An Alien's Guide to the Human Species

by Deb McEwan

‘Take a look around, there’s no one about for miles.’ Said Phil

  It had been a long time since they’d abandoned themselves to lust without a single thought of the children and they both let themselves go completely.

  Max popped into the hamper while Phil and Caroline were busy. The spiders also enjoyed a picnic on the leftovers then lay down to relax and try to digest the massive amount of food they’d eaten.

  ‘Isn’t the countryside lovely, Max?’ She was right and Max was going to wait until they were at the hotel but the conditions seemed to be perfect, here in the open.

  ‘I have something to ask you, Vicky.’

  She opened her eyes and looked at him. ‘For you dear, anything.’

  ‘You know how I feel about you?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘And I want us to be together forever.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Will you marry me, Vic?’

  ‘Vicky sat up. Marry you? Yes, Max I will. Oh yes. Definitely.’

  She threw herself at him and they kissed until they had to come up for air.

  Vicky was breathing heavily. ‘Max?’

  ‘Yes my love.’

  ‘Can spiders actually get married?’

  ‘I don’t see why not, my love. Shall we ask Elvis if he’ll do the honours?’

  So it was agreed that they’d ask Elvis and they put their cameras back on ready for work, both of them on a high.

  Much later Caroline and Phil dressed, but Caroline couldn’t find her knickers, despite a search of the entire area.

  ‘That’s really weird. It is windy though. Do you think they could have blown away? I’ll have to get another pair out of the car.’

  ‘Hello, my lovelies, Patch found these, would they belong to you young lady?’

  The man held up his crook which held Caroline’s knickers; she was mortified.

  ‘Ah, thanks very much, don’t know how they got there.’

  ‘Don’t be embarrassed, my love, I’m a farmer, I’ve seen all sorts.’

  ‘Oh my God, you didn’t watch did you, Phil…’

  ‘Are you some sort of pervert, mate?’ Phil stood up to his full height.

  ‘Calm down, you’re on my land. I’ve been herding my sheep and them’s the only things I’m watching. Patch ‘ere found these unmentionables by the brook and I’m doing my good deed for the day by returning them to the lady.’

  Phil had calmed down and was trying not to be embarrassed. ‘I’m so sorry for the misunderstanding and um, thanks. And for letting us use your land as well. I didn’t realise it was private property.’

  Caroline was blushing profusely and trying to avoid eye contact with the farmer. She stroked the dog. ‘Thank you, Patch. I think we’d better make our way Phil, otherwise we’ll be late checking in.’

  The farmer turned. ‘Get away.’

  ‘I’ve apologised and said we’re going, no need to be rude.’ Snapped Caroline.

  ‘It’s sheep dog talk, Caroline, he’s telling his dog to go right.’ Whispered Phil.

  More blushes from Caroline and the farmer rolled his eyes, turned and walked away followed by Patch.

  ‘Erm, thanks again, goodbye.’ She called, but he was already too far away to hear. They made their way back to the car, Phil chuckling and Caroline thumping him as they walked.

  Chapter 19

  It was quiet in the Ops Room. Junior and his Brown Owl team were filming at the house with the usual Jacobies on standby. The other spiders had been stood down for the weekend and were all making the most of their free time.

  *****

  The Country Spa hotel was in 7 acres of parkland in a very peaceful rural setting. The hotel had an indoor swimming pool, sauna, steam room whirlpool bath and fitness room. Beauticians and masseurs were on hand to pamper and beautify the guests, the other hotel staff were on standby to cater to their guests’ every whim. Their room overlooked the rolling green countryside which backed onto a forest. Phil and Caroline didn’t notice the view until the Saturday morning and didn’t avail themselves of the hotel facilities. They spent the entire weekend rediscovering each other.

  Max and Vicky behaved like new lovers that weekend. Excited about getting married, they enjoyed each other’s bodies and talked about their hopes and dreams for the future. They put the webcams on auto as often as they could and Max did the occasional voiceover.

  Max. ‘No headache for Caroline this weekend. Let’s see how Trevor and Donna are getting on with the children shall we?’

  Donna took some sandwiches out to the garden and sat down to watch Trevor and the children playing football. It was Jack’s turn to be in goal and Trevor had just scored.

