Family Dynamics: Pam of Babylon Book #5

by Suzanne Jenkins

  Married for almost thirty years, she and Jack built a life together, had two children, entertained friends and family, and were part of the community. Those were tangibles that nothing could diminish—not his affairs or his betrayals. She enjoyed waiting for him, having her space all week as she prepared for his return home on the weekends, and no amount of badgering by her mother or sisters that she wasted her time would sway her. What did they expect of her? To deny all those years? It was unthinkable. She might as well do away with herself. Choosing to think she’d had a productive life was healing. What Jack did had no bearing on her.

  The only issue left was why she had allowed her children to be exposed to their father’s nighttime shenanigans. Why? Not able to understand it, she was contemplating therapy. The worst time for self-examination seemed to be in the middle of the night. She’d wake up in a sweat with visions of a five-year-old Brent witnessing his father coming out of his Aunt Marie’s bedroom after midnight, or her ten-year-old Lisa seeing Jack and Marie embracing, standing on a sandbar far out in the surf.

  Shaking her head to rid it of the visuals, Pam got down to business to perform her morning ritual. It never varied. Before she left her bedroom: shower, hair, makeup. It was how she maintained a positive self-image. While she was blow-drying her hair, she thought she heard a ring and shut it off. She was correct; the phone was ringing. She ran to the nightstand and saw the words “Law Office” on the caller ID. Dan!

  “Hi!” she said, happy to hear from him first thing.

  “Good morning!” he replied. “I’m hoping you’ll meet me for coffee in a while. I want to go over the Thomasini thing.” Crestfallen, she didn’t expect a business call from him but made herself snap out of it so he wouldn’t detect that she was disappointed. Any reason to see him was reason enough.

  “OK, I can do that. Your office?”

  “Well, no. I was also hoping you hadn’t had your breakfast yet,” he said.

  “No! I haven’t. Not even coffee,” she said, smiling at the phone.

  “Well, great! Can you meet me at the same place?” he asked, referring to a café just outside of Babylon. It was private, but Family Dynamics she didn’t think that was why he chose it. Neither of them had any reason to hide. She agreed to meet him in half an hour, just long enough to finish her hair and get dressed.

  She caught herself whistling as she drove over the causeway. Checking her reflection in the rearview mirror, she started laughing. She wasn’t usually one to whistle. Pulling into the parking lot, she saw him leaning against his car waiting, and his physicality astounded her. Although she tried to never think of Jack if possible, she was afraid that Dan Chua may have surpassed him in appeal. How could it be? Later, she would remember all the times she had to take it for granted that Jack felt a certain away about her because he never came out and said it. Dan Chua was all about honesty and communication. It must be his generation, she thought, that made him so beyond game playing. And that might be what his appeal was—the way he made her feel, not just his good looks. She felt more secure than she’d ever felt before.

  Dan waved and started to walk over to her car. One last glance in the mirror told her she looked OK. As she swung her legs out, he reached for her hand and pulled her to his body. In broad daylight, and with heavy traffic and in full view of the diners sitting at the windows of the café, he began to kiss her, tongue and all. She about fainted.

  “Hi,” he said after he moved away. “Boy, have I missed you.” Pam fought the urge to say something sarcastic; they’d been together for dinner almost every night that week.

  “You did, did you?” she asked. “Well, I’m glad!” I think. Am I ready for a real romance? “It’s good seeing you.” He smiled down at her and took her hand. As they walked into the restaurant, two attractive middle-aged women passed them as they walked out, first looking at Dan and smiling and then noticing Pam and smiling even broader smiles. She couldn’t help herself, smiling back and laughing. Oh yes, he would attract a lot of attention everywhere he went, just like you-know-who.

  The meeting about the Thomasinis was brief; Dan didn’t feel like she needed to respond to them at all and had her review a letter he was sending their lawyer suggesting that unless they had DNA proof or other provenance of a relationship between Jack and Cindy, they’d better stop harassing Pam. It sounded fine to her, although the mention of Jack and DNA in the same sentence deflated her earlier thrill. Jack would always be there to fuck things up.

