Riding Lies

by Eshkar Erblich-Brifman

  Out of the corner of her eye, she notices Hagar, shapely and impeccable as always, dressed in flattering riding gear and carrying a huge helmet several sizes too big for her. She smiles and waves hello. “You came,” she yells out to her from afar, “what a champ!”

  Hagar comes over, clutching the clumsy helmet and reminds her with a smile: “I’m just giving it a shot, don’t get too excited.”

  Koby calls out that they’re are leaving and the group starts to form a line.

  He sends Hagar to the back, with Erez to supervise. She wishes her good luck and stays where she is, close to Orly. She gets into ready position and begins to pedal, maintaining a uniform pace, adapting herself to the other members of the group. Orly is in front of her, Hadas is behind.

  She tries to clear her mind of any thought, to just ride, but it’s useless. She imagines Koby and Orly at the B&B and shakes her head to get the image out of her mind. Then she finds herself thinking about Dror. Her body quivers in disgust. She used to be indifferent to him, but now all she feels is repulsion. She recalls the terrible sex they had a few nights ago. It was so technical, so mechanical, unemotional. She just lay there on her back with her legs spread, like a compromised beetle, fantasizing over Koby and praying for the nightmare to end.

  She can’t do this anymore, she decides. She just won’t be able to go through with it. It’s no longer indifference that she’s feeling, it’s not even hatred, it’s just plain and simple repulsion. He disgusts her. She can’t bear being near him any longer, not to speak of having actual sex with him.

  And then, one Friday afternoon when she was riding with the group, the painful realization hits her: She has got to end it.

  ***

  They’re at Edna’s place. She’s aware of their hollow voices reading out the Haggadah but all her thoughts are on the trip. Just two more days. The preschool is closed and she’s on vacation. She can’t wait. Nadav and Neta have been off school for over a week, driving her crazy at home. Ido came home today to celebrate with them. He’ll be home tomorrow too. He’ll be returning to the army the following day. At least he was given these two days, a day and a half, really. She would have died if he hadn’t been let out for the holiday.

  She scrutinizes the guests. They’re all dressed in their finest clothes, her children, too. Nadav even put on his buttoned white shirt. Neta’s dress is too short by her taste but she’s learned that there’s no point in saying anything, it only leads to arguments. Ido is wearing the new shirt she bought him, and it fits him perfectly! Her gaze turns to Dror. She looks at his shirt. She ironed it for him earlier. It’s a nice shirt that he bought for himself a few years ago. She’s also done her best to look good this evening. Usually she neglects her appearance, since she spends all day with children, but yesterday she went to the hairdresser, and today she put on fresh, shiny nail polish. She even applied some makeup. She didn’t see the point of buying something new to wear—in any case no one in the family bothers to look at her—so she found a dress in her closet that she likes. For a change, the children noticed her new hairstyle, they even told her that they liked it, but as usual, Dror seemed totally unaware of any change.

  Edna’s husband Avner is sitting at the head of the table with Edna and their two arrogant children by his side. None of her kids can stand them. To be honest, she also doesn’t really like them, but you get what you get. They are cousins, they have to get along every now and then. Her parents-in-law, David and Tzila, are sitting next to them. She’s not crazy about them either but she’s learned to accept them and all their little quirks. She’s come to terms with the fact that she’ll never receive any help from them, even though she’s motherless, even though she could use the help. No. They’ll do all they can for Edna and Avner, but not for Dror and Anat. Why? Just because. That’s the way it’s always been, and apparently that’s the way it’ll stay.

  She invited her father to spend the holiday with them and Dror’s family, but her he preferred to be with her younger sister, Racheli. She can’t blame him, really. His relationship with Racheli is undoubtedly stronger. Ever since she and Racheli decided to move him to an assisted living facility in Ashkelon, where Racheli lives, their relationship has only grown stronger.