  ‘Goooooooaaaaaaaaal!.’ Trevor lifted his polo shirt up to his chest and ran around the garden in the manner of a professional footballer, but one with a barrel covering his six pack.

  ‘It’s my turn to be the striker, granddad.’

  ‘5 more minutes, Jack then it’s your turn.’

  ‘I don’t want to play anymore.’

  ‘OK OK, Jack, you come out and I’ll go in goals.’ They carried on with the football and Jemima who’d lost interest went to play on her trampoline.

  Max had agreed that Junior could practise the voiceovers then Max would edit and add his own voice on return to the Cutting Room. Junior coughed nervously. ‘Testing, testing, one, two three.’

  ‘You don’t need to do that, Junior.’ Julian shook his head. ‘Just get on with it, son eh.’

  ‘The Boss put me in charge, Julian and…’

  ‘Junior.’ Julian interrupted and when Junior saw the look he decided not to push it. He took a deep breath, then spoke into the recorder at 90 miles an hour.

  ‘Football is played by lots of people on Earth. The very good players are paid lots of money to kick the ball around the field and win the game by kicking the ball into the net. This is known as a goal. The rich footballers become very famous and usually marry pop singers with long fingernails.’

  Much later and the grandparents were attempting to get the children to bed.

  Junior. ‘Jack’s seeing how far he can push his grandparents.’

  ‘But they always let me watch Dr Who.’

  ‘Your Mam said it gives you nightmares Jack.’

  ‘Not me, that’s Jemima but Nanny’s playing with her upstairs. Pleeeeese, Grandad?’

  ‘All right then and it’ll be our little secret. Deal?’

  ‘Deal, granddad.’

  It had been a long day and Donna and Trevor were shattered after looking after the children. Now the little darlings were in bed, they could relax.

  Donna got up from the settee. ‘Nice cuppa tea love?’

  ‘Oh, that’d be lovely.’

  ‘Custard creams or chocolate biscuits?’

  Before Trevor had the chance to reply they heard Jack shouting.

  ‘They’re coming to get me, help, help.’

  Trevor practically jumped off the settee, ignoring his arthritis and sprinted up the stairs like a man 20 years younger. Elvis, who’d been sleeping peacefully, flew up the stairs after Trevor, barking manically.

  ‘I’m coming, Jack. It’s OK, I’m coming.’

  Jack was now sitting up in bed screaming. ‘They’re coming to get me, they’re coming to get me.’

  Trevor, panting, surveyed the room, there was no-one else there.

  ‘It’s OK, Jack, you’ve just had a bad dream.’ He sat on the bed and Jack cuddled into his granddad. ‘There, there, it’s OK.’

  ‘But they were real, granddad, the daleks were coming to get me.’ Jack’s fear was real.

  ‘It’s OK, Jack, you had a bad dream. You don’t normally watch Dr Who then eh?’

  ‘Well sometimes.’ Jack didn’t look at his grandfather.

  ‘Jack?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘All right. I’ll read you a story then you can go back to sleep. How does that sound?’

  Trevor heard a voice behind him. ‘Me too, granddad.’


  So Trevor read a story to Jack, Jemima and Elvis and made a mental note not to let his grandson watch Dr Who again. He reluctantly admitted that he should have listened to Caroline. When the children were settled, Trevor went quietly back downstairs. He’d let Elvis stay with Jack against Caroline’s wishes again, so that his grandson would be less frightened if he woke from a bad dream again.

  ‘I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so.’ Donna looked smug.

  Junior. ‘Humans who’ve sometimes been together for a very long time like to give advice to their partners. If their partners fail to take the advice and err because of this failure, they seem to enjoy pointing out the error of their ways.’

  ‘Point taken, now where’s that cup of tea, my love.’ So Donna went to the kitchen to put the kettle on.

  There were no more noises from upstairs and Trevor and Donna settled down to watch Andy and Annabel’s Amorous Adventures.

  Trevor dipped his chocolate biscuit in his tea. ‘I hope it’s better than Barry Bangs Babs. Bloody rubbish that was.’

  ‘Ethel’s recommended it, so I’m sure it’ll be fine.’

