There was a knock at the door. She turned to look to see who was there. It was one of her smiling employees.
“Hi, I only wanted to ask if I could get you two anything. Coffee maybe?”
“Would you like anything, Gideon?” Jessie looked back at me.
“A cup of coffee would be nice.”
“Could you bring my husband a cup of black coffee with a shot of whole milk in it and a cup of tea for me?”
The woman's eyes widened before she took off, closing the door again.
Jessie hadn't told anyone that she was married. She was kind of wincing now. She shook her head slightly and looked back at me, her husband.
Jessie hadn't wanted to marry me anyway.
Looking back what I did was simply stupid. A woman's wedding should be a special event and give her a nice memory. Jessie probably winced when she thought about that too.
It had started out so nice. My hand moved to cover up my watch. Three thousand dollars for saving her life, and I had wanted more, so much more. I had gone to a jeweler’s to have it appraised. I wanted to know what she had given me. The word vintage had been bouncing around in my head since she said it. If I had known, I wouldn’t have worn it, but Jessie had wanted it to be worn.
I was staring in her eyes. I loved her so much that my heart was aching to hold her close.
“You said you would sign the papers?”
“Of course. If that’s what you really want?” Please say that you still want me, I willed her to say.
“Yes, it is.” Of course she didn't want me when she could have all of this.
“I have the papers with me. They are at my hotel.”
“You’re staying overnight? Who is taking care of our animals?” Our animals, she had said. She was worried about our home. Did she really want a divorce?
“Angela's father said he would keep things running for us. I was thinking that I would give you the papers this evening over a nice supper.” I was trying to charm her, and she was trying not to fall for it.
The door opened, and the woman backed in with a tray in her hands. We both quietly watched her set up for us. “Coffee for you, sir. And tea for you, Jessica. Is there anything else I could do for you two?”
“No, but thank you very much,” Jessie told her. The woman beamed at us and then she left.
“I don't think that it would be a good idea to see each other again, and you don't have to give me the papers. They go to the lawyer – and then everything is over with. There aren't any hassles that way.” She was very nervous, and her hand shook as she lifted the cup to her lips. I was kind of impressed that she managed to take a sip without spilling anything. She set the cup back on the saucer clattering them against each other.
“I just wanted to part on good terms with you. I would really like to have a good last memory of you. Please. I promise that I won't try to kidnap you or anything like that. I'll sign the papers with you watching and then bring them over to your lawyer's office tomorrow morning before I leave the city. You don't ever have to see me again after that, but that is the condition to me signing. I need to see for myself that you’re doing well before I can walk away from you.” This was my wife, the woman that I was completely honest with. Giving that up was a lot to ask of anybody.
“You promise that this isn't some sort of trap?” She looked scared now. I had already seen that she was doing well. I could leave, but I was too selfish for that.
“I promise, baby. I need a bit of closure,” I said gently.
“Don't call me baby,” she snapped. Her whole face twisted up in pain.
Maybe she wasn't okay? The word alone had set her off.
“Fine, of course I’ll join you for supper at your hotel.” Jessie said that to cover up what she had said before. She wanted me to go. She was prepared to do whatever she had to so I would leave.
“Fine, I’ll pick you up at six.” I stood and finished my coffee, burning my mouth, before she could change her mind.
“I won't be home by six. How about seven thirty?”
“You work that late?”
“No, but I have to shower and change into something nice beforehand.”
“That's right, honey. We are going to have a nice evening. I'll wear my Sunday suit and you a pretty dress. I would like that. I'll see you then.” I left then.
A person had to know to quit when they were ahead.
Chapter 15 - A Farewell Dinner
Jessie
I looked at myself in the mirror. I had left work early, wanting to look good for my date.
Would he honestly show up at my door and pick me up – and bring me back home afterwards?
What would I do if he barged in and started demanding that I pack and go home with him?
What should I do?
I was chickening out. I could pretend that I wasn't home, but he would probably camp out in front of my door. Maybe I should hire a bodyguard. Someone who would make sure that I slept in my own bed tonight. That was actually my husband's job, but things hadn't worked out with us. He had hurt me time and time again.
I looked at myself in the mirror. The lines around my eyes weren't laugh lines. I looked so sad and alone. I needed someone who would be good to me. I didn't want to be alone.
Gideon had been good to me after Aaron passed away.
No, I had needed to move out. This was something that I was doing for myself that would leave me stronger.
Still, I was lonely. There was a hole there that not even Pumpkin could fill.
Maybe I could find someone else and settle down. Perhaps I could have a family and not lose the baby this time. I could feel happy and safe.
There was a knock at the door. I looked at myself in the mirror again. My eyes looked like they had back then, dead. I turned away from my mirror image and went to the door.
I felt like I did when I knew he was going to punish me. His presence was punishing me now. I felt very sad.
I opened the door. Gideon was standing there with a bunch of roses. He was grinning from ear to ear. “These are for you.” He held the flowers out to me.
