Diary of a Wimpy Vampire

by Tim Collins

  I suppose I could pretend to have an upset stomach, but they’ll wonder why I came round at all if I’m ill.

  Perhaps if I sit next to the radiator I can slip the food down there discreetly. But this could cause an unpleasant stench, especially if they make tuna bake or macaroni cheese.

  SATURDAY 28TH MAY

  I think I’ve come up with a good solution to the food problem. I’ve taken one of my dad’s old jackets and sewn a couple of plastic bags inside the sleeves. Using sleight of hand, I’ll pretend to put the food in my mouth while letting it fall into the bags. I’ve been practising, and I reckon I can do it quickly enough to avoid suspicion.

  SUNDAY 29TH MAY

  My food jacket was a success, at first.

  I called round at Chloe’s house on time, and waited to be invited inside by her parents.* I shook hands with them, complimenting them on their choice of furniture to distract from my cold temperature.

  We sat down for lunch and Chloe’s dad poured me a glass of fresh orange juice, which I pretended to sip. Chloe’s mum then served the meal she had prepared, which was roast beef, boiled potatoes and carrots. I felt sorry for her when I saw the pride with which she dished it out. If only she’d left my cut of beef out of the oven I could at least have sucked the blood out of it.

  I congratulated Chloe’s mum on her cooking as I discreetly tucked it up my sleeves. When I had cleared my plate, I excused myself, locked myself in the bathroom and flushed the food down the toilet. The carrots kept floating up again and it took me five flushes to get rid of it all.

  I took my place again at the table downstairs, but just when I was beginning to think I was out of the woods, Chloe’s mum produced an enormous sponge pudding and jug of custard. Despite my protestation that I was full, she insisted on doling out a huge portion. I managed to get it into the plastic bags in my sleeves, but they got so full that I had to keep my arms held up at my sides to avoid custard seepage.

  I just about managed to get away with it until it was time to leave and Chloe’s dad held out his hand for me to shake. Not wanting to let the custard slide onto his hand, I was left with no choice but to shout ‘High five!’ He looked rather surprised but held his hand up and I slapped my palms against his.

  As soon as I was out of sight, I poured the foul custard down the drain.

  *I waited out of politeness, although I’m also rather superstitious about entering human residences. According to folklore, vampires experience intolerable pain if they enter a home without first being asked in.

  As ever, the myth doesn’t really stand up to scrutiny. Does everyone who lives there have to invite you in? Do you need permission from the landlord if they’re renting? What are the rules for caravans?

  Nonetheless, I don’t feel it’s worth the risk. ‘Intolerable pain’ doesn’t sound much fun to me.

  MONDAY 30TH MAY

  The school holidays started again today, and for once they were welcome, as I got to spend some quality time with Chloe away from the attention of the school gossipers.

  This morning we went down to the shopping centre. Chloe said that people who spend their lives looking around shops are shallow and materialistic, so we bought some serious newspapers and went for a coffee. Chloe had a frappuccino, and I got a cup of ice and poured some blood into it from my flask. I felt like a normal well-adjusted teenager, sipping a frappuccino in a coffee franchise with my girlfriend. Admittedly, it was a human blood frappuccino, but apart from that it was completely normal and well-adjusted.

  I couldn’t find much in the serious newspaper that interested me. There was a page of computer game reviews and a couple of cartoon strips, but that was about it. Chloe read all the news stories in her paper, though, even the ones about other countries! She is so mature!

  TUESDAY 31ST MAY

  I went out for a romantic walk in the countryside with Chloe today. It was nice to walk at human pace instead of trying to keep up with my family.

  Chloe said I should take my jacket off because it was hot, but I said I didn’t want to in case I got a rash. She said that I shouldn’t be ashamed of my rashes as they are part of who I am as a vampire. Let’s hope she’s this understanding about vampire culture when I ask to drink her blood!

  I tied my jacket against my waist and felt a wonderful sense of abandon as I waved my bare arms around. When I got home, Mum saw my red arms and went mad at me for forgetting to put sunblock on. I told her I was in love and had no time for such trivial concerns.

  WEDNESDAY 1ST JUNE

  Chloe is going to Wolverhampton to see her aunt tomorrow. When I tried to persuade her to stay here with me, she said that she couldn’t neglect her family duties, but because of the request I made in my poem she’s decided to let me sit in the tree outside her bedroom window and watch her sleep.

  I can’t do many of the romantic things that vampires do for human women, like carrying them to Paris for the weekend, but I’m sure I can manage to sit in a tree for a few hours. I have arranged to be in the tree at half past twelve tonight, after her parents have fallen asleep, at which point Chloe will open her bedroom curtain.

  Spoilt brat update: My sister has announced that she wants learn to ride a pony. What a ridiculous idea! Imagine the fuss all the animals would make if she strolled into a pony trekking centre. I told her about my experience in the zoo but she took no notice.

  Even if the ponies were stupid enough to let my sister near them, how long would she be able to resist sticking her teeth into one of their veiny necks?

  When will my sister accept that she’s not the princess of a magical rainbow kingdom, but a ruthless and bloodthirsty killer like the rest of us?

