Trailer Park Heart

by Higginson, Rachel

  They were his grandparents after all. And as far as I knew, upstanding, good people. They should take their grandson out for ice cream, right? It would be unreasonable of me to deny him this.

  Besides, the voice inside me, the gut instinct I relied so heavily on, whispered that I could trust them.

  “Can you have him home by nine?” I asked Levi specifically. That was an hour past his bedtime, but I figured one night wouldn’t hurt.

  Darcy looked at her watch, noting that was only an hour and a half with him. “I suppose that’s fine,” she said. “Maybe we could get more time with him this weekend?”

  “Let’s tackle ice cream first, Mom,” Levi said, rescuing my pounding heart from beating straight out of my chest. “Then we’ll bother Ruby about this weekend.”

  I tried to smile reassuringly, but it trembled. “He’ll love ice cream,” I said. “This is a great idea.”

  “Okay, wonderful.” Darcy sounded so confident, so like she had her life together and could protect my son and get him home to me safe. I knew I needed to trust her and let this part of Max go, but it was hard. I had to pay my mother to babysit him. She rarely volunteered to keep him on her own. I just wasn’t used to this.

  It was hard for me to even want to get used to it.

  “I need to give you his booster seat,” I told them.

  “I’ll grab it,” Levi volunteered. “Dad, you could pull the car around?”

  With a plan made, I kissed Max goodbye and made him promise to be good. He smiled and asked if he could get a double scoop. I told him it was up to Darcy and nearly swallowed my tongue giving up that small amount of control to another person.

  God, I really was a helicopter mom.

  “He’ll be fine,” Levi promised as he followed me out to my car. “My parents won’t let anything happen to him.”

  “I know,” I said.

  “Is this really that hard for you?”

  The snow had started coming down in big, fat flakes that clung to my hair and dress. The only winter coat I had was a big, bulky thing that I only broke out in emergency situations and when the Nebraska winters dipped below zero. Otherwise, I toughed it out without one.

  “It’s just strange, okay? Max has only ever had me. My mom sometimes watches him for me, and she gets him on the bus most mornings, but she doesn’t want to do those things. I pay her for her time.”

  “You pay your mom to watch her grandson?”

  The way he asked the question made me feel about an inch tall. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and learn to live there. “Not always,” I quickly adjusted. “Like in the mornings, I don’t pay her for that.”

  “Just if you want to leave any other time.” He read between the lines.

  I spun around at my driver’s side door and planted a hand on my hip. “Listen, Mr. Judgy. I raised Max all by myself, okay? It’s been the two of us for six years. I’ve managed. I’ve figured it out. I’ve handled everything, okay? You know my mom. You know what she’s like. I’m just happy she’s involved in his life. It might not look how it should to you or anybody else, but that’s fine, because it’s my life. It’s how we do things and I’m okay with all of it.”

  He didn’t back down and feel bad like I did. He seemed to gain steam, his shoulders straightening and his eyes flashing. The snow fell all around us, muffling the parking lot and casting us in the shine of pure white beauty. “But are you?” he demanded. “Are you okay with it? When are you going to start demanding more from people, Ruby? When are you going to recognize how special you are? How much you’re worth? When are you going to start asking other people to treat you how you should be treated? You’re worth so much more than you let people get away with.”

  He knocked the wind from my lungs and I gasped, struggling to catch my breath again. “I do know what I’m worth,” I shot back, scrambling to gather my wits so I could show him exactly how amazing I was. “My mom’s not going to change because I want her to. And as for everyone else, I’m an independent woman, Levi. I stand up for myself. I don’t let anyone get away with anything. I own my shit.”

  “You hide from everything,” he countered. “You hide, and you cower, and you expect the worst so you don’t take a risk on anything.”

  “How dare you—”

  “Like me,” he snapped. “Or high school. You played the victim card for years. Oh, poor little Ruby Dawson, nobody wants to be my friend. Wrong. Plenty of people would have been your friend if you would have let them. Me included. Now after all these years, you’re still playing it.” He stepped forward, caging me in against my car. “It’s time to wake up, Ruby. Start paying attention. Start facing the mountains you’ve made in your head and realize there’s nothing there but your own fear.”

