Diary of a Wimpy Vampire

by Tim Collins

  12PM

  I have been going out with Chloe for four days and fourteen hours now.

  *Apparently, it is an insult to call a human a stalker. This is a great compliment in the vampire world.

  SUNDAY 15TH MAY

  6PM

  Today I harvested some human blood myself! Bet you weren’t expecting that. I went out for a walk this afternoon, and I was crossing the road when I heard a cry for help coming from around a bend. I saw that a man had fallen off his bike as he was turning a corner, and what a stroke of luck - he was a courier delivering blood to the hospital!

  The man was dazed, so I called an ambulance on his phone. But I couldn’t resist opening up the back of his bike and making off with the blood. It was a bit naughty, but they must be aware of the temptation they’re presenting when they write the word ‘Blood’ on the front of their vehicles as if they were vampire ice-cream vans.

  When I got home, Mum and Dad were very impressed that I’d managed to bring home some blood, even if it was just boring old type A+ .

  10PM

  I have been enjoying the blood I collected, but now I’ve started to feel slightly guilty. What if the person it was intended for is really ill? What if the courier gets the sack for losing it? What if the donor took the morning off work to give it?

  I know I shouldn’t worry about these things. Vampires are supposed to be able to glide around and glug human blood as they fancy, but I can’t help but feel guilty about the people I affect.

  Perhaps I am too sensitive to be undead.

  MONDAY 16TH MAY

  This morning I told Chloe how much I’d missed her over the weekend. She said she’d missed me too and that she’d got a book about vampires out of the library to learn more about my culture. I told her that if she has any questions about the subject, she should ask my parents or myself rather than reading some work of propaganda that claims we can all turn into bats.

  She got very excited at the prospect of meeting Mum and Dad, and I immediately wished I hadn’t mentioned it. I can understand why she’s so curious to meet some other vampires, but I know that they’ll find some way to embarrass me if I bring her round. Wearing strange old-fashioned clothes, playing the harpsichord, biting her. That kind of thing.

  But I will discuss the matter with them as I promised. Anything for my darling Chloe.

  TUESDAY 17TH MAY

  9PM

  Tonight I asked Mum and Dad if I could bring my girlfriend home to meet them, and I think it came as a shock. I don’t know why it should - it’s not like I’m twelve any more.

  Mum said that she’d always imagined I’d settle down with a nice vampire girl. How am I supposed to do that when there aren’t any left?

  Dad said that he was happy for me, but that I should think very deeply about my decision to date someone from the mortal world.

  Decision? Falling in love isn’t a decision!

  And think deeply? He hardly thought deeply when he was courting Mum in Paris 200 years ago. According to him, he fed on her neck within moments of meeting her, transformed her after just a week, and they’d had their vampire wedding before the month was out. He’s hardly in a position to lecture anyone about restraint.

  11PM

  Dad has given me a pamphlet called So You’re Thinking of Loving a Mortal? It looks ancient and I’d be very surprised if it has anything relevant to say to a modern young vampire like me.

  1AM

  Word has reached my sister that I have a girlfriend. Tonight she ran into my room and chanted the following:

   Nigel and Chloe in a tree

   K. I. S. S. I. N. G.

   First comes love,

   Then comes marriage,

   Then comes Chloe with a baby carriage.

  What my sister has failed to understand is that when you’re in a mature and adult relationship, it’s not something you’re ashamed of, so this kind of teasing doesn’t work. Also, given that I’m a vampire, the only way we could ever have a baby would be if I transformed a human one and spent the rest of eternity feeding it blood from a bottle every time it cried. And even the broodiest vampires have realized that’s not a very clever idea.*

  Though I was reluctant to sink to my sister’s level, I soon realized that the only way I could get rid of her would be to accuse her of kissing a boy in her class called Kyle Brown. This had the desired effect of making her howl in shame and dash back to her room.

