Sleep Peacefully

by NC Marshall

  “No. Jess filed for divorce a year after she returned back to England. She told me she had fallen in love with Matt. I signed the papers and sent them straight back to her when I received them. It was evident it was over between us, there was no point in making things any more complicated than they were already.”

  “Did you love her?” I ask.

  “Yes, more than anything. I still do.”

  “Is that why you looked for her, when you came to visit your sister last year?”

  Adam shuffles uncomfortably in his seat, just as I had moments ago. I find myself wondering if he feels as out of his comfort zone as I do mine.

  “Yeah, I didn’t know that she lived so close to Sarah, but once I was here I realised Jess’s mum’s house wasn’t far away at all. I remembered the address from when she used to send letters and postcards to your mum and dad.”

  “You know she married Matt, don’t you?”

  “Yeah,” he sounds quite bitter. “I had a feeling she would marry him. She told me when we met up again, but it didn’t exactly take a rocket scientist to figure out that would happen.”

  “So why did you still want to see her when you knew she was already happily married?”

  Adam smirks smugly. I feel like punching him in the face. Any softness I felt towards him in our initial meeting has gone.

  “Married, yes... not so sure about the happy part,” he says, matter of factly.

  Smug bastard. How dare he pass judgement on someone else’s marriage when he couldn’t even make his own work! It was true that Jess and Matt hadn’t been happy for a while, but I begrudge Adam saying anything about it. He has no right.

  Adam continues. “The only reason Jess even got with Matt is because of your dad. She wanted to honor his memory and didn’t want to disappoint him. She told me your father always hoped she and Matt would get together. The truth was she loved me she was in love with me. She couldn’t let the family down.”

  I’m shocked. I always thought Jess loved Matt with all her heart. Maybe I was wrong. It wasn’t the first time I’d learnt something new about sister. I’m not sure if anything would surprise me about her now.

  “So she didn’t tell anyone about you because she didn’t want to disappoint them?”

  “When we first got together she was just nervous about telling anyone, especially Matt. Then things just got out of hand, and too much time had passed to tell anyone.”

  “Then you got married?”

  “Yeah, we got married three days before she left to come back to the UK. She was going to tell you all, but then when your dad died, she couldn’t.”

  “So why didn’t she come back to you?”

  “I told you. Because she knew Matt was in love with her, and she wanted to do what your dad had wished. I tried to get her to come back. I tried for months, but she wouldn’t. Then she filed for divorce. She said she loved Matt, that she didn’t love me anymore, but I knew that was a load of bull. I knew the real reason she was with Matt.”

  “Then you didn’t see her again?”

  “Not for five years, until I came over to the UK to visit Sarah and Sam. They had just had their first baby. I came over to meet my niece.”

  I nod. “Were you there? The night she died?” I ask outright. I really don’t care if I hurt his feelings. “Did you argue? Are you the reason my sister killed herself?” I fire the questions at him one after one, they roll off my tongue so easily because these answers are the only ones I really want to know. I don’t care about their marriage. I don’t care about the time they spent together in Australia and how much they loved one another. All that is gone now, finished, in the past. I want to know what happened when he came here, and how the hell he persuaded my sister to move to the other side of the world with him.

  Adam looks startled, like a deer caught in headlights. “Whoa, whoa!” he stutters. He lowers his voice and holds his hands up in the air in protest. “Sarah said it was an accident, that... she fell.”

  “Nope,” I say. “I thought it was an accident too, but there was a witness who called it in to the police. They said they saw her not long before the police discovered her body. The witness said she looked upset—distraught, actually. The police say there’s a high chance that she could have jumped.” I recite what Ryan had said to me only a couple of months ago. The words still sting, like salt to an open wound. I'm ashamed that I’ve had to go against Ryan’s wishes and tell Adam.

  Adam gets to his feet. I can see that I’ve upset him, he looks shaken. But I continue, regardless. I want to question him more while he’s off guard. “What if she jumped, Adam? Tell me, is it a coincidence that the night before the day my sister was due to flee the country with you, she decided to kill herself?”