  I’d already unlocked my car when we walked up to it, so he didn’t have to wait for me. After he’d spoken his piece and wrecked my entire life, he walked around the car, yanked open the door, grabbed Max’s booster seat and slammed the door behind him.

  “I’ll have Max back to you by nine,” he confirmed. Then he disappeared inside the building while I stood in the snow desperately trying to collect my dignity and pride and all the things I thought I knew about life and this town and him.

  But it was no use. His words bounced around my head in meaningless balls of tangled truths. Was he right?

  Of course he was right.

  Damn him.

  I did hide away. I didn’t engage with this town because I assumed they were talking trash about me, but the truth was, I didn’t know.

  And if they were? So what. Did I care about their opinions so much I should let them cripple me? No. The answer was a resounding no.

  By the time Levi showed up with Max at our home later, five minutes past nine, I decided Levi had brought up some valid points, but he was still the worst and I should hate him for his unwanted opinions.

  He didn’t get out of his truck. He just dropped Max off and let him carry his booster to the door—which he was perfectly capable of doing, it just further pissed me off.

  Levi waved to Max after I opened the door and then drove off, not even acknowledging me. The bastard.

  “D-did you have fun?” I asked Max, desperate to get my mind off the night and Levi and my slowly breaking heart.

  “I had the best time!” he confirmed. “I’m so glad we know Darcy and Rich now. They’re the best.”

  “Great,” I said absentmindedly. “Let’s get you ready for bed.”

  We did all the necessary things—shower, pajamas, teeth, bedtime story. And when I was finally tucking him into bed, I said, “I’m glad you went out for ice cream with Darcy and Rich. I’m glad you had fun tonight.”

  “It was fun,” he confirmed again. “They’re nice people.” He seemed to think about it for a minute before adding, “But I missed you. I wish you could have come.”

  His sweet, truthful words repaired some of the damage Levi had done tonight. My heart beat normally again and my soul felt pieced back together.

  “I wish I could have come too,” I whispered honestly. “Next time, okay?”

  He nodded. “Okay, next time.”

  I kissed his forehead one more time and left him to fall asleep.

  That night, I dreamed about high school graduation and kissing Levi again. Only my dream went farther than reality. I didn’t seek out Logan that night. I stayed with Levi. I faced my feelings and found a way to be brave. I ignored the deep desire to leave Clark City and admitted how much I cared for him. How much I wanted to be with him. And I stayed with the man I now realized that I’ve loved for as long as I could remember.

  22

  Giver’s Remorse

  Christmas morning, I found myself face to face with the Coles again. Darcy had called at the beginning of the week and asked what our plans were for Christmas.

  It had been an uncomfortable question because we never did anything special, but I could tell she wanted us to go over there. I just wasn’t sure how much of my life I w
as willing to give to these people.

  Okay, that wasn’t fair. The truth was, Darcy and Rich were seriously growing on me. They were reserved by nature, but incredibly giving people that only wanted the very best for Max. And that I could respect.

  But after Levi’s unkind words in the school parking lot, I wasn’t in a huge hurry to see him again. And he seemed to be a packaged deal when it came to spending time with the grandparents. Any time they wanted to get together, he was always there. He might have stopped coming in the diner during my shifts, but he hadn’t exactly stepped out of my life.

  In fact, he seemed more a part of it now than ever before.

  But Darcy had been insistent. She’d never had a grandchild before and she’d been shopping for him ever since Thanksgiving, and couldn’t I indulge her by letting her spoil Max a little bit?

  It was a hard request to say no to. It was safe to say, I had never spoiled Max before. Especially when it came to gifts.

