The Harder You Fall

by L A Cotton

  “Shona,” I said, finally breaking the tension between us. “You get why I left, right?”

  “Sure, I get it. Part of me was so fucking relieved when your mom told you to pack your bags. But the other part, the selfish part, can’t forgive you for leaving me behind. I know that makes me a bitch, but I can’t help it.”

  “I know.” I threw my arms around her and hugged her tight. “I’m sorry I left too.”

  “You just make the most of it and remember you got out, Mya. You escaped this place.” She eased back, flashing me her megawatt smile. “Now, tell me about those white boys you been hanging out with.” Her smile turned suggestive.

  “They’re just… guys.”

  “You like one of them.”

  “No I don’t.” Liar.

  “Oh you do, it’s written all over your face. Lemme guess, he’s a Justin Timberlake. You always did have a crush on JT back in the day.”

  “He’s not—” A commotion over by the door caught my attention.

  “Mya, yo, Mya, you up in here?” Jermaine’s voice filtered through the house and my spine stiffened.

  “Fuck,” Shona hissed. “Don’t worry, babe, I’ll get Jesse and Leroy to deal with him.”

  “And cause World War Three?” I glared at her. “I knew he’d find me. I just thought it’d be on my terms.” Placing my drink down, I began moving past her.

  “Wait, you’re sure about this?” she asked me.

  “Better than the alternative.” Silent understanding passed between us. If I didn’t go to him, Jermaine and his guys would cause problems for Shona and her brother. Something I couldn’t let happen.

  “He puts a single finger wrong and you call me, ‘kay?” Jesse gave me a reassuring nod.

  Nervous energy vibrated through me as I cut through the sea of bodies and made my way to the front of Shona’s house. Jermaine stood in the door, his eyes hard and cold. It had been three months since I’d seen him. Three months for him to beef up, cover more of his dark skin in tattoos. Three months to let his love for me turn to hatred.

  “Mya, baby, looking good,” he said smoothly, letting his gaze run down my body. I shuddered, his attention no longer familiar and safe.

  “J,” I said coolly. “It’s been a while.”

  “Yo, Shawn, you guys get out of here. Me and my girl gotta talk.” I internally flinched.

  His girl.

  He still thought of me as his girl. But I hadn’t been his girl since the day I left Fallowfield Heights.

  His guys moved around him, ready to disperse into the party but I said, “They leave. I’ll talk to you if they leave.”

  Jermaine’s brow rose. “It’s like that, huh?”

  “It’s like that,” I deadpanned, folding my arms over my chest and glaring at him.

  “A’ight. I’ll meet you later,” he said to them, and they all filed out of the house.

  “I see you got yourself some lap dogs.” I didn’t want to think about what he’d done to earn their respect.

  “Come on, My, why you gotta be this way? I thought we could talk.” He swaggered toward me. “Talk, kiss… make up. You owe me, girl.” His hand reached for me, but I swatted it away.

  “I owe you nothing more than an explanation.”

  “So it’s like that, huh?” Jermaine rubbed his jaw.

  “Let’s go outside, I need some air.” I couldn’t breathe with him looking at me like that.

  Shouldering past him, I slipped into the cool night. Shona lived in one of the nicer parts of the neighborhood, so we were afforded some privacy. I moved around to the side of the house, where I knew there was a bench, and sat down. Jermaine followed but he didn’t sit. Instead, he towered over me. He seemed taller. Older in the face somehow. No signs of the young man I’d left behind.

  “How’s your mama?” I asked, breaking the silence. “Bet she was real disappointed you dropped out of school.”

  He clucked his tongue, shrugging. “I did what I had to.”

  “Bullshit. School was the only thing working for you.”

  “So what? I could look forward to a life of working at the Seven Eleven or collecting glasses for Keelan at the bar. Fuck. That.”

  “At least it’d be safe. At least it’d be an honest job.”

  “Shit, Mya, three months in wherever the fuck you been and you already talking shit. They brainwashed you out there? Filling your head with dreams of a better life?” He snorted. “I got news for you, baby girl. This is all we got. Life ain’t never gonna be no different.”

