonderful little nymph run boutique place in Camelot. Before she got in she tuned the radio in the corner to Classic FM and glanced at the looking glass. Seeing herself in the mirror like this used to be so hard, but over the last couple of days it had become much easier. The awfully pained Valkyrie that she used to see reflected back was becoming the confident goddess that she often projected but never really felt. She was at ease with h
erself. The world was definitely changing and Glory was changing with it. Glory thought that finally stabbing her mother had simply removed the terrible mixture of guilt and disappointment that that bitch had made her feel. Britannia’s death was emancipating. Glory was snapped out of self-reflection by her phone ringing and as she was in such a good mood she answered it without screening the caller.

  “Hello.” Glory said.

  “Hello.” Apollo said. “Is that the 1812 Overture playing in the background?”

  “Yes it is.” Glory picked out some face wash from the cabinet. “How can I help you?”

  “Well.” Apollo said. There was a naughty edge to his voice.

  “I haven’t got time for anything like that.” Glory added a giggle in for good measure.

  “You’ve been invited to tea haven’t you?”

  “Yes T-day. It should be such fun.”

  “Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.”

  “It’s better than no wit at all.”

  “Artemis should be there as well as my mother. Be nice to them.”

  “When am I not nice?”

  “You’re frequently horrid.” Apollo said. “Don’t you dare hang up on me.”

  “Was that all?”

  Apollo could hear a new playfulness to her voice that he’d never heard before which pleased him. “I just wanted to hear you speak.” He said in earnest.

  “You’re getting rash.”

  Apollo sighed “Ares wants to marry you. He’s going to ask father for permission tonight. Aphrodite is not coping well at all. She’s been throwing things at Hephaestus all morning the poor guy.”

  Glory could hear that his mood had shifted darker and the sunlight through the window got a tad less bright. “Silly Ares.”

  “You won’t say yes will you?” He asked. The tension in his voice was palpable.

  “Considering what you’re about to do?” Glory knew better than to push Apollo’s buttons but she couldn’t help herself. She wasn’t sure where the petulance was coming from and she also wasn’t sure it was a good idea. In truth she had a soft spot for Ares. People go to war for the glory of it all the time. They made some sort of sense together. If it really came to it perhaps it wouldn’t be bad to be married to a god like Ares: he had to be good in bed for Aphrodite to stick around and he got her weird blood lust/destruction thing.

  “Trust me. Please just trust me. I love you.” That was the closest to desperate Glory had ever heard from him. “Please just trust me.”

  “What the…” Glory said as Apollo put one hand on her mouth to stop her from screaming and turned the radio up with the other. He took his hand from her mouth and pulled her tight.

  “Please just trust me. I love you.” Apollo said whispering into her ear.

  “What on earth are you doing? Firstly we can all just pop up in random places in people’s houses but it is common courtesy to use the front door. Secondly everyone’s in and thirdly why are you not wearing any trousers...” Glory was interrupted from finishing her sentence by a tongue and a wandering hand.

  “Please just trust me. I love you.” Apollo said as they lay down on the bathroom floor.

  “Uh huh.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me that you were naked when I rang.” Apollo said as the cannons started going off on the radio.

  “It hardly seemed appropriate.”

  “We’re going to have to be quiet.”

  ***

  “You were in there a while.” Liberty said as she walked past Glory coming out of the bathroom. Liberty had been busy making cardboard figures for the scenario planning downstairs and she’d just popped to her room for some more glitter. She always had a stash at the bottom of her wardrobe.

  “Yeah I treble conditioned my hair.” Glory said from the doorway to the bathroom.

  “I’ve spoken to Hera by the way and have got the list of everyone invited. She said to say thank you to Honour for the bridesmaid spread sheet whatever that is?” Liberty said as the pair of them moved down the hall.

  “We sorted out all the dresses.”

  “Nifty, thanks guys.”

  ***

  Glory didn’t know what to wear. All of her dresses for Valhalla were way too formal and a bit too spangly for afternoon tea. She normally wore any old thing when she had tea with her mother but that was because she never cared, whereas now she did care. She cared a lot. She needed to dress appropriately for the social situation and it was making her anxious. Glory stood in the mirror and gave herself a pep talk to remind herself that, although it was Hera’s tea party, she was the beacon of good taste and whatever she chose to wear would be the example that everyone should feel inferior against. Rationally she thought it might be something to do with Apollo’s mother being there, but she decided to barely acknowledge this thought. And then she thought sod it, I’ll wear whatever I bloody want to. She rifled through her wardrobe and pulled out a white silk shirt with a peter pan collar, a light jumper with a scoop neckline and a pleated yellow, white and black tartan skirt that was nipped on the waist and fell elegantly to her mid-calf. Glory then selected her favourite pair of suede black court shoes and her weather-beaten leather jacket. To top it off she threw on her favourite string of pearls. For make-up she put on a dash of eyeliner and swish of mascara and then a tonne of red lipstick. Her hair was up in a messy ponytail and she found her favourite pair of sunglasses that would stop her from making direct eye contact. She looked like an ironic Sloane ranger and was ready to take on all the backhanded compliments that Olympus could throw at her. She sprayed some perfume and looked at the time on her phone, it was 12pm. She dialled Freya’s number.

