Trailer Park Heart

by Higginson, Rachel

  I owed it to him to tell him the truth. And if they were intent on getting to know him, he should get to know them too, as they were his family.

  But son of a bitch, this sucked so hard.

  Just as I turned the car off, my phone chirped with an incoming call. I pulled it from the front pocket of my tiny purse and answered. “Hello?”

  “It’s me,” Coco said, her voice quiet and reserved.

  “Hi.” She was another person I’d confessed to, along with my mom. Their reactions were almost identical. Coco had fallen on her couch where I’d cornered her in her apartment and said, “Holy shit.” After I explained to my mom that it wasn’t the living Cole brother that was the father, but the deceased one, she’d fallen into a dining room chair, put her hand over her mouth and mumbled, “Fuck me.”

  Unsurprisingly, my mom got over the news much quicker than Coco. My best friend was furious when I spilled my secrets last night. Her anger had only lasted until Emilia had slapped her on the back of the head and said, “Stop being stupid. Ruby was obviously afraid of losing Max. You weren’t even around to help her. This isn’t about you, Co.”

  She’d snapped out of it after that, and after I’d sworn I hadn’t kept anything else from her. Then I’d remembered Levi’s kiss seven years ago and the one on Saturday, so I’d confessed more to her. That had taken some more time to work through and Emilia had been less on my side, but we’d managed to eventually make peace while Max wore Coco’s headphones and played Roblox on her iPad.

  But I could tell from her tone she hadn’t totally forgiven me. That was fine, I hadn’t totally forgiven myself either.

  “Did you make it?” she asked.

  I blew out a big breath and stared at the wrap around porch of the Cole’s picturesque home. The sprawling farmhouse was exactly what you pictured in your mind when someone said the word. It was massive, with an arched drive-through that led to a massive, unattached garage. The small covered, corridor leading into the house from the side was even adorable with its boot box, spigot and outdoor washing area.

  Vibrant, autumn mums dotted the porch in planters and window boxes, some even hanging in the corners. They’d decorated with a porch swing and matching rocking chairs and I could just imagine the Coles sitting out here after supper, taking in the stunning Nebraska sunset over the tops of their corn crops every night.

  My entire property in Meadowbrooks was smaller than their garage. They had no neighbors. We lived nearly on top of ours. Their house belonged in the front pages of a magazine. Mine belonged in a junkyard.

  Wrapping my hand around my stomach, to brace myself against the nervous cramping, I struggled to breathe evenly so Max wouldn’t notice I was currently freaking the hell out. “I made it.”

  “It won’t be that bad,” Coco reassured me. “They’re nice people.”

  “Maybe to you,” I argued. How could they be nice to me after everything? How could they even stand to look at me after I’d hidden their grandson from them for so long?

  “They’ll be nice to you, too,” she promised. “You’ve got what they want. They won’t risk messing that up.”

  Maybe. Maybe they wouldn’t. But maybe they’d also decide they wanted nothing to do with Max or me and have us escorted off the property.

  “Okay,” I said instead.

  Coco’s voice cracked, sounding infinitely sincerer. “You can do this, Ruby. You’ve raised a kid all by yourself. You rock being a single parent. You’re a fighter and a survivor and you’re the strongest person I know. There’s nothing to be afraid of, chica. You just do you. They’re going to love you.”

  Tears wet my eyelashes, but I refused to let them fall and mess up my carefully applied makeup. “How do you know that?”

  “Because Levi clearly already loves you. It’s just a matter of time before his parents fall for you too.” She paused and then quickly added, “Hopefully not in the same way as their son.”

  A shaky laugh bubbled out of me. “Used to,” I argued. “Maybe he used to love me, but not anymore.”

  She made a humming noise. “I’m not sure that’s how it works. I don’t think it’s that easy to stop loving someone.”

  “Have you ever been in love?”

  She laughed. “Er, no. Obviously, no. But if he could somehow care about you during high school when you were awful to him, this will be a piece of cake to smooth over.”

  “He was awful to me too.”

  “Mm-hmm, whatever you need to tell yourself, babe.”

