Trailer Park Heart

by Higginson, Rachel

  “Friends, right?” he asked, his brows furrowed and his mouth tight.

  The words he always said rang through my head. It’ll be fun. But this wasn’t fun. Not at all. “We’ve been working on it, haven’t we? Friends, of course.”

  He nodded. “Okay.”

  “Okay,” I whispered, the opposite of confident and clear.

  “Okay!” Darcy announced as she stepped into the room with fresh powder on her face. It wasn’t enough to hide her bloodshot eyes and wobbly smile though. But when her gaze fell on Max, she glowed with warmth and it was enough to give me hope that even though I’d lost Levi, Max could have him instead. “Let’s eat, shall we?” Darcy asked.

  We sat down to one of the only, real Thanksgiving dinners I’d ever had with people that were my son’s family and I found out what it was like to have joy in the midst of real heartache. Because as devastated as I was to lose Levi, that one meal showed me how amazing it was going to be for Max to have these people in his life.

  They doted on him. They thought everything he said was the greatest thing they had ever heard. And they couldn’t wait to get to know him more.

  I couldn’t say there weren’t completely awkward moments that made my chest ache and my head spin for something to say to smooth things out. But overall the meal was a success.

  By the time we left that evening, after an incredible turkey dinner with all the fixings and a stilted game of Pictionary, I was not totally upset that the secret had been spilled. Everything was going to be okay.

  Max was going to be okay.

  I was even, maybe, going to be okay.

  21

  The Giving (It to You) Spirit

  Two weeks later, I found myself hurrying Max through a light dusting of snow to save seats at the Clark City Elementary Christmas program for Darcy, Rich, and Levi. It was a strange feeling to need space for more than just me. Unsurprisingly, my mom had never made it to one of Max’s programs. Either she had to work or she just didn’t want to sit through an hour and a half of children singing.

  But Darcy had called two days ago to triple check that I’d be able to save them seats. I promised I would again, just like I had the two times before that.

  We’d exchanged numbers on Thanksgiving. She’d asked for mine so that she could call and talk to Max sometime. And she’d given me hers in case I ever needed something or a babysitter or just someone to talk to.

  I had graciously accepted the number, but I had yet to imagine a scenario in which I would use it. After surviving six years of Max’s life without needing help outside of Coco and my mom, I had learned not to ask for help.

  But only time would tell.

  I dropped Max off at his classroom, adjusting his shepherd’s costume before I darted off toward the auditorium. I had planned to get here much earlier, but life and Max and the darn striped sheet I’d decided I could jimmy-rig into a shepherd’s robe wouldn’t cooperate. So I was only going to be able to snag four seats together toward the back. Which made me incredibly nervous. This was Rich and Darcy’s first real Max event and I didn’t want to disappoint them.

  This far in the country, our public school still put on a Nativity-inspired Christmas play. Max had been a sheep last year as a kindergartner. This year, he’d moved up to shepherd. I was shooting for one of the wise men next year, but they had speaking parts. That probably meant volunteering at more class parties. Drat.

  I ran by Jamie in the hallway. She had a to-go cup of coffee in her hand from the one coffee shop in town—family owned, not Starbucks—and lifted a perfectly manicured hand to wave at me. “Hey!”

  “Hi,” I greeted breathlessly. “I’m sorry, I have to save seats and I’m worried there aren’t going to be any left.”

  Her brows wrinkled in confusion. “Oh, I think the Coles saved you one already.”

  “They’re already here?” I whispered, more panicked than when I went into labor.

  She smiled wider. “They’ve got seats near the front. Prime real estate. Trust me.”

  I felt sick. “Oh, my god.”

  “Hey, are you okay?” Her cool hand landed on my shoulder.

  Every muscle in my body tightened as I forced my crap under control. “I’m sorry. This is just so weird. I’m not used to having… other people in Max’s life yet.”

  Her expression turned to concern. I’d never officially confessed to Jamie, I didn’t think we were that good of friends. But I knew she knew by now. The whole county knew by now.

