Riding Lies

by Eshkar Erblich-Brifman

  “In any case I’m going to eat and then sleep. I’m going out tonight.”

  “Who with?” she asks, and he replies, “Roy and Aviv.”

  “Good, we’ll see each other before,” she says and he notes that she’ll be going to bed before he goes out. She laughs.

  He gets out of the car and opens the back door to take out his huge kitbag and the gun he put there despite the safety instructions he was given. “Bye Mom, have fun!” he says and closes the car doors.

  She drives away with mixed feelings. Fun it’s not going to be.

  ***

  In the end they meet in Park Jerusalem, where they decided to ride. Koby and the group are riding in the Ben Shemen Forest, and despite the temptation to do the same route, they decide to avoid contact this time and find themselves somewhere else to ride.

  Before they set out, she takes pictures of the three of them and posts it to the riding group. “Enjoy the ride!” she writes and sends the pictures. Hagar’s phone buzzes. She’s received a message.

  “It’s me!” she tells Hagar, “I uploaded pictures. Let’s get moving.”

  “When are we going to talk?” Hagar asks impatiently while putting on her helmet.

  “After we ride,” Anat says. Her eyes are blank, her face pale, “let’s move our bodies a little first, it’ll do us good…”

  Hagar agrees and they set out. The path is paved and the trail is easy. They’ve done far more difficult trails before, but that’s okay. An easy and calm ride will help them to relax and let go, without having to be constantly alert.

  She leads, allowing Anat and Hagar to ride side by side. The path is wide enough for two riders, no more. She would have liked to ride alongside Anat, but she has no interest in Hagar. She’s really not crazy about her. She’s only being respectful because of her relationship with Anat. There’s something patronizing about her that she can’t bear. Every chance she has, she mentions her perfect children, her amazing husband, her well-paying job, their villa. Everything is so perfect, but she’s fucking Koby. She chuckles to herself, knowing the two other women can’t see. She’s in front, the leader of the pack. What role has she chosen for herself? For the first time in her life, she’s a leader. Could it be revenge that’s motivating her? Maybe she’s replacing one addiction with another. She’s enjoying pestering Koby, stinging him, watching him suffer. The desire to teach him a lesson is burning like a fire inside her.

  She feels a wave of pride wash over her and remembers that she’s the one who chose to escape his trap, and then she’s helping Anat to escape too. Today she’s going to be shocking and shaking Hagar’s life. Could she be taking things too far? Is she everyone’s guardian angel? She exhales and inhales, filling her lungs with pure air. Maybe this way she’ll be able to think a little more clearly.

  It’s too late to change her mind, and Hagar is expecting something. If she only knew what’s coming. She’s going to be angry with them, she may not even believe them. And then she’ll cry. She can’t be bothered with it. She doesn’t feel like watching her perfect makeup smear, watch her suddenly becomes human. She knows it’ll happen. There’s no escape. She’s going to hold a mirror up to her face and with the swipe of a sword, destroy her world.

  She fetches a cake and flask of coffee from the car and they sit down on the grass. She knew that Anat wouldn’t have found the energy to bake or even to think of bringing cake. She looks at her. She’s clearly still not okay. There’s something heavier, different, about her movements. Maybe she should talk to her again. Maybe she should be taking something. These days, any family doctor can prescribe mood or anxiety medication. Would she be better off coping on her own? She has no idea. If she finds the nerve one day, she’ll ask her. She’s so alone now, with the world weighing on her shoulders. That’s the price of independence. And she’s trying to help her, but she’s a drop in the ocean. At the end of the day, Anat gets into bed on her own and wakes up on her own. It’s difficult, but possible. She just needs time to adjust. It’s a shame that bastard left her the moment she finally gained her independence. Heartless beast.

  She shakes herself back to the here and now and points out that the cake is wonderful, it’s a great bakery. She always buys there.

  Anat smiles weakly. She can see that she’s tense. Maybe she should help her and bring up the subject herself.