  Our Christmas traditions included going to the Christmas Eve candlelight service at the Baptist church and opening one present when we got home. Then when Max went to bed, I would spread out the rest of the presents around our tiny, coffee-table size fake tree and fill his stocking with candy, socks, and underwear that he always needed. He’d wake up around the earliest ray of light possible, presents would be over before it was even officially light outside and then I’d scramble us some eggs and bacon for breakfast. We’d spend the rest of the day playing with the few toys he got and putting our annual puzzle together.

  Sometimes my mom was there, sometimes she had to work. She didn’t contribute a lot either way. But she usually got him one decent present that added to the day.

  It wasn’t a lot, but it was ours. And I loved our lazy day of lounging in our pajamas and munching on Christmas candy until we felt sick.

  Now Darcy wanted me to share that with her?

  Again, it felt strange, but that didn’t mean it was bad. And what had Levi said? I couldn’t cower forever.

  For Max, I could step outside my comfort zone and try something new. If I didn’t like how this morning went, we didn’t have to do it next year. I could make something up or be straight-up honest with her that we had our own thing Christmas morning.

  Until then, I had to face this morning.

  We’d done everything we usually did, except this morning, after Max was done opening his gifts from me, I made him get dressed instead of making him breakfast. He knew we were headed over to Rich and Darcy’s so he didn’t even complain.

  Their house was beautiful this morning. The tasteful Christmas lights and mounds of white snow packed against their house made it look like it belonged in a snow globe. It didn’t always snow over Christmas, but I loved when it did. This year, we’d been blessed with mountains of snow and especially cold weather.

  I wasn’t going to complain though. The weather only added to the magic in my opinion.

  “Where’s your coat?” Rich asked as we shook off our boots just inside their door.

  My blush warmed my frozen cheeks. “Oh, I have one in the car. I just hate wearing it.”

  “It’s miserable out there!” Rich exclaimed. “But at least it’s in the car. I would hate for you to break down in this weather and freeze to death.”

  I blinked at him. “Me too.”

  “Don’t look at me like that,” he scolded. “It can happen. You wouldn’t believe how many cars break down in this weather. Good cars even. It’s too cold for anyone to be safe from this. Do you have gloves in your car?” I was a little freaked out by his warning so all I could do was shake my head no. “Scarves? Snow pants? Candles? A weather radio? Blankets?”

  “No, I don’t even own most of that stuff.”

  He made a sound in the back of his throat. “Are you sure you’re from Nebraska?”

  “Uh…”

  “I’m just teasing.” He smiled widely, reminding me so much of Levi. “I’ll put a cold weather car bag together for you. I’m sure we have almost all of that stuff lying around somewhere.”

  “Oh, you don’t have to—”

  “Yes, I do. And besides, I want to. Better to be safe than get caught off guard.”

  “O-Okay.”

  “Dad, stop harassing Ruby.”

  Rich turned around and shot a sheepish grin at his son. “You have your cold weather kit in your truck, don’t you?”

  Levi nodded patiently. “And we’ll send Ruby home with one but let her in the door first.”

  “Oh, right,” Rich murmured, stepping out of the way for us.

  “You’re here!” Darcy cheered as she rounded the corner with two mugs of coffee in her hands. “This is for you,” she told me. “Levi says, you need creamer. I hope I didn’t put in too much. He just said you prefer it the color of sand.”

  I looked into the cup and smiled. It was perfect. “Maybe not quite sand,” I said. “But this looks great.”

  She smiled proudly and then turned to Max. “And for you I have hot chocolate. Does that sound good?”

  He nodded excitedly. “Okay, follow me. We’ll have some pancakes and eggs and then we’ll see what Santa brought us.”

  “Santa comes to your house too?” Max asked, trailing after her into the kitchen. “You don’t have any kids here. Mom says Santa only comes for kids and that’s why she never gets any presents.”

  Darcy sent me a knowing look over her shoulder and I tried to will myself invisible, but it didn’t work. “I sent him a letter telling him I just discovered you were my grandson. And I asked him to come specifically for you. Guess what?”

  I heard his curious, “What?”

  “He did come. And I think he felt bad for missing so many Christmases from years past, because he brought way too much stuff!”

  Even Max sounded skeptical when he asked in a careful voice, “He did?”

