Diary of a Wimpy Vampire

by Tim Collins

  The first animals we passed were the meerkats, who all stood on their hind legs and nudged each other disapprovingly. Next, we walked past a lion that retreated to the back of its cage and roared obnoxiously at me. But it was the monkeys that really drew attention to me. As I passed them, they formed into a threatening rank and howled at me. They threw rocks from their enclosure with scary precision, hitting my head a few times. I tried to pretend it wasn’t happening, but it became harder to shrug off when the little monsters began to hurl themselves with great force against their cage. By this point frightened yelps and howls were coming from every direction and an angry zookeeper threw me out for provoking the animals. I hadn’t even done anything!

  I ended up waiting in the coach on my own while Chloe spent the day with Wayne! And they sat together on the way back! I can only hope that the smell of the cages put him off making a pass at her in the zoo.

  Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I found that Craig had spread the rumour that the monkeys threw their poo at me and that I ran away in tears. Why couldn’t we just have gone to the Science Museum like last year?

  WEDNESDAY 6TH APRIL

  It’s amazing how quickly you can become a social outcast. Just a week ago, I was riding high in the popularity stakes following my Mercy victory over Jay from the tough gang. Now, everywhere I go, I’m greeted by mocking laugher and cruel jibes. Overnight, my very name has become an insult. I know this because I heard a pupil I’ve never spoken to saying ‘Don’t be such a Nigel’ in the corridor this morning.

  At break time, I saw that an obscene picture had been taped to my locker. It depicted me crying and covered in monkey excrement and the words ‘Nigel has monkey bum disease’ were written underneath it. The picture was unsigned, but from the crude style, I’d say the perpetrator was Wayne.

  Chloe wasn’t in the library at lunchtime, but I decided to sit there on my own rather than look for her. I have no desire to drag her into the scandal.

  Resigned to my social failure, I deliberately chose to sit next to Darren in Maths this afternoon. But guess what? This time he built a barrier out of textbooks to block me out. Even that old fleabag considers me persona non grata.

  THURSDAY 7TH APRIL

  Today I tried to explain to everyone that the monkeys had thrown rocks and not faeces, but they wouldn’t listen. I tried to tell Craig, but he made monkey noises every time I opened my mouth. I even tried to explain it to the girls from the popular gang but they ran away whenever I went near them in case they caught my monkey bum disease.

  Once again Chloe was absent from the library at lunchtime. Perhaps she is also worried about contracting the disease.

  FRIDAY 8TH APRIL

  My life is over.

  Yesterday lunchtime, Wayne asked Chloe out and she said yes. Unconfirmed reports suggest that they’ve already snogged.

  As soon as I heard the news I went home. It is now approaching nightfall and I’m still too upset to write anything more. If these words are hard to read, it’s probably because I’ve smudged them with bitter tears.

  I have faced many challenges and setbacks in my time on this planet, but this latest blow is too much. I am simply too sensitive for this world.

  SATURDAY 9TH APRIL

  It is now the Easter holidays. I have a couple of weeks off to try and process what has happened.

  How am I going to get through the days?

  How am I going to survive?

  I know that great art can come from great heartbreak, so I will try and express my feelings in a poem when I have the strength to write more.

  SUNDAY 10TH APRIL

  I have now written my heartbreak poem. It is very deep and moving, and contains old-fashioned words like ‘doth’. It was very difficult to put my pain into words, but at least it means that mankind will be able to look back and understand the true depth of my feelings.

  MY LOVE HAS BEEN STOLEN

    My love has been stolen

      And I am in hell

        Now in my heart

          Nightmares doth dwell.

            My love has been stolen

              Am I am in grief

                How could she forsake me

                  For a boy with bad teeth?

  MONDAY 11TH APRIL

  I am too upset to drink blood. This lunchtime Dad noticed that I hadn’t touched the flask he brought to my room yesterday and asked if anything was wrong. Like, duh! Earth to Dad! My life fell apart on Friday and it’s taken him this long to work out that something is wrong.

  Of course, I told him nothing. He wouldn’t understand anyway. He’s never had any problems attracting women.

  God, I hate him. Sometimes I wish he’d never transformed me.

  TUESDAY 12TH APRIL

  I went for a walk in the countryside today and spent a couple of hours looking over the edge of a cliff. I wanted to end it all by jumping off, but then I remembered that it wouldn’t really end anything.

  No matter how many bones I broke, I’d only lie on the floor until my body mended and then I’d have to get up and continue my miserable existence.

  The only thing I’d really be putting at risk would be my phone, which would get crushed, and then I’d have to go back to using my old one, which doesn’t have a c olour screen.

  It wouldn’t even hurt, as I don’t feel pain. But I make up for this with the emotional pain I feel, which is the worst anyone has ever experienced in history.

  WEDNESDAY 13TH APRIL

  When you think about it, it’s not very easy for a vampire to end it all. Even if you had the strength, it would be hard to drive a stake through your own heart, and beheading yourself would be tricky.

