Riding Lies

by Eshkar Erblich-Brifman

  “Yes. He charmed the pants off me too, I was trapped in his net. But for a short while,” she stresses again. As if that’s any better.

  “I can’t believe it,” Anat mumbles.

  “But the difference between us,” she continues, “is that I prefer to believe I was always in control. I played around, had fun, like he did. I think you got a little carried away, Anat, and that’s not good.”

  Anat recoils a little, retreating into her shell.

  She’s already beginning to regret what she said. Maybe she sounded too harsh?

  “When?” Anat asks suddenly, “When were you with him?”

  Shit. What does she say now? She probably won’t be able to reveal only half of the truth. And she owes it to her, certainly after he hurt and dumped her. Who the heck does he think he is? “Just before you, I think,” she says, “and probably at the same time as well.”

  Anat turns pale and grips the sofa.

  “I’m sorry,” she says. “I had no intention of hurting you, Anat…I just think that it’s time you find out who you’re dealing with. He’s not a good person. You should have left him a long time ago.”

  “How did it end between you?” she asks, again reminding her of a little girl. Is she going to hand out advice on the matter?

  “I just broke it off. I told him it’s not for me. That I want to stay with Hanan. And that’s it, it ended quickly. He didn’t fight for me. He didn’t need to.”

  “I always suspected he has others,” Anat whispers, “but I wasn’t really sure. And it didn’t matter much, as long as he was with me too…”

  “Maybe you didn’t really want to know,” she says, “it’s easier that way.”

  Anat nods. Yes. It’s easier that way. She always knew that they’d never get married, she knew that he wouldn’t move in with her, he even told her. He didn’t deceive her for a moment. So why is she so hurt and angry?

  “I think that as soon as you became available, he lost interest,” she says. “He has a thing for married women, or at least women in relationships…”

  “Do you think it’s a pattern?” Anat asks hoarsely.

  Yes, she’s sure of it. They aren’t the only ones. She knows for sure that he has others. Anat shrinks into her shell again. She looks at her and wonders how much more she can bear today without collapsing.

  “Let’s leave something for another time,” she suggests considerately, “I’m bursting with information. Let me make you a cup of tea and try to rest for a while.”

  “No!” Anat answers firmly, “I want to know everything. Now.”

  And in an instant, the bubble bursts and clean air flows in. She sighs. There appears to be no escape, she’s going to have to tell her everything she knows.

  She goes to the kitchen and makes two cups of tea. When she returns to the living room, she carefully places the cups of tea on the table and asks if she’s the type who uses coasters.

  Anat laughs through the tears and says usually, but she can’t be bothered today, and that it’s perfectly fine. She can ruin the new table, now that she feels like her life is ruined anyway.

  “Your life is not ruined!” she responds in an instant, “Your second round is only beginning! You don’t need him to weigh you down! He’d only sabotage any attempt you make to form a healthy relationship! Don’t you understand how dependent you became on him? Don’t you see how he used you? How many times did I see you bringing him food? How many times did you tell me you’re driving his daughter around? You even removed her lice! Can you really not see what he did?”

  “Maybe I didn’t want to,” Anat stutters, “it’s just we were good friends. Good friends help each other.”

  “Yes? And how exactly did he help you?” she asks firmly.

  “He gave me the best sex I’ve ever had,” she says, bursting into embarrassed laughter.

  She laughs along with her. Yes. No doubt he’s unusually good in bed, but that, so it seems, is because he certainly doesn’t lack experience. In any case, it’s not about making love, it’s aggressive sex that comes from a desire to control.

  “I can’t disagree with you on that point,” she says bitterly, “but sex is not everything in life, and it’s certainly not worth ruining your life over.”

  “I already have,” Anat looks down.

  “You didn’t love Dror, and that’s got nothing to do with Koby,” she reminds her.

  “That’s true,” Anat is forced to agree.

  “Do you feel that you got divorced for Koby,” she asks, “or for yourself?”