  *The Vampire Council used to have a strict rule that you could only transform humans between the ages of seven and seventy. Anyone younger is likely to throw dangerous public tantrums, and anyone older just looks weird when they lift up huge rocks or run faster than cars.

  WEDNESDAY 18TH MAY

  6PM

  This morning both Craig and John the goth asked if it was true that I was going out with Chloe. I said I had no comment on the matter, which they took as confirmation. I don’t know why everyone is so surprised I have a girlfriend. Perhaps when they’re more mature they’ll understand love.

  In the afternoon we had a Biology lesson on the human digestive system, which was about how they eat food and turn it into poo. Humans are pretty disgusting when you think about it (not Chloe, she is fragrant and lovely, but all other humans are nasty).

  It made me wonder about the digestive system of vampires. It’s clearly different, because we don’t need to go to the toilet, but nobody has ever found out how it works. Perhaps I should donate my sister to science so they can find out.

  10PM

  This evening I’ve been reading the pamphlet that Dad gave me. Needless to say, it’s hopelessly outdated.

  It’s basically a work of propaganda produced by the Vampire Council, which claims that vampires should fall in love with their own kind because loving mortals is too risky.

  It says that vampires will be unable to control their desire to drink human blood, and this will cause problems. The mortal could die if too much blood is drained from them, or they could get infected with vampire blood and transform.

  It says that many mortals will beg to be turned into vampires, but they won’t understand what they’re letting themselves in for. It’s a really out-of-date leaflet because it says there’s a danger of vampire overpopulation if too many humans transform, and every vampire will be fighting over the same scarce blood resources.

  Overpopulation? According to Dad, we’re the last vampires left. Surely extinction is a bigger danger than overpopulation.

  1AM

  I told Dad that the leaflet hasn’t put me off having a mortal girlfriend and I think he’s warming to the idea. I asked him if Chloe could come round for lunch on Sunday, and he agreed. He doesn’t have any human friends, so I had to make it very clear to him that she is coming round to eat lunch rather than to be lunch. I think he understood.

  THURSDAY 19TH MAY

  1PM

  Wayne has found out that Chloe and I are an item, and apparently I’m going to fight him in the playing fields after school. I’m dreading it, not because I’m scared of Wayne, but because I hate it when everyone stares at me.

  Chloe said she was disappointed with me for agreeing to the fight. I tried to explain to her that I hadn’t agreed, and had simply been informed by Craig that I would be taking part. For all I know, Wayne might have found out in exactly the same way.

  Chloe then said that she’s refusing to attend the childish fight that’s being held in her honour and doesn’t care who wins.

  3PM

  Craig passed me a note in Maths that said that Wayne is claiming to have snogged my mum. Wayne would be lucky to escape with his life if he ever tried!

  I think Craig is stirring it up.

  7PM

  I’ve had my first ever fight now, and I have to say I found the whole thing very awkward. I dutifully made my way to the playing fields this afternoon with an angry Wayne and an excited group of onlookers.

  Once we were a good distance from the staff window, we dumped our bags on
the floor, and waited for everyone to cluster round.

  Craig lead the crowd in a rousing chant of ‘Have a fight! See who’s best!’ Wayne then gave me a shove, but I couldn’t really be bothered pushing him back, so I just stood there. He seemed really angry, so I can only guess what Craig claimed I’d done to his mum.

  I tried to defuse the situation by explaining to Wayne that I had made no attempt to seduce Chloe until she dumped him. Rather than calming him down, this made him even angrier, and he threw a series of clumsy slaps at me. Feeling no pain, and unaware of what the appropriate thing to do was, I suggested that we forget the whole silly business. I thought my attempts to make peace had succeeded. However, I saw glint of true rage in his eyes and realized that he was preparing to throw a punch.

  Unsure what else to do, I watched in curiosity as Wayne’s fist hit me. I had a vague sense that I should pretend to be hurt when it made contact, but I felt too self-conscious to put on an act.

