An Alien's Guide to the Human Species

by Deb McEwan

  Phil spoke to his mother when his family were out of earshot. ‘Mam, you know it’s our anniversary next week? Any chance you can have the kids for the whole weekend? We haven’t had much time on our own for ages and Caroline’s been overdoing it lately. I’d love to give her a treat.’

  Donna said they’d love to look after the children and Elvis for the weekend and she’d speak to his father, so Phil could plan their secret trip away.

  Max. ‘Adults sometimes celebrate the anniversaries of when they married and give each other gifts or trips away. Sometimes if male adults forget these anniversaries, this can bring on severe headaches for the females and this stops them from being able to mate.’

  The children were exhausted after the excitement of the day and they were bathed and ready for bed. Phil read them a story and went to put the lights out and as usual the children tried various tactics to stay awake a little longer.

  ‘I want to be a giant when I grow up.’ Phil walked towards the door. ‘You’re going to be very tall, son but I don’t think there’s any actual giants in our family.’

  ‘But I could be a giant couldn’t I, it’s not impossible?’

  ‘No, son, it’s not impossible, just unlikely.’

  ‘I want to be a twin.’

  ‘That is impossible, Jemima.’

  ‘But why can’t I be a twin if Jack can be a giant?’

  ‘Because you have to be born a twin, Jemima, you can’t just grow into one, but you can grow up to be a giant.’

  They said their goodnights and the children were sleeping by the time Phil joined Caroline downstairs.

  What a great day and he’d be able to surprise Caroline next weekend. Life was good.

  Chapter 18

  The show had now become a regular routine for all the Terries. Bobby, Flora and their family were all sitting snugly in their living area, waiting for Human Species to start.

  Keesha was concerned about the snacks. ‘Daddy, what if worms are as brave as spiders and we’re eating them instead of giving them a chance to prove their worth.’

  Her mother answered. ‘I see what you mean, honey. Give me the worms and I’ll set them free. You can go back to eating what you used to eat.’

  ‘What about the rest of you?’ Said Keesha.

  ‘I’m for worms.’ Said Dorset, followed closely by Nectarine. ‘Me too.’ Said each of the parents.

  Keesha back-pedalled. ‘Weeelll, I suppose our clever scientists would have told us to stop eating them if they were as clever as spiders.’

  Her father smiled. ‘Exactly.’

  Flora tried to keep a straight face. ‘But well done, Keesha for thinking about it. Like a worm?’

  The show started as the family were tucking into their snacks.

  Max. ‘As Phil and Caroline are going away for the weekend, Caroline wants to ensure that the house is clean and tidy before Phil’s parents arrive. Humans moult their skin and this causes a build-up of what they call dust. Dust has to be wiped away if humans want their homes to look good and if they don’t clean areas they live in, germs may spread there and cause them to be ill. Also, if they don’t keep their homes clean, friends and neighbours may think they’re dirty and talk about them behind their backs.’

  Caroline thought her dislike of housework was one of the few things she had in common with her mother. Whilst Caroline cleaned as often as was necessary, she would rather play with the children, do the ironing, or stab herself with needles than do housework. Being in a modern marriage with both of them working, Phil was quite happy to do his share of the chores.

  The children were playing in the garden. ‘Usual routine, Phil, you do upstairs, I’ll do down here. OK?’

  Phil wasn’t in the mood for cleaning either and was looking forward to going away the following day. He looked at Caroline. ‘The place is OK, love, it’s only my parents coming, not royalty.’

  Max explained. ‘Royalty are posh humans who are born to rule various countries and when they die, their children rule after them. Royalty are not members of the Supreme Government and not all countries have them.’

  ‘Humans who are not royalty are known as commoners. Commoners don’t like royalty to see dust and dirt, so when royalty visit, commoners have to make sure that their homes are sparklingly clean and preferably freshly decorated. Royal humans therefore tend to visit commoners in public areas rather than their homes so that commoners don’t have to spend too much of their hard earned wages on cleaning products and paint. As royalty are not visiting Phil and Caroline, they only need to do their regular weekly housework, albeit on a Thursday not Tuesday to our surprise.’