  So she’s almost alone and she knows it. But she’s learned to fend for herself. Actually, not quite for herself. She’s afraid to be alone. and that’s why she’s still with Dror, and he’s been her only support for years. It’s convenience that stops her from leaving, not love. And what about the realization she had only a few days ago? Will she be able to do anything about it? The path between desire and action is long and windy.

  Nadav stands up on the chair to ask the four questions. How proud of him she is! Luckily, he’s the youngest of the children, and as such he is given the honor. If they’d celebrated with Racheli this year, Nadav would have had to forego the pleasure. Both of Racheli’s sons are younger than he is. She quickly takes her phone out of her purse and films him. She must send it to Koby.

  In a nice, clear voice, Nadav sings all the questions correctly and the family joins in for the chorus.

  “On this night, on this night, only matzah, this night, this night, only bitter herbs, on this night, on this night, we dip twice, on this night, on this night we all recline.”

  She smiles, singing along. At last she’s blocked Koby out of her mind.

  The family continues to read and her thoughts drift again. Too bad Koby couldn’t join them. She wonders how Edna would have reacted if she’d invited him. If they were celebrating at home, she would have insisted. She would have also invited Hannah and Anton. Hannah is so nice, just this week she sent her fifteen cardboard tubes from toilet rolls. She kept them just for her. She’s always thinking about her.

  “And what does the wise son say?” Ido reads, making her smile. He always takes the part of the wise son.

  Edna and Avner’s daughter reads the part of the wicked son. It’s perfect for her. She’s a haughty, arrogant girl of Neta’s age. The two have never gotten along. If they could have celebrated with Koby’s children, it would have been a true joy. Nadav and Shaked would have spent every minute together. Neta and Noam would have, too, and she’s sure that Ido and Elad would have got along well. She would have been happy, and Koby too. Maybe next year it’ll be his turn to have the children for the Seder. Maybe she’ll invite them then, in a year…but who knows what’ll happen by then? Will they still be together? Will she still be with Dror? She hopes she’ll have the strength to leave Dror this year. She owes it to herself.

  It’s not about Koby. He’s told her several times that she has to do something for herself. He has nothing to do with it but she loves him so much, she can’t end it. She can dream, can’t she? She can want, she can imagine…

  She realizes that everyone is singing and she stands up. It’s not a song she likes but she joins in anyway. When will they get to the food part?

  ***

  She leaves at six. She has a two-hour drive ahead of her, which is fine by her. Orly is driving down with her. At six-ten she’s outside her place. Orly is waiting for her, her bike in one hand, two bags on the sidewalk—a hold-it-all and a backpack.

  She gets out of the car and gives Orly a big hug.

  “This is so great!” Orly says and jumps up and down like a child.

  She laughs. It really is great. Two women going off together on an adventure, without their husbands or their children.

  She helps her lift the bike up and attach it to the roof carrier, alongside her green bike. She puts the bags in the trunk and asks if she needs her backpack in the front.

  “Sure do!” Orly answers immediately, “I have a thermos of coffee for the road.”

  “You’re the best!” she smiles and they quickly get into the car and hit the road.

  The roads are just about empty. Everyone is still in food-and-family shock. Some will be back
at work today, while others stay home for the rest of the week. Like her, like Orly, like Dror.

  She tries to open a window but the wind makes an awful racket and she quickly closes it again. She’ll breathe fresh air later, when they start the trail.

  Koby has chosen spectacular trails. The entire Besor region is blossoming now, and it’s a golden opportunity to visit the area. They’ll stay on one of the kibbutzim in the region, and bike mainly in the Be’eri area. She’s more excited than she’s been in eons. She so needed to get away, to have a change in atmosphere. What could be better than a challenging ride, and with Koby beside her

  She hasn’t been on vacation in years. Their family vacations in the last few years became an endless nightmare. The children argued constantly, Dror was always angry, and she’d be stuck in the middle. Still, she always took the children’s side, and Dror always had something to say about it. So they decided to give up the pleasure. There’s no point in throwing away so much money if they don’t even enjoy it. They went abroad once for Ido’s bar mitzva, again for Neta’s bat mitzva, and that’s about it. Later there was a vacation in Eilat, if her memory serves her right, and maybe some B&B in the north.