  ‘What about Brittney and Doris?’ Asked Trevor

  ‘You know what prudes they are, they get upset if we even talk about the movies in front of them. Don’t know why, it’s only natural.’ She shook her head in bewilderment.

  ‘Pass the custard creams, Trevor.’

  Junior. ‘Trevor and Donna like to watch humans mating on film which is called pornography. We don’t know why they like to do this but our research shows that older people mate less and that Donna has experienced lots of headaches lately, so perhaps they’ve forgotten how to mate and are using these films as a reminder.’

  ‘The following day Jack and Jemima were not behaving well for their grandparents.’

  ‘It’s because they’re tired, Trevor. We shouldn’t have kept them up so late last night.’

  Trevor wasn’t too bothered. ‘Oh well, it’s done now. Phil and Caroline can put them up early tonight.’

  ‘I want to play on my bike. Dad always lets me play on my bike.’ They were meant to be going to the park but Jack had been whining for a good half hour and his grandparents didn’t want him to take his bike to the park, in case he went too fast and they lost him.

  Trevor had had enough. ‘OK, Jack. You go and play on your bike in the garden and we’ll get the picnic ready for the park. Take Elvis with you though. Jemima, do you want to help me and Nanny with the picnic?’

  ‘Yummy picnic, yes please.’ Jemima was delighted to bestow her charms on her grandparents. She believed that she should be the centre of attention whatever Jack was doing and whoever she was with, and it suited her that her brother was out of the picture for the time being.

  Donna was making tinned salmon and cucumber sandwiches and Jemima was putting sausage rolls into a plastic container for her grandfather when they heard a scream from the garden. Silence followed for a second, then Elvis ran into the kitchen skidding to a halt and barking wildly.

  The picnic preparations stopped and Donna and Trevor ran out to the garden, followed by Jemima.

  Jack was lying on his side against the wall with the bike on top of him. The back wheel of the bike was still revolving. Blood trickled down the side of Jack’s face.

  ‘Oh my God, oh my God.’ Donna’s hands went up to her face. Jemima started crying and Donna picked her up as Trevor ran over to his grandson.

  ‘Jack, Jack, wake up Jack.’

  No reaction and Trevor was worried. ‘Jack?’

  Jack opened his eyes. ‘Ow, my head hurts, granddad.’

  ‘There, there, Jack, you’re going to be OK. How’s your legs feel?’

  Donna rushed into the kitchen, still holding Jemima, and grabbed the phone. She made the call and went back out to the garden. ‘I’ve called an ambulance, they said not to move him just in case…’ She shuddered. ‘Trevor, come here a minute please.’

  ‘I’m just going to have a quick word with your Nanny, son, be right back.’

  ‘They said not to move him in case of back injury.’

  ‘But he’s only had a little fall off his bike. This sort of thing happens all the time.’

  They rushed back over to their grandson. ‘Jack, coz you’ve knocked yourself out, an ambulance is going to take you to hospital. Be a brave boy for me and your Nanny. OK?’

  ‘OK, granddad. I’m tired though.’

  ‘Try to stay awake, Jack, there’s a good boy.’

  Jemima had calmed down now that her brother had stopped crying and she thought he was OK. She held his hand while they waited for the ambulance to arrive.

  Donna accompanied Jack to the Queen Elizabeth Hospital in the ambulance and Trevor followed in the car with Jemima. Trevor had tried to contact Jean to ask her to look after Jemima but he hadn’t been able to reach her. In any event, Jemima insisted on going with her grandfather and Trevor didn’t have time for one of her tantrums. On arrival at the hospital he discovered that Jack was being seen in A&E and was told to wait outside. He sat down and reflected on the conversation with his son. Phil had asked how Trevor and Donna had managed to raise him and his brother during all those years, when they couldn’t even look after their grandchildren without drama for one solitary weekend. Trevor could understand his son being upset, but felt his comments were harsh. Phil and Caroline were already on their way home and would divert to the Queen Elizabeth. They would get there as soon as they could.

  Max radioed Geraldine and told her to get decent coverage as events unfolded. He was worried and hoped Jack was going to be OK. He shook himself preparing to do the voiceover while remembering to be professional at all times, no matter what happened. It wasn’t easy but he’d been warned before leaving Largo, not to become emotionally attached to any of the creatures on Earth. Easier said than done.