  “You knew about us going back to Australia together?” he asks, apparently shocked.

  “Yes,” I say, “I found booking confirmation for your flights in an e-mail. That’s how I knew your sister’s address.”

  Adam bows his head and speaks to the floor. It’s as if he finds it hard to look at me and I wonder if it’s because he sees Jess in front of him.

  “When Jess didn’t show up at the airport that day, I knew we were over. I’d given her an ultimatum. I knew that part of her still loved Matt, so I’d said if she loved me she would meet me at the airport and start afresh with our lives. I made her choose between me and her husband. I thought she would come. After all, when we booked the flights she was all for it. When she didn’t show, I assumed she’d made her choice, and she’d chosen Matt.”

  Adam walks over to a large arched stained glass window. He rubs his head as if trying to concentrate, piecing together the information I have given him as if it’s a puzzle. He is facing me. The bright street light outside shines through the stained glass, spreading green and red shards of light across the area. I can hear the church choir starting up. The beautiful voices of children singing Christmas carols begin to flow into the room.

  “We had seen each other a couple of times while I was in England. It wasn’t some seedy affair, and Jess was going to tell you and her family about it before she left. I know it was going to be last minute, but everything just happened so fast. As soon as we saw each other again, it was like all those feelings from the past just came flooding back. Only this time, they felt even stronger.” He bows his head, “For me they did, anyway. I cancelled my original flight home so I could spend a little longer here, with Jess. I couldn’t bear to leave her again. For that to be it. I just wanted to be with her.”

  “Even though you were splitting up a marriage?” I ask, raising my eyebrows.

  “The marriage was over, Nat, you know that as well as I do, Jess talked to you all the time. She and Matt had been arguing for months. In any case, he broke up my marriage, so let's just call it payback.”

  I laugh sarcastically “That’s completeley different, Adam.” I raise my voice over the loud sound of the choir so he can hear me more clearly. “Matt knew nothing about you, he didn’t even know you existed.”

  Adam looks at me with those piercing green eyes, which catch my attention and hold it.

  “I don’t know what he’s told you Nat, but I’m the reason Matt and Jess had argued the morning before she left for your mum’s place. They had decided to separate. Jess told him everything. He knew all about me, Australia, our relationship, our marriage, everything. So, if you're going to quiz anyone on the reason Jess died, I think you should start with her husband.”

  Chapter 28

  Jess

  It’s dark as I leave Mum’s. I’ve been to visit her and as always probably stayed longer than I should have. She seems to be doing better these days and is coping really well being on her own. It’s been five years since Dad died, but it still feels like only yesterday.

  Mum stands on the front porch waiting to wave me off as I walk towards the car. I tell her to get back inside, it’s freezing tonight. I’ll be glad when winter’s over.

  As I approach the car, I can
see that there’s a thick layer of ice on the windscreen, so I reach inside the car’s glove compartment to get the de-icer. There’s no way I’m going to chance driving all the way back home to the city with limited vision of the road.

  As I spray the solution onto the glass, I hear a sound behind me and spin around, preparing to tell Mum off for ignoring my order to go inside and stay warm. But it’s not Mum who stands on the grass in front of me, it’s Adam.

  “Hi, Jess,” he says. The moon ahead casts a glow over his body, as it bounces off the lake behind him. I stand still, unable to move as he walks towards me, I can’t help but want to run to him and hold him in my arms.

  “Adam... what you are doing here, how did you know Mum lived here?” My body is trembling from head to toe as I study him. He looks a little older, but then he would; it’s been five years since I last saw him. Other than that he’s hardly changed, he still looks incredible.

  “I'm over visiting Sarah, she and Sam moved here a while back. They don’t live that far from here actually, it’s the first chance I’ve had to come and visit them. I remembered your mum’s address from the postcards you used to send.”

  “Oh,” is all I can manage.