  “I guess it was a combination,” Anat thinks about it, “but yes, you’re right, my marriage had been disastrous for years. It really has nothing to do with Koby. Maybe I owe him for introducing me to this wonderful group, which has been like a family to me. Maybe I should thank him for supporting me and helping me arrive at this decision, even if he dumped me afterward—”

  “You don’t owe him a thing,” she says venomously, “no thank you no nothing. He’s a serial lover. He does it systematically. He conquers women and then breaks their hearts.”

  “Well then, what else do you know that you aren’t telling me?” Anat urges her, “How many women are we talking about?”

  “I have no idea,” she laughs bitterly, “but in my opinion, he has Noga, and Hadas, and…” she hesitates, “there is Hagar, of course.”

  “Hagar?” Anat’s eyes almost pop out of her head, “You think? Hagar has Amnon…and she’s happy!”

  She purses her lips, biting them lightly. “Yes…I don’t know if she’s happy or not, but she certainly has Amnon.”

  Anat’s eyes are instantaneously flooded with tears. She knew it would hurt her like an arrow through the heart. She knew they were friends. But she begged her to tell her, and maybe it’s best to expose everything now, before another woman gets hurt.

  Her phone buzzes. She glances at it. There’s a new message in the group. She picks up the phone and reads the message from Adi out loud: “What’s happening with Anat? Why are you all so quiet?”

  Moments later a message arrives from Koby. She sighs and reads it too” “Anat is fine, she took a short break from riding.”

  “I don’t believe it…” Anat mutters.

  “Wait,” she says, “I’ll answer him.

  “No, no, what are you doing?!” Anat screams.

  “Let me handle it,” she says confidently and goes into her private chat with Koby.

  “Anat is not on a break from riding,” she writes, “she will continue to ride without you. Believe it or not, Koby, life goes on even when you’re not around, and not only that, life even gets better!”

  She reads it to Anat and presses send.

  “You’re insane!” Anat laughs and cries at the same time. “I feel like I’m back in high school!”

  “Too bad you feel that way,” he shoots back, “I was just trying to open you up to new experiences, to broaden your horizons, yours and hers.”

  She reads it to Anat and answers him: “We don’t need you, Koby. You’re the one who needs us. Women who feed you, take care of you, worship you, who raise your self-confidence. You’re no more than a blood-sucking leech. A parasite who exploits women.”

  Anat makes a funny squeak and says she’d never had the courage to be so blatant.

  “It’s all true,” she says, “and it’s time someone told him what they think of him. Don’t you get it? He’s addicted to having control, he’s the one who made you addicted to him! It was an addiction, Anat, an unrestrained addiction.”

  “It’s like saying that a drug is what makes a person an addict,” Anat argues, “not only he’s to blame, I have a part in it too.”

  “Sure you do,” she can’t help but agree, “but he caught you at a very vulnerable point in your life, and he took advantage of it. He caught me, too, in a moment of we
akness, and probably Noga as well, and Hadas, and Hagar, and who knows who else.”

  Koby doesn’t answer. Perhaps she’s finally managed to silence him once and for all.

  She opens the riding group chat and writes angrily: “Anat did not take a break. She’s still riding, just without Koby. Details in private.” She sends the message without waiting for Anat’s okay.

  Anat yells, “Enough with all those messages!” she pleads and again bursts into tears. “I can’t take all this pressure. I have no idea what I want! Actually, I do know, I want him! I need him, Orly, I can’t be without him!”

  “I’m here,” she tries to calm her, “and I’m going to support you. You are not going back to him. Even if he regrets it and apologizes. He’s poison, Anat. He uses people. You’ve become his servant.”

  “Just like I was with Dror, for years and years…” Anat thinks aloud, “but Koby, unlike Dror, appreciated what I did for him,” she adds to his defense.

  “How so?” she attacks, “How did he express it? I don’t understand, can’t he do his own cleaning and cooking? Can’t he find a babysitter for his children? Did he pay you? What does that mean, he appreciated it? What do you owe him?”