  “You could have told me,” she said. “I mean, I know we’ve only known each other for a short time, but I’m here for you, Ruby. Seriously.”

  I swallowed down a sudden lump in my throat. Her offer felt sincere. And that felt strange. I didn’t make friends easily—or at all. And I certainly wasn’t expecting to find one in Jamie Mannor-Shulz. “I didn’t tell anyone,” I said honestly. “Not even my friend, Coco. I just… when he died, that door felt closed. I didn’t want to cause anyone unnecessary pain.” What I meant by that was that I didn’t want to cause myself unnecessary pain. I was working through my selfishness. It was a daily battle. I hadn’t even realized how self-centered I’d become. But I’d grown up in this kill or be killed environment and in an effort to separate myself from that world, I had really only ever focused on myself. It was why I’d never realized Levi had feelings for me. It was why I let myself sleep with Logan when I should have waited for Levi. It was why I was so devastated when my plans didn’t work out.

  Some of that focus had shifted when Max was born. But I still kept us isolated from the town, from opening up to other people. I was so worried about gossip and becoming the topic of conversation, I’d made us an island in the middle of a landlocked state.

  In the process I’d hurt a lot of people. I was working on lifting my eyes and seeing those around me, letting other people in, thinking about other people besides Max and me. It wasn’t easy. My gut reflex was to hold Max close and shut the world out. But I wasn’t going to give up on it.

  It was time to give this town and these people a chance.

  It was time to let Max flourish in the place he would forever call home, no matter what he did with the rest of his life.

  “I get that,” Jamie said kindly. “But I’m glad the truth is out now. That must have been a heavy burden to carry.”

  It had been. But I didn’t realize how heavy until it was off my shoulders. “I’m glad the truth is out, too,” I said honestly. “I’m glad the Coles get to know Max. And I’m beyond happy he gets to know them. They’re wonderful people. I guess… I guess I judged them before I ever knew them. I didn’t give them enough credit.”

  She gave me a funny look. “It’s funny how we do that, huh?”

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  She nudged my shoulder with hers. “Oh, I don’t know, maybe it means that I basically had to beg you to be friends with me. You’re a tough nut to crack, Ruby Dawson.”

  My cheeks flushed with embarrassment. “You didn’t have to beg me to be friends with you.”

  Her eyes bugged. “Um, do you remember me practically throwing Halloween supplies at you? Yes, I did.”

  I tipped my head back and laughed. “Is that what you were doing? I assumed all the other moms knew what you wanted them to do and ran away screaming.”

  She shrugged. “Okay, maybe there was a little bit of that, too. But I also wanted to be your friend. You’re the only other normal mom in that classroom.”

  “I’d hardly consider myself normal.”

  “Ha! Normal to me is not sitting around, getting drunk on wine at four o’clock in the afternoon and talking about how not hot all the guys we graduated high school with have gotten.”

  “That’s what I’m missing in the Mommy and Me classes? I think I’m okay with that. I don’t see any problem with the wine though. Totally on board with the wine.”

  She snorted a laugh. “Okay, that makes two of us. We can start our own Mommy and Me wine date. But o
nly if you promise me we can talk about normal things and not high school.”

  “Done and done.”

  Her eyes flickered behind me and she leaned in to whisper, “Although there are some men we graduated with that are worth mentioning now and again.”

  I spun around to see who she was talking about and came face to face with Levi. His eyes swept over me, head to toe, taking in my form fitting emerald sweater dress and knee-high boots. It was an outfit Coco had donated to my Ruby’s-closet-needs-help fund. It made sense for her, even though she’d handed it off to me claiming it suited my coloring better than hers. She had the junk in the trunk to make it look banging. My junk didn’t stay in the trunk and was currently being contained by Spanx and sheer will.

  I fidgeted self-consciously and refused to speak first. Mostly because I didn’t know what to say or how to speak to him or what our new, weird, strictly-platonic relationship looked like. Besides his eyes were unfairly bright against the ivory, cable-knit sweater he wore.

  “I was just stepping out to look for you,” he said. No hello. No smile. “They’ve dimmed the lights.”