  Waze asks her to turn right. Disciplined, she does as she’s told. She has no idea how to get to the Besor region.

  Orly carefully pours coffee into a cup and they share it.

  “How did your husband react to this trip?” she asks, and Orly says he wasn’t particularly pleased but that she didn’t leave him much choice.

  She laughs. They’re so similar, that’s for sure. Perhaps even too much so. Who knows what else they share. She would rather not know, and she doesn’t want to ask. She’s embarrassed by the question and afraid of the answer.

  Orly stretches her legs out and tells her how hard it was to get two miserable days off. She’s so sick of her job. She’s so sick of everything.

  Anat sighs. Who isn’t?

  “Being a preschool teacher is different,” Orly says, “it sounds like on the one hand it can wear you down, but on the other, you don’t have to deal with a monotonous, soul-destroying routine. Every day is different, no? My job is just so monotonous.”

  Anat snorts, “What do you think, that my day is made up of skipping around, singing and dancing? There’s a lot more to it than that.”

  Orly apologizes quickly, she didn’t mean to be arrogant, or to criticize her in any way, really, , she probably doesn’t know what she’s talking about. So what does her day consist of?

  Of lots of pee and poo, Anat laughs, and runny noses and sometimes lice and bickering between the children, and problematic parents who badger her with thousands of questions, and cleaning and cooking and constant concern for the children’s wellbeing. And yes, her day is also vibrant and filled with love. Basically, that’s what keeps her sane, because at home she hardly has any of that at all.

  “So you see,” Orly smiles triumphantly, “I don’t have it at home or at work! My kids barely give me the time of day, my husband looks right through me, so what do I have left? My depressing job, that’s it. What a miserable choice it was to become an accountant. I don’t know what I was thinking…”

  “I think that cycling provided us both with what we’re lacking. It’s like therapy,” Anat says, “Actually, I think it’s even better, and it’s way cheaper.”

  Orly laughs, “I actually think it’s what will land us all up in therapy…”

  Anat doesn’t quite understand her point, but then again, she doesn’t try too hard. Therapy or no therapy, she feels good with Koby, and that’s what matters right now. She wonders how much Orly knows. Sometimes she looks so sharp, so perceptive, like she sees everything and doesn’t care about any of it. She wishes she could be like that, masked, distant. Orly enjoys herself without asking questions, without insecurity to ruin everything.

  They get there at the last minute to find that most of the other riders are there and waiting. They got a little lost along the way but never mind, they’re totally fine and in an excellent mood.

  Koby hugs them both, grinning and happy, then carries on running from one person to the other like a butterfly fluttering from flower to flower.

  Noga is there too, and Hadas, and Erez of course, and Avi too, he’s such a smartass, she can’t stand him. Hagar’s not coming. She left the group and is taking private lessons, she told her. At least until she feels more confident on the bike.

  “I’ve brought tons of goodies,” she calls out and asks Koby if they’ll be drinking something before heading out, or later.

  Koby says they had coffee while they were waiting for them and they should probably get moving.

  “I brought you two cakes,” she whispers to him, “coconut, and nut, kosher for Passover, of course. For the children. Remind me later, I’ll put them in your car.”

  “You’re amazing,” he blows her a kiss.

  She giggles. Koby loves her cakes, in fact he loves everything she cooks. A couple of days ago, she sent the children a pot of spaghetti Bolognese for dinner, and last week she brought them a pie, and cake of course. The week before, she made five containers of meatballs and rice and told Koby to freeze them. Whenever he’s hungry, or one of the children are hungry, he can pop them in the microwave for five minutes and they’ll have a meal. There’s nothing easier, and it’s healthy and fresh too.

  Dror was furious when he caught her leaving home with the five containers, and again last week, with the spaghetti Bolognese.

