“So you and Jesse…” she began and I cut her off.
“No. We’re not together. He wants to be, but I don’t know. He says it’s up to me. He told me he didn’t give me a choice when he left, but it’s my choice now.”
“And what are you going to choose?” she asked and I looked at her, my lip trembling and she pulled me into her arms.
“I love him, Mom. I never stopped. It’s always been him.”
“I know,” she said as she stroked my hair soothingly.
“But he hurt me. He hurt me so badly. If he hurts me again…”
“I know, Riley,” she said and I just let her hold me, not needing to say anything else.
****
I got a text from Jesse after dinner asking if he could bring my car back. I told him he could and I waited anxiously until I saw the headlights of the tow truck pull into the driveway. He got out and I met him outside.
“Hey,” he said when our eyes met.
“Hey,” I said, watching him as he worked to unload my car. “That was a fast repair.”
“I told you I’d make sure you were on top of the priority list. I even worked on it myself,” he said, turning to me with a grin as he finished up, pulling my car into its usual spot in the driveway.
“I can take a check over to your uncle tomorrow. Do you know how much it came to?” I asked when he was standing across from me.
“Don’t worry about it.”
“What do you mean don’t worry about it?”
“I mean don’t worry about it. It’s taken care of.”
“Seriously, Jesse. How much were the repairs?”
“I said it’s taken care of. You spotted me the flowers, remember?”
“Flowers and tires are two totally different things,” I said, folding my arms and glaring at him playfully.
“Not to me,” he said with an equally playful look and I knew there was no arguing with him.
“Well, thank you for that. It wasn’t necessary, but thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” he said as we stepped onto the porch, each of us taking a seat in one of the old white rocking chairs. We rocked in silence for a little while, just listening to the creaking of the wood below our rockers and the symphony of crickets.
“I’m leaving tomorrow morning for North Carolina,” he said suddenly and I stopped rocking.
“Oh,” was all I said, even though I shouldn’t be surprised. I knew it was coming. He’d told me he was leaving, but still, I didn’t like hearing the actual words.
“I wanted to see you before I go.”
“I wanted to see you too,” I said and he smiled at my obvious admission and I smiled shyly back. “You’re coming back, right?” The smile on his face vanished at my words, acknowledging my fear of abandonment.
“I’m coming back.” He leaned forward in the rocking chair, reaching for my hand and looking into my eyes without blinking. “I swear.”
I just nodded and he squeezed my hand before letting go and leaning back in the chair again.
We rocked in silence for a little while and it was good to have him next to me again, like it used to be.
“When are you leaving?” I asked, breaking the silence.
“Around six. I wanna get an early start. The sooner I get there, the sooner I get home,” he said, looking at me knowingly.
“How long will it take you to get there?”
“Two days.”
“Be safe, okay?”
“I always am,” he said and we both knew the conversation was over.
“You should probably go home and get some sleep then,” I said and he nodded as we both stood up, slowly making our way down the steps, stopping by the cab of the tow truck. I didn’t know how to say goodbye, but I didn’t have to make that decision because he opened his arms and hugged me. I closed my arms around him too and I leaned my cheek against his shoulder as he rested his chin on my head for a few moments and I wished my mind could always be this clear, but I knew I could never think straight when it came to Jesse Baylor.
“Um…I have something for you,” he said, reaching into his pocket after we’d pulled away from each other. He held his hand out to me, placing a folded piece of paper in my palm. I looked down at it curiously, but didn’t say anything and I could tell he was nervous having handed it to me. “I’ll see you soon, okay?” he said, kissing me on the forehead before climbing into the driver’s seat.
“Okay,” was all I said as he turned the ignition, smiled at me once more and pulled away.
I watched the taillights of his truck until he turned the corner before climbing the stairs back to the porch and sitting down on the rocking chair, the glow of the porch light illuminating the piece of paper in my hands. Slowly, I opened it, recognizing the familiar handwriting and my heart started to pound as I was taken back to a situation eerily similar to this one…a situation that had changed my life. I took a deep breath and started reading.
Dear Riley,
I love you. Plain and simple. Always have. Always will. I can’t put my finger on it, but it’s like you’re in my soul and I’ve never been able to let you go and I never wanted to, not even when I told myself I should. All the time we’ve spent apart, I never forgot your smile or your eyes or your touch. I never forgot the sound of your voice and how it made me want to do anything for you. I never forgot what you did for me, even when I was pushing you away. I never forgot you and no matter how hard I tried, I knew I never could. You’re a part of me and you always will be, no matter what happens with us. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for giving me a chance and letting me love you. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I’m sorry for throwing it all away and putting you through all this. I’m sorry for coming back into your life and messing it all up for you again, but I was a fool to think I could go the rest of my life without seeing you, and no matter what happens, I’ll always remember this time we’ve had since we’ve both been back. At least I got to see you again, to hear your voice and the sound of your laughter, to hold you again, to finally kiss you. God, how I missed kissing you and I hope I never have to miss it again. I once told you I’d never hurt you, but I did and I know the hurt never went away. I want to make good on that promise. On this journey through life, I only want to walk it with you. I want to make you happy, to show you I can be the man you expected, to make up for everything I did to do you, because I love you. I wish there was something else I could say to let you know how much, but words are just words. They mean nothing without action and I hope you’ll let me show you. If not, remember there was a simple boy from a small town in Kansas, who wore jeans and t-shirts, fixed cars and listened to country music who loved a big city girl from Boston who was a bit of a snob, too sophisticated and beautiful for him and know that he’ll never stop loving her.