  “It’s not like that,” Anat continues, “I wanted to help. I wanted to be a part of his life…”

  “To be a part of his life doesn’t mean doing his laundry!” she says harshly, “You can go out, sit in cafes, screw, even, but you’re not his slave, Anat! Not his or Dror’s! You’re finally free!”

  “Free, but I feel as if someone’s clipped my wings…” Anat replies bitterly and rubs her red, swollen eyes.

  “That feeling will pass,” she assures her, “and I’m here to take care of you. You can’t go back to him, Anat. It’s exactly like recovering from drug or alcohol abuse. You may have a difficult time, and the temptation will be great, but I’m here until you feel you no longer need him. I’ll be here until you recover.”

  ***

  The next day after work, she returns to Anat’s apartment and finds her in exactly the same position on the sofa.

  “Didn’t you go to work today?” she asks and Anat says she took a day off. They called in some replacement teacher. She doesn’t care.

  “You’re going tomorrow,” she finds herself saying reproachfully. Should she be treating her like a child? That may be what she needs, a mother to look after her. She could do with one herself. If there’s anything she knows, it’s that. “You have to get back on track,” she says and goes to the window to let some fresh air in. The air inside is heavy and thick. Then she goes to the fridge and makes Anat something light to eat.

  “You’re a sweetheart,” Anat says with a smile and bites into the sandwich.

  At that moment, Anat receives a message. She jumps up to check. Maybe it’s him.

  “Are you okay?” Hagar asks, “Ilai was so disappointed that you didn’t come in today. Are you sick? Do you need anything?”

  “That’s sweet,” Anat says, wondering what to answer, “Do you think we should talk to her?” she looks up from the screen and asks hesitantly. “She doesn’t know a thing, does she?”

  She shrugs, “I guess that’s up to you. I have no obligation to her, but you’re pretty good friends, aren’t you?”

  Anat sighs, “Yes. But I’m not sure I can talk about it again. I feel like I’ve just been hit by a train.”

  “I know,” she says empathetically, “or had a biking accident, in this case,” she adds with a bitter-sweet smile, “but you’ll get through this.”

  “I have no idea where to start,” she sighs. “What’ll I tell her? That she’s sleeping with a man who’s slept with us both? That she’s risking her marriage for something that’s not worth it?”

  “Yes,” she replies, “I suppose that’s exactly what we’ll tell her. If we decide to discuss it with her, of course.”

  “I really don’t know,” Anat rubs her face tiredly, “I’m fed up with thinking about it all the time, I’m fed up with talking about it ad nauseum, I’m fed up with wallowing in this swamp, but I can’t focus on anything else.”

  “That’s why you have to go back to work,” she says logically, “to your routine and your life. And to riding.”

  “Yeh, sure…” Anat says incredulously.

  “You know what?” she suggests suddenly, “Let’s go riding together. Now. What do you say?”

  “Now?” Anat says, surprised, “Are you mad? I’m still in pajamas!”

  “You’ve been wearing the same pajamas for two days!” she says firmly, “Now you have a reason to take them off! Come on, get dressed, you can shower when we return. I’m popping over to my place to fetch my bike. I’ll pick you up in twenty. Be ready.”

  “What, no, hold on,” Anat tries to protest, “it’s almost dark…I don’t have the energy…”

  “We’ll go for a quick ride in the city,” she implores, trying to get her off the sofa, “it’ll do you good.”

  Anat gives in and reluctantly stands up. “You’re nuts…” she mutters.

  “Twenty minutes!” she shakes her finger threateningly, picks up her purse and heads home.

  To her surprise, Anat is waiting for her outside holding her bike, dressed in riding pants, a coat and gloves. She has her helmet on.

  “Good girl!” she praises her and lifts her own bike down from the carrier. Just before they leave, she takes a selfie of them by their bikes, so she’ll have something to post to the riding group later as proof.