  Max. ‘You’ll remember that Caroline had her babies in the Queen Elizabeth hospital. Humans don’t have self healing bodies like Terries. When they’re injured or broken, they have to see a doctor who has trained for many years to learn how to fix them. Although humans assume they’re the supreme species on earth, animal doctors, known as vets, have to train longer to treat animals than those who qualify to treat humans.

  Back in the Queen Elizabeth hospital, Trevor was waiting for news about Jack.’

  Trevor looked around the waiting room. Besides for the children, it looked like the starring cast of a budget Soap Opera. One haggard-looking woman in a big flowing skirt was standing up and she looked very uncomfortable – there was obviously something under that big skirt. There were a few people who appeared to be passed out drunk and a woman of undetermined age who looked as if her face needed ironing. Trevor looked as the door opened and Caroline and Phil came rushing in. He didn’t see the silver spiders scuttling in behind them.

  ‘Where is he? Is he OK?’ Caroline was understandably upset.

  Another door opened and Donna walked out looking relaxed, accompanied by a doctor. The doctor introduced himself and addressed the adults.

  ‘He’s OK, mild concussion and a fractured arm. We’ll keep him in overnight for observation, but he’s going to be fine.’

  Caroline collapsed against Phil’s shoulder, crying tears of relief.

  The whole family were relieved except for Jemima who didn’t know what all the fuss was about, except that she wasn’t getting any attention. She put on her best princess voice.

  ‘Hello, mother. Hello, father.’

  Phil picked his daughter up and gave her a cuddle.

  ‘Hello, princess. Have you had a nice time with nanny and granddad?’

  Jemima smiled and all was well again with her world.

  ‘Nice cuppa tea, love?’ Donna asked Caroline.

  ‘Not now thanks, I want to see my son.’

  Donna knew Caroline was a bit different and sometimes liked a coffee instead of tea. ‘Coffee then?’

  ‘Donna. We can have a cuppa later. I need to see Jack.�
��

  The family started following the doctor towards the ward when Caroline heard a voice. ‘Hello, love, how are you, haven’t seen you for ages.’

  Caroline looked at the woman in the big flowing skirt and tried to place her. Adele reminded her. ‘Remember we met in the maternity waiting room just before I had my sixth? We stopped at six and Gav had the op, user friendly he is now.’ She snorted at her own joke then grimaced in some sort of pain.

  Caroline didn’t want to stop and chat but didn’t want to appear ignorant either.

  ‘Adele, how lovely to see you. I can’t stop, Jack our eldest has had an accident and I want to see him.’

  ‘Is he OK?’ Adele loved kids and seemed genuinely concerned.

  ‘He’s going to be fine thanks. Gotta rush.’

  ‘I’m not too good.’ She looked around then carried on in what she thought was a whisper. ‘Had an accident and got the vacuum hose stuck up my back entrance.’

  The doctor overheard Adele and commented. ‘There lies the problem, Mrs Jones, it’s actually an exit, not an entrance.’

  Silence in the waiting room as all eyes turned to Adele.

  ‘Bye, Adele, hope it’s not too err, painful. Take care.’ Caroline hurried after the doctor and her family.

  ‘Bye, love and good luck.’

  ‘I think it’s her that needs the good luck.’ Phil whispered to Caroline as he held the door open for her.

  Jack was lying in his bed, a nurse reading him a story. He sat up when he saw his parents and tears filled his eyes. ‘I fell off my bike and hurt my head and arm.’

  Caroline ran to the bed and hugged her son.

  ‘It’s all right Jack, look at the plaster on your arm. Aren’t you a brave boy. We’ll get lots of people to sign your plaster.’ The doctor explained that Jack had sustained a buckle fracture from falling onto his outstretched hand, and that there was no permanent damage.

  Jack was feeling fine and enjoying all the fuss. He also knew an opportunity when he saw one. ‘Can I have a chopper bike when I get better?’

  Phil didn’t think this was too much to ask after what his boy had been through. ‘That’s a good idea, son, you’re outgrowing your other bike anyway. But let’s concentrate on getting you better eh? Your mother’s going to stay here with you tonight and then we’ll all be back home together tomorrow. Be a good boy for the doctor and nurses.’