  “Is someone prepared to tell me what’s going on?” Hagar asks, shaking the crumbs off her hands. “It’s obviously got something to do with the group…” she adds after a moment’s thought. “Did you argue with Koby?” she shoots a question in the air, “Did Anat argue with Koby? Did you argue with someone else in the group? What’s the big mystery?”

  Anat pales. She looks weak and doesn’t seem able to speak.

  She clears her throat, there’s no choice, she’ll do it herself. “We both had an affair with Koby,” she shoots into the air. The echo of her words hangs over them for what feels like eternity. Hagar frowns and continues to stare at her.

  She continues. “I had a quick fling with him, but Anat was badly burned.” She stops and studies Anat’s face. She’s nodding, her eye misting up.

  “We know that you’re also with him, Hagar,” she says and for a moment, looks at her boldly. “We just thought that you’d want to know that he’s only playing with you. Just like he played with Anat and tried to play with me, just like he’s doing with other women. There are more than the three of us.”

  Hagar face turns even paler than Anat’s. She yanks two wisps of grass out and crushes them in her fists. “How do you know that I’m with him?” she asks all of a sudden.

  “Come on,” she answers, “it’s obvious, and you’re not the only one. That’s basically what we wanted to tell you. Who knows how many other women he’s sleeping with at the same time…I’m pretty sure he’s screwing Noga and Hadas too. And there’s that woman who rode with us and almost fainted. I’m pretty sure there’s something between them.”

  “Hold on,” Hagar stops, “when were you with him? Who says it’s at the same time? Give me dates!” she demands.

  She sighs. This is going to be a long conversation.

  They sit on the grass talking until they’re enveloped in total darkness.

  “It’s your decision now, what to do,” she blurts out into the darkness. “We just wanted you to be aware of where you stand. Don’t be fooled, Hagar, it’s not love.”

  Hagar’s silence burns her ears. She’s stunned, that’s obvious. Anat adds something here and there, but Hagar still hasn’t said a word. She appears to be digesting things.

  “He took advantage of me,” Anat says suddenly, her voice hoarse, “and probably of you, too. I know how much it hurts. I was in the same situation until very recently. I also didn’t know, or at least I didn’t want to know. I cooked for him, cleaned his apartment, drove his kids around. I was willing to do anything for him. I became addicted to him, plain and simple.”

  Hagar still doesn’t utter a sound but her lips are quivering.

  “Shaked wrote to me yesterday,” Anat says suddenly.

  “Shaked? His daughter?” she’s not sure she understands.

  “She misses me terribly,” Anat explains, “she misses Nadav. She wants to see us.”

  “What’ll you do?” she asks her with concern, “You can’t be sucked back in again.”

  “I know,” she answers, “but she’s only a child. She shouldn’t have to suffer because of her father’s mistakes.”

  “She has her father to take care of her!” she says angrily, foreseeing how Anat is going to slip through her fingers again.

  “Yes, but he doesn’t!” Anat jumps to Shaked’s defense, “and Nadav misses her too. I’m not sure what to do.”

  “For now, don’t do a thing,” she advises her, again feeling like the alpha of Koby’s pack of victims.

  “I have nothing
left to lose,” Anat turns to Hagar, “my relationship with Dror had been a nightmare for a long time. I knew where were headed. But you love Amnon, I know you do.”

  Hagar gives her a sharp, alienated glare.

  “I’m not telling you what to do,” Anat’s quick to clarify, “I just think that you’re risking something good for someone who’s not worth it. You’re risking your family for someone who makes false promises. I still can’t believe these words are coming out of my mouth. But I know that what I’m saying is true. I know it’s the right thing to do.”

  And then Hagar finally opens her mouth and says, “He told me I was the only one.”

  “Did he also tell you repeatedly that you only live once?” she asks.

  “And that happiness lies in the ability to be free…” Anat adds weakly.

  “Our commitment is first and foremost to ourselves,” she quotes, “not following our passions is like betraying ourselves,” she continues.