  It didn’t matter anyway, as within a second of hitting me, Wayne was rolling around on the floor. It seems that when Wayne’s hand crushed into my icy face, a bone in his index finger snapped.

  Sensing that something serious had happened, most of the onlookers fled the scene. I offered to help Wayne, but he told me not to touch him so I skulked off home.

  FRIDAY 20TH MAY

  1PM

  As soon as I got inside the school gates I was besieged by pupils asking me if it was true that I beat up Wayne so badly he had to go to hospital. Even members of the tough gang were looking at me with admiration. Where were these fair-weather friends when I was being accused of spreading monkey bum disease?

  I didn’t really care what they thought. I was more concerned that Chloe would be angry with me for being violent.

  I caught her in the corridor on the way to Maths and she said that she’d heard about the fight. I was about to explain that I hadn’t acted in aggression, when she gave me a big kiss! And after she’d said she was a pacifist!

  After 100 years on this planet, I am still no closer to understanding girls.

  7PM

  For a while today I was almost starting to feel proud of my victory. But by the afternoon, word had reached the teachers that I beat up Wayne and the headmaster took me into his office for a completely unfair telling off.

  To be honest, getting told off by the headmaster isn’t the harsh experience it once was, when you’d join a row of wrongdoers and wait for a whack of the cane.

  But the punishment you get now is worse in its own way. We had to have a chat about my ‘aggressive tendencies’, and I was forced to say that I now regretted my actions, which had made me less popular with my fellow pupils (the opposite is true), and that I’d learned that violence doesn’t solve anything. The headmaster droned on about my ‘anger issues’ for a while, but he eventually let me go.

  SATURDAY 21ST MAY

  I saw Jay and Baz from the tough gang riding a shopping trolley around their estate this afternoon. They’d heard about the fight, and called me over to ask if I was a ‘hard case’. I said I was and they told me to prove it by riding the trolley down a flight of steps. I was happy to rise to their challenge, even though I couldn’t really see the point.

  The trolley tipped over at the bottom of the stairs, and I flew out and broke my wrist. I hid it in my jacket pocket while it healed, and Jay and Daz seemed impressed by my daring. I hope they don’t ask me to become a full-time member of the tough gang, though. These sorts of hi-jinx would get very boring if you did them every day.

  This evening I told Dad about the fight and Chloe’s unexpected reaction, and he said that women always love it when men fight over them, even though they pretend they don’t. Dad’s views about women are often very outdated, but I think he might be on to something this time.

  I phoned Chloe tonight, and she said she’s looking forward to coming round to my house tomorrow. I warned her not to crack any jokes about turning into bats or sleeping in coffins, as these are offensive to my people.

  SUNDAY 22ND MAY

  Chloe came round today. I was worried that the visit might feel awkward, but I forgot about the mesmeric effect that my parents have on humans. Far from sitting in uncomfortable silence, Chloe instantly fell under their spell.

  As they made small talk with Chloe, I could see her glancing from Dad to Mum, entranced by them. She didn’t even mind when my sister barged rudely in for a stare.

  After about an hour of chatting, we moved into the dining room and I was concerned to see that Mum and Dad had set places for all of us at the table. Mum microwaved a meal of chicken and vegetables for Chloe, and spooned it out onto the plate as if it were dog food.

  Chloe thanked her and started eating. However, the atmosphere turned less cosy when Mum served glasses of blood for the rest of us. I think my parents just wanted to join in with Sunday lunch so Chloe wouldn’t have to eat on her own, but it’s easy to forget how disconcerting the sight of blood-drinking can be to a non-vampire. Especially if you let it run all down your chin like my messy sister did!

  Chloe lost her appetite and left the rest of her food. She kept on smiling politely, but you could tell she felt uncomfortable, and she left shortly afterwards. This is what happens with humans. They find the idea of vampires glamorous and romantic, but the reality less pleasant.

