I felt like such a fool.
Gideon had walked over to my car in the meantime.
“I'm sorry for coming. I should have written. I'll leave immediately. Congratulations on your marriage. She suits you better anyway.”
Another woman came out of the house and stood next to Angela. She looked at Angela and then at Gideon and back to me. I sat back down in my car. I wanted to close the door, but Gideon was holding onto it.
“Honey, you haven't met my sister yet. Megan and Angela are best friends. Angela was here to see Megan today. You go on over and say hello, and I'll get started with unpacking your things.” He gently took hold of my hand and helped me to my feet.
“Really? It's okay if I stay?” I asked in a whispered.
He grabbed onto me pulled me close, giving me the hugged I longed for. “This is your home. You belong here. Take Pumpkin's basket in and put it in his spot.” He gave me a shove in the direction of the house.
“The car is only a rental. A man from the company is going to pick it up on Friday.”
“Okay, honey. I'll be especially careful then. Thank you for telling me.” He went right to work. I merely stood there waiting for him to find the washer and dryer.
He opened the U-Haul and raised an eyebrow.
“I didn’t want to throw them out. They’re mine from my apartment. I thought maybe –”
“I'm sure Angela's father will help me when he comes to pick her up later. He knows how to hook something like that up. It's okay.” He looked right in my eyes as he said that, taking away my fears. If he was willing to compromise, then so would I.
“Thank you, Gideon.” I turned to Angela and Megan. “Hello, Angela. It is very nice to see you again.”
“Hello, Mrs. Thompson. I'm pleased that you’re home again.” Her lips were pressed together tightly. She looked like she was fighting off a laugh.
“Hello, Angela. It's nice to see you again.”
I turned to Megan then. The sister I never knew he had. He had never mentioned his family to me.
Megan was looking me up and down. I could see that she had been raised elsewhere too. She had a critical gleam in her eye. She was looking for a weakness. I had hurt her brother, and she wouldn't let me get away with that.
“It's nice to meet you, Megan.” I held my hand out to her.
She looked over my shoulder towards Gideon.
“Behave yourself, Megan,” he said, as he walked past us carrying in a box marked kitchen.
“Hello, Jessica.” She shook my hand as quickly as she could.
“I'll go in and start unpacking.” I stepped past them and laid Pumpkin's basket down by the fireplace before I went into the kitchen. Gideon had set the box down on the table, pushing aside the supper dishes. I collected them and brought them over to the sink and started washing them.
“Do all of these boxes mean that you’re staying?” he asked.
I turned and sighed. “Only if it is convenient. If I am, in any way, bothering you, I can leave. If you have a chance at love with Angela, grab onto that and hold onto it – tightly.”
“I’ve never been in love with Angela. It was always you, only you.” He grabbed onto me and pulled me in for a kiss that only a husband could give his wife.
I heard giggling at the door, but still I wrapped my arms around Gideon and held him tightly to me. I wished we were alone like I had dreamt we would be. I wanted it to be bedtime, so we could make love to one another.
He pulled away, smiling. “I'll just go and see what else is there.” He walked past the two other women, and I could tell that he wasn't lying about Angela. She was smirking away.
“What's in the box?” Megan asked.
“It's my china and a few tablecloths that I made.” We worked on unpacking together. The talk stayed light, but Angela admitted that she was disappointed. She still hadn't found a man. Megan was saying that she didn't plan to stick around here. She didn't want a man like the ones here.
Gideon and Angela's father worked on the washer and dryer a bit, but he told him that Gideon needed to do some rewiring. He praised the machines, telling Gideon that a woman needed these things once the children started coming.
I knew that there would be no children coming. I wouldn’t be staying. I was deceiving him in the worst way.
I was using him, but I hoped to give him good memories too. I was going to be the best wife I could be until I felt that I was becoming a burden to him. Then I would leave and go back to die, leaving him all of my money once I was gone. He was going to be a very rich man.
Would that make up for all the lying and deceit?
At nine Gideon announced that it was time for evening prayers. I eagerly dropped to my knees next to the fire.
Megan huffed and did the same.
Gideon gave her a mean looked before he started in with the prayer. He thanked God for bringing me home, and he hoped that he would help Megan learn the value of a loving family.
I grinned to myself. He was so completely convinced that his way was the only right way. He took hold of my hand and sent his little sister off to bed.
She rolled her eyes and went.
“I'm sorry about her. My parents sent her here, so I could straighten her out. She is very strong willed.”
“I'm not worried about her. I'm sure she will turn out just fine.”
He looked down at me, blushing. “I noticed that you unpacked your things in my room.”
“Our room,” I corrected him.
“Does that mean what I think?”
“I can't guess what you’re thinking, but it is bedtime. Let's go up to our bed, Gideon.”
Gideon
She led me up to our room. I was grinning. “I can't believe that you’re really here.”
