I Walked With Her

by Lisa Barrington

  I find I am glad not to be facing Ben. I grab his hands. That is exactly how I have felt for Ben my entire life. Why I did what I did for him so long ago. Why I am a vault. I will sacrifice my myself a million times over. He is not a choice. He lives in me. My soulmate. I can't stop a tear escape my eye.

  "I lost you once Max. That will never happen again."

  I think to myself. You didn’t lose me. You lost yourself. I have always been right there. I will forever protect us. I will never lose you again.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  I turn around; place my mug on the nightstand. I move back facing Ben. I am overcome. My heart expands larger than my chest feels it is capable of containing.

  I look at Ben longing. He eases my mind by filling my heart. Five minutes at a time. There is no insecurity, no anxiety, and no fear at this moment. Time stops for me yet again.

  I hug him and he wraps his arms around me. My hand moves beside his lips when he reaches my scar, letting his finger rest on my lower back.

  The twelve-inch scar that has not faded. It has not become smoother. It looks torn and still feels rigid. My reminder always. His fingertips run over it again. He kisses me with gentle care. I let go of our kiss as tears fall. He does not find it ugly.

  What I did, please leave my thoughts. Please God. Ben loves me. This is our five minutes at a time. Erase my mind.

  Ben moves from scar, pulling my mind back. He caresses my cheek wiping away my tears. He doesn’t ask this time why am I crying. He simply lets me be. He only gazes into me, smiling wider. He wants me to see how he sees me.

  We do not speak. Ben sees all I am, as I see all in him. I'm not going to close my eyes for even a second. If it were somehow possible, I would not blink.

  Ben finds my hands and holds them. We squeeze our hands tighter. I do not leave the blue iris of his eyes that hold my reflection. I see myself yet again. I will never be able to describe how that really feels. Those eyes that are so patient with me. The man I watched become born again himself.

  This right now is a reflection of all that was once my beginning. A beginning I was compelled to return to. The truth as I innocently sit this man right now, I have another beginning before me.

  All of what I feel and see with him. The truth, I shall be fulfilled with anything less than making love to this man again. This right now, is even more. This is intimacy I have never known. Understanding. Compromise. Equality. Acceptance.

  We stay so very still for a few more moments. Staring into one another’s eyes. Ben moves only to wrap both my legs around his waist as he wraps his arms underneath me. I hold, squeeze him with all the strength I can find. If I let go, I might disappear. He pushes my hair away from my face. We kiss gently. I shiver as I pull Ben closer tucking my head in his neck.

  I do not let go of him. I am seeking to will all that binds me inside. I finally let my heart breathe in this moment.

  I whisper in a voice inside my mind that I pray he can somehow hear. “This isn’t only Olive juice. I love you Benjamin Matthew Coolen. I am desperately in love with you.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Our lives finally seem to be falling into step. We actually ventured out of the house. We even caught a movie one night. We meet his friends and Steph for dinner. It was a great night spending time with good friends. Watching all three guys try to get Steph’s attention was hilarious. We laughed for hours. In fact, I think Steph did ask Mark back to her apartment, but no one is talking. Ben and I, well we didn’t give full disclosure of our new status. We also didn’t hide anything. We are finally simply staying true to ourselves.

  We caught two sunsets during this past week sitting on the roof. Ben returned to his meetings. He is taking his daily runs again. I actually turned on my laptop. Shit! I mean seriously, shit! Found the two hundred and eighty-three emails from the last few weeks I’ve neglected. My life is evolving so quickly I never looked at work.

  They are not all work emails by any means. There are a handful of offers however that in the least to be acknowledged with a response. That is not my style. That is not how I conduct business. Thank goodness, there were a few inquiries from the past few days. I replied to those first. Gave me slight piece of mind to feel back to life and not as presently unprofessional as I’ve been.

  I am constantly pitching myself to every publication that sparks my interest. I have written for trade magazines to Woman’s Day. The plus side of a mind that does not shut off. It is rewarding to receive to an offer for what I feel will make a good article. I seek to write what I enjoy reading, but that does not always have the best pay. My freelance work has always been similar to how I did conduct my life. Well, that is up until recently. I had few boundaries. I may choose what I wish to write, but I have left no area as one I will not write. No repetition. Nothing mundane. Usually only what arouses my interests. A tremendous amount of control.

  I do need to choose at least one piece to work on. I cannot let it falter any longer. I need all aspects of life to fall back in sync. I have often wondered if I chose my profession because of its flexibility. I can disappear if needed and reappear when I choose.

  After our seven day ‘love binge’, that we never left our home during, we needed to see the sun again. Not simply from the open shades. I would not change a second, not a breath of that week. We both do have lives, work; responsibilities to attend too. The balance we both need. I continue to be grateful. When we get up each morning what is so nice, we are beginning the day together. Even if we do need to independently handle some of our own struggles alone. We obviously can’t solely lean on one another. We are both keeping ourselves in check.