  Hagar is too agitated to add quotes of her own, and Anat, it seems, is too hurt to contribute more than one. Only she is left to fan the flames. And she does it perfectly, vengeful woman that she is. Where did all that venom spew from? Until a few days ago, she didn’t even know how angry she was at him, how hurt.

  “We can publish a Koby thesaurus,” she suggests, the voice emitting from her throat bitter and pained, but she doesn’t stop and adds sarcastically, “Koby—Idioms and Expressions.”

  Anat can’t help but laugh as she wipes away her tears. “Oh…” she says, “what that man did to me…”

  “To us all…” she states curtly, “you’re not alone.”

  ***

  The next day, she calls Noga. She may talk to Hadas too, she hasn’t decided yet. She’s wants revenge. She’s not sure what’s more important to her: to inform and help the women around her, or to hurt Koby.

  Noga invites her over for coffee. She lives nearby, and is eager to meet. She refuses politely, preferring to get it over and done with on the phone. She’s not looking for new friends. She doesn’t have time for socializing, she just wants to tell her. She just wants to warn her, to shock her. For her own good, at the end of the day, although a part of her is enjoying the hurting part. She’s hurting her and she’s hurting him. And there is some comfort in that. She’d never admit it aloud. After all, she’s only trying to help.

  Noga responds with relative calm. She swallows, pausing for a moment before responding, but she seems to be in complete control. She tells her about Tal and Aya, who rode with Koby close on two years ago. She knew he had an affair with both of them at the same time, but this time, he promised her, he’s all hers.

  About an hour later, Noga leaves the riding group. Hagar left the day before.

  Only she’s still there, uploading photos, provoking him, and mainly, keeping a close eye on new developments. She’ll also have to leave, she knows, but just a little more, just a few more days.

  She must find herself another hobby instead of replacing one addiction for another.

  ***

  On Sunday afternoon, she tries to help Ben learn for his psychometric exam. Hanan was in total shock at the exorbitant price of the preparatory course. She was also a little surprised, but what can you do? Everyone pays, so they, too, will pay. They would never sabotage their sons’ education.

  They’re sitting together behind his messy desk and trying to concentrate. She reads the material. What does she know about quantitative thinking? Ben asks her to test him and she has no idea where to start, but she’s so flattered he asked that she doesn’t dare refuse. Ben rarely asks her to help him with his studies. He manages fine on his own, or studies with friends, and if necessary, they pay for a private tutor.

  While she’s checking the algebra problem that he’s having trouble with, she receives a message. It’s Anat, asking if she feels like coming over.

  “Sure,” she replies, “but it’ll take some time. I’m helping Ben study for his psychometric.”

  When Ben declares that he’s had enough, she leaps up like a student waiting anxiously for the bell to ring.

  She asks if he feels like something to eat before she goes out and then regrets it. “You know what? Dad will be home in a few minutes. Ask him to prepare dinner today.”

  Ben’s jaw drops. “I’m better off cooking for myself!”

  “That’s not a bad idea,” she smiles and skips lightly toward her purse. She’ll go over to Anat’s. She has nothing to be concerned about, the men will be just fine. In any case it’s time for them to learn to manage on their own. You never know, she may die tomorrow.

  ***

  “She’s in a terrible state,” Anat tells her over a cup of tea, “worse than me.”

  “You’re feeling better now, aren’t you?” she tilts her head with a half-smile.

  “I’m getting there…” Anat snorts, “At night I cry like a baby.”

  She sips her tea. What a lousy situation.

  “She called him last night,” Anat tells her, “she told me they had an awful conversation. He told her that he did to her exactly what she did to Amnon, so they’re even.”

  “I wouldn’t put it quite like that,” she says, “but there is something to it…”

  “We all cheated,” Anat says sourly, “you and me too.”

  She agrees. You can’t deny the facts. She’ll have to live with it forever, as if she didn’t have enough on her mind, she now has the added title of adulterer. Yes. She betrayed her husband. Maybe her intense anger at Koby stems from her sense of helplessness. She can’t change the past. She’ll remain an adulterer forever, even if she ended it, even if she decided it’s not for her.