  Spoilt brat newsflash: My parents told my sister she isn’t allowed pony lessons. Anyone would think they were rational, fair and sensible. I don’t know why they’re acting so out of character.

  THURSDAY 2ND JUNE

  Chloe has gone to Wolverhampton now, and I’m resting at home in bed, feeling a little sore after my night in the tree.

  I arrived at half past twelve as agreed, but I couldn’t get up the tree at first. I ended up having to use the ladder from the back of their shed, which hardly enhanced the atmosphere of supernatural romance.

  When Chloe saw me in the tree, she waved and then went to bed. It took her a while to go to sleep, because every time she opened her eyes to check I was still there, this made me laugh, and then she laughed too.

  When she did get to sleep, I have to confess that I found the experience pretty dull. I stared at her and thought about my undying love for an hour or so, but then my mind began to wander. I was tempted to nip down to the allnight garage and buy a magazine, but I was worried that she might wake up and question the seriousness of my feelings.

  Around 3am, I took my phone out of my pocket and played Snake until the batteries died. Chloe started snoring at round 4am, and it was so loud I could hear it through the glass. She woke up at 6.30am, waved goodbye through her window and then I left.

  It was good to do some proper romantic vampire stuff, but I think I’ll bring a crossword next time.

  FRIDAY 3RD JUNE

  12PM

  I can’t begin to express the heartache I feel upon being separated from my true love. This is probably how Sebastian of Lyons felt when his lover was imprisoned in the Bastille for twenty years. Except he didn’t have the option to send texts like I do.

  1AM

  I went out for a walk in the graveyard again tonight to take my mind off my heartache, and guess who I saw there?

  It was only Dad, lurking behind one of the graves!

  Resisting the urge to let him know I’d caught him red-handed, I kept a good distance back and observed him. I couldn’t believe that he’d denied responsibility for the attacks on the local townspeople, and yet here he was hanging around the graveyard at midnight waiting for the next victim to snack on. How dare he put my happiness at risk for the sake of his own greed?

  In the far distance I could see
a woman enter the graveyard alone. Spotting his chance, Dad swooped. I tried to run after him and let him know he was caught, but I was unable to match his vampire speed, and could only watch from a distance as he sated his foul appetite on the innocent.

  Eventually, I caught up with him and was just about to take him to task when I realized that the woman he was attacking wasn’t a passing human at all, but Mum! And the worst thing is that they were kissing! It was so disgusting.

  Looking very sheepish and embarrassed, they explained to me that it was the anniversary of the time they first met, and they were celebrating by recreating it.

  I told them that I didn’t want to know anything about their sordid activities, but they should at least tell me if they’re going out at night, as my sister has been left at home on her own thanks to their irresponsible behaviour. What if a burglar came in?

  To be fair, the burglar would be in more danger than my sister, but I was enjoying the moral high ground too much to concern myself with such minor points.

  SATURDAY 4TH JUNE

  I have written a poem to help me cope while Chloe is in Wolverhampton. I considered sending it to her, but I’m worried she might find it too graphic. Plus, it’s slightly too long to fit on a text. When the time comes for my work to be published, Chloe cannot be shielded from the intensity of my feelings, but until then I’ll keep them secret.

  I WAIT IN ETERNAL PAIN

  With your neck so long and blood so sweet

    Life without you is incomplete

      How I long to stick my fangs in your vein

        Instead I wait in eternal pain.

  SUNDAY 5TH JUNE

  Chloe’s dad will be driving her back from Wolverhampton now. I hope he’s a safer driver than my dad, and that my love isn’t stolen away from me by a fatal crash, dooming me to eternal grief. That would be just typical.

  In just a few hours’ time, we shall be reunited. Come swiftly, precious hour!

  MONDAY 6TH JUNE

  I went back to school today, and was reunited with my true love. I told her that the last four days had been the longest of my life, although from the sound of it, they would have felt even longer if I’d gone to Wolverhampton.

  Wayne is going out with Sally Mulligan now. I think he’s only doing it to get revenge on Chloe and me because he kept snogging her at the bus stop after school and looking over at us. Neither of us particularly cared. We are in a proper, adult relationship now, and have no need to concern ourselves with the trivial lives of our immature classmates.

  Plus, I know I’m a better snogger than him because Chloe said so.

  TUESDAY 7TH JUNE

  Today was so sunny that Chloe let me give her a hug. Because I’m cold, Chloe is usually reluctant to hug me unless she’s wearing a jumper. But today she said she found my temperature soothing.

  I’d better enjoy it while I can, because she’s not going to want my freezing body anywhere near her when winter comes around again.

  WEDNESDAY 8TH JUNE

  A weird thing happened at lunchtime today. Chloe was looking at me in the library when a dreamy and distant look came into her eyes. I asked her if she was alright, but she just kept staring at me with strange contentment.

  After a couple of minutes I alerted the librarian, who took Chloe to the school nurse. She needed to lie down, but was soon feeling fine again. The nurse interrogated her for a further twenty minutes about whether she’d taken any alcohol or drugs, and then she let her go. She was right as rain again in time for Business Studies.

