I found my hands tugging at the hem of his shirt and then he stopped, pulling back suddenly, taking both of my hands in his. He didn’t say anything and the way I looked at him, he could tell a kiss wasn’t going to be enough to extinguish the hurt of his absence. He let go of my hands, which fell limply to my side as he reached down, stripping the t-shirt from his body and he stood before me, stronger than I’d ever seen him, his breathing haggard and needy. A second later, his mouth was on mine again, rougher this time though and I returned his kiss with equal fervor. When I felt his hands crawl under my shirt and touch the sensitive skin of my stomach, my muscles clinched and a moment later, his hands were pushing up my body until my shirt joined his on the floor. I lunged at him again, pulling him as close as I could as our bodies crushed together, his arms holding me so tightly to him I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t care though because I didn’t need to breathe. All I needed was him. I hadn’t been able to breathe for nearly four years without him, but now as my hands explored his body, I felt alive again and I knew he felt the same. We inched towards the bed, our lips never losing contact and when I felt the mattress on the back of my knees, I didn’t fight it and I fell onto the bed, the weight of his body on top of mine a second later. I’d never wanted anything or anyone so badly as I did at that moment and I pulled at him frantically until I felt him slowing down, our greedy kisses being replaced with sweet pecks until his mouth pulled away from mine completely and I opened my eyes. He was hovering only inches above me, looking down at me with a smile and tears in his eyes as he gently stroked my hair with his hands.
“I just need to look at you,” he whispered. “I need to make sure you’re really here.”
“I’m here,” I whispered back, brushing my fingers against his cheek. He reached up and held my hand against his skin for a moment before his lips met mine again and this time we didn’t stop, the pain of the last four years seemingly forgotten.
Chapter Thirty-One
We didn’t say anything to each other for a long time and if I hadn’t felt the gentle strokes of his fingertips against the skin of my bare shoulder, I would’ve thought he’d fallen asleep. I was resting my head on his chest, my arm wrapped around his stomach and for the first time since he’d walked out of my life, I was whole again. I knew I’d missed him, but I didn’t understand how much until I’d felt his kiss and his hands on my body.
“Are you okay?” he finally said, his voice low and raspy and I opened my eyes to the dancing shadows around the dark room. I propped myself up on my elbow while my other arm remained draped across his waist so I could see him. He was looking at me with concern and I reached up, brushing the hair off his forehead. It was still shorter than I was used to, but it’d grown out some since he’d returned to Carver. It was damp and he closed his eyes for a moment as my fingers brushed over his scalp.
“I am. Are you okay?” He opened his eyes at the sound of my voice and he smiled, propping himself up so our eyes were locked.
“Yeah.” His voice was breathless and he inched towards me, nervously, hesitantly as if he didn’t know if he should, as if I’d pull away. When I didn’t, his mouth met mine and he breathed in deeply as he kissed me. His eyes opened slowly when he pulled away and a little smile spread over his face. “I’m perfect.”
He laid back down, encouraging me to do the same, pulling the sheet over us, until I was nestled in close to him and I closed my eyes as he continued tickling my shoulder.
“What does this mean, Riley?” Jesse’s voice cut through the peace and my eyes opened, staring at the wall at the black and yellow shadows from the candles. The moment had been perfect, but he’d brought reality back into the mix and I didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t know what it all meant. All I’d known was that I’d needed him.
“I’m not sure,” I eventually answered and I felt his fingers stop. “What do you want?”
“You know what I want,” he said, having already made his intentions perfectly clear.
He wanted me to say everything could be like it was before he left, since before the letter, since before everything went to hell. And as I lay in his arms, I wanted to tell him it could be. I wanted to close my eyes and pretend the last few years hadn’t happened, that he hadn’t left me, that he hadn’t taken my heart and crushed it to pieces. But, no matter how good it felt laying in his arms again, the fact remained that it had happened and I didn’t know if I was ready to act as if everything was okay between us. Maybe someday it could be. I wanted it to be, but I needed time to figure it out. I couldn’t just blink and forget it all.
I sat up, holding the sheet to my chest as he lay sprawled on the bed, a hand tucked under his head, looking entirely too perfect as moisture glistened on his abdomen.
“So much has happened between us, Jesse,” I said, my voice choking up as it all came rushing through my mind. “I wish I could forget it all, but…I…I can’t.”
“And I don’t expect you to,” he interrupted as he stared at the ceiling, looking frustrated. I knew he wasn’t frustrated with me, but with himself for how we ended up at this moment. We both knew it could’ve been so different if he’d made different choices. I couldn’t dwell on that though. It was the past and I had to figure out our future…if we even had one.