He brought me flowers when I was sick in bed, and even afterwards.
“Thank you.” I took them and smelt them. They smelt good, like the ones that grew in my garden back home.
But it hadn't been my home. It had been where he had held me captive. He was a sick man who had been brainwashed into thinking that a wife wasn't a real person who had a free will.
Inside, I nodded at myself and patted myself on the back. That was exactly the kind of pep talk I needed.
“I'll just put them in some water.”
“Hey. Are you all right, honey?” He reached out and moved my hair behind my shoulder. It was a moment that was so familiar that it hurt. We could have made a great pair if circumstances had been different.
“I'm fine. Don't worry about me.” I stepped away from him.
“It's still my job to worry until tomorrow morning.” He looked disappointed, but he was trying to make light of it. He liked to worry about me.
I went to my kitchen and got out a vase. He had followed me in. He was standing in the living room looking around. What did he think? Was it too much? What did he think about me?
“You look especially lovely. That's a nice dress.”
I placed the flowers in the center of the table and looked down at my dress. It was summer and hot, even in the evening. My dress was a simple pale blue one with tiny shoulder straps. It looked sweet and innocent, but the skirt fell above my knees. He would have sorted it out given half the chance.
My hands glided down the dress smoothing it out in an attempt to make it a bit longer. “Thank you. You look very nice, too.”
“Go grab a sweater and then we are off.” He sounded so peppy.
I picked up my purse and the sweater I had waiting. I knew that he would insist on one. That was simply how he was. He liked to worry about me.
He held out his elbow to me and off we went.
“Do you want a dessert, sweetheart?” he asked me. He had been perfectly pleasant the entire evening. He called for and paid for the cab.
Gideon had escorted me into the restaurant and introduced us as Mr. and Mrs. Thompson. He had pulled out my chair and lovingly pushed it back in for me. I felt like every eye in the room was on us, especially all the female ones.
I thought back to when we had first met. I had been in awe with his looks too. I couldn't believe that he wanted to be with me, but things had changed so suddenly. It had quickly become too much. He had truthfully wanted me, but he wanted to hold me down tightly, and I hadn't been able to breathe.
“I always wanted to know what Panna Cotta is. I'll order that.” He closed his menu and laid it to the side still smiling.
“It's cooked cream. You'll like it. I'll have the same.” I was being too quiet. I tried to sound cheerier, but I missed him a little too. I hadn't wanted to get married, and now I didn't want to be a divorcee. “I wish that things had gone differently. We might have had a chance that way.”
“Jessie, I already signed the papers, but if you have changed your mind, I'll be glad to rip them up. We don't have to be over. I can change and things could be different.”
“You couldn't change, and I wouldn't ask you to. I was just reminiscing a little. My place is here. You saw. I'm responsible for all of those people.”
“You do things very well there, and it means a lot to you, but if you ever want to come home, you can. The door will always be open for you. Do you understand that?” He sounded so strict again.
All the muscles in my body tightened up as I thought about what that tone usually meant. 'Jessie bring me the belt' he would say, and I had to do it. “I understand. That's really kind of you, but if you were to meet someone new, I would understand that as well.”
“That isn't going to happen. You know I don't believe in divorce. In my heart I will remain married to you, and I will be faithful to you. You don't have to worry about that.”
That didn't make sense. “Why did you sign the papers then?” I asked him.
“I want what is best for you. Since the baby died, you haven't been okay. I see that you are here. I want that for you. Only the very best is good enough for you.” He said that like he meant it.
I knew he loved me, but I couldn't return to that house. The house that had offered me shelter when I would have died and the house that had held me prisoner for long and witnessed Aaron's death. The stairs had even caused it. I didn't want to go back I wasn't safe there, not from Gideon and not from others. A chill went down my spine.
“It's getting a little cool. Put on your sweater, honey.” He reached over, patted my hand and then he withdrew his hand to show me that he wanted me to move now. He honestly did care, but I couldn't tolerate his kind of care.
Gideon was charming the rest of the evening. After the meal, he insisted on bringing me home. He lingered at my door after I had it open. “Do you,” he turned beet red. “I mean one last time?”
I understood him and smiled. I hadn't pegged him as that kind of man. I could feel myself grinning. “No, if we did then, I would have to insist that you marry me. I'm not that kind of girl. I'd trap you,” I joked.
“Shame, I'd liked to be trapped.” He was still grinning.
I reached out my hand very formally. He shook it back, but he didn't let go. My heart was racing, and all sorts of thoughts went through my head.
“I want you to take care of yourself. I think you are someone very important.” He had tears in his eyes. “I’m so sorry about what happened. If I could go back and do things differently, I would. I would do things better, and we would still be together, and maybe the baby would be alive. I should have brought you to bed. I'll regret that for the rest of my life.” He let go of my hand and took off. He went down the stairs, and I heard the door to my building close.
