Diary of a Wimpy Vampire

by Tim Collins

  THURSDAY 28TH APRIL

  Well, I have my answer now. Chloe has said that she likes me as a friend, but she doesn’t want to go out with me. She was waiting outside the gates before school to drive these words into my heart. Needless to say, I went straight back to bed and I’ve been here ever since.

  To the annals of vampire lore, please add the following:

  Throughout the history of our species, it’s been thought that the most effective ways to destroy a vampire are to behead them or drive a stake through their heart. However, I have now discovered that telling a vampire that you like them as a friend but don’t want to go out with them is far more effective.

  That is all.

  FRIDAY 29TH APRIL

  I somehow managed to muster the strength to get out of bed today and trudge through my weary life.

  As I was about to enter the school gates, I noticed that Chloe was once again waiting for me. I wondered what further punishment life could have in store for me. Perhaps she had decided that she didn’t even like me as a friend any more.

  Chloe told me that she knew I’d been upset yesterday, and wanted to explain herself. She said that she wasn’t ready to have another boyfriend so soon after dumping Wayne, and that she was afraid that I would also end up hating her if we split up too, and that I’m the only proper friend she’s made since she moved to this town.

  She asked me if I was fine with all this and I pretended that I was. But I think that there is hope. I think there’s hope once again.

  SATURDAY 30TH APRIL

  I spent today looking through Dad’s books for tips on how to get off with girls who only like you as a friend.

  There was very little advice to be gleaned from them, which is hardly surprising when you consider that every other vampire in history was too beautiful to need advice on how to attract the opposite sex.

  But I did find an interesting passage in a large book called Thomas of Arundel’s Vampire Almanac for the Year 1739, Being the Third After Leap Year, Wherein Is Contained Lessons for the Undead Regarding Industry, Temperance and Frugality (I’m guessing they weren’t bothered about snappy book titles back then).

  Inside, there was an account of a vampire from Devon who became infatuated with the only girl in his village who was immune to his powers of mesmerism. It says that in the end he got so impatient that he had to come right out and tell her he was a vampire to make her fall in love with him.

  It said that all human women find vampires irresistible, but sometimes you need to reveal your supernatural status to make them fall for your charms. This sounds like a rather biased claim, but it’s got to be worth a try.

  SUNDAY 1ST MAY

  I have no idea how to tell Chloe I’m a vampire. Obviously, I can’t ask my parents for advice, as they’d go mad if they knew I was telling a human about us.

  It’s a bit of a risk I suppose. For all I know, Chloe could be a vampire slayer posing as an ordinary schoolgirl with a secret undercover mission to destroy me and pick off my family one by one.

  I must cease these paranoid thoughts! Everyone knows that vampire slayers don’t even exist! They were just a scare story created by the vampire media hundreds of years ago to sell more pamphlets.

  But it’s possible she might be prejudiced against my kind. She might be opposed to blood-drinking on ethical grounds, like she is with foxhunting. I’m certainly not going to tell her about the hierarchy of victims outlined by the Vampire Council, as she is a liberal and would find it abhorrent.

  MONDAY 2ND MAY

  Wayne has accused me of stealing Chloe from him, even though I’m not actually going out with her yet. He told Craig to tell Paul to tell Si that he wants to fight me. Fearing that my reply would be deliberately misreported if I sent it back through these channels, I spoke to Wayne directly at lunchtime, letting him know that I’m not actually going out with Chloe, and that I don’t want to fight him.

  I hope I’ve straightened it out, as I really don’t want to have to fight in front of everyone. Although Wayne couldn’t do much to hurt me, I know nothing about combat.

  Dad once tried to teach me vampire martial arts, but there’s not much point in learning them if you don’t have supernatural strength and speed in the first place. Whenever I tried to chop blocks of wood with my hand, I kept breaking my wrist, and we’d have to wait around for it to heal. In the end, he got impatient and told me it would be better if I just phoned him if I was ever in danger.

