Sleep Peacefully

by NC Marshall

  I’m going to Mum’s straight from the hospital, then we’re going to visit Jess’s grave together. I have to leave Dan at the hospital; we had met here to go to the scan together, but now he has to go back to work. I’ve told him that I want him to put some holidays in soon, I’m getting fed up with never seeing him. I kiss him goodbye at the hospital exit and tell him I’ll see him later, before I jump in the car and head towards the lake house.

  *

  Almost an hour later, I arrive at Mum’s. I knock on the front door and Ryan answers it. Mum is standing in the hallway, holding an enormous bouquet of flowers. I kiss her lightly on the cheek. Her eyes are a little red and puffy, showing me that she’s been crying.

  “How are you doing, Mum?” I ask, taking the heavy, colourful bouquet from her arms and holding them in my own.

  “I’m okay, love, you?”

  I nod at her and force a smile. The lump in my throat forbids me to reply.

  “Are we ready to go?” asks Ryan quietly, as he holds the front door for us, then locks it once we are outside. We walk away from the lake house and head towards the church. It’s a mild day considering the time of year. I can’t help but compare it to this time last year. It had been so cold that day that it froze you to the bone the moment you stepped outside. Today there is a fresh breeze, but other than that the sun is shining bright in a cloudless sky.

  When we arrive, we can see that there have already been some flowers laid on Jess’s grave. There is a small bunch of multi-coloured carnations, which have a card attached—they’re from Father Dempsey. He’s such a kind, thoughtful man. I knew he would never forget the anniversary of Jess’s death. The other flowers lay in a gorgeous arrangement. They look tropical, bright and exotic, very unusual looking; Jess would have loved them. I know instantly who they are from. Mum bends down to have a close look, turning back the cellophane covering them to see if there is a card attached. But we all know before reading it that there is only one person who knew Jess’s taste well enough to choose such an arrangement. They’re from Matt. I take the card from Mum’s hand and read the message written in Matt’s neat handwriting:

  Rest in peace Kiddo xxx.

  The message confuses me. The term of endearment isn’t the sort of thing I would imagine a husband writing to his dead wife, maybe more what a best friend would write. But then, I suppose Matt and Jess had been both.

  If what Adam had told me on Christmas Day was true, then Matt knew Jess had been in love with another man; a man she had been married to. So why would he even want to leave flowers for her? Why doesn’t he hate her? Or is it his guilty conscience? I’m quite glad that we haven’t bumped into Matt here. I need to speak to him again, but now isn’t the time nor the place.

  Mum bends down once more and places the flowers from us down with the others. They all look beautiful mixed together, their colours and shapes blurring into one. It’s a shame that they won’t last very long out here in the cold.

  “Rest in peace, my darling,” she says. Then she turns and walks away. As she passes Dad’s headstone she kisses her hand and places it on the top. She lets it linger there a few moments before she continues forward. Ryan and I look at each other silently, and turn to follow her.

  *

  It’s now late afternoon and the three of us relax in the local village pub. It seems a little inappropriate given the circumstances of today, but if Jess had been here this is exactly where she would want us to be.

  Mum sits with a glass of red wine in her hand, twirling the stem of it between her thumb and forefinger, smiling. Ryan has already thrown back a pint of beer, and is now on to his second; he’s staying with Mum tonight so doesn’t have to worry about driving back to the city. I’m not going to tell Mum and Ryan about the baby yet. Today is for Jess, and I don’t want to take anything away from that.

  We’ve been sharing stories about Jess, Ryan and me as kids since we left the cemetery, and have been laughing since we got to the pub. It’s a pleasant feeling, Jess would hate us all moping around being upset, so we won’t.

  “Nat, do you remember the time you and Jess decided to form that band?” Ryan asks, raising his pint glass to his lips.