  “I don’t get it, why are you cooking for him? What are you, his maid?! Is he incapable of cooking for himself?! And why do I have to pay for it?”

  “I’m only helping him,” she answered angrily, “stop being so narrowminded! You’re so tightfisted! What’s it your business? In any case all you do is complain about my cooking all the time!”

  Noam and Shaked have slowly become permanent fixtures at their house, and Dror is slowly beginning to get used to the two invaders, even if he’s not pleased about it. Sometimes they’ll come for a light lunch, or for dinner, sometimes with Koby, but not always. Dror is usually at work when Koby’s kids are there, but there have been times that he came home to find the apartment buzzing with people. Most times he’ll just pull a face and then close himself up in the bedroom to listen to his beloved jazz music, or sit in front of the computer, or at the piano playing Brahms loudly.

  She can see it bothers him but she doesn’t care. It’s his choice to behave like that, she consoles herself. He could have made more effort to have a better marriage. It’s not her fault.

  Sometimes she’s not home when he gets back from work. Sometimes she takes Nadav to Koby’s, other times they visit Hannah and Anton. They occasionally go out for ice cream, or to visit Koby’s brother and his family. Shaked and Noam would sometimes come with but not always. Once in a while Neta comes along too. It doesn’t appear to bother the children. On the contrary, their afternoons have become lively and interesting.

  “We’re going,” he strokes her back lightly, “do you need help with your bike?”

  “I’m fine,” she smiles at him, wondering when they’ll have a moment of privacy, when she’ll be able to touch him. Ever since she heard about this trip she hasn’t stopped imagining them sharing a room for the night. But she knows it’s not possible. She’s sharing a room with Orly, they agreed beforehand, and Koby has taken a room on his own. As the instructor, he can’t allow himself to be caught in bed with one of the women. Discretion is the name of the game, she knows that already. After all, she is an outstanding student.

  They arrive at the kibbutz guesthouse toward evening.

  She’s sweaty and smelly and dying for a shower. The trail that Koby chose was certainly challenging, but she doesn’t regret a single moment. It’s a shame that Hadas had a flat tire on the way. It held them up for almost an hour. And too bad that Ami didn’t bring enough water with him
and almost passed out while riding. But other than that, it was wonderful. She even managed a drop that Koby warned them about before they left.

  The weather was perfect, and the carpets of flowers that appeared along the wayside evoked sweet memories of her childhood, of school and youth movement trips, and even of the family trips they would occasionally take. Rockrose bushes, mustard, hairy pink flax, and splashes of red poppy filled her heart with joy. Spring is everywhere. Too bad it’s so short. In a month, the green will have turned yellow, until the following winter.

  The next trip he’s planning, Koby said, will be to the Judean Desert. It’ll probably be in May. Nothing’s definite yet, but one thing’s for sure—there won’t be flowers.

  They split up into rooms and arrange to meet in the dining hall at seven. She’s starving. All she’s eaten today are a few health snacks and a slice of cake that she brought with to share with everyone at lunchtime. She’ll have a good dinner, she consoles herself and asks Orly if she’d like to shower first. Orly doesn’t turn down her offer and promises to be quick. After she partially unpacks her hold-it-all, she decides to go out and explore the guesthouse area. Somehow, her feet lead her toward Koby’s room.

  She looks around hesitantly to see if there’s anyone in the vicinity. They’re all showering or who knows where. She hesitates, and then goes to his door and knocks lightly.

  Hadas opens the door. She’s wearing a plain T-shirt and a pair of tiny boxer shorts. Her cheeks are flushed. “Hi,” she says with a smile.

  Flustered, she takes a step back, “Oh…” she says, “is this your room?”

  “No, no,” she laughs, “it’s Koby’s room. I just came over to talk to him about something.”

  Koby peers over her shoulder, smiling as always. All he has on are boxer shorts.

  “Hi,” he says to her, “I haven’t seen you in ages!”