  TUESDAY 3RD MAY

  5PM

  I tried to drop hints about my true nature to Chloe today, but she didn’t pick up on them.

  First I asked her if she’s ever wondered why she’s never seen me eating, but she thought I was trying to tell her I was anorexic, and said that I should tell the school nurse.

  Next, I asked her if she’s ever wondered why I’m so good at History. She pointed out that she beat me on the last test we had, so this clue didn’t really work.

  I then tried to change tack and told her that I don’t sleep, but this only made her think I was saying I had insomnia. She said that I should consider buying a herbal remedy or a book of relaxation techniques.

  In the end I decided to go for broke and show her my high pain threshold and healing powers. I got the compasses out of my geometry set and was about to dig the point into my hand when she reached out to stop me.

  She told me that she could see I was disturbed and that I mustn’t harm myself just to prove it to her. She said that I should tell my doctor about the problems I’d revealed to her as they sounded serious.

  Great. So now she thinks I’m a self-harming anorexic insomniac. That’s hardly going to increase my sex appeal (except with goth girls). Revealing my true nature to Chloe might prove more difficult than I thought.

  12PM

  I’ve noticed that vampires in films make sly references to their nature when seducing human prey, so I’ve decided to slip these kinds of intriguing lines into conversation with Chloe. I’ve already come up with a few sophisticated ways to imply my nature:

  ‘Music was so much better in the twenties. ’

  ‘I don’t like Dracula. It’s not very realistic. ’

  ‘Is that type O- I can smell?.’

  ‘Your heartbeat sounds fast today. ’

  ‘I apologize if I seem tetchy. I’ve been awake for the last 737,208 hours. ’

  WEDNESDAY 4TH MAY

  The subtle and sophisticated approach turned out to be a waste of time. I even took to raising my eyebrows before making the vampire references, but the penny didn’t drop. I think I’m going to have to be more direct.

  Stupid Mr Jenkins is getting back on my case about PE lessons now that I’ve been off for three months. When he passed me in the hall at lunchtime he said I was looking well. He was trying to catch me out, but I replied that my back still hurt.

  That was a close shave. I don’t have my kit with me, so I know that Mr Jenkins would make me do PE wearing something from the spare clothes box, which is covered in fleas. Just a small part of the humiliating revenge he has planned, no doubt.

  I’m going to get Dad to say that I’m asthmatic and if Mr Jenkins makes me do PE, I’ll have an attack and the school will get sued. That should be enough to keep the fiend away from me.

  THURSDAY 5TH MAY

  Fate has handed a wonderful gift to me. There is a film about vampires showing at the cinema. I shall invite Chloe to come and see it, and it will create the perfect excuse to reveal my true nature to her .

  It’s all so simple! Chloe shall succumb to my forbidden passion in the leisure mart car park.

  FRIDAY 6TH MAY

  12PM

  So far, my plan is going without a hitch. Chloe has agreed to come to the cinema with me. She has also agreed with my film choice, blissfully unaware that it shall mark her induction into the diabolical world of night.

  Step into my trap, fragile prey.

  4PM

  My brilliant plan has hit a big fat obstacle. Chl
oe told Brian from the goths about our cinema trip, and he has rudely invited himself along. Now John and Brian’s strange-looking girlfriend are coming along too, which doesn’t even make the right amount of people for a double date. Perhaps if I make sure I’m sitting next to Chloe on the end of the row I can whisper the dark truth to her unheard by these surplus goths. But I’m sure the smell of them alone will be enough to kill the mood.

  SATURDAY 7TH MAY

  Well that was a waste of eight pounds plus bus fare. I failed to sit next to Chloe, reveal my true nature or make her mine for the rest of eternity. And the film was rubbish!

  Brian and John made a huge embarrassment of themselves on the way there by throwing boiled sweets at people from the bus window. If they’re not mature enough to cope with travelling on their own, they shouldn’t be allowed to. To make things worse, Brian’s girlfriend was really egging them on.