  Dad once told me that the Archduchess of Austria managed to chop her own head off on a guillotine when Aldric of Lyons left her for a younger vampire during the French Revolution, but this is probably just another one of his tall stories.

  I once saw a jar of garlic capsules in a health food shop, and wondered if I would die if I washed the lot down with holy water. I don’t really want to try, though. I’ll probably just get the worst migraine in vampire history. And my sister will choose that exact moment to blast out her teen pop at full volume.

  No, I have no choice but to navigate this eternal river of loneliness in a boat of solitude.

  Note to self: I must remember to include this powerful image in a poem.

  THURSDAY 14TH APRIL

  8AM

  There’s only a month to go until I turn 100. I can’t believe I’m nearly 100 and I haven’t even fed on a girl’s neck yet. Most vampires have done it loads of times when they reach that age.

  12AM

  My parents suggested that we go for a family hike today. Needless to say I refused. In the end, they went off without me, saying that I didn’t know what I’m missing.

  I do know what I’m missing - the point of existence.

  2AM

  I once read that a huge asteroid is going to destroy the world in a few hundred years. I’m willing it to hurry up, but I’ve got a suspicion that even the destruction of the world won’t kill me. I’ll just end up floating aimlessly around space for the rest of eternity. It won’t be that different from my current life, when you think about it.

  FRIDAY 15TH APRIL

  How could this cruel universe let me get so close to happiness and then snatch it from me?

  It is like glimpsing a rainbow only to be condemned to darkness. It is like hearing beautiful music only to be condemned to silence. It is like smelling sweet rose petals before being condemned to Maths teacher breath.

  I am truly at rock bottom.

  SATURDAY 16TH APRIL

  11AM

  The hair I tape over my diary to make sure no one opens it has been broken!

  I am so angry with my sister! I know she is
the culprit because no one else has been in our house and my parents are too self-absorbed to care about what I’m going through. I am absolutely fuming. As soon as Mum and Dad go out hunting tonight, I intend to confront her.

  11PM

  I would like to make a correction. When I wrote yesterday that I was at rock bottom, I got it wrong. I have just been beaten up by my little sister. Now I am at rock bottom.

  When Mum and Dad went out, I dashed into her room and told her that I knew she’d been reading my diary. At first she denied it but when I told her about the hair, she had no choice but to confess. She said she’d only looked at it for a couple of minutes anyway because it was really boring.

  I know that as a child, she can hardly be expected to understand the depth of emotion I deal with in these pages, but I must admit that this criticism sent me into a violent rage and I attempted to strike her.

  As I’ve previously mentioned, my sister has all the mighty speed and strength expected of vampires, so she easily caught my hand, twisted it behind my back and slammed me into a headlock. She held me in this position until I promised not to lash out again and admitted that my real name was ‘Mr Smellypants’.

  You might have won this one, little fiend. But I shall never forget this mistreatment.

  SUNDAY 17TH APRIL

  The only positive thing to come from my recent experiences is that I’m writing poetry of even greater intensity than before. My poems are now getting so profound they don’t even rhyme.

  THE HUNTER

  If I am the biter why am I bitten?

    If I am the attacker why am I attacked?

      If I am the hunter why am I hunted

        By despair?

  In the future, scholars will look back on this period as a great time for my art. But that doesn’t matter to me. I write poetry to express myself and I don’t care what anyone else thinks about it.

  Note to self: Look into possibility of getting poems published.

  MONDAY 18TH APRIL

  I ventured out of the house today to try and get some air, but I soon wished I hadn’t when I saw Wayne and Chloe waiting together at the bus stop. They were getting the number 32 to the leisure mart, perhaps to go bowling, see a film or get a pizza.

  And while they enjoy the taste of mozzarella, pepperoni and cheese-filled crusts, I shall taste only bitter despair. With an extra topping of depression.

  (Note to self: Look into possibility of bequeathing diary to the British Library. These insights into heartbreak must not be lost.)

  Perhaps I should leave town. Mum and Dad reckon we’re the last vampires left, but I bet there are still some other undead families they don’t know about in places like Sweden and Alaska.

  Or maybe I’ll be killed by a vampire slayer, and then my poetry will be discovered and the world will realize what it’s lost. Too late, world. You should have appreciated me when you had the chance.

  TUESDAY 19TH APRIL

  I popped out to buy the new issue of my computer games magazine this morning and I heard an old lady complaining about a recent illness in the newsagent. It sounded suspicious, so I took a close look at her neck, and sure enough there were a couple of bite marks right above the collar of her blouse.

  I can’t believe my parents have been up to their tricks yet again! They are insatiable! It’s difficult enough coping with a broken heart without having to worry about an angry mob driving a stake through it because they’ve discovered my true identity. And all because my parents cannot be bothered to go further afield to hunt for me. They are so lazy.

  As usual, they denied everything when I confronted them this evening, but who else could have done it?