  Max and Vicky were coming to the end of their shift and would soon be handing over to the evening team when they heard Phil cleaning and dusting.

  ‘Twice this week, must be coz they’re going away.’ Said Max.

  ‘Shall we keep out of his way while we wait to hand over?’ Asked Vicky.

  Max thought about this. As far as he could remember, there wasn’t any footage of Phil vacuuming and the dog going crazy. It might be good fun for the Terries to see.

  ‘No, record it, Vic and zoom in if there’s any good bits. Elvis can be quite entertaining when he’s chasing the vacuum cleaner or thinks it’s chasing him.’

  Phil had finished dusting upstairs and had cleaned the bathroom. He went downstairs to get the vacuum cleaner from the cupboard under the stairs. It was brand new, the model with superior suction that will amaze you! Boy, they knew how to spoil themselves. Phil made his way upstairs preparing to be amazed and was followed by Elvis.

  ‘Go back down, boy, you know you don’t like the cleaner.’

  Elvis was very wary of the vacuum cleaner, but also intrigued by it. He pretended not to hear Phil and sneaked into the master bedroom when Phil was plugging in the appliance. Vicky’s webcam was switched on all ready to rock n roll and Phil hit the appliance on switch.

  The hose came to life and writhed around like a giant serpent about to attack its enemy. Elvis yelped and ran under the bed cowering. Vicky felt a force pulling at her and despite holding onto the linen basket as if her life depended on it, she was torn from there and sucked into the hose. Elvis seeing the spider disappear into the hose, ran from his hiding place and barked at the vacuum cleaner. Vicky whorled up into the hose like a cow in a twister and Max could only watch in horror as the love of his life disappeared before his very eyes.

  ‘Shhh, boy it’s OK.’ Phil stroked Elvis to calm him down, but the dog kept barking. ‘Damn machine’s got something stuck in there.’ Phil removed the dust collector to get a better look and took it to the bin to empty it.

  Max was distraught and didn’t notice the dog looking at him until it was too late. He stood his ground bravely and prepared to meet his maker.

  Elvis barked.

  ‘Follow me and hurry up.’

  It took Max a nano second to compose himself.

  ‘I thought I couldn’t understand you unless I had the translator on.’

  ‘I can choose to speak to you as and when I wish, now do you want to see if we can rescue her or not?’

  Max wasted no more time and hurried down the stairs after Elvis. By the time he got there the dog was out the front with Phil, running around him and trying to stop him from getting to the bin. Max saw the plan and when Phil had put the dust collector down to try and calm Elvis, he ran to it as fast as he could.

  She was covered in all manner of waste including dust and dog hairs and Max blew as hard as he could to try and remove all the gunk from Vicky. One of her legs was missing as well. At first he thought he was too late and he collapsed on the pavement distraught. Then, out of the muck came a little cough. Max doubled his earlier efforts and Vicky opened her eyes. He checked her over and there didn’t appear to be any permanent damage, not physical damage anyway. Although one leg had gone and it must have been painful, another would grow in its place. While Phil was still trying to calm Elvis, Max grabbed Vicky and they made their wa
y back into the house as fast as she was able.

  ‘Caroline, I think our dog’s got mental health issues.’

  ‘Phil, can you just stop messing around and finish the housework, they’ll be here shortly.’

  Phil shook his head and looked at Elvis who was now sitting on the doorstep looking innocently at his master.

  ‘What was all that about?’

  Elvis put his head to one side to make himself look as cute and loveable as possible. He stood up and ran to Phil wagging his tail.

  ‘How could anyone be annoyed with you for long, eh?’ Elvis barked and ran around chasing his tail for a few seconds. As he suspected that did the trick. Phil started laughing and petted the dog and they both walked back inside the house.

  ‘What was all that about then?’ Caroline asked her husband.

  ‘Doesn’t matter love. How are you getting on?’

  ‘Finished down here and the kids are watching a DVD. Where’s Elvis?’

  ‘Not sure, I’ll go find him.’