  I saw Dr. D again. He even lowered that Trazodone dosage. I feel a sense of success that he did. I returned to therapy. I even slipped in an extra session this past week. I am doing all I can to not fuck anything up. God I have tremendous potential to fuck anything and everything up. Letting go of control is like walking a maze with your eyes closed!

  Explaining this all to my therapist, she even seemed unaware how to process it all. She knows my secrets. It is within her four walls I’ve shared it all. She is careful in challenging me in understanding the emotions so new to me. Helping me to put forth a plan. One to help me not desire to run in fear. Learn to accept love freely. Help me understand the change and its absolute truth with my past.

  One could criticize therapy because technically she is paid to listen and help me. Perhaps it does not count as much. I would argue it though because she is one of the greatest blessings in my life. She helps me have further ease. She is helping me to continue to move forward. She will never say ‘control’ my mental illness. She prefers the term ‘manage’. She only treats as though I am Max. Not Max with a past, or Max the control freak, or Max with a mental illness. Just Max. Probably why it was always the safest place I felt.

  Seems today I was quite the challenge. I shared the plans I made for tonight. She quickly reiterated that as much as I am letting love in and reciprocating it, I am still defiant. She was adamant that I should know better.

  Still this desire to fulfill my needs for control does seep in. I can’t deny completely wanting to not seduce Ben as he called it but also still push some limits. I see now, I am realizing now, control hasn’t only been my survival. It was my survival because it is also my own addiction.

  I still must be more. I do battle an internal demon to find danger and careless love that can endanger what I finally have. I am still controlling much privately, avoiding complete disclosure and honesty.

  She was a bit disenchanted with me as I left today. What can I say? I still want to give Ben everything. I want to quiet my own demons. Even if he does not know this and more so never asks for more.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  I can't help but almost stumble in the door. Getting my keys in the lock with dinner, today's purchases, my yoga mat and my bag is no small feat.

  “Hello! Some help here, please!”

  “Are you tal
king to me?” Ben yells back as he is sprawled across the couch with a book in his hands. Well he certainly looks comfortable. Nice. How lovely for him.

  “No, I'm talking to our imaginary maid you missed I hired.”

  “Oh you mean Betty? I thought I hired her, because she definitely cleaned the apartment and got our laundry done alone, while you were out all day.”

  “Wise ass!” I drop my stuff on the kitchen counter. I take off my yoga jacket and turn. Ben is at the doorway.

  “Do I smell dinner? Do you realize I go grocery shopping? We can actually cook at some point. I know you have no skills, but I on the other hand have many.”

  “You are a dick. I can cook! I choose not to. Yes, you do smell dinner. Thai from the little place around the block you kept saying you wanted to try. Help yourself. I need to put my stuff away and get out of these clothes.”

  Ben blocks my way. “Appetizer?”

  I try to go around him. I need my own strength for this evening. Oh, God resisting him has become exceptionally difficult. I will however try. “Noooo, just dinner.”

  Ben doesn't let me by. My hands are filled again with my bags and purchases. He pushes me against the fridge. Leans against me, he releases the numerous bags in both my hands.

  “Quite a bit of shopping today? Should I be concerned? Possibly manic?” He says before kissing my neck.

  Right for the jugular! He knows the spot I can't resist. Fuck! The spot that runs directly to my clitoris. I swear there is a rope! When he kisses me at that exact spot there is a pulley straight to my core making me immediately throb!

  “No. No mania. Thank you for concern. My new cocktail of drugs seems to working quite well. I simply enjoyed my day. Is that alright with you?”

  “Aside from breaking my ass while you were gone. It sounds quite nice. Did you get anything good?”

  “Maybe.” I breathe him. Lord he does not stop. Keeping my arms at my side, I need to clench my fists to fight the arousal he is stirring. He knows this also. He no longer waits for me to initiate. He is now as aggressive as I solely once was. “I thought you were hungry?”

  “I am. Very much actually, though not for actual food. Well, not yet. I have intention of working up an appetite for that. My hard work left an appetite for other things.”

  “Ben. I'm gross from yoga. I have to get that piece done and emailed by 5 a.m. to the editor. I haven't even started it.”

  In between sucking on my yellow brick road, Ben declares his intent.

  “Point one. This gross, you speak of its called sweat. It's salty and I like it. You taste exceptional. Point two. I don't give a fuck about your freelance piece. You always leave work until the final hour. Seems to me, there are more areas of life I can help you with.”

  I must admit I do enjoy this side of him. A battle of wills with him, it is not a game but an extraordinary form of seduction. Not one I ever allowed. Attempting to deny him only makes giving in more satisfying.

  “I work best under pressure.” I'm fighting Ben in my head. His hands now on my ass, pulling me tighter against him. He bites my neck. Fuck that did it! Now I'm wet. God damn him! I am fully aware we have abstained from sex for a few days. We felt we both should focus on other things together.

  It’s been six whole days since any sexual activity. (We will say it that way.) It has not been easy. That is an understatement. Hence, why I have a plan! A damn good one too! Spice things up a bit.