  Chapter 21

  Sandra loved Fridays. Often swamped at work, the frenzy was tempered with the knowledge that the weekend stretched out before her. Taking care of baby Miranda while Nelda rushed off to attend to Bernice a few days earlier was special for Sandra. Miranda practically flew into her arms when she saw Sandra, laughing and cooing. Now, as she went from one task to the next, she thought of the baby and wondered if she should offer to care for her again. It satisfied a need within her, and amazingly she didn’t feel sad at all about her own childless predicament.

  After work, she planned on shopping for dinner before Tom got home and preparing something special for him. It was another need she’d developed: wanting to have some kind of reward for him at the end of the day. It was a foreign concept, but she thought of how Pam had based her life on a similar notion, so Sandra figured it must be something inherent in women. Although she really didn’t care for cooking, she discovered he was so appreciative of having dinner ready that she didn’t mind doing it—in fact looked forward to it, but only on Friday. She would set the table in front of the window overlooking the bridge and the Lower Manhattan skyline. Her mother’s china, candles, and wine, and she was ready. She’d take a shower and when he got home, be in Spandex and a T-shirt, and her hair would be wet. He loved it!

  “Oh, boy, coming home to my beautiful woman, all fresh from the shower, with a meal ready. It doesn’t get better than this,” he’d say, unbuckling his holster and locking his gun away. He had a routine after work, and she didn’t disturb him until he went through it. After his gun was safe, he’d spend at least a minute sorting the mail. Junk went right to recycling. Then he’d go to the bathroom, and she’d hear water running and tooth brushing. He’d put his shorts on and walk out holding his sneakers. He’d lean against the counter while tying his shoes. He said the same thing every time: “You be OK while I sneak out for a quick one?” She knew he meant a run but always teased him.

  “A quick smoke? A quick quickie?” but she kissed him, smelling his toothpaste and wanting more from him, letting desire slip by. “Dinner’ll be ready,” she’d answer. It was a comfort that some of the edge of the new relationship was wearing off. She was able to find her niche in his apartment; she could retreat to the bedroom if the continuous togetherness was starting to wear thin. He’d readily accepted that she was going to try to be in baby Miranda’s life, too.

  She stayed until Tom could pick her up after midnight that night she’d gone to Steve’s house. She held Miranda, playing with her until her bedtime. Later, Steve broke down, confessing he missed Marie and didn’t know how he was going to raise Miranda alone. He talked about Carolyn and what a comfort she’d been, but that she wasn’t ready to take over raising another child, and God knew Nelda was not getting any younger. Sandra felt so sad for Miranda.

  Now, with Tom off running, dinner smelling wonderful and almost ready to be dished up, she was almost frightened of the peace she was experiencing. What would Pam say? You’ve paid your dues. Sandra could hear her sweet voice and suddenly needed to talk to her. She picked up the phone and dialed.

  “I was just thinking about you!” Pam exclaimed, with the sad thought that she and Marie did and said the same thing all the time. The relationship she had with Sandra was entering a new phase ever since their adventure discovering Jack’s S&M den of sin. Pam pushed that visual out of her mind. “What are you doing this weekend?”

  “Not a damn thing,” Sandra replied. “What about you?”

  Pam
was chuckling. “I’m not sure I should even tell you,” she whispered into the phone.

  “Well, now you have to!” Sandra said. “What?”

  “I met a new man,” Pam shared. “My new attorney, the guy who is advising me about the Thomasini problem.” Pam went on to tell her about their meetings and the workout sessions, how attentive he was. “He called a little while ago, and we are going out to dinner later and to dance. But of course, we can’t go to the same place I went with Dave. He has another cabaret in mind.”

  “What’s he like? I mean, he sounds attentive, but tell me more!” Sandra said.