  “I had to come and see you Jess. How are you? You look well.”

  I look well! It sounds like something you would casually say to an old school friend that you haven’t seen in years, not your ex-wife.

  “You still look amazing,” he adds, quickly correcting his choice of words.

  I look down at my loose fitting jeans and battered old trainers, seriously doubting the sincerity in his observation.

  “Thanks,” I say abruptly. “So, have you been stalking me, following my every move? How did you know I’d even be here, Adam?” I glance behind him to Mum’s house. I imagine her opening the curtains and seeing me standing here, talking to a stranger, but the curtains remain closed. The side light from the kitchen is on. She’s probably going to make supper, thank God.

  “No, I haven’t been stalking you,” he says, shifting uncomfortably. “It’s purely coincidence. I came to your mum’s house to get your address. Then I saw a car and hung around a while in case it was you. Lucky for me, it was,” he says. I detect a slight sarcastic tone.

  What does he expect me to say? I’ve not seen him for years, and now here he is standing on my mother’s front lawn, telling me he needs to see me. “You were going to ask my mum where I lived? She doesn’t even know who you are, Adam.” I snarl at him, keeping my voice low in case she hears us. A sudden dislike of him hits me. I take a breath, trying to calm down.

  “Don’t worry, I wasn’t going to blow your little secret.” He sounds hurt, angered. “I was going to say I knew you from work and make up some excuse... I don’t know what the hell I was going to say Jess, I just... I needed to see you.”

  I bite my lower lip. Just seeing Adam brings back so many memories and stirs up my emotions. He hasn’t changed at all. I’m still so drawn to him, it’s like he holds some sort of an invisible leash that I’m tied to the end of.

  “Why did you come here, Adam?”

  “I’m over visiting Sarah and Sam, they’ve just had a baby. A little girl, they’ve named her Molly.”

  I smile, as a slight stab of envy hits me unexpectedly. “I’m pleased for them,” I whisper.

  “I wanted to see you, to talk,” Adam continues.

  “I have to go, Adam,” I reply, taking a quick look at my watch, “My husband will be wondering where I am.”

  Adam doesn't look surprised. “So you married him, then? Matt?”

  “How do you know it’s Matt I’m married to?”

  “Let’s just call it a lucky guess.”

  I bow my head to the ground, then pull my eyes back up to meet Adam’s. “Look, we can’t stand here all night. Why don’t we meet up tomorrow? It’s getting late, I have to get home.” My words sound harsh, but they're true. Matt worries when I’m driving on icy roads. I look up the avenue where I can see a parked rental car. I figure it is Adam’s.

  “Okay,” he says, ‘I’m not here to cause you any trouble, Jess, I just want to talk. You owe me that, at least.”

  I nod. He’s right. After what I did to him it really is the least I can do.

  *

  The following evening, I stand outside the restaurant where Adam and I have arranged to meet. I smooth my hair over my shoulders, then fidget with my coat. I’m so nervous that I could vomit. I just want to get this over with. I feel that the more time I spend with Adam the more memories will come back, allowing me to start reminiscing about the good times we shared together, and I can’t let that happen, not now.

  I see Adam’s head over the top of a crowd of young guys; it’s eight o’clock and the city centre is already getting busy. It’s Saturday night, and luckily Matt had already made plans to go out with Ryan tonight. They don’t go out, just the two of them at the weekend that often, so I know they will take full advantage and won't be home till late tonight. Matt thinks I’m staying in with a pizza and a chick-flick. I feel ashamed of myself for lying to him, again.

  Adam emerges from the crowd in front of me. He’s dressed in denim jeans and a smart jacket. Under the jacket he wears a pale blue shirt, unbuttoned at the collar. He kisses me awkwardly on the cheek before we head to the restaurant. Inside, a waiter seats us. I sit opposite Adam, neither of us have spoken yet. I hope that the remainder of the evening isn’t going to be quite as difficult. The waiter returns to take our drink orders. Adam picks up the wine list to inspect it.