  Mum swallows another sip of wine and bursts out laughing. “You were thirteen and Jess was eight,” Mum adds. “What did you call yourselves again?” She looks into the distance, twisting her face trying to think of the name. Ryan says a few, but they’re all wrong.

  “The Glitter Girls,” I say loudly, saving them the bother of trying to remember.

  Ryan laughs. “Yeah, that’s right, the Glitter Girls! You were the lead singer and Jess was backing vocals. You even talked Matt into playing the guitar for you.”

  I smile, seeing the three of us as clear as day in my mind; all of us dressed in stonewashed denim jeans with ripped holes in the knees. I wore a red glittered headband and a matching glove on one hand. I think I must have fancied myself as a bit of a rock star back then. Poor Matt hadn’t even had a say in the matter.

  “You used to put on shows using the tree house in the garden as a stage,” says Mum. “You and Jess were bloody terrible, Matt was the only half decent one amongst you.” She bursts into fits of laughter as Ryan starts to sing one of the songs that we used to perform, and then gets out of his seat and stands to add the accompanying dance moves. Once he finishes, he gets a cheer from the few men standing at the bar; luckily the place is relatively quiet today.

  I don’t even know how he remembers that song, he was so young back then, but I can’t help but laugh myself. It’s the perfect end to a pretty horrible afternoon.

  *

  Later, I drop Ryan and Mum off at the lake house, and head home. I have a strange feeling. but I can’t put my finger on what it is nor can I shake it. I try everything. I call Dan, who is now at home, and have a chat with him. Then I call Kate to tell her how the scan went. I try putting on various radio stations, but nothing can eliminate the feeling I have in the pit of my stomach.

  Before I even know what I’m doing, I spin the car around and head towards the coast. It will take me a little while to get there. It’s as if the place is calling out to me and some sort of invisible pull is willing me to go. It’s been a while since I’ve been, but I can remember how to get there. I can't explain why, but I need to go to the last place my sister ever was. I need to go to Milton Point.

  Chapter 30

  Jess

  I lie stretched out on the sofa in our apartment living room and watch Matt, who is almost half way through marking a huge pile of school workbooks. They sit stacked in tall, neat piles on the table in front of him. He has a look of immense concentration on his face, which disappears as he stops to laugh at one of the pages he is working on. He’s clearly amused by something that one of his pupils has written on it.

  He takes off his glasses and rubs at the top of his nose in the place where they have been resting. His hair flops over his left eye. He runs his hand through it before replacing his glasses and returning to the last book in the pile. He’s wearing a university sweatshirt and jogging pants, which he has paired with my bright pink, fluffy slipper boots.

  How could I have ever thought I wasn’t in love with this man—was I insane? Right now at this moment, I couldn’t imagine my life without him, and can't even conceive of living a life that doesn’t involve my husband. My best friend. My Matt.

  The truth is, I've done a lot of thinking these past couple of weeks, trying to make sense of the whole Adam situation. I remember back to the night he kissed me in the restaurant. That was a couple of weeks ago. The following day, I had hastily booked two tickets online to travel back to Australia. I was once again taken in by him, captured by the spell that he has always had the ability to cast over me.

  However, since then, I have spent all of my time regretting it. I did owe Adam an explanation and an apology. I’m glad I had the chance to do that. He has always been a decent man and deserved it. Yes, Adam still sends my pulse racing. I’m sti
ll attracted to him and do love him in some sense. But when it comes down to real love, the truth is there is only one man I will ever truly love with all my heart, and if I’m honest with myself, there has only ever been one. I just didn’t know it until now.

  I haven’t seen Adam since then. He called me yesterday to give me an ultimatum; to choose between him and Matt. I instantly knew what my decision was, but I couldn’t give him my answer right then, not over the phone. That is just a coward’s way out. He deserves better.

  Matt and I have been getting on great these past couple of months, and even the arguments that had become a regular occurrence have come to a halt. If only it could stay this way, but I know it can’t. Life is never that easy.