  “Okay, thanks.” If he wasn’t going to smile at me, I wasn’t going to smile at him. Two could play at this game. Although he managed to look casually aloof, while I was sure I resembled a lost pod person.

  He didn’t move. I didn’t either.

  Finally, his patience thinned, revealed by his ticking jaw. “Are you coming?”

  I licked dry lips and tugged on my dress. “Right behind you.”

  He shot Jamie a curt smile and turned around, disappearing back inside. I gave her a “help me” look. “Did that feel like a scolding to you?”

  She pursed her lips together to hide her smile. “Mm-hmm. Little bit.”

  My eyes widened. “Nobody’s ever reprimanded me over Max before. I’m the only one that shows up for that kid.”

  She couldn’t help the grin that stretched across her face. “Not anymore.”

  Not anymore. What a weird, strange, bizarre, all-the-other-adjectives-for-not-normal feeling.

  I said goodbye to Jamie and hurried down the sloping auditorium aisle until I found the Coles. Levi had remained in the aisle, like an attendant with a chip on his shoulder.

  He held out his hand, showing the way and I realized he intended for me to sit between him and his mom. “Go ahead,” I told him, mortified.

  He sighed again. “She wants to sit by you.”

  Glancing around the tightly packed seats, I quickly looked for somewhere, anywhere, else to sit. I was happy to be on good terms with the Coles, but I did not want to be a Cole sandwich. That was going way, way too far.

  Levi seemed to sense my panic and put his hand on my waist to stop me from fleeing. “She’s harmless.”

  The heat of his hand penetrated the not-thick-enough material of my dress. My belly flipped unexpectedly. “This feels weird,” I managed to say, despite the pounding of my heart.

  He leaned in, his mouth settling next to my ear. “She just wants to get to know you.”

  I nearly laughed. Nobody wanted to get to know me. My own mother barely wanted to know me. “She scares me,” I whispered back, voice trembling.

  His sudden smile was enough to make my knees knock together. God, I’d missed that look on his face.

  “Her bark is bigger than her bite,” he whispered. “I promise.”

  “Promise to save me if I start putting my foot in my mouth?”

  He shook his head. “Eventually. I’ll probably enjoy the show for a while first.”

  My mouth pursed in a disapproving pinch. “You’re insufferable, Levi Cole.”

  His grin kicked up another notch. “And you’re making my mother nervous by not sitting down, Ruby Dawson.” I turned around at that warning, anxious to get to my seat before the program started, when I felt his hand pat me on the bum at the same time he made a clicking sound with his mouth—the kind you’d use on a horse when you were trying to get the beast to move faster.

  My eyes bulged but I refused to turn around and acknowledge that completely inappropriate, not to mention, rude gesture. By the time we sat down his snickers had died down at least.

  It was nice to know one of us thought he was funny.

  “Hi,” I said breathlessly to Darcy and Rich, deciding it was better to ignore Levi altogether. Hot or cold, he was an enigma I didn’t understand. “Sorry I’m so late. We had some major costume malfunctions tonight.” At Darcy’s concerned look, I rushed to assure her, “We got everything figured out. My amateur sewing skills were severely tested tonight.”

  “Oh, well any time you need help with that, just call me,” she offered like all the other times I’d spoken to her since Thanksgiving. “I know my way around a sewing machine. I can do whatever you need.”

  My smile was genuine. “That would be great. There are a surprising amount of projects like this in elementary school I’m unqualified for.”

  “I remember,” Darcy laughed gently. “Logan and Levi seemed to always need something sewn or hot-glued or put back together. Not to mention their clothes. Boys are so hard on their pants especially. If you need holes patched or buttons put back on, I’d love to help with those.”

  My dry throat made it hard to say, “Thank you,” but I choked it out.

  She smiled at me. “I can’t wait to see him. I’m sure he’ll be amazing. He has that presence about him.”

  I was surprised by her enthusiasm. I mean, he had no lines and held a pool cue we’d bought from Goodwill and wrapped with masking tape as a staff. It was safe to say, no performance tonight was going to be Oscar worthy. “I’m so glad you got good seats,” I told her.