Gideon was gone, out of my life for good.
Why didn't I feel relieved?
A week later I had a letter in my mailbox saying that Gideon had signed the papers and that I was soon to be divorced.
I went through the motions of my life, but it was hard to do. Work by day and some sort of class by night. On Saturday and Sunday nights I watched TV with Pumpkin.
I thought about writing Gideon a letter, thinking we could be like old-fashioned pen pals.
But what would I say?
I didn't do anything interesting that he would like to hear about.
Chapter 16 - I Need You
Jessie
I sat in the waiting room, waiting for my yearly physical. I was trying to be a good role model for my employees, and I had been having a lot of headaches lately.
I had been divorced for over a year now. I had no idea what my husband was doing. For all I knew, he could have sold the farm, moved to Las Vegas and be giving shows there.
I had to smile to myself. He wouldn't do that. He was at home milking the cows at least three times a day and doing millions of other chores.
My mind often drifted to thoughts of him when I had a minute to myself. I hadn't dated anyone yet. I was planning on it, but I felt that had time yet. Getting over the shock of daily married life hadn't worn off yet. It was so much more than cooking, cleaning and sneaking off to make love. It had a lot to do with responsibility, pain and loss.
The doctor called me into his office. I listed my little complaints and answered his questions.
He wanted me to see an eye doctor and then come back and see him with the results.
That meant another day of sitting around here doing nothing. They were taking the headaches very seriously.
“We were able to find a tumor in your brain. That’s what has been causing the problems. What you now consider to be little annoyances will progress and hinder you with your work. Most insurances have a clause where you can have a certain sum of money and really enjoy your last days.”
“My last days?” What was the doctor trying to tell me?
“I'm afraid that your kind of tumor is the kind that we can't operate on.”
“How long do I have?” Was that me talking? How could I be taking this so well? The doctor had just told me that I was going to die. Shouldn't I at least cry?
“I want to monitor you, but I'm guessing months, maybe even a year or two. It all depends on how fast the tumor grows.”
I thought back to that conversation again and again. It had changed my life, less the conversation than the feeling of needing Gideon to hold my hand. I had wanted him like a baby wants its mother: desperately.
I was on my way to his house now, almost a year after the divorce. I had sold my company to one of my employees, who I felt would continue it on as I had started it. I also sold most everything that I owed, and here I was, heading to Canada with my Pumpkin once again. The only difference was that I had a U-Haul hooked up to the back of my rental.
I was nervous. Gideon could have changed his mind about me, which was likely. Or he could have moved somewhere else. He might even be a father in the meantime. It was so easy to picture him with a baby in his arms.
He had held our baby for a long time. He had been good to our little boy. I had seen him even though I had been so drugged up with whatever they had given me, so I could make it through that terrible day without going insane.
I wiped my eyes and drove on. I wanted to get there today yet. I only took a break when Pumpkin needed one, urging him to hurry.
I didn't want to arrive in the middle of the night and wake up Gideon. I wanted daylight. I needed to see if it was okay that I was there.
The thing was I had believed him when he said that he would wait for me and remain married to me in his heart. This would be good for him too. If Gideon honestly was waiting, then I could make him happy.
I was all set to do exactly that. I now knew how to cook and iron and do all the things women used to be taught to do by their mothers. I had appliances along that would make my life easier. I was hoping he w
ould say yes to those. Things were going to get very difficult for me soon. I could use all the help I could get to pretend that nothing was wrong with me.
The roads were clear, and the weather was great. It was a Tuesday and a school day. Everyone else had someplace that they had to be, just not me. I had the roads to myself.
Yesterday had been nice. The girls at the office had thrown a going away party for me. Only Mandy knew the truth. Everyone else was told that I was going off to that sexy husband of mine.
No one could understand why I had wanted the divorce. I hadn't told anyone about my time with him except Mandy, and I had left out a lot.
I was almost there. I getting so close.
Tears filled my eyes. I was almost home.
I wiped my eyes and smiled to myself. I was such a typical female. When I got scared, I needed to press my face in a man's strong chest and hide away from the world with his arms wrapped around me.
I was basically driving all of this way for a hug.
I could see our barn coming up on the right side of the road. I pulled into our long driveway, feeling very scared.
Would this go the way I had hoped it would?
My heart skipped a beat. I could see Gideon on a ladder. He was picking apples in our orchard. He was stepping down to see who had arrived.
I quickly parked and got out of the car. I still had the door open in case he didn't want me here. I would leave as quickly as I came if that were the case.
Pumpkin jumped out and ran around the yard like he was on some sort of drug. He would run to Gideon and then back to me and then in odd circles around the yard.
I dared to look at Gideon's face. He was surprised. I couldn't quite place if he was happy or sad.
The door to the house opened, and Angela came out wiping her hands on a kitchen towel.
I could see that I wasn't welcome here. I shouldn't have assumed that I was.
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