  The door opened and the man in question stepped out on the porch, arms already folded over his broad chest. He wore a navy-blue button up shirt, rolled at the sleeves, and tapered dark tan pants. His socked feet padded across the painted wood until he leaned against one of the columns near the stairs. His expression was immediately suspicious. He was letting me know he saw me and that it was too late to run away now.

  Damn him.

  And damn the sexy way he stood there and the way my heart pinched in longing and the way my stomach dropped to my toes just because I was finally seeing what had been in front of me for so long and now it was officially out of my reach.

  I didn’t know if Levi had ever loved me, but he had obviously had feelings for me. And that should have been enough for me once upon a time. I should have been honest with myself and the feelings I had for him in return and let it happen between us naturally.

  Instead, I’d sabotaged whatever there could have been when I slept with Logan. I’d sacrificed real happiness for a chance to get out of this town. And that had miserably backfired in my face.

  The frustrating thing was, now that I had some fucking perspective, I could admit that leaving Clark City and moving out of the trailer park and finding a life for myself elsewhere did not necessarily guarantee happiness.

  Happiness wasn’t even a goal worth pursuing. Happiness was fleeting… fickle… temporary. Happiness was a waste of time.

  What I really should have been chasing was joy. Joy didn’t come and go. Joy didn’t disappear or reappear depending on my circumstances. Joy was a rock-solid foundation with which to build my life.

  And I’d somehow done that despite my unplanned pregnancy and squashed plans. I’d somehow found it in the very place I was so desperate to escape.

  I’d built a beautiful life for myself right here in Clark City, in the same run-down trailer I’d grown up in. I’d found someone to love and protect and a job I was proud to work and things weren’t easy, but they were good.

  A strange peace settled over me at the realization I liked my life. It was an odd and foreign feeling and I wasn’t sure what to do with it. I had been so used to hating everything about this city and my childhood that I wasn’t sure I knew how to shed those feelings.

  Levi’s eyebrows raised, daring me to leave the car. I had to suppress a smile. Maybe he’d never have feelings for me again. Maybe it was too weird that I’d slept with his brother and my son was his nephew and we would never finish what we started all those years ago. Maybe just having him in my life permanently would have to be enough.

  More feelings I didn’t know what to do with. More warring emotions. More uncertainty. And yet if life had taught me anything on this bumpy, twisting, surprising journey, it was that I could handle whatever it threw my way. I could be brave enough for this dinner and this awkward conversation and the tenuous road Max and I had ahead of us.

  Not everything would go as planned. But everything would eventually work out.

  “Okay,” I told Coco, not sure if she was even still hanging out on the other end. “I’m ready.”

  “Just be yourself, Ruby,” she added as her final piece of advice. “You’re amazing. There’s nothing not to love. I know I sure love you.”

  My heart slowed its frantic pace at the sound of her full forgiveness. “I love you too, Co.”

  “Knock ‘em dead, babe.”

  We hung up and I turned around to face my son. He looked as nervous as I felt. “You ready for
this?”

  “I don’t know…” he mumbled quietly, his tongue poking between the empty space where teeth were reluctant to grow.

  “They can’t wait to get to know you,” I promised him. “They’re so excited to finally meet you.” He glanced out the window to where Levi still stood, waiting for us. “Plus, Levi’s here. If things get too boring, make him play with you.”

  He brightened at that suggestion and finally reached for the door handle. We stepped out of the Corolla, our shoes crunching the gravel beneath our feet. By the time Max had walked around the back of the car, his black Chucks were white with dust.

  Farm life.

  I grabbed his hand, more for my moral support than his, and we walked up the steps to face Thanksgiving dinner with the Coles.

  “Hey,” I said to Levi as we passed him.

  “Hey, Max,” he said with a smile, ignoring me completely.

  “Levi!” Max threw himself at the larger man, wrapping his arms around his legs. I’d seen him hug Coco and Emilia like this a hundred times, even Rosie got hugs this enthusiastically, but it was strange to see him so affectionate with Levi. It did things to my insides that I wasn’t totally comfortable with. Like make them warm and gooey.