  They ride through narrow stone alleys, go bumping down stairs. A cool, refreshing breeze is blowing in their faces, sweeping away any disturbing thoughts.

  Koby, Hagar, Anat, Noga, and Hadas. Who else is caught up in this web?

  When they finish their ride, Anat gets off her bike, puts her arms around her and gives her a warm hug. “Thank you,” she whispers in her ear. Her voice is tremoring. “Thank you.”

  That night, lying in bed by Hanan’s side and trying to read her book, she receives a message from Anat: “Hagar won’t relent. She saw the picture you posted. She could tell that I’m not sick. Everyone’s realized that something’s up.”

  “I know,” she writes immediately, “I guess they all know. A lot of whispering is going on behind the scenes.”

  “She’s a good friend,” Anat writes, “I feel I have to tell her. Are you with me?”

  She hesitates for a moment, then writes, “Always!”

  “Who wants to join me and Anat for a ride on Friday afternoon at three-thirty?” she writes to the group, “We’re meeting in the Ben Shemen Forest.”

  Within minutes messages start flowing in.

  “That’s the time the group always meets,” Erez writes and sends a puzzled emoji.

  Let him make a little effort and understand for himself.

  “Are you writing in Koby’s name?” Avi asks.

  “I’m writing in my name, and in Anat’s,” she replies.

  Anat, who has already left the group, knows nothing about her initiative. In any case, we’re planning to ride together on Friday, so what difference does it make if she invites a few more people?

  “Have you opened a separate group?” Avi asks.

  “Yes,” she answers, “I called it BFRs–Bold FEMALE Riders. A good name for my BFFs, don’t you think?”

  Moments later she receives a private message from him: “That’s not okay, what you’re doing. It doesn’t suit you, Orly. You’re a bigger person than that. Please don’t damage my livelihood.”

  “Please don’t screw the entire group,” she answers without hesitation.

  She has no idea what’s come over her. She’s never felt strong enough to stand her ground. Perhaps he’s the one who taught her to behave this way. Maybe he’s scored his own goal. Who would have believed that the tables would be turned one day, and she’d finally have the u
pper hand?

  “It’s not your job to tell me how to live, just as it’s not mine to tell you how to,” he writes to her.

  She snorts and answers right back, “If I remember correctly, you kept on at me for months, trying to explain to me how I should live!”

  At the same time, she receives another message, from Hagar.

  She’s surprised. She’s never received a private message from her. She leaves her chat with Koby for a minute, opens Hagar’s message and reads: “Hi, Orly, do you know what’s happening with Anat? I’m worried. She’s acting weird. I know she’s going through something, but she won’t tell me anything.”

  She sighs. Anat said that she feels a need to tell Hagar. She knows they’re good friends. She also knows that Anat can’t do it on her own. She’ll need her by her side. And she did agree.

  “Come riding on Friday,” she writes, “it looks like it’ll be just the three of us. We’ll talk.”

  Hagar sends a thumbs up and she goes back into her chat with Koby to see what’s new. No response. Good. She closes turns off her phone and tries again to concentrate on work.

  ***

  Uri comes home on Friday in the early afternoon. She goes to pick him up from the bus stop and although she stops in a bad spot, she has to hug him, even for a moment, before driving off, even though he’s exhausted and smelly.

  He laughs, “Mom, get moving, someone’s honking at you!”

  “Ye, ye,” she says and drives off, “how was your week?” she asks, fully aware that he’s too tired to say anything. And then she blurts out a quick apology. She knows he’s just got home, but she has an important ride today. She’ll try not to be back late. She’ll do his laundry tomorrow, he mustn’t worry. And anyway, she fried a batch of schnitzels for him this morning, just as he likes, and she also cooked white rice.

  “Thanks, Mom,” he says with a tired smile, “I’m starving.”

  “Dad’s home,” she says and stops outside their apartment, “and so is Ben. Will you manage with your bag?”

  He laughs again, “Just like I’ve managed until now.”

  She blows him a kiss and promises to return soon.