  ‘Don’t worry, let’s chill for a minute and have a nice cuppa tea. Your parents will be here shortly.’

  Elvis had gone back upstairs to the master bedroom where he found Max and Vicky under the dressing table. ‘Come out please I want to talk to you.’

  Vicky was still shaking from her ordeal but Max explained what Elvis had done to save her life.

  ‘He can’t mean us any harm otherwise he wouldn’t have created a diversion earlier.’

  Vicky was unconvinced but trusted Max and felt too weak to argue. They crawled gingerly out from under the dressing table.

  ‘Right.’ Said Elvis. ‘What’s going on here? I know you’re filming my pack but what for.’

  Max thought that honesty was the best policy but the dog would probably take a lot of convincing.

  ‘Fair enough, we’re filming what humans would call a TV documentary. The show is being broadcast to a planet called Largo for their inhabitants, the Terries, to learn about humans and Earth.’

  ‘Pull the other one, Mr Spider, it’s got bells on?’

  Max didn’t know what to say.

  ‘One more chance, Mr Spider before I throw you and your girlfriend out on your behinds.’

  Although Max was frightened, he was also very tired and exasperated. It had been one hell of a day and he didn’t want to get into it with this massive fur ball.

  ‘Where’s the cute puppy routine gone, eh? You’re asking what we’re up to, well what about you, boy, what’s your story?’

  Elvis ignored the question. ‘I’ve got all the time in the world, now spill.’ He lay down and crossed his front paws over each other.

  Vicky could see that they’d reached an impasse.

  ‘You’ll have to show him the Ops Room, Max, prove to him that you’re telling the truth.’

  Max breathed a heavy sigh.

  ‘Look, Elvis, I need to show you something but I also need to know you’re not going to ruin it for us, otherwise we’re likely to end up as Terry snacks.’

  ‘I don’t think you’re in a position to bargain. Max, is it? Show me, then we’ll talk again.’

  ‘OK, let’s go to the garden.’

  Elvis was amazed when Max showed him the Ops Room in the garden and the Editing Suite and Cutting Room next to it, and explained the whole set-up. He also showed him the Shedding Suite.

  ‘So, are your Terries planning to invade and takeover the planet? Is that what this is about?’

  Max and Vicky chuckled and Max replied. ‘You’ve obviously watched too many sci-fi movies. This is merely for educational purposes and your family are the main stars of the show! We’ve known Caroline and Phil since they started dating and have followed their progress.’ He took a breath and looked at Elvis.

  ‘Where do we go from here?’

  Elvis wasn’t entirely comfortable with what had been happening but conceded that none of his pack or their extended family had been harmed during the process so far. He admired the bravery of these extra-terrestrial spiders. From what they’d told him they hadn’t had it easy and their work on Earth must have felt like a holiday compared to their previous lives.

  ‘OK, here’s the deal. I’ll allow you to carry on with what you’re doing as long as no harm comes to my pack. If I see any sign of them being put in danger, you, Max, will have me to answer to. Understand?’

  ‘Totally, Elvis. Now will you explain to me the puppy routine?’

  ‘Easy. They love to see me being cute and wacky and I just love to see them all laughing and happy. I’ll grow out of the puppy stage in a few months and no harm done. They’ve been really good to me and I’ll always love the Gibsons and the signs are that they’ll always love me.’

  ‘Aw, that’s so sweet.’ Although Vicky was a spider, she was a girl as well and Elvis rolled his eyes.

  ‘Sweet nothing, girl, that’s just the way it is. But remember you two, I’m watching. Now do one.’

  ‘Eh?’

  ‘Disappear for the night. I’ll see you around no doubt.’

  Max put a leg around Vicky to help her into the house and they slunk away as fast as they were able. Max briefed the next shift on the extraordinary events of the day and it was 2 weeks before Vicky’s bed rest ended and she was fully fit physically, and able to resume her duties.

  *****

  Witnessing Vicky’s near death experience with the vacuum cleaner made Max realise exactly how much she meant to him. Phil and Caroline were getting ready for their weekend away and Max had decided that him and Vicky would go with them and cover the event. This would give them some quality time as a couple and give Max the opportunity to ask Vicky a very important question.