  Although I tried to position myself next to Chloe in the cinema, John barged in between us and I ended up wedged between him and Brian’s girlfriend, who bought a trough of popcorn and a vat of Coke. She kept alternating between slurping the Coke, munching the popcorn and snogging Brian. From what I could hear between these disgusting noises (which wasn’t much), the film was pretty appalling. It trotted out all the old vampirist tripe about us sleeping in coffins, turning into bats and crumbling into ash at the first sign of sunlight.

  Still, Chloe said that she thought that the main vampire was ‘gorgeous’, so my plan might well have worked if those other idiots hadn’t lumbered along.

  I managed to sit next to Chloe on the bus back, but my efforts to chat her up were sabotaged by Brian and John repeatedly pressing the bell to annoy the bus driver. In the end, we were all thrown off and had to walk the rest of the way. Chloe was visibly irritated and I was forced to abandon any further seduction attempts.

  SUNDAY 8TH MAY

  10AM

  Whenever I try to reveal my true nature to Chloe, I find it hard to put into words, so I’ve decided to set out the truth in a letter.

  Darling Chloe

  I am writing to apologize for my behaviour over the last few days. You might think I have been acting strangely since I declared my love for you. But the fact is, I have been trying to unveil a dark secret.

  The truth is that I’m a vampire, and I am almost 100 years old.

  This might seem unbelievable or shocking to you. It might be a while before you are able to accept what I am saying. But if you consider the facts, you will come to accept it.

  Have you ever wondered why I don’t sleep? Why I don’t eat? Why I feel no pain?

  It is because I am one of the undead.

  Do you feel drawn to me but overwhelmed by a mysterious sense of danger? Do I seem delicious but forbidden to you like a poisoned apple or some yoghurt that’s been accidentally left out of the fridge?

  Am I right to suppose that there was a look of suspicion on your face that time in History when we watched a DVD called Life During Wartime? Did you understand that one of the teenagers in the black-and-white footage was actually me?

    Yours in eternal admiration,

  Nigel

  P.S. If you didn’t recognize me in the DVD, you can get it out of the library. Pause it after 12 minutes and 35 seconds and look in the top right corner of the screen.

  P.P.S. Don’t tell anyone about this.

  P.P.P.S. Don’t ask me to prove it by turning into a bat.

  All that stuff is made up.

  1PM

  I have now posted the letter. I am prepared for the consequences.

  3PM

  I am beginning to regret posting the letter. What if Chloe is repelled by my true nature? What if she shows it to her parents? What if my parents find out and abandon me for putting us all in danger?

  6PM

  I am so stupid for writing our secrets down in a letter. What if the postman is a vampire slayer?

  1AM

  Tonight I went out to retrieve the letter from the post box. At first I attempted to scoop it out with a coat hanger, but that didn’t work, so I had to get my sister to use her vampire strength. I had to beg her for ages before she agreed. I ended up giving her thirty pounds from my savings to buy a new Magical Princess Fashion Doll to make her come down to the post box and rip it in half so I could remove the letter .

  So now I’ve wasted thirty pounds, pleaded humiliatingly to my little sister and damaged council property, and all because I didn’t have the guts to speak to Chloe directly.

  No more excuses. Tomorrow I will tell Chloe the truth.

  MONDAY 9TH MAY

  Today went well for me. Or at least I think it did.

  I stopped Chloe on the way back from school and told her I had something to reveal.

  I tried again to tell her the truth, but my words kept coming out wrong. I said something about being 100, but she looked confused. I said something about how I don’t have as much speed and strength as I should, but it didn’t make things any clearer. Then I went off on a strange tangent about how I didn’t really eat the sweets she gave me in the library.

  But as I was stumbling through this nonsense, she started to look at me differently. Her face turned from impatience and confusion to that hazy look of desire I see on the faces of middle-aged women when Dad smiles at them. She reached towards me and the flow of blood in her wrists was so loud and fast that I couldn’t hear what I was saying any more.