“I need some time to figure it all out. I just broke up with Evan and now I’m here with you…and…and it was wonderful and I’ve missed you so much…but…I…” I stammered, but he suddenly sat up, resting a finger on my lips and my voice was silenced as he stared into my eyes.
“I love you, Riley. You know I love you and I was a fool to do what I did. The last few years have been the loneliest of my life. Being with you is all I’ve wanted since the moment I left. For some reason you were brought into my life. You changed me, Riley. From the moment you walked into Mr. Barry’s class, you’ve been a part of me and for some reason I’ll never understand, you loved me. You wanted to be with me when you could’ve had any guy you wanted, but you wanted me and I pissed it away. I thought you were better off without me and I didn’t think I was good enough for you, but as I see it now, I’m exactly what you need.” He swooped in before I could respond, kissing me so sweet and tenderly, I felt it all the way in my toes and when he pulled back, I was breathless. Our faces were only inches apart and his eyes met mine again. “But, this needs to be your choice. You know how I feel. I love you.” He kissed me again, the pleading on his lips bringing tears to my eyes. “But, I didn’t give you a choice when I walked away from us and I won’t pressure you into being with me again. It’s up to you.”
I looked down at the sheet and then I felt him brush my cheek with the pad of his thumb.
“I’ll be here when you’re ready and if…if you decide…if you don’t want to be with me again…I’ll respect that.”
I nodded, unable to speak as I watched him laying it all out there for me and then he pulled me to him, wrapping his arms around me as we fell back onto the bed, the candlelight flickering around us. His arms felt so good…so warm…so safe…so right. I loved him. I loved him with everything I had. I opened my mouth to tell him that, but I couldn’t, not yet, and I didn’t know if I’d ever have the courage to tell him that again. I didn’t know if I could let go and move on and trust him again. All I knew was that this moment with him was perfect.
“Should I go?” he whispered a while later when I still hadn’t said anything.
“No,” I whispered. “I don’t want to be alone. Stay with me until morning.”
We didn’t say anything the rest of the night, but he held me tightly and the last thing I remembered before falling asleep was a gentle kiss on the top of my head and the melodic sounds of his voice whispering, “I love you”, in my ear.
Chapter Thirty-Two
It wasn’t as awkward as I thought it would be the next morning. He was already awake when I opened my eyes and I knew he’d been watching me sleep. I smiled shyly at him and he replied by kissing me sweetly on the tip of my nose
. We laid there for a while, staring out the window at the morning sunlight spilling into the room.
“How’d you sleep?” he eventually asked.
“Great. What about you?”
“I didn’t sleep much,” he said and I turned my head to look up at him.
“Why not?”
“I didn’t want to waste this time with you sleeping. Plus, you’re pretty cute when you’re asleep. I love your little snore.” He was grinning at me and I felt my cheeks flame red.
“I do not snore!” I protested.
“Yes, you do and it’s adorable.” He pulled the covers back, stepping out of bed and searching the floor for his clothes. I tried not to watch him, but it was impossible and I looked at him as discreetly as I could as he slid on his jeans and t-shirt. “I’ll wait for you downstairs.”
He walked back over to me, kissing me on the forehead and then he was gone. The door shut behind him and I sat up in my bed, my head in my hand as I smiled and shook my head at the memories of last night. I got up, searching through my dresser and found a clean pair of jeans and a t-shirt before running a brush through my hair and heading downstairs.
Jesse was cooking eggs on the stove and I slid into the chair and watched him.
“If I remember correctly, you like yours scrambled,” he said, turning to me for approval and I nodded.
A few minutes later, he placed a plate of eggs and toast in front of me and poured us each a glass of orange juice.
“Thanks for breakfast,” I said as we ate. “I’m glad the power came on and that the food in the fridge didn’t spoil…well, let’s hope it’s not spoiled,” I laughed, but then he looked at me coyly.
“I’m glad the power came on too, but the blackout was pretty fun.” I smiled and blushed and looked away as we finished our breakfast in silence. He cleared the table when we were done and then we walked into the living room where we stood awkwardly for a few moments.
“I should go,” he finally said. “I need to check if there was any damage to my house.”
“Yeah, you probably should,” I agreed, sad to think of him leaving while at the same time anxious for him to go so I could think about this whole situation with a clear head without his intoxicating presence.
“I just want to let you know, I’m heading back to North Carolina in a couple of days,” he said and I flinched at his words.
“How long will you be gone?” I asked, trying to disguise my sadness.
“I’m not sure. A week, maybe two.”
“Will I see you before you go?”
“Do you want to see me?” he asked and again, I nodded wordlessly. “Then you’ll see me.”
He went to the door and opened it, turning to smile at me before he walked out.
I stood motionless for a long time, trying to come to grips with the events of the past twenty-four hours. I’d broken up with my fiancé and hooked up with the love of my life. I didn’t think my life could get any more complicated than that.