  Of course the second Levi was totally off the table I would want him. Cue epic eye roll.

  “Whoa,” Levi laughed, taking a step back to keep his balance.

  “Are you really my uncle?” Max asked, sounding beyond excited at the prospect.

  Levi’s sharp gaze cut to mine. I maybe should have warned him that I’d told Max. Oops.

  When Levi looked back at my son, his gaze was soft again, open. My throat dried out and my heart started pounding again when his eyes watered unexpectedly. “Yeah, buddy. You’re my older brother’s son,” he explained with a broken voice. “That makes me your uncle and you’re my nephew.” He sniffled, holding back the emotions I could see pounding at his intent gaze and tight mouth and I had to look away. It was too much. It was too hard.

  “That’s so cool,” Max said, not understanding the grief aspect at all. He’d been sad last night when I told him his dad was in heaven and he’d never get to meet him on earth, but since he already didn’t have a dad in his life, it hadn’t taken long for him to get over.

  I knew that as he got older this would become harder to process, but now he had Logan’s family in his life. I hoped they would be able to fill in all the blanks I knew nothing about.

  Figures appeared in the doorway. Darcy and Rich. They didn’t move beyond the foyer inside. They just watched Max with his arms wrapped around Levi’s legs as Levi tried to hold it together.

  “My god,” Darcy gasped at the sight of them. “He’s the spitting image of him.” She turned into her husband, clutching his shirt and practically collapsed on him as she burst into tears.

  Helplessly I looked at Rich to find tears streaming down his cheeks. “I didn’t believe it,” he said through a choked whisper. “I didn’t believe it was true until now.”

  Max pulled back from Levi to watch the elder Coles sob. He glanced at me with a look of uncertainty, unsure why all the grown-ups were crying. I held out my hand for him and he jumped from Levi to me, clinging to me the way little boys clung to their mothers. I buried my hand in his hair and waited for the Coles to collect themselves.

  “Mom, Dad,” Levi said, sounding composed again. “This is Ruby Dawson. And this is Max, her son. Your grandson.”

  Darcy spun around again, her hands still gripping her husband’s denim shirt. “I-I’m so sorry,” she rasped. She covered her mouth with a shaking hand and visibly worked to calm down. “It’s just… I feel as though I’m seeing a ghost.”

  I looked down at Max. “I’ve always thought he looked like me,” I whispered. And then I worried that I’d offended them.

  “Oh, no,” Darcy assured me, sounding firm but not mad. “I’ll show you pictures of Logan at this age.” Her voice broke again and more tears poured down her face. “He’s the spitting image. Glasses and all.”

  “Mommy, why are they crying?” Max asked loudly. “Do I make them sad?”

  “Not at all,” Levi jumped in before I could speak. “We’re just so happy to get to know you. That’s all. We didn’t think it was possible for you to be here. And it makes us so happy that you are.”

  Now my eyes were wet. Thanks a lot, Levi.

  We stood there for a few minutes more, while Darcy, Rich and my son continued to stare at each other. Their intent gazes were out of grief and hope and amazement. Max’s was out of wide-eyed curiosity at the crazy people that were supposed to be his grandparents.

  “Should we head inside?” Rich finally asked, seeming to come back to himself. “Darcy’s made a lovely spread. We’d all hate ourselves if we let it get cold.”

  I nodded, putting pressure on Max’s back so he’d walk into their house. Rich led the way to the dining room, but Darcy stood where she was, letting us pass in front of her before she moved. Carefully, she reached out as Max walked by and let her hands brush through his hair.

  Levi entered behind us and I heard her throw herself into his arms, sobbing deeply once more. I encouraged Max forward when he wanted to turn around and gape at them.

  “Let’s give them a moment of privacy,” I whispered to him.

  Rich took us through the open concept living room and kitchen to a sunroom at the back of the house that had been set for supper.