  When I walked Chloe home later, she still seemed fine. I asked her about her experience at lunchtime, and she said that the room went swirly, she could hear a distant piano and smell rose petals, and she felt very safe and relaxed. The more I think about it, the more Chloe seems to have been showing the effects of vampire hypnosis.

  But I don’t have the vampire power of mesmerism, so I’ve no idea how that could have happened. How strange.

  THURSDAY 9TH JUNE

  We sneaked into the Music room at lunchtime so I could show Chloe my piano skills. I started with simple pieces like ‘Chopsticks’ and ‘The Camptown Races’, so she would be more impressed by what followed, then launched into Beethoven’s ‘Moonlight Sonata’. Chloe was overjoyed at my skills, but I didn’t want to look directly at her in case I mesmerized her again and the nurse became convinced she was a drug addict.

  I broke off and explained to Chloe that during eight and a half decades with no sleep, you get a lot of time to hone your skills. She asked what else I’d developed a talent for, but the only things I could think of were Connect Four and Tetris, so I turned back to the piano and continued playing.

  FRIDAY 10TH JUNE

  Craig played an explicit rap song on his phone in Maths today. The rapper was being rude about a rival, and everyone was really impressed with all the swearing, but I didn’t think it was a big deal.

  It’s nothing new, anyway. Dad told me that a vampire called Ludovico of Sienna once published an epic poem about how a love rival was ignorant, loathsome and tedious. He was found dead with a wooden stake through his heart two weeks later in what was thought to be a ride-by staking.

  Mum and Dad are down in London again from tomorrow, so I’m going to invite Chloe round and play the piano for her. I might even light one of Mum’s ancient candelabras and put on one of Dad’s capes. I used to think all that stuff was really corny, but the more I vamp it up, the more Chloe seems to fancy me, so I’m happy to go along with it all now.

  I don’t mind playing up to stereotypes if it gets me some action!

  SATURDAY 11TH JUNE

  Chloe came round at six this evening, and said that she’d promised her parents she’d be back before nine. That didn’t give me much time to establish the melodramatic mood and swoop in for a snog.

  I had a quick check to make sure nobody was walking past, and then opened the door to show her my suit and cape. She stifled a laugh when she saw me but I could tell she thought it was really sexy.

  I have to say, I don’t quite understand why capes were so popular with vampires. I think it had something to do with shielding your skin from the sun, but I found it highly impractical. It kept swishing out behind me and knocking things off tables. Running around a candle-strewn castle with one of these things on sounds like a blatant fire hazard to me.

  When Chloe was inside I sat at the piano and launched into Chopin’s ‘Funeral March’ (no vampire cliche is too cheesy when seduction is on the cards).

  Then I sat next to her and was just about to roll out some line about how I’ve searched through the endless fog of time for her when my annoying sister walked in and asked us what we were doing.

  I told her that we were having a private conversation, but she failed to take the hint and plonked herself down on an armchair. Chloe politely chatted to her while I threw in a series of unsubtle suggestions about how she probably had something to get on with, all of which went right over her dense little head.

  In the end I walked Chloe home, and got just one quick snog, which isn’t much when you consider all the effort I put in.

  SUNDAY 12TH JUNE

  Chloe has gone to church this morning, and there was no question of me tagging along. All those crucifixes would give me a splitting headache, and the rest of the day would be a write-off.

  So now I’ve been on the PlayStation for seven hours straight. Craig once told me that computer games aren’t as exciting once you get a girlfriend. I didn’t believe him, but now I think it might actually be true.

  Perhaps I’m becoming mature.

  MONDAY 13TH JUNE

  Chloe has several nicknames for me now because that’s what happens in serious relationships. She calls me ‘Fangy’, ‘Mr Freeze’ and ‘Nige of the Living Dead’. I thought these lacked gravitas, so I’ve suggested that she call me ‘Nightwalker’ instead. So far my suggestion has not been taken on board.

  I had to see the careers advisor tod
ay. Over the years I’ve developed a strategy of pretending I want to work in a sector that I know they’ve got a leaflet on like healthcare or retail, so I can make the meeting as short as possible. Unfortunately this particular careers advisor insisted on grilling me about my interests. I played along, even though it doesn’t matter what I want to do in the future, because I’ll be a school pupil until society breaks down so much that schools no longer exist.

  In the end she gave me a leaflet about IT and I binned it at the first opportunity. After her meeting, Chloe decided she wanted to help disadvantaged children in Africa. I admired her selflessness, but I tried to steer her away from the plan because Africa would be too hot for me.

  TUESDAY 14TH JUNE

  Mum and Dad are back from London with a new supply of delicious type AB+ blood.

  I was happily tucking into some when Dad came into my room looking awkward. He sat down on the edge of the bed and explained that as I had a human girlfriend now, it was time that we had a talk about feeding. I told him that I didn’t have any plans to feed on Chloe, but he went on with his prepared speech.

  He said that vampires need to be very careful when they feed in order to avoid accidentally transforming a human into one of us. He explained that unwanted transformation occurs when the blood of a vampire mixes with that of a human, so you should make sure that you don’t have any cuts in your mouth before you feed.