“I took care of everything else. Now, I can concentrate on you.” That was exactly what I wanted to hear.
“Are you going to stay for good?” I asked her.
She looked pained at that question. I feared that she would leave me again. “I'll stay with you as long as the good lord lets me.”
I sighed relieved. Jessie was home for good.
Once we in our bedroom, she once again asked if it were okay that she was here.
“Jessie,” I slipped my fingers into her hair and caressed her scalp. “Every day I dreamt about you showing up like this. All day I’ve been pinching myself to make sure this isn't a dream.”
“I'm really here.” She looked like she was going to cry.
I wanted to ask her what had made her change her mind, but it didn't matter. What mattered was that she was here, at home, where she belonged.
I leaned down to her and kissed her gently.
“I'll admit I’m a little nervous. I haven't made love in a long time, since before Aaron was born.” A tear ran down her face when she said his name.
I had been wrong. She wasn't feeling better. Jessie had still needed me, and I had let her go. I pulled her close to my body and wrapped her in my arms. “You're home, now. Everything is going to be all right. We'll go visit Aaron tomorrow.”
“Okay.” She bit her lip and nodded. It was clear to see that she had missed him. “Thank you for not being mad.”
“How could I be mad at you for coming home?”
“I assumed that you would be mad at me for leaving.”
“You left me a letter.” It was in the drawer of my nightstand. I often read it before I went to bed, practically every night. She said that she couldn't bear to live in the house that took our baby. “If you want, I'll burn down this house and rebuild.”
“You would do that for me?”
“I would do anything for you.”
“You don't have to burn down your house.”
“Our house,” I corrected her.
“You’re being too good to me. Especially, because his death was entirely my fault.” She believed what she was saying. She was blaming herself, and she shouldn’t.
“It wasn't your fault. I should ha
ve carried you up, like I did every other day.”
“I told you that you didn't have to. It was my fault.”
“I knew that you were weak. I should have insisted.”
“I could have stayed sitting on the sofa. I’m so sorry.”
“Baby, it happened. We can't turn back the hands of time. We have to learn to live without and go on. Maybe if we give him a little brother or a sister, we can heal.”
The look on her face when I said that: it was pure panic. “What if we can't?”
Giving birth to Aaron had caused her terrible pain. She was most likely scared to have another child.
“I wouldn't worry about that now. We will take things slowly.” I hugged her again. She should know that I was there for her.
Jessie was blushing red when I looked down in her face. “I didn't want to go that slowly.”
Her meaning was clear. My wife needed me. I would be a liar if I said I hadn't yearned for her too.
She was gazing up at me and waiting for me to make the first move. My brave little city girl knew how to take care of herself, but she couldn't initiate sex.
I started to unbutton my shirt. Very shyly she copied me, unbuttoning her dress. She was blushing red.
I removed my shirt, and then I covered her hands. “We don't have to. We could just sleep with each other. I've missed you so much.”
“I missed you too,” she confessed.
I turned away, so she could undress in private. I heard her moving around behind my back and getting into bed.
“You can join me now,” she whispered.
I turned around and got into bed beside her. She rolled to her side and I wrapped my arm around her.
I never had to sleep alone again. That was the most important thing.
I gave her a kiss on her cheek and shut my eyes.
We had the rest of our lives to make love. It didn’t need to be right now.
Chapter 17 - Time To Go
Jessie
It was getting harder and harder to hide the truth from him. He worried about my headaches. He wanted me to go see the doctor. I kept saying no and tried to calm his fears, but the headaches were occurring daily.
I feared that I couldn’t hide it anymore. We had three beautiful months together, but now it was time to leave him. He shouldn't have to have the burden of caring for me again. I didn't want that.
I sat down and started a letter. My eyes filled with tears as I began to write. I finally told him the truth, confessing that I had wished to spend my last days with him.
I thanked him for being my husband and told him that he needed to go on with life. I made it sound like it was my last wish that he remarry and have children.
People are more apt to listen to someone who was dead than someone who was alive. The state of no longer existing gave people an aura of wisdom and knowing what they were talking about.
I told him about my money and asked him to take care of Pumpkin for me.
I took my medicine, which I kept hidden in the back of my underwear drawer and went down to help make lunch. I was thankful that I got to celebrate one last Christmas with Gideon. It had been so special.
Our second wedding had been very special too. I had so many wonderful memories to keep me company until it was my time to join Aaron in heaven.
Megan was fighting with the stove.
I poked at the wood until it had just the right temperature.
“I really wish you would talk him into buying a real stove. We didn't grow up like this. It's typical of Gideon to take everything to the extreme.”
“Nothing tastes better than food cooked over a real fire.” I tried to stay out of their sibling fights. Megan threatened to pack her things and leave every day. She never did.
In fact, she was smitten with a young man in the community. He had eaten his Sunday dinner at my table a few times already, which meant that they were serious.
“I'm going to have a real stove and oven when I have a place of my own.”