  “Oh, boy, where do I begin? Well, for one thing, Dan’s ten years younger than I am. He’s a Montauk Indian, both sets of his grandparents are still alive, and his family farms on the island.” Pam was intrigued with his ethnic heritage for some reason. Her family fought hard to bury their origins. “He seems really interested in me and compassionate about what he knows about me so far. When Bernice had her adventure, he encouraged me to be with her. Dave wouldn’t have understood the necessity of it.”

  “That’s just great, Pam! You deserve a nice guy like Dan,” Sandra replied. They shared more about their week, and then Sandra could hear Tom’s key in the door. “Let’s make a date soon, OK? I really miss you!”

  “I miss you, too,” Pam said. They said goodbye with promises to get in touch the following week. Tom was a little out of breath and glistening with sweat from his run. “Do I have time to hop in the shower?” he asked. Sandra confirmed that he did and went about putting the finishing touches on their dinner. The only thing left to do that evening was contact Nelda or Steve and ask if she could help with child care Saturday when Tom went to his mother’s house. Seeing the baby again would make the weekend complete.

  A few more minutes in front of the mirror confirmed to Pam that it was as good as it gets. She’d tried eating more lately, and the result was a slightly fuller face and rounder body. Those chocolate croissants paid off, she thought. The doorbell rang, and she ran to get it, happy and carefree as a young girl. She’d looked forward to seeing Dan all day. Swinging the door open with a big smile for him, she almost fell backward. It was Dave, loaded down with bags from Organic Bonanza deli, where he worked.

  “Whoa! Boy, do you look great!” Dave exclaimed, unable to suppress his surprise at Pam’s vigorous, healthy appearance.

  “What?” she said, trying to find more words, not wanting to be rude, but Dan was coming! “I didn’t expect you!” He took her in from head to toe. It was obvious she was dressed to go out.

  “Yes, I can see that. I guess I should’ve called first,” Dave said. But it was clear he wasn’t budging. Dan was due any second, and Pam wasn’t prepared for an introduction.

  “Well, I’m going out, so you can’t stay,” she said, stumbling again. You have to leave was on the tip of her tongue, but she didn’t say it. She avoided pushing him back to his car, resisted jumping up and down and telling him to go away. And then a real nightmare—she could hear Dan’s Porsche rounding the corner, and she watched it pull into her driveway behind Dave’s Hyundai. She couldn’t help herself; the smile returned, and she waved at Dan. The temptation was to push Dave away, slam the door, and run to the silver Porsche. Breathing in and out slowly, she decided to let nature take its course. There was no point in being rude. And she didn’t need to feel guilty because she didn’t do anything wrong.

  “Hey! Good to see you,” Dan said as he bounded up the walkway. Dave put one of the bags down, and when Dan reached for his hand, he shook it. The age discrepancy between her and Dan was evident, and Pam closed her eyes for a second, exasperated. This encounter couldn’t go anywhere good.

  “Dan Chua,” he said to Dave. “Nice to meet you. Are you ready to go?” he asked Pam, winking at her, not giving Dave a chance to reply.

  “I am,” she said. “Thanks for dropping by, Dave. Sorry about this.” And then, “Maybe another time.” She cringed, having put her foot in her mouth, but it worked. Dan piped in.

  “Absolutely. We have reservations or we could stay and chat,” he said to Dave. “Here, let me help you get this back to your car. What is it? Rotisserie chicken? My favorite from your place!” Dave couldn’t be rude after that, but he did pull away from Dan’s offering hand.

  “I can manage, thanks,” he said, turning to go to his car. Pam felt awful but stayed quiet. Dan put his hand on her back as they walked to his car. Dave wasn’t going anywhere unless they moved the Porsche. The engine roared when he turned the key. He rolled out of the driveway and waited to pull away until Dave was out of sight.

  “Well, that was awkward,” Pam said. “I feel like a heel.”

  “You shouldn’t. He’s a grown man. We know we shouldn’t go anywhere unannounced.” He glanced over at her, smiling. “Are you ready?”