  I can only hope that my parents’ rash behaviour hasn’t turned her against me.

  MONDAY 23RD MAY

  This morning I asked Chloe if seeing us drink blood had put her off me. She said that she’d found it a little disturbing, but she understood it was part of our culture. She is so tolerant and understanding!

  I think she’s right. I don’t see any reason why I should be ashamed of my need to drink blood. It might look unpleasant, but so do hundreds of things that humans do all the time like wearing tight swimming trunks or combing their hair all the way across their heads when they go bald.

  At any rate, human women are happy to let babies feed on their breasts, and that looks pretty disgusting to me. Is neckfeeding really so much worse than breastfeeding?

  Of course, some would say that feeding on humans is unethical because it can weaken or kill them, but I don’t think it’s as bad as a lot of the things humans do. I bet if you added together all the injuries and deaths that have ever been caused by vampires, they wouldn’t approach the damage mankind inflicts upon itself in the average war.

  One of the best things about having a girlfriend is that it helps you to accept yourself and find confidence. For the first time in my life, I no longer feel ashamed of being a vampire.

  TUESDAY 24TH MAY

  9AM

  I finally feel close enough to Chloe to share my poetry with her. I have written a new one, which I intend to show her today. I put lots of care into it, and even used a Thesaurus, which lists lots of words that mean the same thing, so you can write longer poems.

  BLOOD SYMPHONY

  As you sleep I watch

    The moonlight on your neck

      And listen to your blood.

        It is a harmony of haemoglobin.

          A symphony of sanguine fluid.

            A prelude of plasma.

              A concerto of claret.

                A guitar solo of gore.

                  Play on, sweet music.

  3PM

  I gave Chloe a copy of the poem today and she said it was very good. She covered up her neck when she read it, though, so perhaps some of the imagery was a little too explicit.

  WEDNESDAY 25TH MAY

  Dad was out tonight so I went to his study to look for books on vampire-human relationships. The only ones I could find were written by vampire supremacists who regarded humans as little more than walking snacks, so they weren’t much use. One of Dad’s bookmarks fell out, and when I picked it up it turned
out to be a letter from his ex-girlfriend, the psychic vampire.

  The letter was giving him all sorts of grief about things he hadn’t done yet, and I could understand why she would have been so difficult to live with. But there was one part of the letter that I found intriguing. She mentioned some trouble that Dad would encounter this year! It wasn’t very specific. I wonder if she was referring to the time in January when he drank the blood with a high level of alcohol in it and got ill.

  I was going to ask Dad about it, but I thought he might be angry with me for going through his stuff, so I decided not to say anything. Plus, if she was such a good psychic she’d have been able to predict that she was going to get beheaded in the great vampire purge of 1878, so I doubt it’s anything to worry about.

  THURSDAY 26TH MAY

  Someone farted in assembly today and everyone seemed to think it was the funniest thing that had ever happened. I didn’t share their opinion. Perhaps it’s because I don’t have a human digestive system and can’t pass wind myself that I don’t find this bodily function especially funny. Or maybe I just have a more sophisticated sense of humour (I once laughed at an Oscar Wilde play).

  Afterwards Chloe noted that we were the only two people in the hall who didn’t laugh, and that includes Mr Jones, who was taking assembly. She said that we are much more mature than everyone else in our school.

  I suppose I ought to be mature given that I’m 100 years old. But I’ll take compliments where I can get them, especially from my darling girlfriend!

  FRIDAY 27TH MAY

  Chloe has invited me round to her house for a meal on Sunday. Although I’m pleased that she’s ready to take our relationship up to this level, I’m not sure how I’m going to get through it. Chloe has told her parents I’m allergic to garlic, but she needs to understand that my situation is more complicated than this. She thinks I can just swallow the food to be polite, but it doesn’t work like that. Anything I try to force down will come right back up again. Which is hardly a good first impression to make.