Dear Canada: These Are My Words

by Ruby Slipperjack

  Table of Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Northern Ontario, 1966

  September 1966

  October 1966

  November 1966

  December 1966

  January 1967

  February 1967

  March 1967

  April 1967

  June 1967

  July 1967

  Epilogue

  Historical Note

  Images and Documents

  Credits

  About the Author

  Copyright

  Books in the Dear Canada Series

  Northern Ontario, 1966

  September 1966

  Friday, September 9, 1966

  They took everything away when I arrived here. I have nothing of the things I had packed in the small suitcase Grandma gave me. I had stones from home and some feathers that Grandma gave me. They took my diary too, the one Grandma gave me for my birthday. It was blue and it even had a shiny gold lock on it, and tiny little keys. I had a lot of stuff written in there that I thought would give me some comfort over the year. But, now it’s gone.

  I was given this notebook and pencils for school, so I am going to start another diary in this notebook. I am going to hide it with me all the time. I’m writing in very small letters, with the lines close together, because I realize that I can’t just write like I normally do if I am going to always hide it.

  This is all I remember about what I’d written in my diary yesterday.

  We left on the noon train. There were two of us, just me and Emma. Grandma walked with me to the train station. I cried when I hugged her goodbye. She told me to be a good girl and to be strong. She put a hand on my head and over my chest.

  At every stop, there were many mothers standing at the station, crying, as more kids got on the train. There were two boys across from me who were laughing and teasing each other, clearly enjoying the trip. When the sun began to set, I was ready to turn around and go back home. That’s when I noticed that I had written in my diary that I think this train should be called The Train of Tears. As the afternoon wore on, I wanted to go home already! There were eight of us sitting together now, all going to the same place.

  I am getting very hungry. There’s a small water fountain by the toilet door. Beside it is a metal thing on the wall that holds small pointy-bottomed paper cups. I pulled one out and poured some water in it, but it tasted funny.

  It was getting dark when we got off the train and went to a hotel. We were given two rooms. One was for the boys and one for the girls. We were very hungry but we had no money to go into the dining room. There was a lot of noise from the barroom downstairs. During the night, we could hear fighting downstairs and in the parking lot below. We were very scared. Sometime after midnight, we scrambled up and looked out the window and we saw two men throw a man into the back of a truck and they drove off. There was so much noise and we were too scared to sleep.

  Early this morning, we went to the train station and waited for another train that goes south to the city where we are going. We got a brown paper sandwich bag each from the hotel. We were very hungry, and tired from not getting any sleep.

  After we settled into our seats on the train, we opened the bags and found a sandwich and an apple in each one.

  It was close to lunchtime when we managed to open a window on the coach and stuck our heads out. After several hours, we realized that we had gathered a lot of dirt and soot from the engine onto our hair and faces! We smelled like engine smoke! I got a piece of paper towel from the toilet and wet it in the little sink and wiped my face, and the paper came off black. When you flushed the toilet, it opened a round flap and you could see the train tracks and ties going by below.

  We are here at the Residential School now. It is afternoon and I am very tired.

  Emma and four of the boys were taken away by a man in a car when we got off the train. Emma said that they’ll be living in other people’s homes and go to a high school. She said she would come and visit me as often as she could.

  There was a man with another car to pick the three of us up at the train station. We drove for a long time before he left the road and turned up a very long drive with tall trees on either side. Then I saw the building. It’s a very tall and very, very big brick building and has wide steps going up. It is the biggest building I have ever seen. I got very scared then. I felt so very small. The building loomed above us as we went up the steps and through the door and were told to wait and that we would be called into the office one by one.

  When it was my turn, there was a man behind the desk in front of the window and I could not see him clearly with the window behind him. He told me his name and he wrote my name down. Then he told me a list of rules and other stuff that I can’t remember. I do remember that I’m never to speak in my own language and that I’ll be punished if I do. I am to speak in English only.

  When I came out, the boy who arrived with us was gone. The girl was still there, sitting on one of the four chairs beside the door.

  Then a woman in a grey skirt and white blouse came and got us and took us down a flight of stairs and into the communal showers, where we were stripped and scrubbed. She rubbed awful-smelling stuff on our heads — to kill lice, she said. I did not have lice!

  Then we were given clothes to put on, along with an apron. We were given a number that was written on all our clothing. When they lined us up, I noticed now that there were four other girls in front of us who must’ve arrived by another way. Then we went across to a small building, where a man was standing with scissors in his hand. Again we lined up and he cut our hair, the same as the rest of the girls that I had seen — straight across below the ears, and bangs. Then we went back inside and through a long hallway and up a flight of stairs.

  We entered the girls’ dorm. It was empty. There were three rows of beds. Light green curved metal head frames with three metal bars in between, and the same-coloured curved foot frames. There were metal night tables between the beds, of the same colour. The floor had smeared green tiles going one way, and the next row another way. Like a checkerboard.