  Darcy’s voice dropped to serious. “Maybe not too much. Maybe he brought just the right amount.” She started moving things around the kitchen, but my feet seemed frozen in place in the entryway. I didn’t want to be brave for this. I wanted to grab Max and run.

  This was what I was worried about. My eyes found the breathtaking real Christmas tree, decorated with a thousand twinkling lights and precious ornaments. It was packed with presents in all shapes and sizes. There was a bike with a bow leaned against the wall. A gigantic stuffed teddy bear cradled at least thirty big presents. I didn’t even know where that damn thing would go. It was bigger than my kitchen.

  Max was going to take one look at all that these people could give him and beg to live here permanently. I would never be able to give him this stuff.

  I would never have given it to him had I been able to. It was too much. Completely over the top. He wouldn’t even know what to do with half of it.

  God, what was I thinking? Why were we here? We lived in a different world than these people. I’d had to save up all year long just so I could give him basic things. This year, I’d used the money from my tax return last year and splurged on a kid’s Kindle Fire. I knew he loved games that he could only play on Coco’s iPad.

  But that would pale in comparison to everything he had here. Everything the Coles could give him and I could not.

  “I told her she did too much,” Levi whispered, suddenly next to me. “I told her she was going to freak you out.”

  “I’m not freaked out.”

  He nudged me with his elbow. “You’re a little freaked out.”

  “I just… I didn’t know people did Christmas like this. I mean, I’ve seen it in movies and magazines or whatever. I read about a crazy Christmas in a book once. But I’ve never seen it in real life.” I whipped my head around to face him. “Is this what Christmas was like for you every year?”

  He laughed and shook his head. “No. God, no. My parents never spoiled Logan and me like this. I mean, we had good Christmases… but nothing like this.”

  That made me feel a little bit better. “What is the point of that King-Ko
ng-size bear? She doesn’t expect me to take that home, does she? It won’t even fit in my car. How would I even get it in the house? I’m afraid it’s going to come alive and eat us in our sleep.”

  His head tipped back and the sound of his deep, rumbly laugh soothed the frayed and frantic pieces of me. He was the giant bear. Metaphorically of course. But he was like that larger than life cuddly stuffed animal. I just wanted to crawl into his lap and take a nap.

  “She’s turning part of the basement into a playroom for him,” he explained. “Most of the stuff here is for that. She was worried he would get bored over here.”

  I snorted. “Talk about irrational fears.” Damn. I wanted to slap my hand over my mouth. I hadn’t meant to say that out loud. “Er...”

  “About that,” Levi interrupted, not shying away from the topic at all. “I’ve been meaning to apologize for what I said to you the other night.”

  “An apology?” I sounded as skeptical as I felt. “From Levi Cole? Are you feeling okay?”

  He gave me a look. “I’m trying to be sincere.”

  “I think you were pretty sincere the other night.”

  “Ruby, would you let me tell you I’m sorry?”

  “You’ve never told me you were sorry,” I told him. “Why start now?”

  He grabbed my hand, stopping me from running to the kitchen and finding safety in Max and pancakes.

  “Stop, woman, god, stop already.”

  I glared at him. His thumb rubbed the inside of my palm in a soothing way.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered, making the moment intimate and private. “I’m sorry I said all of that bullshit. You’re not a coward. You’re the bravest woman I know. I’m just…” His gaze flickered to the kitchen. “Frustrated with how things turned out. I’ve been taking that out on you. It’s not your fault.”

  He meant Max. He meant his brother’s child. “It’s kind of my fault,” I countered.

  Sighing, he agreed. “Okay, it’s your fault. Still, I shouldn’t… I can’t punish you for that now. I mean, there’s no point. There’s not even a chance that…” He ran a hand through his hair, looking as flustered as he sounded. “What I mean is that I don’t blame you for Max. Truly, in my heart, I couldn’t be happier to have him be a part of our lives. I feel so lucky that we get a piece of my brother. It feels like an extra blessing we don’t deserve.”