  My heart ached at his words. For the boy I once knew. Jermaine was blinded by the promise of money and status. He couldn’t see there was another way, like too many men in our neighborhood.

  “It didn’t have to be like this,” I whispered, tipping my head back against the cladding.

  Jermaine took my hand in his, sliding our fingers together the way he had so many times. But where it once brought me peace, it felt wrong now.

  “It was always you, Mya. You were my anchor in this fucked up place we call home. As long as I had you nothing else mattered.”

  Tears pricked the corner of my eyes. “We both know that’s not true. I was never enough. If I was, you would have stopped.”

  “You left me, you fucking left me,” he repeated, again and again, his voice cracking with pain. I wanted to console him, to give him comfort the way I had so many times before. But I didn’t.

  I couldn’t.

  “I left because I knew if I stayed, I’d never get out. And I want more, J. I want to go to school and get a degree. I want a house and a family and a job. I want more than... than this.”

  “You always were too good for this place.” He stared off into the darkness.

  “I’m sorry I ran, I am. But I had no other choice. I watched you get beaten within an inch of your life and then I was assaulted. They assaulted me with your blood on their hands. Do you have any idea what that was like? I thought they were going to…” The words lodged in my throat as the hazy memories flooded my mind.

  The pain.

  The crunch of bone on bone.

  Their laughter.

  So much laughter.

  Blood. Everywhere.

  “It’s the life, Mya.”

  “Oh God,” I yanked my hand away and jumped up. “Listen to yourself. Even now, even sitting here listening to me tell you why I left, it’s still not enough. You should go.”

  “Baby, don’t do this.” He stood up, trying to pull me into his arms, but I resisted, stepping back out of his hold. “You make it sound like it’s all on me, but you knew who I was. You knew where my life was going and you loved me anyway. And what, now you think you just get to run away and pretend like we’re nothing to each other? Fuck that. You’re mine, Mya. You’ll always be mine. You can’t run forever.” His eyes turned hard. “One day, you’ll come running back. Ain’t no outrunning the hood, baby. You know that.”

  It was a silly thing we’d grown up saying. I’d beg Jermaine not to hang out with Diaz’s crew and he’d tell me it was destiny. But it was never destiny. It was a choice, and he’d already made the wrong one.

  “Goodbye, Jermaine,” I said, slowly backing away.

  “You’re making a mistake, Mya,” he ground out, his eyes swirling with so much anger and sadness it physically hurt to walk away from him. But I had to do this. I had to put him in the past. Because love wasn’t enough. Not for us.

  “This isn’t the end,” he called after me, as I spun on my heel and took off around the back of Shona’s house. I didn’t look back. I didn’t let myself cry or scream or fall apart.

  Not until I reached the back door and fell into Jesse’s waiting arms.

  Asher

  “So I hear Coach Hasson has you all locked into an exhibition game next month?” My old man talked a good talk, but I heard the disapproval in his voice. It wasn’t what he said, it was how he said it.

  My friends were none the wiser as they ate my mom’s lasagna and drank
Dad’s twenty-one-year-old single malt as if everything was fine.

  “Yeah, it kinda came out of left field,” Jason said. “But if it means I get to play one last time with the team and raise money for a good cause then count me in.”

  “I’d better dig my checkbook out then.” Dad smiled, but it only reminded me of a sly fox.

  Everyone laughed, the mix of Mom’s strained laughter to Dad’s hearty over-the-top chuckle almost too much to bear.

  This wasn’t the first time I’d played happy families with my parents and best friends. Dad liked to showboat. He liked to present a united and strong front, and usually I played along without too much difficulty. But this was different. This felt like the last supper before walking the green mile to a death sentence of security systems and business meetings, brightly colored ties and business suits.

  “That would be very kind of you, Mr. Bennet.”

  “Please, Jason, we’ve talked about this before. Call me Andrew.”