  “Hello Freya, this is Glory from Unit 401 just returning your call.” Glory said in her no nonsense voice.

  “Good afternoon Glory. I haven’t seen you in Valhalla for what feels like an age. I was just ringing as I have been invited to a blasted tea party in Olympus this afternoon and I don’t bloody want to go. I have already conveyed my apologies to Hera but I was wondering whether you could report back to me tomorrow on anything interesting that occurred. I am assuming correctly that you will be attending?” Freya asked.

  “I shall be there yes, and of course that’s no problem. We really should catch up over the Second Korean War too. I’ve already sent you the reports and had briefings with Thor and Ares but it may interest you to discuss what’s going on in further detail face to face.”

  “Let’s just stick to the gossip from the tea party eh?” Freya put the phone down.

  Glory shook her head and then went downstairs to join in on all the strategy fun. She came into the kitchen to find Honour cutting out little figures and Bea gluing faces to them. Liberty was finishing up on a to-scale model of Hera’s drawing room complete with furniture and soft furnishings. It was very impressive. Glory walked over to the fridge and took out another jug of ambrosia and put it on the table and then she got four glasses from the cupboard that had ‘Sensible Stuff’ written on it.

  “Right girls today we face one of the biggest days we have yet faced in this unit’s noble history. Consider this a day of prohibition: no alcohol or drugs consumed are to be in any way whatsoever. We all need to bring our a-game. Thank you very much for your help this morning in constructing this brilliant scenario planning model. Bea please could you follow the mortal news channels this afternoon as their governments will start making official statements once South Korea officially declares war. Pay specific attention to Japan, China, Australia, India, Pakistan, Britain, Germany, France, Canada, Brazil, Russia and America. The EU will probably release a statement too. If you could please produce some form of information document summarising everyone’s positions that would be great. Honour please can you keep on top of the movement of nuclear weapons and any significant changes to operations on military bases the world over. I’ll need you to get on the dog and bone if anything starts veering off plan this early in the war. If you could also write a summary document of some sort that would be
great, I appreciate the help of both of you in keeping this war ticking over.” Glory said pouring Bea and Honour a glass of ambrosia each. “Thank you.”

  Bea and Honour both nodded in assent and left the kitchen for Honour’s room. Honour had set up a mini control station near the bay window the day before. It had four televisions all tuned into satellite news channels across the world. Bea sat down in front of them with her newly issued Valhalla laptop and began drafting the report on mortal governments in real time. Honour pulled out her laptop from under a pile of clothes and began hacking the Pentagon to monitor US air bases before checking off everyone else on her list. It was a smooth operation. Glory came bounding upstairs.

  “I’m sorry guys I forgot to mention that you should show your faces in Valhalla this evening. Our recent poor attendance was noted by Freya on the phone this morning. If you could have those documents ready for 6pm and have them couriered over to all the war gods world over please. Please stamp them from Freya and not from the Unit. I’m sure Hermes will be obliging for a small fee which you can expense. Oh and yes Honour could you make sure the invites for the hen do go out today as well. I wrote them all last night when I was smashed if you wouldn’t mind checking them quickly too. I’m awfully sorry to lumber this all on you in one day. You both can have tomorrow off and me and Liberty will pick up the slack considering that we’re both on a jolly this afternoon.” Glory said before rushing back down stairs.

  “She’s a bit of a whirlwind this morning.” Bea said whilst watching the official North Korean broadcast.

  “I think she maybe sobering up. I haven’t seen that in an age. I wonder what's gotten into her?” Honour mused, breaking security codes left, right and centre.

  “It’s probably more like who’s gotten into her this morning.” Bea laughed to herself. She turned and looked at Honour who had also started to giggle like a schoolgirl.

  “Oh Bea you are wicked.” Honour was none the wiser.

  ***

  Glory sprang back into the kitchen. Liberty wondered where this new found enthusiasm for the job had come from. Glory was a bloody good Valkyrie, she was unequivocally the best there was, but with this war she was being exceedingly thorough. A nasty little truth entered Liberty’s head ‘because it’s the last mortal war’. Did Glory know this? Not that Liberty could ask her as she might have done a month ago. Liberty had always thought that Glory was as wasted as a Valkyrie as she was herself. They both used the job as a way to shy away from having any real obligations. Liberty always knew that Glory was a war goddess at heart; she was one de facto anyway having taking responsibility for running her mother’s dominions and picking up Freya’s slack. If it hadn’t been for Glory, Liberty was sure that Freya would have been sacked by now.