  Pam looked at the house. “I guess so. I was a lot more ready before he showed up. As a matter of fact, I was rather thrilled about tonight. Maybe that feeling will come back.” He grabbed her hand and pulled it up to his mouth, kissing it. “I’m too old to pretend or to play hard to get.” She knew that in her current circumstances, if she had to walk on eggshells, the relationship was doomed. Look at her and Dave, for instance. “And for the record, my best friends are Jeff Babcock and my late husband’s mistress. If you have a problem with that, we’d better stop now.” Dan laughed and then apologized for it.

  “No problem! I love Jeff,” he said. Pam wasn’t sure if he knew Jeff was gay, but it wasn’t her business. “And you are a special woman to be able to forgive someone who betrayed you.” Pam looked out the window as they drove past houses where people were spending their Friday evenings together. She imagined other women whose husbands returned home from Manhattan each night, ate dinner with the family, went to soccer practice, took out the trash. Looking over at Dan, she had a pang of remorse. Why did they have to find each other now? Why not before AIDS? And then she laughed, remembering that she was ten years older than he was.

  “She didn’t really betray me, not like we think of betrayal. She was a selfish young girl. Trust me, she’s paid her dues. Someday I’m sure you’ll meet her.” He let go of her hand and turned the wheel of the car into the driveway of their new favorite restaurant. When he shut the car off, they sat looking straight ahead for a few minutes and then, synchronized, turned to each other to speak.

  “You first,” Dan said.

  Pam shook her head. “Go ahead,” she urged.

  He paused and took a deep breath. “I think we have something here,” he replied.

  “You do?”

  He nodded his head. “I think it’s something we need to protect.”

  Pam nodded her head in agreement. Protect was exactly when they needed to do. But how? How do two adults protect their relationship?

  “How do we accomplish it?” she asked. “Hide it?”

  “No, no, nothing like that. I am actually thinking we should be exclusive.” He put up his hand. “I know, I know, it’s only been a week.” He glanced at her again, a questioning look on his face. “Do you think I’m rushing things?” Pam was actually trying not to laugh again; did he think she had a date book? And then she remembered the Dave situation. Maybe that’s where he was coming from.

  “Look, if you are worried about Dave, that was just a companionship we had. I wasn’t intimate with him.”

  “I didn’t think anything of it, trust me,” he said. “I’m probably possessive but only because I don’t want you to see other men, and I won’t see other women. I want people to know we are together.” Pam was struggling with the concept of having this discussion already. But she liked him as much as he seemed to like her. Maybe people didn’t wait around nowadays.

  “I definitely don’t want to see anyone else, so it’s a deal. And trust me, if I thought you were the womanizing type, we wouldn’t be together. I’ve had enough of that scene to last a lifetime.” She’d stunned herself! She didn’t need to hide Jack’s true character f
rom Dan. The tension in her body was released at that exact moment.

  “Whew! I feel like a new woman. I’ve never confessed that Jack was a cad. I mean people knew, but I felt a loyalty to him, maybe because of the kids,” she said. And looking at him again, she had to say, “Sincerely, thank you.” But there was a lingering feeling neither of them could shake, the feeling that something profound was taking place, something yet to be revealed. Dan reached over and pulled Pam to him, kissing her passionately. He’d already accepted that he was in love with her, that she could die of AIDS long before they grew old, and although he wouldn’t put those thoughts into words, the emotion, the sadness of it permeated their conversation. She might say she was grateful, that she felt relieved that she could be honest with him, but her darkest thoughts only slightly mirrored her words. She used words like “betrayal” and “cad” to describe people and their treatment of her, but the devastation was much worse. Dan would struggle with Pam’s acceptance of Sandra as her only female friend, no matter how many dues she’d paid. Did she really make restitution to Pam for wrongs done? Not hardly. But he would never, ever make it an issue between them. He had already assumed the role of supporter, of nurturer—and, he hoped, someday, lover.