  My incoherent wittering was silenced when she pressed her finger against one of my teeth. It turns out that I’d been concentrating so hard on trying to reveal my true nature I hadn’t noticed that my fangs had extended and done the job for me.

  Chloe ran her finger down one of them, as if to check they weren’t from a joke shop. And then, still in a dreamlike haze, she leant forward and kissed me on the lips!

  She looked at me for a second with that gorgeous type O- blood filling her cheeks, and then dashed off. And that was the last I saw of her.

  Tonight I shall do nothing except relive that brief, sweet moment over and over again!

  TUESDAY 10TH MAY

  Yesterday I wasn’t quite sure if the day had gone well. Well I can confirm that today did as Chloe has now agreed to be my girlfriend!

  When I arrived at the school gates this morning, she was waiting for me again, and this time she asked me loads of questions about vampires. I told her about everything - my age, my family, my blood-drinking. She found it hard to take in, but she was prepared to believe it now she’d seen my fangs.

  Although she didn’t admit it, I can tell she fancies me more now she knows I’m a vampire, just as the Almanac suggested. I just wish I’d revealed my supernatural nature sooner!

  When I asked her if she’d be my girlfriend, she said yes! So now we are officially an item, although we’ve agreed to keep it secret from the rest of the school for the time being, as she doesn’t want Wayne to get upset.

  I don’t care if he finds out! I don’t care if he rams a stake through my heart! At least I would die happy!

  WEDNESDAY 11TH MAY

  I sat next to Chloe in History and I spent the entire lesson drawing love hearts with her name in the middle and showing them to her. Then I drew a more realistic picture of a human heart and I became intensely aware of the sound of blood spluttering through hers. I thought I might have gone too far with this drawing, so I kept it to myself.

  I wonder when she’ll let me drink her blood? Better take it one step at a time, though. We haven’t even snogged yet!

  THURSDAY 12TH MAY

  I sat next to Chloe in Art this morning and we held hands all lesson. Let the school gossip, I’m not ashamed of our love.

  An update on my ridiculous sibling: Tonight my sister tried to be controversial by putting a werewolf poster on her bedroom wall. She’s seen a film in which an army of vampires battle an army of werewolves, and she’s decided that she wants to join ‘Team Werewolf’ rather than ‘Team Vampire’. Needless to say, we’ve all chosen t
o ignore her pathetic gesture of rebellion. I even told her that I fully approved of her decision to join Team Werewolf, and offered to buy her a flea collar and a kennel to sleep in.

  FRIDAY 13TH MAY

  They say that Friday the 13th is unlucky. Not for me it wasn’t. I had my first ever snog today!!!

  Chloe let me walk her back from school, and when we were almost at her house, she let me give her a French kiss. It didn’t last long, as my fangs began to extend, and I was worried they might impale her tongue.

  I then walked her up to her door and went home. And since then I’ve just been lying here in bed and feeling happy about the way things have turned out. The whole world seems different now I’ve done a proper snog.

  SATURDAY 14TH MAY

  6PM

  Happy birthday to me!!! Sweet 100 today!!! And now I’ve finally got a girlfriend, I don’t even feel too bad about reaching this milestone.

  My human birthday is always a time for quiet contemplation, rather than family celebration like my transformation day.

  I spent today looking through the bags of old possessions I keep in my wardrobe: cigarette cards from the thirties, Star Wars figures from the seventies and obsolete console games from the nineties. I even had a look at my photograph of the orphanage in London where I lived when I was human.

  I was falling into a state of wistful reflection when another shrill and hateful dose of teen pop came blasting through the wall and snapped me out of it. Trust my sister to ruin this special day.

  10PM

  I just texted Chloe goodnight. I considered phoning her, but we’ve only been going out for four days and twelve hours and I didn’t want to come across like an obsessive stalker.*