  I was directed to the first row and to a bed that was the third from the end. There was a pile of stuff on the bed and there were lockers right across from the beds and that one was to be mine. I put the things that were on the bed into the locker. All the clothes had the number 75 written in black marker at the back of the neck, or on the tags at the back of the skirts. I was now #75. I wondered how many other girls had worn the #75 clothes.

  As I closed the locker door, I turned and saw a girl in the tall mirror at the end of the room. She moved when I did and that was when I felt a shock go through me. That was me! I had never seen myself look like that before, and I began to shake and panic until I saw my eyes. There were my mother’s eyes looking back at me. I was still me. They could do anything they wanted to me, but I would still be me!

  All my own things are gone. Now I have to wear strange clothes and aprons with the number 75 on them. I am now just a number.

  The Supervisor came in and directed us to follow her. We went down the stairs and stopped at a door and she led us in a prayer that we had to repeat after her. I never heard that prayer before. Then we entered the dining room, where all the girls were already eating. We were directed to empty chairs, and plates of food were put before us. I was very hungry. I just put my head down and began to eat. I can’t even remember what we had for supper. The other new girl and I had to eat fast because the others couldn’t leave until we were done. Then we had to say a thank-you prayer all together before we could leave the dining room. I didn’t know this prayer either, so I had to just
repeat what they were saying. The only prayers I ever heard were from the Bible when Grandma took me to the church sometimes at Flint Lake when the minister was there, which wasn’t very often.

  I have never watched television before. There was a cowboy show on in the evening. Then we were given some peanut-butter sandwiches and a glass of milk. Our Supervisor’s name is Miss Tanner. She’s an Anishinabe woman from down south somewhere. She is very cold though. She does not smile at all. She reminded me of a moving block of wood. She always seems to be looking around. I wonder what she’s looking for.

  Before the lights went off, we had to kneel before our beds and say another prayer all together for bedtime. Again, we just have to say the same thing at the same time.

  Saturday, September 10

  After the wake-up bell rang, we all had to kneel by our beds for the morning prayer, and then we quickly had to make our beds before going into the washroom to wash and comb our hair and brush our teeth.

  Miss Tanner showed me how to make my bed this morning. Tuck in the bottom sheet at the bottom and the top; lift the corners and tuck in and then tuck in the middle. She ripped off my first try and then I got it right the second time. It’s like making a letter envelope.

  The top is much the same. It has just a top sheet and a bed cover with the top folded over the pillow. We have to make our beds like that every morning so that all our beds look the same.

  The bathroom sink is a thick round green stone circle thing. You step on the bottom metal circle ring and water sprays from the top mushroom-like thing. We each have a toothbrush and there’s a container with minty powder in it that you stick your toothbrush into and it becomes toothpaste. There are four toilet stalls by the wall. The doors and sides are about a foot from the floor so you can see the girls’ feet when they go in. You can also look over the top if you stand on the toilet seat. I saw one of the girls do that. She must’ve been looking for someone.

  I have an apron that I really like. I’ve never had one before. It has a white background with tiny yellow flowers and it has a gold-coloured trim around the collar and pockets, with ruffles around the sleeve straps and around the bottom. It’s real pretty.

  We have to wear white blouses and skirts and thick beige stockings.

  Sunday, September 11

  I forgot to mention that the boys all come into the dining room from another door and they all sit on one side of the room and we are not allowed to talk to them.

  It’s just now occurred to me how much trouble I’ll be in if someone finds this diary. If someone sees me, they will certainly take it away from me. I have to be very careful. I’m thinking that it would be something I could read to Grandma when I get home to let her know what this place is like. Reading to her would be better than just giving it to her to read. I feel like we are kind of on this adventure together. I don’t think I’d want my mother to see what I am writing, though, just in case my half-brother and half-sister end up in a place like this too. It would also remind her of the years that she spent in another Residential School when she was growing up. I’m thinking too much, I think.

  I’m learning very quickly just to follow what the other girls are doing. If someone’s not quite moving in the same direction at the same time, everyone stops and they glare at her. That was what they did to the other new girl beside me. So far, I’ve managed to keep up with what was happening. It reminds me of soldiers that I once saw in a book — all looking the same and all doing the same things at the same time. Even our dorm looks like an army’s barracks. Before the lights go off, we have to say the night prayer all together for bedtime again. The prayer before meals is different from the after-meals prayer, and the bedtime prayer is also different, but we say them over and over again every day. I kept getting them mixed up yesterday.

  This morning we had to pin little round lacy things to the tops of our heads and then walk in a single file through a bush path. We walked through the bush slowly and it was so nice. Suddenly, one of the older girls tugged at my sweater. She had two new girls with her. She gestured for me to follow them. We ducked behind some bushes and she led us to a place where there were boulders jutting up from the ground. She said that we were not to forget this place because each new girl is told of this place. There are Residential School children buried there, she said. Then she told us it was now our duty to tell new girls of this place. I didn’t see anything anywhere. Then, she turned and ran to catch up with the other girls. We looked at each other and we ran to catch up too.