  I chuckle at Matt, who raises his eyes from straightening his book towers as he hears me speak. “Nice look you have going on there,” I say, as he closes the last of the workbooks and puts his tastefully dressed feet onto the coffee table. He crosses his legs in the small space that remains on the table, looking down and nodding at the pink booties in admiration, straight-faced.

  “Yeah, I think they suit me. I think I’ll ask for the red ones for my birthday,” he answers, in an overly camp sounding voice.

  “As long as you don’t start raiding my wardrobe and make any attempt to squeeze those size nines into my Christian Louboutin’s, I think we’re safe,” I reply, as I pick up a cushion from behind me on the sofa and hurl it playfully at his head.

  He dodges the cushion with one swift movement and proceeds to run over to me. He grabs my feet, easily pulling me off the sofa and onto the floor, and starts to tickle me.

  I yelp hysterically and giggle like a child as I try to escape from the firm clutch of his arms. Eventually, I admit defeat. He plants a kiss tenderly on my lips and everything that I had been thinking about only a few seconds ago leaves my head. His kisses grow more intense and I angle my body to get closer to him, feeling a longing that I haven’t felt in a long time. I don’t want to think about anything else apart from right here and right now. I know that these feelings are going to be short-lived because tomorrow, everything is going to change.

  Adam coming to England has made me arrive at the conclusion that maybe I was never really in love with him. Lust, yes, most definitely, but I think I was in love with the idea of living in Australia more than with Adam himself. I was young and got myself caught up in a romance filled whirlwind. He is a truly amazing guy, and one day I have no doubt that he will make someone a fantastic husband, just not me. I know that if he is honest and admits it to himself, he would agree that the past is best left where it is. We had a fabulous year together, but that this is where it ends.

  Now, none of that matters anymore. I have made Matt’s life hell these past years, all because of the guilt that I’ve been carrying due to not telling him about Adam. But soon, all of that is going to change. I’m going to tell Matt everything and tell Adam that I’m not going back to Australia. I think he has his suspicions that I'm not going, although I’m sure he is remaining hopeful.

  It’s a given that both of them are going to hate me and each other. Neither of these men are going to take what I have to tell them lightly, but it needs to be done. I suppose the only question now is, which one will take it worst?

  Chapter 31

  The wind is picking up in strength as I reach the top of Milton Point. The only way to reach this part of the cliffs is via a narrow footpath, which twists its way through the long overgrown grass until it meets the level ground of the lookout point at the top. I’m out of breath, and my calves are burning from the steep climb by the time I reach its summit.

  The sun is still shining brightly although it’s now lost the little strength that it had earlier today. I take a deep breath, smelling the salt in the air from the icy sea below. There’s no one up here this afternoon and only a few people down on the beach.

  I pull my coat around me and adjust my scarf that has come loose with the breeze. I haven’t been up here for a long time and until this moment I have had no desire to. But today was different, I had needed to get here and now here I am. I feel an incredible sense of stillness and peace move through me. I sit down on a wooden bench underneath a large tree. Its branches are bare and empty. Even though I haven’t been up here for years, it feels so familiar and looks just as it does in the dreams. It’s probably exquisite up here during the summer months. I can understand Jess’s pull towards the place.

  This is where she was. The last view she ever saw. I rise from the seat and move towards the cliff edge, I look down at the rocks below and fight hard against images in my mind of her body lying there, sprawled lifelessly across the rocks. I shudder as I walk back to the seat, and stand hovering next to it. But then something happens. My body jolts forward and my eyes close unexpectedly. I feel the coldness of the seat beneath my legs as I am pushed downwards, by an invisible force.

  When my eyes open, it’s dark, and the temperature has plummeted. There is a thin layer of frost covering the grass, illuminated by the almost full moon above. I know straight away that I’m back in my dream, only this time I’m wide awake. I close my eyes tightly shut, holding them closed a few seconds before opening them, hoping to be back to the reality that I have just left, but nothing’s changed.

