Riding Lies
Page 34
“Don’t you worry about it, it’s perfectly fine,” she says, “and if you want time alone with Anat, I can go home. It’s okay.”
“No, no,” Hagar stops her, “stay. We’re in the same boat, right? On the same sinking ship. That’s supposed to be of some comfort, no?”
“I don’t know,” she answers honestly, “either a problem shared is a problem halved, or it’s doubled. I never can remember.”
Hagar is smiling now through her tears, and Anat hands her a cup of steaming tea.
“Did you do all the tests?” Anat asks and sits down beside her.
Hagar nods. “I don’t have the results yet. Maybe you two should also be checked,” she advises them.
“He assured me he was tested and that he’s clean,” Anat says.
“He also said you’re the only one he’s sleeping with,” she says venomously, “I wouldn’t describe him as being trustworthy, you know.,”
Anat’s face darkens even more.
She sighs deeply, allowing the thick silence to settle. They drink their tea.
“Are you telling me that Amnon doesn’t know anything?” she suddenly asks Hagar. She knows that she’s hurting her, but she has to know.
Hagar is surprised. “Amnon knows,” her voice tremors, “Amnon is fighting for me. He’s been putting up a fight for a long time.”
“You’re lucky to have a husband like him,” Anat gently strokes her back.
Hagar nods. “Yes, I really am lucky. I just don’t understand how I allowed myself to get into this situation; how I believed him and let myself fall in love with him…”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Anat says, still stroking her back, “you’re only human.”
“As are we all,” she reminds the two women beside her, “talented, wise women, and nevertheless, we all fell into that trap of temptation.”
“It was an addiction,” Anat says, “to the excitement, the unfamiliar intensities, the sense of freefalling, the passion for freedom, the flame inside that he fanned in all of us, that feeling of vitality.”
Hagar takes a sip of tea and mumbles, “I think he clarified my feelings, and that is something that I’ve never experienced before. Something pure, primal, almost animal-like, very precise and concentrated.”
She holds the edge of her teacup firmly and thinks that perhaps her old habit of examining herself in the mirror every day has finally been of use. She’s the only one who dared to look properly and see the person in front of her, with all that that implies. She takes a deep breath, knowing that it’s time to let go, to relent, to relax.
She puts her cup on the table she assembled with her own two hands and says, “It was an illusion,” and then in a softer, more accepting voice she adds thoughtfully, “and none of us noticed that illusion, which is everything and at the same time, nothing at all.”
Special thanks for your support
Adi Carmeli
Adi Lavenko
Anat Bardugo
Anat Ben-artzi
Andrea Yardeni
Arik Ben-Moshe
Aviv Ronen
Avraham N kluger
Ayala Assaf
Chuck Gold
Cami Goor
Dafer & Wissam Saman
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