  WEDNESDAY 20TH APRIL

  I was scared to go out today in case I saw Wayne and Chloe again. It would simply be more than I could stand to see that rotten-toothed fool parading around with the only girl I have ever loved. But I couldn’t face another day of staring at my wall either, so I went to the shopping precinct and sat on a bench. An old man stood next to me and said he could see I was troubled. At least somebody noticed!

  He asked me what the problem was, but when I started to tell him, it didn’t take long for him to twist the conversation to the subject of Jesus. I looked up and saw that he was handing out flyers for the local church youth group. His crucifix pendant was dangling right in my face, so now I’ve got a horrible migraine as well as severe depression. I think I’ll stay in tomorrow.

  THURSDAY 21ST APRIL

  Today was so pointless that when I tried to write about it a moment ago, my pen ran out because it couldn’t take the boredom. It took me ages to find a new one and after all that effort I can exclusively reveal that nothing interesting happened today.

  I stayed in bed this morning, and this afternoon I went for a walk and kicked over a traffic cone in anger. A moment later I started feeling guilty and went back to put it upright again. How pathetic. I’m supposed to be a prince of darkness, and I can’t even overturn a traffic cone.

  Another brilliant day, then.

  Note: I was being ironic in that last statement. Thought I might need to point that out in case my sister steals my diary and reads it again.

  FRIDAY 22ND APRIL

  I have written a new poem today. I will let it speak for itself.

  THE PREDATOR

  I am the predator

    Who wants to suck your blood.

      So how can it be that

        You sucked the life from me

          With rejection?

            It sucks.

  SATURDAY 23RD APRIL

  Today is St George’s Day. There’s an ancient superstition that vampires are most active on St George’s Day. I was a pretty good argument against it today, as I did nothing but stare at my bedroom ceiling and reflect on how I’ve ruined my life.

  SUNDAY 24TH APRIL

  Now it is Easter Sunday, where everyone makes a big deal about somebody who came back from the dead 2,000 years ago.

  And what about me? I came back from the dead much more recently than that but nobody seems interested. Oh that’s right, I forgot, no one ever cares about anything I do.

  MONDAY 25TH APRIL

  No school today, as it’s Easter Monday. Not that I am looking forward to the torture of going back and seeing Wayne and Chloe holding hands.

  Using my calculator, I’ve worked out that I’ve been awake for 30,717 days now. That’s 737,208 hours without so much as a snooze. No wonder I’m getting tired.

  TUESDAY 26TH APRIL

  A ray of hope has entered my life! Chloe has dumped Wayne!

  At lunchtime, I provided her with a shoulder to cry on, and found out the details. Apparently, Chloe saw one of Wayne’s sexist magazines in his bedroom, and said that she didn’t approve of it. Instead of at least pretending to throw it away, Wayne defended it and said that girls only complain about these magazines because they’re jealous. Chloe then dumped him for being a chauvinist.

  If only I’d told Chloe that Wayne was a sexist a couple of weeks ago, I could have avoided all that heartache. According to Craig, Wayne’s side of the story is that he dumped Chloe because she is ‘frigid’. I looked this up in a dictionary and discovered that it means she has a cold temperature. Just like me! This proves we are destined to be together!

  The playground was buzzing with the news of the breakup today, and Brian said to me that I should grab Chloe on the rebound. Although I’m reluctant to take romantic advice from someone whose girlfriend looks like an extra from Lord of the Rings, I think he might actually be on to something here.

  WEDNESDAY 27TH APRIL

  7AM

  Today is the day I’m going to finally ask Chloe to be my girlfriend. I can’t risk losing her again. This time I’m really going to do it.

  The time of our dark union approaches, my beloved.

  8AM

  Here I go! This is the last entry I sh
all write before finding true happiness.

  10AM

  I waited outside the school gates for Chloe this morning, but when she arrived she was with two girls from the popular gang, who were grilling her for gossip about the split. When will these vultures let her move on with her life?

  11AM

  I said hello to Chloe after Assembly, but she was late for Maths so I didn’t feel it was the right moment to declare my love. Timing is everything in the eternal dance of seduction.

  12PM

  I am now sitting in the library and waiting for Chloe to arrive. The girls from the popular gang never come here at lunchtime, so I’m certain she’ll be alone this time. I’m so nervous I’ve chewed off my entire fingernail and I’m currently waiting for it to grow back.

  2PM

  I did it! I asked Chloe to be my girlfriend! And - she said she’d think about it! Brilliant! I think.

  In truth, at first she seemed rather embarrassed by my request, and said that she didn’t want to jump into a relationship so soon after finishing with Wayne. I said I knew she was worried that Wayne would be upset to see her getting over him so quickly, but that she should put her bad experience behind her and follow her heart. She seemed swayed by my argument, and told me she’d consider it and let me know her answer tomorrow.

  12PM

  Tomorrow will either be the best or the worst day of my life. Ever since I got home, I’ve been lying in bed and wondering what Chloe will say. I wish I had vampire mindreading skills like Dad’s ex-girlfriend. At least that would get me out of the torture of waiting to discover my fate.