Finally able to move, I went around the house, picking up all the candles and sifting through the contents of the fridge to see if anything had gone bad. It kept my mind occupied, but when I was done, the emptiness of the house overwhelmed me. I hated being here alone and after last night, I realized how much I hated being alone period.
I headed upstairs and showered and got myself ready for work, leaving as soon as I was done, even though I knew it would get me there earlier than I needed to be. I just needed to get out of the house. I could still feel him there…could still smell him in my bedroom and I needed to get away.
I focused intently on work and did my best to ignore Mark, who was being especially annoying this morning. I was relieved when Jill asked me to spend most of the morning and early afternoon making deliveries. I turned up the music, trying to think about something other than Jesse or the way he’d made me feel the night before. I swear I could still feel his touch on my skin and his lips on mine. I was like a pathetic school girl with her first crush. This was more than a crush though…so much more. I loved him and he loved me. Logic would dictate that when two people love each other, they should be together. Logic alone didn’t apply in our situation though. There were complications that most relationships didn’t have and feelings that couldn’t easily be mended and I had to force myself to look at them…at the whole picture…not just what I was feeling in the afterglow of my night with Jesse. I’d been hurt too deeply to dive into it again, even though most of my body was screaming for me to open my arms and take the plunge.
When I got home that evening, I half-expected Jesse to be waiting for me, a part of me had hoped he would be anyway. He wasn’t though and I knew deep down he wouldn’t be waiting for me. The ball was in my court now. He’d left it all up to me. He’d laid his feelings down without reservation and it was my choice where we went from here.
I missed him as I sat on the couch watching TV alone and I was happy when he texted me to tell me he’d hoped I’d had a nice day. I found myself reading the text over and over before deciding to call it an early night. I laid in bed realizing how lonely my bedroom had suddenly become after the night before. I could still smell him on my sheets and I closed my eyes, inhaling deeply and for a few moments it felt like he was with me. That thought was the only reason I was able to get any sleep at all.
My mom and Jack got back the next day and were waiting for me after I got home from work. She greeted me with a huge hug when I walked in the door and I noticed she and Jack both still looked as giddy as they had at the wedding. I sat on her bed while she unpacked her suitcase, listening to her recount all of their adventures in Alaska. They’d gone on a float plane ride to the Misty Fjords and Jack had brought back nearly thirty pounds of salmon he’d caught when they went deep sea fishing. My mom was already listing off the different recipes she planned to try with it and I had a feeling I was going to get sick of salmon real fast. Knowing my love for salt water taffy, she couldn’t wait to give me the bag of huckleberry taffy she’d brought back. It was tough for me to admit, but it beat my Cape Cod taffy hands down and I knew the three pound bag she’d given me would probably be gone by the next day.
“I’m really glad you had such a good time,” I told her as she finished unloading the last bag.
“We did, honey. Thank you,” she said with a sweet smile before sitting down next to me. “Was everything okay while we were gone? I heard there was some nasty weather a couple of days ago.”
“Yeah. A tornado watch actually. It was pretty freaky. The sirens were going and everything. But, luckily the funnel cloud never touched down.”
“I’m sorry we weren’t here. I remember how scary they can be.”
“I wasn’t alone,” I began hesitantly, wondering how I should tell my mom what had happened since she’d been gone. “Jesse was here with me.”
“Jesse?” I could tell by the way she jerked back a little that she hadn’t expected to hear that.
“Yeah. He came and picked me up on the turnpike about thirty miles out of town after I blew out two tires.”
“Are you alright?” she sounded worried and I looked over at her reassuringly.
“I’m fine. The car’s getting worked on at Jesse’s uncle’s shop. I hope you don’t mind I borrowed your car to get to work today.”
“What were you doing way up there?”
“Coming home from Kansas City,” I said and she didn’t say anything as she seemed to be waiting to hear the rest of the story. I started playing with the spot my engagement ring used to be and I wondered if she’d noticed.
“You went up to Kansas City?”
“Just for a few hours,” I said and then finally looked up to meet her blue eyes. “Evan and I…I mean I…I broke up with Evan.” The room grew quiet for a few moments and I knew she was formulating in her head what she should say.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” she said, but I didn’t know if she really was. I didn’t think she’d ever been crazy about our engagement in the fi
rst place. “How’re you doing?”
“I’m fine.”
“Can I ask what happened?”
“Things changed when I got back to Carver,” I said, my voice trailing off before I decided to tell her the truth. “Jesse came back.”
When I looked at her, she nodded and I knew she wasn’t surprised. Just like Matt, she probably knew it was going to happen. If I was being honest with myself, I’d known too, I just couldn’t admit it.
Carry Me Home (The Home Series: Book Three) Page 23