  “She was so stressed out,” Anat continues, “that she ran off to do a million tests today. She’s hysterical, she thinks she may have caught something from him, from one of his girls…”

  She chuckles. That’s what’s bothering her now? Instead of focusing on her soul, she’s focusing on her body. Well, that’s one way of dealing with things, she assumes.

  “Does Amnon know?” she asks.

  Anat shrugs. “I have no idea. I guess so. How long can these things be hidden? Dror knew. Doesn’t Hanan?”

  “I don’t think so,” she says quickly, “it was short. I don’t think Hanan knows anything.”

  “Will you tell him?” Anat wants to know.

  “Not on your life!” she responds in a flash, “Whatever for? Just to hurt him? I don’t want to get divorced, so what’s the point?”

  Anat sips her tea slowly. “Aren’t you afraid he’ll find out on his own? With all the racket you’re making…”

  “Yes,” she says, “I certainly have to be more careful. Maybe it’s time to drop it. Maybe I shouldn’t be risking my marriage for the sake of other women. In the end, you’re the only one who got divorced. You’re the only one who can talk about it freely without jeopardizing anything.”

  “I’d rather not,” Anat backs down, “even telling Hagar almost killed me. Perhaps one day. Maybe never.”

  “I have to tell you what Adi wrote in the group,” she changes the subject and shifts to sit cross-legged on the sofa.

  “Why are you still in the group, Orly?” Anat says beratingly.

  She promises to leave soon. Yes, she knows she should. But on the other hand, curiosity is killing her. Only yesterday Adi wrote that to show her support for all the women who left the group recently, and following the stories she heard, she and Barak have decided to leave the group.

  “You don’t say…” Anat appears surprised, “so who’s left?”

  She shrugs, “Not many…mostly men…but Koby is ignoring it and continuing as if everything is normal. Yesterday he announced a trip he’s planning soon. I wonder who’ll go.”

  “I really don’t understand why you’re still there,” Anat narrows her eyes, “why are you sti
ll picking at the scab? Obsessing? It only makes it worse for us all!”

  She shrugs, a little surprised at the criticism directed at her. “For the gossip,” she says, “It’s not good, I know. I’ll leave soon. I’m just enjoying taunting Koby, playing with him like he played with me, seeing who stays and who leaves.”

  “I’d say the group is finished,” Anat rests her head on the armrest of the sofa and closes her eyes for a second.

  “He’ll find new customers,” she says dismissively, “don’t pity him too much.”

  “I don’t,” Anat responds instantly, “but I miss him so much, it hurts.”

  She doesn’t answer. She’s trying to respect Anat’s pain as much as she can. She knows how hard it is for her.

  “How are the children adjusting to the new apartment?” she tries again to change the subject. Maybe it really is time to let go of Koby. They’ve been engrossed in the whole story for too long.

  “It’s still difficult for Neta,” Anat tells her, and adds that Nadav is already feeling comfortable, and Ido’s trying, she can see. Even Dror seems more accepting. They discussed all kinds of things this week, things that need to be dealt with, and he sounded less angry than ever.

  She smiles, “So now you just have to take care of yourself.”

  “Oh, don’t start with that mantra!” Anat shouts, “You’re reminding me of someone!”

  She roars with laughter, “But I really mean it. I’m not being manipulative.”

  “Yes,” Anat exhales and lowers her eyes despondently.

  A few minutes later, they hear a tentative knock at the door and Anat goes to open. Hagar is standing in the doorway, shaking. Her face is pale and her eyes are swollen.

  “You look terrible…” Anat says, alarmed, “Come sit down.”

  She leads her to the sofa and helps her to sit down. “Did you drive here?” she asks and Hagar nods. “Wait, I’ll make you tea,” Anat says and goes to the kitchen.

  “What are you offering her tea for?” she jokes, “She needs a bottle of vodka!”

  Hagar smiles weakly and the tears start pouring down her face. “I’m sorry I came,” she wails, “I don’t want to be a bother…I didn’t know that you’re here…” she says to her.