  My best friend nodded, and I’m sure I caught him slightly starry-eyed as he watched my father command the table. Jason and his old man, Kent Ford, weren’t exactly close. There was a lot of resentment and bitterness there, but it still felt ironic that he respected my dad so much. If only he knew.

  Forcing the thoughts down, I forked some more lasagna into my mouth. Mom cast me appreciative glances every now and then. This was all for her. Dinner. The fake conversation. Dad might have been a cold, cruel son of a bitch, but in his own twisted way he loved her. And if there was one thing Andrew Bennet never did, it was sever a business agreement.

  Marriage.

  Fatherhood.

  Business.

  It was all the same to him. A series of transactions where people exchanged money and services, promises and sacrifices to move forward and better themselves.

  Dad got reassurance his son would follow in his footsteps. Mom got some semblance of family.

  And I got four years of football with my friends.

  “Asher, Son, are you listening?”

  Speak of the devil. My father glared at me.

  “I, uh, sorry.”

  “I was just telling the guys how excited we are about having you keep up the Bennet tradition of going to Pittsburgh in the fall.”

  Blood pounded between my ears. He could talk about anything, and yet he chose the one thing I didn’t want to talk about.

  “Andrew let’s not bore them with stories of how proud we are. There’s still so much food and I made dessert too.”

  “It’s okay, Mrs. Bennet,” Cam said. “We can always spare a few minutes to talk college, right, Jase?”

  “Sure thing. I can’t wait for the summer to come around.”

  “Your father tells me Miss Giles will be following you to Penn?”

  “She’s not following him, Dad,” I jumped in. “She was always going there.”

  “Really?” He looked genuinely surprised. “I never realized she was so intelligent. It’s time you found yourself a nice—”

  “Andrew, please. Let’s not embarrass Asher in front of his friends.”

  “I’m just saying, Julia, that a good woman can be the making of a man. I mean, look at us.” He patted Mom’s hand, his eyes sparkling with a fierce possessiveness that could easily be mistaken for adoration.

  I knew better.

  I knew Mom was a pawn in his games, just the way I was.

  “Actually Mr... I mean, Andrew, Asher does have his eye on a girl.”

  My head snapped over to Jason and I dragged my finger across my neck. He smirked while Cam spluttered over a mouthful of whisky.

  “Ah yes, the Hernandez girl.” Dad’s smile grew tight. “Well, I guess it’s better to have your fun now before you settle down and focus on the future.”

  My friends frowned at that. Jase cleared his throat, no doubt ready to come to my defense, but Cam discreetly nudged him, giving a little shake of his head.

  Fuck. This was turning into a shit show. I hadn’t wanted to invite them over, but I knew it made Mom happy when she had guests to entertain. And my friends seemed like a safe choice.

  Now I was seriously wondering if there was something wrong with me.

  This wasn’t safe. Having them here wasn’t reassuring.

  It was painful. Cutting me up inside as if I’d swallowed tiny shards of glass.

  I dropped my silverware on my plate, the clatter piercing the tense silence. Running a hand through my hair, I gave Jase a pleading look. I’d never asked him to bail me out of one of Mom and Dad’s dinners before. But tonight was different.

  Tonight I needed my friends.

  Jase cleared his throat. “That was great, Mrs. Bennet. I can’t wait to see what’s for dessert. Then we need to make tracks. We’re meeting the rest of the team at Bell’s for our annual pre-Christmas thing.”

  “You are?” Dad’s expression darkened. “You never mentioned it, Son.”

  “Guess it slipped my mind,” I grumbled.

  “Well, that’s just lovely,” Mom added. “Team spirit is just so important these days. I’ll get these cleared away and serve dessert so you boys can be on your way. Asher, a little help?”

  “Sure thing, Mom.” I stood up and began loading plates into my hands. I knew Jason and Cam didn’t understand the strange atmosphere at dinner, but it was better that way.

  For now, it was better they didn’t know the whole story.

  At least, that’s what I kept telling myself.

  “Want to tell us what the fuck that was all about?” Jase kept his eye on the road as we drove away from my house. It wasn’t until the shadow of the building disappeared in the rear-view mirror that I finally felt the weight ease off my chest.