  I look down at my legs, expecting to see Jess’s knees covered by the long black fabric of her skirt, as I normally do. But instead I see my own legs, covered by the black trousers that I’m wearing. I glance at my watch; it’s just gone ten o’clock. I don’t think it will be long until the part in my dream where Matt shows up, approaching from behind me.

  I wait a few minutes and then, as anticipated, I hear the cracking sound of frost under his feet. I stand up and slowly start to turn around. This is the furthest I’ve been. This is the point during my newest dream when I generally wake up. But this time I don’t. I continue to turn and can clearly see there is a figure standing behind me. I can’t yet make out his face, the dark shadows still cover it. The figure slowly moves closer.

  “Matt!” I shout. My voice sounds so quiet against the loud sound of the crashing waves below, mixed with the howling noise of the wind as it picks up speed. I take a step forward and the figure comes closer, gradually moving into the light.

  Suddenly I hear a phone ringing in the distance, a familiar tune that brings me back to my senses. It snaps me away from the vision and back to reality. I glance around. There’s still no one else up here, but it’s now dark. I wonder how long I’ve actually been sitting here. I look at the phone’s screen, not recognising the number showing, but feeling annoyed that the call has cut me off at such a crucial part of the vision. Once again, I am no further forward, and more confused than ever.

  “Hi, this is Nat,” I say, clear annoyance in my voice.

  “Nat, it’s Adam. I think there’s something you need to know.”

  Chapter 32

  Jess

  “So, are you’re telling me you’re in love with this guy?” asks Matt. His voice is full of anger, full of hurt, but at the same time his tone is lowered. He remains surprisingly composed.

  I stay silent. He wouldn’t believe me if I told him the truth. Tears are streaming in slow, repetitive lines down my burning cheeks. I have a lump in my throat that is so big it feels as though it’s going to choke me. I lower my head, allowing a tear to slip off my nose, which falls to the floor. I study it as it seeps into a small crack in the wooden floorboards near where my packed rucksack sits.

  I’ve told Matt all about Adam this morning. I haven’t slept a wink all night. I’ve been going over and over in my head how I will word it, but in all honesty, no matter how it was phrased, the content was always going to be the same. The outcome was never going to be pretty.

  I’ve told him everything from the start. From the day Adam and I first met at Circular Quay, through to my last day in Australia when Nat had called me to tell me about Dad. I’ve told him about us once being married, the divorce and the fact that Adam
has been in England visiting.

  For the last ten minutes, Matt has said nothing, he’s sat in complete silence. I’m waiting, petrified of what his response will be. I can see that I’m not going to get much out of him, not today. He stands and walks across the room, looking out of the window of our apartment, his hands on his hips. He’s wearing nothing but a pair of novelty boxers which I had bought him for Christmas. It’s just gone eight in the morning. The lights of the city in the distance are already starting to come alive as dawn breaks.

  I can’t expect Matt to understand how much I love him, not at the moment. I have hurt him so much and in his mind now, all he sees is years of lies and deceit.

  “So is he still here, in England?” asks Matt. He’s finally turned around from the window and is looking at me, then his gaze travels down to my packed rucksack on the floor.

  “No. He went back to Australia a couple of days ago,” I don’t want to lie anymore but this will be the last one I will tell, and this one is for Matt’s sake. I know full well that if I tell him Adam is still in the country, he will want to track him down to have it out with him. Both he and Adam are headstrong, and I know things would end badly—possibly even resulting in an animal-like brawl. Although Matt can stand up for himself, he would be the one to come off worse if that happened. I’m supposed to be going back to Australia with Adam tomorrow to start a new life, the life that I thought I was meant to have. I haven’t told Adam yet that it is never going to happen, but I intend to.

  “So no one knew about him. You didn’t even tell Nat?”

  “No.”

  “Well, I find that hard to believe, you tell her everything.”