“Of course you will,” I told her. “But first you’re going to finish school. After that, we will see what you want to do with your life.” The stove had just the right temperature, so I got down the pot I wanted and started to cook, for what I guessed would be the last time in my life.
I used to hate all this, but now the simple tasks had such a pleasure in them.
“Why are you always so calm,” Megan huffed.
“I don't know. I'm simply living each day and appreciating the fact that I can do so.”
“You and my brother really are a perfect match. I never thought that he would find someone.”
“I know you didn't mean that as a compliment, but I’ll take it as one. Will you set the table please?” I wanted to cook this meal all by myself.
Megan was huffing again. It was so hard to be a teenager. I remembered giving my aunt and uncle a hard time too. I was unhappy with myself, and I let that out on them.
I kept my smile on my face throughout the meal.
Megan needed some things for school. Things like that cost money. Gideon made a face that told me that things were tight again. I was glad that I could help out. He wouldn't take my money now, but afterwards he would have to.
I beamed at Gideon, the most important person in my world. I was glad that today was Sunday. We had stopped by Aaron’s grave and talked to him. Without saying the words aloud I told him that I would be joining him soon. I was looking forward to talking to him and getting to know him.
When it was finally time for bed, I made love to my husband without holding back. I wasn't shy, and I wasn't scared. I touched him and told him how wonderful I thought he was.
My words spurred him on, and we made love off and on for a couple of hours. We talked to each other and I told him how glad I was to be married to him.
He told me he was the lucky one, especially now that I could cook. I loved that he wanted to tease me. It meant that we were comfortable with each other.
The next day, I left to go shopping right after Megan left for school. Gideon wasn't worried about me taking off on him anymore. I felt so bad for lying to him, but I didn't want him to have to watch me die. I knew that the pain was going to be awful.
Besides, Gideon had told me that watching me with the pain of giving birth had been the worst experience of his life. I didn't want to do that to him again.
Once I was in town, I got onto the bus, which went to the next bigger city. Lots of townswomen went there to buy the things that they needed, which we couldn't get in our small town.
Instead of getting out at the shopping center, I let the bus bring me to its bus station. They had lockers there. I got the key to one out of my purse and got out my suitcases. I had stopped by here before I went home.
Had that only been a couple of months ago? I had hoped for more time.
I bought a ticket back to Chicago and went home.
Gideon
I went in for lunch and saw that Jessie wasn't back yet. I made myself a huge sandwich and enjoyed it at the table all by myself.
Megan was pushing my buttons lately. I felt that she was worse now that Jessie was here. Megan tried to recruit Jessie to her side, but Jessie now had the inner-peace of a Buddhist monk. She would smile and not take sides.
I talked to Jessie about that, telling her if we were united against Megan, she wouldn't try so much crap.
Jessie informed me that we weren't at war with Megan and said that it was hard to be a teenager. I told her that it was hard to be a big brother too.
Jessie was going to be a great mother. She was so calm about everything. I was guessing that she was already expecting. She had constant headaches and sometimes she was sick. The signs were all there.
I went out to do more work and fill in my charts. The cows were happy and giving a lot of milk. I felt that we could afford to have a child now. I'd talk to Jessie about that again. Maybe she would confess that she was already pregnant.
After the amazing sex we had
last night, I hoped that Jessie was. Sex like that should be rewarded with a child.
Megan came out to the barn to ask about Jessie. My first thought was that she had run off again. But then I looked down at my feet and saw Pumpkin. Jessie wouldn't leave without him. “Maybe she had another one of her headaches. She might be laying down in bed.”
We went into the house and up to the stairs. Jessie wasn't there, but an envelope with my name was on the bed.
I lifted it up and held it in my hand. It was heavy. The letter had a bit of weight to it. It must be several pages long.
I sat down and pulled out the letter. I wasn't ready to read it, but it was four pages long.
“Megan, I'd like to be alone for a moment.”
She left me alone, and I fought with myself, telling myself that it could be about any number of things. Just because my wife wasn't home, and there was a letter on the bed, didn't mean that she didn't love me anymore.
What I read shocked me more than if she had written that she hated me and never wanted to see me again.
I jumped on my tractor and headed to the doctor's. I wanted him to explain to me what was happening with my wife.
His first words were: 'I'm so sorry, Gideon.'
That meant that she honestly was going to die. The doctor would have said it differently if he believed that Jessie had a chance.
I went home and thought about what I needed to do.
I had to find my wife. I would be there for her. It was my right as her husband. She couldn't decide something important like that over my head.
Chapter 18 - Hospice
Jessie
I checked into the place I had carefully picked out before I left Chicago. It wasn't a real hospital, but one that took care of people who were never going to leave again. I was given a room and a doctor came by to check on me.
He wasn't happy with the amount of medicine I had needed to take, so I could pretend that nothing was happening to me. I had needed to fool Gideon.
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