  Max started the commentary. ‘As I’ve explained before, Earth youngsters shouldn’t be left to fend for themselves until they’re at least 14 years old. Although Phil and Caroline are really looking forward to spending some time on their own, Caroline’s still feeling rather emotional about leaving the children for a whole weekend.’

  Phil’s parents had decided it would be easier for them to stay at their son’s home, rather than moving the children and all their play things to their own bungalow.

  Max. ‘A bungalow is a one-storey Earth dwelling. Old people usually live in bungalows as they have to empty their waste disposal units more often than young people, and if some houses don’t have downstairs toilets, old people would hurt their knees going up and down stairs all day. As bungalows don’t have any stairs, the toilets are all downstairs thereby making old peoples’ knees last a little longer.’

  Caroline wanted to brief Donna on the routine before they left.

  ‘I know you like to spoil them but can you make sure Jack’s in bed for 8 and Jemima for 7.30, even though it’s the weekend? They’ll be grumpy if they don’t have enough sleep.’

  ‘Yes, dear.’ Donna planned on doing things her own way and wanted Caroline and her son to get off so she could take over.

  ‘Not too many sweets or fizzy drinks or they’ll be hyper.’

  ‘Yes, dear.’

  ‘Don’t let them watch Dr Who as they might have nightmares.’

  ‘I have looked after them before, Caroline and raised two of my own thank you very much!’ Donna folded her arms and frowned at Caroline.

  ‘I know, I’m sorry. It’s just that I’m not used to leaving them.’

  ‘It’s hard the first time but we are their grandparents and it’s our job to spoil them a little.’

  ‘Thanks so much for this.’ She hugged Donna and Trevor and they all said their goodbyes. Caroline started crying in the car.

  Phil laughed. ‘Buck up, love, it’s only the weekend and I thought you wanted to get away?’

  ‘Oh I do and it’s a lovely surprise. I know I’m being stupid.’ Wiping her eyes. ‘Actually it’s a great feeling to forget about our responsibilities for a few days. What music do you want to listen to?’

  Max and Vicky were in the back of the car. Max had taken off his webcam and set
it to automatic. He’d stuck it on the side of a seat, out of sight of Phil and Caroline, but angled to film them. He gave his full attention to Vicky.

  ‘I love you, Vic, I’m so glad you weren’t too badly hurt by the vacuum cleaner.’

  Vicky felt like her heart would explode. ‘Max, we’re meant to be. Words can’t explain how much I adore you.’

  They kissed and when Max tried to take things a bit further, Vicky remembered where they were.

  ‘Let’s wait until we get to their hotel. And remember, honey, we are supposed to be working.’

  Max looked at Vicky and couldn’t believe how lucky he was.

  ‘OK, I’ll try and be professional and concentrate on work.’ Max took a couple of deep breaths and did a piece for the tape.

  ‘So off they went to their 5 star luxury spa hotel in the countryside.’

  Phil stopped on the way and parked the car at the side of a lane that led to a field and winked at Caroline.

  ‘Right, out of the car, we’re having a picnic.’

  ‘But I didn’t pack anything.’

  ‘Don’t worry, darling, it’s all sorted, come with me.’

  Phil opened the boot.

  ‘Ta dah!’

  He ceremoniously pulled out a blanket and Caroline saw that it covered a food hamper. Phil had obviously planned meticulously. He lifted the hamper and passed the blanket to Caroline to carry. They walked to a secluded field and laid the blanket on the grass. The hamper was filled with Caroline’s favourite snacks; cheese and crackers, carrots slices and dips, strawberries and pineapple and lots of chocolate. They had a small glass of wine each and leaned up against a tree after they’d finished their lunch and cleared everything back into the hamper.

  ‘That was a lovely surprise, Phil, listen to the birds, isn’t this great.’

  Phil looked at the woman he adored and stroked her face. He kissed her gently and they both lay on the blanket facing each other. Phil started to caress Caroline and his hand headed for the top of her thigh. She lifted her head.

  ‘Do you think we should, what if someone sees us?’