  “You still drink white?” he asks rather brusquely, raising his eyebrows over the top of the menu.

  I smile at him politely and nod, trying to lighten the mood. “I do,” I answer quietly, as I pick up the food menu and scan it quickly. I’m not feeling hungry in the slightest.

  Adam closes the wine list and promptly orders us a bottle of Semillon Sauvignon Blanc, produced at a vineyard we had visited whilst in Margaret River. I shake my head, implying that I’m not impressed by the subtle hint in the direction of our past. Inside I’m dying.

  As the night goes on, I start to relax a little. I can see that Adam has, too. We have eaten our food and are now onto our second bottle of wine. Up to now, neither of us has mentioned anything about our past together. Instead, we’re carefully choosing what we say to one another to keep the conversation casual and light, although it’s transparently obvious that Adam doesn’t want it kept this way.

  I’d never really given him an honest reason why I’d not gone back to Australia, or why I’d divorced him and then gone on to marry Matt. I owe him an explanation. I need to tell him face to face how sorry I am. So tell him. I tell him how I felt and how I still feel about Matt, how much my father had loved him and how he had always wanted us to be together. I tell him how guilty I’d felt over keeping secrets from my family, in particular my dad, and not being there when he died. When I finish, I can feel tears pooling in my eyes.

  Adam remains silent. Instead of saying anything to try to comfort me, he rises from his seat and reaches over to my face. He brushes my cheek softly. I turn my face towards his touch, the touch I know so well. He bends over the small table between us and kisses me lightly on the lips. I close my eyes as he moves away, trying to savour the moment.

  When I open my eyes again, I hear a voice I recognise and look up to see Nat’s old boss Steph approaching our table.

  Chapter 29

  It was a year ago today. A full year has passed since Jess died. I lie on a bed while the hospital sonographer rubs cold gel onto my stomach. I can feel the pressing of the transducer move up and down as the image of our baby emerges on the screen near me. I look at Dan, standing beside me. His face displays a mixture of concern and elation. I can’t make out which emotion is showing more. It doesn’t take long until I hear the fast-paced tapping of a little heartbeat.

  “There we go!” she says, as she moves the machine slowly over my swollen stomach “Strong little ticker on thi
s one, all looks great.”

  I let out a breath that I hadn’t even noticed I had been holding as Dan grabs me by the hand. He’s smiling; the concerned look has now vanished from his face and I can see the relief in his eyes. I’m relieved, myself. The baby is completely healthy and now that I've had the twelve-week scan, I can finally start telling people that I’m pregnant.

  Kate was the only one who knew, but now we’ve told Josh, just last night. I wasn’t quite sure what his reaction would be. He’s only five, and has been the centre of our world for all of these years. I was pleased when he said that he was fine to have a little brother or sister, just so long as it didn’t touch any of his toys. I take that as a sign of his acceptance.

  I stand, pulling my trousers back up and rolling down my jumper. The sonographer takes some details and we have a chat before saying goodbye.

  Dan and I head towards the exit of the hospital. I’m glad everything’s okay,” says Dan. He’s walking beside me, matching my quick paced stride along the hospital corridor.

  “What made you think it wouldn’t be?” I ask, curious at his apparent concern.

  “You just seem to have been stressed out lately. I was worried that all this is a bit too much for you, but seeing your face when you saw the baby scan, I can see you are happy.”

  I smile up at my husband, taking his hand in mine and squeezing it tightly. I didn’t know that my stressed state had been so visible.

  I’ve had Adam on my mind and really want to speak to Lola too, but haven’t had the chance. It’s been busy at Wallis and Spoors, which has resulted in me working extra hours the past couple of weeks. I intend to tell Richard about my pregnancy soon. My contract ends in five months time, but I’ve every intention of working right up until the end before I leave to have the baby. It’s just a shame there is now no chance I can be kept on permanently for the company. Hopefully, Richard will bear me in mind for the future.