  “Just my old man being his usual hard ass self.”

  He side-eyed me, his hands tightening around the wheel. “Something’s going on with you. You don’t want to tell us yet, that’s cool. But drop the charade. We’ve all been there. Me with my old man. Cam with his mum. It’s okay to let people in, Ash. You don’t have to carry whatever it is that’s got you so worked up alone.”

  “Fee’s good for you, man.” I ignored his grand speech and deflected the spotlight from me to him. “And despite everything that happened, I’m happy for you. You two deserve each other.”

  “So that’s how it’s going to be?” he asked.

  “For now, yeah. But I’ll let you know when I’m ready to talk.”

  “We’ll be here, you know that.” Cam leaned forward from the back seat and squeezed my shoulder.

  The familiar streets of our small town rolled by. I couldn’t imagine moving to Pittsburgh, living in a strange place with strange people. But I guess my future was tainted by the fact it wasn’t truly my future.

  “Hey,” I said after a little while. “This isn’t the way to Bell’s.”

  “You caught that, huh?” He smirked, signaling left and pulling onto the street where Felicity lived.

  “Guys, if this is your attempt to cheer me up, I’m really not in the mood to play fifth wheel.” I’d done enough of that lately.

  He chuckled, not saying another word as he pulled onto Flick’s driveway and cut the engine. “Trust me,” he said cryptically. “I think you’ll like this surprise.”

  Surprise?

  What the actual fuck?

  We got out and I reluctantly followed Jason and Cam up to the Giles’ house. The last thing I wanted to do was hang out and watch them with their girlfriends. They usually tried to keep PDA’s to a minimum around me.

  Tried and failed.

  And I got it, I did. They were in love. So deeply gone for their girls that they couldn’t keep their hands off them. But that shit was nauseating on a good day, let alone on a day where everything seemed like such a fucking mess.

  Jason didn’t knock. He just walked right in like he owned the place. It didn’t surprise me. He already had Mr. and Mrs. Giles wrapped around his finger, despite their initial concerns about their daughter dating Rixon’s
golden boy of football.

  We followed the girly laughter into the living room and my eyes almost bugged out of my head. “Mya?” I choked out. “What are you...?”

  She stood up, pushing her wild curls out of her face. “Hey.”

  I noticed Fee and Hailee grinning at us out of the corner of my eye.

  “Can we talk?”

  “I... uh... sure,” I said.

  Jase clapped me on the back, moving around me as I stood rooted in place, staring at Mya.

  “Come on,” she said, taking my hand and leading me away from our friends.

  I was so surprised, so fucking confused, I trailed behind her like a lost puppy.

  Mya kept going until we reached the back door. “It’s cold,” she said. “But I thought we’d have more privacy outside?” She glanced back at me and waited.

  “Sure.”

  Releasing a small breath, Mya nodded, before slipping outside. She wasn’t wrong. The frigid air wrapped around us like icy fingers. Or maybe it was just trepidation at whatever it was she wanted to talk about.

  “Fuck,” I breathed, jamming my hands deep in my jacket pockets.

  Mya chose the swing seat. It was big enough for two, but I was still so stunned at seeing her, I opted to stand.

  “So,” she started, “I have something for you.”

  “You do?”

  “Yeah.” A tentative smile tugged at her mouth as she reached into her pocket and pulled out a tiny scrap of paper. “Here.”

  I took it from her, my brows pinched in confusion as I read the number written on it. “I’m not—”

  “It’s my cell phone number. My new cell phone number.”

  “I don’t understand.” I scratched my cheek.

  “I’m done, Asher. I went back there and saw Jermaine thinking I needed closure, but I realized something. That part of my life was over the second I packed my bag and left. So I’m done.”

  “You’re done?” I sounded like a parrot but I couldn’t process what she was saying.

  “I still want to take things slow, but what I’m saying is, if you still want me, I’m yours.”

  Yours.

  She’d said, ‘I’m yours’.