  “We usually eat in the dining room,” he explained. “But the weather’s been so nice, we thought it would be comfortable in here today.” Windows were barely cracked so a crisp fall breeze cooled the room down. The smell of campfire and crushed leaves mingled with the heavenly scents of Thanksgiving dinner and I inhaled deeply. It smelled amazing—just like I’d always imagined a holiday as beautifully executed as this one to smell.

  “This is great,” I told him.

  “Max, you’re over there,” he said, pointing to where a kid’s plastic plate was set with a Star Wars coloring book and crayons. It was thoughtful and so grandparent-y that my heart swelled with appreciation.

  “Cool!” Max exclaimed and lunged for his chair.

  Rich and I stood there awkwardly for a minute while we waited for Levi and Darcy to catch up with us. I had a practiced speech in my head that I’d been working on for a constant twenty-four hours and now felt like the perfect time to give it.

  But the words jumbled in my mouth, and the rehearsed, polished things I’d wanted to say came out in a rushed, basic version. “I know this is strange,” I told him quietly. “And I know it’s completely out of the blue. So if you’d like to do a blood test or paternity test or whatever, I’m happy to cooperate in any way I can.”

  Rich flinched at my words and the hollow feeling in my chest was back, digging deeper, encompassing more of me. “I-I’m sure that would be the smart thing to do,” he said, his voice gruff with sorrow once again. “But, I think that if we were to find out Logan wasn’t the father at this point, we’d be devastated. That might sound silly to you and I truly hope you’re not lying to us or trying to extort us by dangling a living memory of our dead son in front of us. But the thing is, having a piece of Logan in our lives, a living, breathing grandchild that we can get to know and watch grow up is a miracle for us. You’ve given us a gift, Ruby. One that we can only thank God for and live our lives grateful for.” He brushed at his stray tears and I found myself doing the same thing.

  “I’m not lying,” I rushed to say. “Logan is the father.”

  “You know without a doubt?” Rich asked, barely able to speak the words.

  “He was the only man I had ever been with,” I confessed, feeling awkward and too honest all at once. But I knew the explanation was necessary. They deserved the whole truth. They deserved peace after all this time. “And I wasn’t with someone again until years after. Max is Logan’s. Without a doubt.”

  Rich put his hand on my forearm, his expression pleading. “I have no reason to doubt y
ou. I also don’t know you. So please, for the sake of my wife and myself, as we get to know you and your son, don’t give us any reason to.”

  I nodded, unable to speak beyond the hundred different emotions clogging my throat.

  “Dad,” Levi said in a rush of breath. I realized he’d been standing there the entire time, he’d heard my confession about sleeping with Logan. Now he knew everything. “Mom is freshening up, but she said we should start dishing up before the food gets cold.”

  “I’ll check on her,” Rich said, clearly trying to get ahold of himself. “Go ahead.” He waved at the table. “Go ahead.”

  Suddenly, it was just Levi and me. And Max, who was focused solely on his coloring and had forgotten about the rest of the world completely.

  “Thank you,” he said suddenly, his words a burst of energy in the quiet space.

  “F-for what?”

  “For telling Max. For letting my parents be grandparents. For letting them in his life.”

  I shrugged, turning to look at my son. “It’s not easy,” I whispered. “He’s all I have, Levi. I’m terrified of losing him.”

  “You won’t,” Levi rushed to say. “They’re not here to take him from you. They just want to be part of his life. They just want to know him.”

  I turned back and met his shining gaze. His eyes were a thousand percent greener after the tears he’d shed. “And what do you want, Levi?”

  He didn’t flinch, his words didn’t waver, his entire body remained perfectly still. “I want to know Max, too,” he said. “I want to be in his life and be his family.” He glanced away for a second before turning back. “This is about Max, Ruby. Only Max. Whatever there was between us is over. We aren’t anything but the adults in Max’s life. You know that, right?”

  A pang so sharp and biting spread across my chest, I thought for a second that it was a heart attack. I pressed the heel of my hand to where it hurt the most and tried to breathe through unexpected heartbreak. “Yeah, obviously. I know that.” I cleared my throat. “I’ve always known that, Levi. I-I just wanted to make sure we were okay.”