-Jesse
Just as with the first letter, I was crying when I read the last line, a tear falling onto the paper, smearing his name. I quickly folded it up and stuck it in my pocket, heading upstairs to my room so I could read it again.
Chapter Thirty-Three
I’d read Jesse’s letter so many times I practically had it memorized. I’d wanted to jump in my car and race to his house before he left, telling him yes, we could be together, that we could try again, but that little piece of doubt still lingered and I didn’t want to rush into anything. I was too afraid to let him in again after what he’d done and so I let him leave Carver without saying anything.
I decided a visit with my grandma would help or at least distract me from the decision I had to make. I couldn’t leave him hanging forever. He’d be back from North Carolina soon and I had to decide by then. We both couldn’t keep living in this limbo.
An old lady was playing the piano when I walked into the nursing home. It was a light, cheerful tune, which was the complete opposite of my mood. My grandma was sitting in front of the large TV in the common room watching a talk show with some other residents. As I approached her, I prayed she wo
uld recognize me. I needed her today. I walked up to her slowly, gently placing my hand on her shoulder and she turned to face me. I knew instantly she knew who I was by the smile she flashed.
“Riley!” she said excitedly. “I was hoping you’d come to see me.”
“Hi, Grandma,” I said, leaning in to hug her soft frame. “Do you wanna play some dominoes?”
She smiled and nodded and I helped her up, leading her over to a window with a view of a small pond where some ducks swam, eagerly eating the bits of bread two old men were throwing to them. I grabbed some dominoes from the game table and we started playing.
“How are you, Grandma?” I asked her.
“I’m good, honey,” she said and I knew for this moment she was. I just wished she could always be like this and God only knew how long this moment would last so I would cherish it.
“How are you?” she asked.
“I’m okay.”
“You seem sad. Did you and Jesse have a fight?” she asked and I knew her clarity wasn’t complete. She still had no clue about Jesse and me. I decided not to pretend anymore. What good would it do anyway? She wouldn’t remember this conversation in an hour, so I might as well be honest.
“We broke up, Grandma. A long time ago,” I said as I laid down a domino.
“Oh no,” she said, putting her hand to her mouth as if this was the first she’d heard about it. “Why?”
“It’s a long story.”
“I’ve got time,” she said, smiling over to me and I decided to just spit it all out to her. We stopped playing our game and she just listened as I told her everything, more for my own sake than for hers. I was surprised at how therapeutic it was to recount it all. My mind was able to revisit it and rediscover the feelings of each moment, seemingly working through it, and when I was done, my grandma just nodded and she looked sad and I’d worried I’d lost her.
“You’ve got quite a decision to make.”
“Yeah, I know,” I mumbled.
“Regret is a terrible feeling,” she said and I was taken back to the conversation I’d had with Jesse about the same topic. “I regret a lot in my old life, Lizzie,” she said and I froze, realizing she was slipping away. She’d called me by my mother’s name, but I listened as she kept talking, not to me, her granddaughter, but to her daughter. “I regret not calling you more or coming to visit you to get to know my sweet little grandbaby. She must be getting so big now,” she said, looking over to me and I nodded, realizing I was the baby she was talking about. “I regret it all. Fighting with you and letting those fights keep us apart. I’m glad you’re here. Let’s not fight anymore, okay?”
“Okay,” I said and we continued our game, but I couldn’t get my grandma’s regrets out of my mind. I didn’t want to be her age, looking back on things I couldn’t change, not taking a chance on things and then wondering what might’ve been. I didn’t want to know the terrible feeling of regret any more than I already did.
Chapter Thirty-Four
It’d been almost a week since Jesse left for North Carolina and I missed him. It was so much different than how I’d been missing him the last few years, when he left the first time and I realized he was completely and truly gone. It was as if he’d died…fallen off the face of the earth. I’d had no way to contact him, to talk to him, to know he was okay. This was different though. This was how it felt to miss someone you loved…to wait with baited breath for their next phone call or email…to count down the seconds until you could be together again.
We hadn’t talked since he left. There had been a few texts here and there, but nothing else. I wanted to call him, just so I could hear his voice, but I couldn’t bring myself to do so. I didn’t know what I’d say to him, so instead, I busied myself with work and on my day off, I decided to clean the house. I felt a bit like a freeloader and knew my mom and Jack would appreciate coming home to a clean house. I was just finishing up scrubbing the floor when the doorbell rang. I set the mop down and walked to the front door, surprised to see Mark standing there, holding a bouquet of beautiful lilacs and peonies.