  She blushed, the planes of her cheeks heating red and reminding me of Levi. “I was so excited for tonight, we showed up a little early.”

  Rich leaned forward and grumbled, “Yeah, an hour and a half early. I’m going to have to see the chiropractor tomorrow for my sore ass.”

  I cackled a surprise laugh just as the house lights turned off and the principal came out to greet everyone. I relaxed back in my seat feeling lighter than I ever had.

  Levi leaned in, his breath lifting the hair around my ear. “I told you.”

  I waved him off and focused on Mrs. Detrick, the principal. I didn’t know how to navigate this new territory with Levi.

  Clearly it was safer for us to keep our distance from each other. And I could tell he hadn’t fully forgiven me for keeping Max a secret and probably for sleeping with his brother, although he would never admit that out loud.

  We were back to our old ways of picking on each other and avoiding when we could. There were still those tender moments between us, but I supposed there always would be. There was too much history there for us to totally hate each other.

  And so this must be the new normal. It sucked. And yet, like the addict I was, I would take whatever sweetness I could from him. And in the interlude, I’d wear my pride like armor and let his shortness with me bounce off.

  Rich and Darcy enjoyed the play immensely. They cheered loudly for Max when he walked from behind the curtain in the makeshift shepherd’s costume, herding kindergarten sheep from one side of the stage to the other.

  Even Levi seemed entertained by the cuteness of the kids and the holiday spirit filling the air. He whistled loudly at the end, shouting Max’s name and embarrassing the poor kid until his ears turned pink.

  My lashes were wet by the time the last curtain fell. Max had never had a cheering section before. He’d only ever had me. And I clapped and hollered as much as I could, but it wasn’t the same as this, as his entire family showing up to cheer him on.

  A piece of my mama heart relaxed into the peace that it wouldn’t always be just the two of us. I wouldn’t be the only person he could ever count on. I wouldn’t be the only person to believe in him.

  “Do you mind if we say hi to him?” Darcy asked as we filled into the crowded aisles. “We brought him a little something.”

&nb
sp; “Not at all,” I told her. “We just have to pick him up from his classroom.”

  Ten minutes later, I watched Darcy and Rich present Max with a box of chocolates and a dinosaur stuffed animal for doing so well in his play. His entire face lit up with excitement and he threw his arms around Darcy in a tight hug.

  I tried to make things special, but gifts were usually only given at Christmas and his birthday. I hadn’t brought anything tonight. And I probably should have felt self-conscious about that, but instead, I enjoyed how special it was watching him get something sweet from his grandparents.

  “Mommy, Daniel’s parents are taking him out for ice cream tonight. Can we do that too?”

  Everyone’s attention turned to me and I suddenly felt like I was under a very hot, bright spotlight. “Oh, I don’t know buddy… it’s a school night and I have to be up really early in the morning.”

  “We could take him,” Rich interjected quickly. When Max’s big, bright eyes turned to him, Rich added, “Unless of course, you don’t want him to go. You’re the mom.”

  “Oh, yeah, I just… I don’t know…” I looked at Max and tried to navigate the situation. I didn’t think they wanted me to go. And I was too chicken to invite myself along.

  Did I trust them enough to take my son somewhere? My mind fast-forwarded through the night. They would have to drop him off too. And I really hated the idea of them seeing where I lived. They would judge me. They wouldn’t think it was appropriate for Max to live there.

  Obviously, I didn’t know any of that for sure. But they felt like those kinds of people. They’d had wealth and comfort for so long, they didn’t understand how the rest of us lived, the sacrifices we were forced to take to make ends meet.

  “I’ll bring him home,” Levi offered from behind me, reading my mind apparently.

  Turning to look at him, I searched his face for answers. “Are you sure? I could come pick him up too.” He’d already seen my house, so I was safe there. I was still nervous about letting Max go with them alone, but I also didn’t have a strong enough reason to keep him with me. I mean, other than being his mom.