  The branches were still hanging on to a wide variety of leaves in bright colours of orange and yellow. It reminded me of home and I wished I could stay in the bush for a while, but I just took deep breaths and walked one foot in front of the other. It didn’t smell the same though. There were many different trees and bushes that I didn’t recognize.

  We finally came to a clearing and there was a small Church. We went in line and sat in the rows at the back of the Church. We had to get up and sit down several times. It looked funny with all those people bobbing up and down together. I put my head down quick when I realized that I was smiling. I can’t even remember what the white-gowned man with the ribbon stripe over his chest up front was saying. I was busy watching the white people, who largely ignored us, and I was admiring the different colours of glass on the pictures in the windows.

  That was a boring long time in there. I kept thinking about the burial spot the girl showed us. I didn’t see anything at all. Most graves I have seen had a mound or a cross or something. Maybe she was just pulling a joke on us.

  This Church is very fancy. Not like the one at Flint Lake. I remember that I went in once when the bell rang as I was walking by on the way home to Grandma’s, and it had a picture of Jesus beside the door and there were benches on each side of the aisle, and at the front was a table with a fancy cover that reached the floor and it had a cross on it. There was a little bench on the side, where the Minister knelt. I don’t remember much about what the Minister said. He couldn’t sing, either, and the women sang from the Cree hymn books they were using, since there were no Anishinabe books. That was funny. Mom and my stepfather, Izzy (I like that a lot better than his real name, Ezekiel) never went to the church on the Reserve. I never thought to ask why.

  We each have jobs to do. I had to use the wax-buffing machine. It’s a heavy green metal thing with a wide spinning brush at the end. It polishes the wax on the floor. I was told to plug it in, turn the switch up and go over the whole floor with it. Huh! It nearly knocked me off my feet when I first turned it on. It would have spun me around with it if I hadn’t had the sense to keep my feet planted on the floor! Some of the girls were laughing at me struggling with the thing! I had to waltz around with it a couple of times before I figured out how to counter the right-hand pull of the spinning brush.

  We watched Walt Disney after supper. Then Bonanza came on, with Little Joe in it. All the girls say that he’s cute! The Ed Sullivan Show came on after that. I never saw any of those shows before. There was a television on the counter in a restaurant that I remember seeing on one of the trips into town with Mother. We’d get on the airplane and land in a small town to pick up some supplies or for one of us to see a doctor.

  Tonight we had butter-and-jam sandwiches with our milk and then had to say the nighttime prayer before the lights went out.

  Monday, September 12

  Today was the first day of school. I didn’t know where the school was, so I followed three girls, but then they turned into the park that is along the route. They began running, so I ran to catch up. They stopped at the foot of a huge tree and they asked me to come into its hollowed-out base with them. I was scared, but I joined them. I knew we were supposed to be at school, but how was I supposed to get there? I was very scared about going to a white city school for the first time in my life!

  We sat there for a long time and they kept glancing around the tree. They said the caretaker would chase us out of the park if he saw us. We wriggled
around to fit in that big gaping hole and we sat there huddled and they whispered once in a while. It was very damp and a cold mist was still on the ground. I was getting very cold. Then I think I must have dozed off, because one girl poked me and they were glancing up the street, saying that the kids were coming back. I was wearing a blue sweater, but it was still cold outside and I was shivering.

  We knew it must be lunchtime when we saw the others coming back down the street, and we sort of walked along on the other side of the street and joined the last straggling kids back to the Residential School. We then lined up with the others at the dining-room door. When we were all there, Miss Tanner kept order and we all said the grace and then we were allowed to take our seats at the tables and silently ate our meal. After the meal, we had to say the thank-you prayer. There’s no talking allowed at mealtimes, and we have to eat everything on the plate. I really don’t care what I eat. I just eat what’s put in front of me.

  After lunch, our names were called through the intercom to come to the office. That is, me and the other three girls. We were asked to wait outside the office and we were called in one by one. When it was my turn, the Principal glared at me and gave me a big loud lecture about playing hooky. I didn’t even know what “hooky” meant! Then, he asked if I knew where the school was. I shook my head. Then he said that I must go to school every day and I was never to spend the day in the park again!

  I hate this place!

  Tuesday, September 13

  I just remembered Tall Mike. He had told me that he failed on purpose because his dad needs him at home. So, he’ll have to keep failing Grade 5 so that he can stay home until he’s old enough to leave school. I wonder how old he’d have to be? I think I should have done that too. Then I could have stayed with Grandma forever.

  The city school that we go to is called King George and I was kind of scared. I’ve never been in a school with white kids before. They were all right though. They just stared at me at first, and the teachers were very nice. I am the only Anishinabe girl out of about 25 students in my first morning class. I saw some girls from the Residential School in some of the classes, but they don’t talk to anyone, not even me.