“Surprise,” he said with mock enthusiasm. “As if you don’t get enough of me at work, I show up on your doorstep on your day off.” I knew he was trying to be funny, but Mark wasn’t funny, not like his brother anyway.
“Are these for me?”
“You are Riley Regas, aren’t you?”
“Don’t be stupid, Mark,” I sighed.
“Yes, they’re for you.”
I took them from him, barely managing a thank you before shutting the door, quickly walking over to the couch, and setting the flowers down, searching through the mass of pink and purple for the card. When I found it, I immediately smiled when I saw Boston on the front of the envelope. He hadn’t called me that since before he left and I anxiously opened the flap, pulling out the small card.
The flowers say it all.
He hadn’t signed it, but he knew I’d know they were from him. My chest started to tighten and my heart started to beat wildly as I stared at the lilacs and peonies. The flowers did say it all. He didn’t need to say anything else. Lilacs were symbolic of first love and peonies were meant to tell someone you love them. I just stared at the flowers, setting them down on the coffee table as I took a seat on the couch, my hand cupping my mouth as I tried not to cry.
I picked up my phone and began typing.
ME: THANK YOU FOR THE FLOWERS
I held my breath after hitting send, wondering what he’d reply with. I didn’t have to wait long and the phone beeped a second later.
JESSE: UR WELCOME
I thought about what to say to him. I didn’t want to be having this conversation over text or talking on the phone even. I needed to talk to him. Face to face, to look him in the eyes.
ME: WHEN WILL YOU BE HOME?
I hit send and waited anxiously for his reply. I didn’t have to wait long and I smiled when I saw his answer.
JESSE: SATURDAY NIGHT
I felt my stomach start to turn in nervous anticipation. Saturday was only three days away.
ME: SEE YOU THEN
JESSE: CAN’T WAIT
The phone was quiet after that, but I leaned back on the couch, closing my eyes. I had so much to say to him, but he was 1,300 miles away in North Carolina and I knew the next three days would be some of the longest of my life.
Chapter Thirty-Five
The note I left on his door was simple. MEET ME AT OUR PLACE. He knew what it meant and I sat on the edge of the dock, waiting. It was a muggy evening, hot and sticky, and my feet dangled in water, bringing me some relief. The sun was setting, painting the sky a vivid canvas of yellow, orange and pink. I occupied myself with my iPad, trying to be patient. It was my own fault for coming here and waiting for him. He’d texted in the morning saying he’d be home around six o’clock, but it was nearly six-thirty and I started to worry. I wondered if I should just head back home and wait to talk to him. I didn’t want to wait though. I didn’t want to drag this out anymore. I wanted to close the door on the last four years of my life and focus on the future.
Just when I thought my patience was done, I heard the sound of an engine and the crunching of rocks and dirt. My head jerked around to see his pick-up truck easing to a stop. Once he killed the engine and the driver’s side door started to open, my stomach started to knot and my heart started to pound. I saw a familiar pair of black Converse first, followed by a pair of jeans, which were fraying at the bottom and then he closed the door and I saw all of him. It shut with a loud echo and he stood beside it, staring at me. I waited for him to smile or do something, but he didn’t. He just stood there, watching me and I knew he was as nervous as I was. I pulled my feet from the water, slowly standing so I was facing him. I took a few steps forward, leaving dark footprints on the faded wood of the dock before I stopped too. I’m not sure how long we stood like that, but he finally started walking over to me, the dock shaking gently each time his feet hit it.
“Ril
ey…I got your note,” he said when only a few feet were separating us.
“How was your drive?” I asked
“Long. I’m glad to be back.” The usual ease was gone from his voice and I knew he was anxious. “I didn’t expect you to be here.”
“I needed to talk to you and I didn’t want to wait,” I said softly and I saw his jaw clench nervously.
“Let’s talk then.”
I took a deep breath and then the words started spilling from my mouth.
“I don’t want to drag this out any longer,” I began, trying to steady my words so I wouldn’t start rambling. “You’re right. We tried being without each other and it doesn’t work. As far as I can see, we pretty much need each other.” I took another step forward, closing the rest of the gap between us and when I took his hands, I could tell his heart was pounding as hard as mine. “Your note and the flowers…that wasn’t playing fair.” I smiled coyly at him.
“I said it was your choice if we were together, but I didn’t say I wouldn’t try and persuade you.” He was smiling a nervous half-smile at me and I took a deep breath.
“I choose us,” I said softly, my eyes locking on his.
“You choose us?” he returned just as quietly and I nodded.
“I want to try this again. I don’t know where it’ll end up. All I know is that I don’t want to miss out on anything else with you. I don’t want to waste another day. I love you, Jesse. I always have and I always will,” I smiled, stealing the line from his letter and he grinned at the recognition. “So…if your offer’s still good…” I continued, but was cut off when his lips met mine and he kissed me with a gentle urgency, begging for redemption.
“Hell yes, it’s still good,” he said a moment later when he’d pulled away. “I love you, Riley. So damn much it’s pathetic. I’m so sorry for everything…so sorry for hurting you.”
Carry Me Home (The Home Series: Book Three) Page 24