  Oh no, here we go! I have to fight him. Come on, can’t I have some control again? The smallest amount? I can feel he wants to fuck, not make love and it is killing me right now not to take him on this floor.

  “Ben I have to get in the shower. I need to eat something, make coffee and get to work.” I try pushing him away.

  Ben holds me tighter. He bends down reaching around my ass. He is seeking me from behind, between my legs. He drags his tongue around the front of my neck. He kisses my chest. God dammit, why does he have to be so much taller than me? Focus Max! You have a ridiculously lust filled night planned. It took work to get this done. You called in an old favor. You ventured to the woman you were before this all changed. All this making love, we also need to be more. Fight him with every bit of strength. Come on Max!

  “Seriously I need to work. Don't you want my half of the rent? You have no idea how bad I need a cup of coffee!”

  “Okay. You win.”

  Ben lets me go. He turns around as I pant for air! He switches the coffee pot on, places a K cup in. He gets out a mug. Turns back towards me.

  “There. Should be hot very fast. Kind of like you.”

  “Funny. Very funny. And I am not hot!” I bend down to grab the bags, knowing very well that I am extremely weak in the knees. And yes, hot. Damn him! I refuse to show it.

  “I said okay. I didn't say I was done. I beg to differ with the hot part. My hand between your legs, felt pretty warm down there to me.”

  “Of course it is. I just came from hot yoga. Hot yoga! Emphasis on the word hot! Body temperature rises!”

  “Yoga was over two hours ago. Should I call a doctor? You may need to see someone about this. Hot flashes maybe?”

  I try to hit him with my pocketbook. Giving Ben the dirtiest look. I see that smile, the devilish one, cross his face. Shit. I try to make a beeline for my bedroom. I don't have time for Oz right now!

  “Max I'm going to let you think for just this moment you're winning. Okay?”

  I'm halfway down the hall and I can't help but laugh. I turn. “Benjamin Matthew! Are you the captain here? No, I am the captain now!”

  Ben walks towards me, as I can't help not giggling.

  “Oh that was bad! Max you know it's bad, if you're laughing at your own joke. Oh, that joke was so bad. A pirate you are not. That poor actor didn’t even win the Oscar with that line. Yet you still tried. Now I am going to have to punish you too.” Ben is on me, sweeping me up over his shoulder.

  I still will never understand how he moves my body so easily. He does it in and out of bed. I am a very shapely woman. I am by far no twig. There is woman here. Yet he does it as if I weigh nothing! I don’t get it!

  “Ben! No! Put me down!”

  He slaps my ass hard. It stings. I am still laughing through my sudden empty demand. There will be no getting out of this. I will continue to fight because it is actually fun.

  “Who is the captain?”

  “I am!” I try hitting him again with my bags as he slaps me again. “Hey that hurt!”

  “You know you like it!”

  “We both know I like it.”

  Wow! Ben’s room? Forgot what this looked like as he throws me on his bed. I am really losing this fight. Oh! I have an idea. Perhaps I can turn this around. Save some of my strength. Ha! Okay he wants to play; he will never see it coming. Black stripes on a Zebra do not disappear!

  “What's in the bags love?”

  “None of your business love.” I say as I try to get up.

  Ben pulls me back without any effort it appears on his part. “Oh no. I'm not done with you.”

  “Not done? Who said you started?” God, I love him.

  “Really? You want to play it that way. It has been quite some time since you “played”. Well, since anyone played with you. Has anyone ever gotten the chance to play you?”

  “Benjamin you can stop any such thoughts right now! Do not try me. Especially not at my own conquests.”

  “Maybe I have a side you have never seen before.”

  “I highly doubt that.”

  Ben pushes the bags aside as he climbs on the bed. I quickly turn the other way. I make an attempt to quickly get off the bed.

  “Aaahh exactly the way I want you.” He pulls me back. We are both laughing. He slaps my ass again. Hard.

  I turn back. Even if truth I don’t mind it so much. We will not disclose that at this moment again. “You're going to pay for that one.” I turn and try to push him over. I need to slap his ass and hard.

  Ben pins me down
instead. “Never going to happen. You think you’re going to slap my ass. Oh, love! How are you so smart and so foolish all at the same time? Now where was I before?” Ben goes straight back for the jugular. One hand holds my hands firm above my head. His other hand going straight between my legs. Oh Christ!

  “This spot on your neck, I think it is one of my favorite on your body. You don’t mind if I linger here awhile do you?”

  “Benjamin!”

  “Are you hungry yet?”

  “Nope.” I barely let the words out with my teeth now clenched together. Ben looks straight at me our noses practically touch. He moves his hand from between my legs, runs his fingertip along my belly. He lifts the waist of my yoga pants sliding his hand under my clothes. He separates my thighs from their firm press against one another.

  “Why fight it Max? You want to be touched so bad. You feel hungry. Actually, you feel thirsty. Perhaps we should quench your thirst a little?”

  “No. Not thirsty at all. You are wasting your time. Do not try and play in the big league’s when you are still spring training in the minors.”

  Ben lets out the deepest laugh. “You are charming when you fight yourself. We both you know you are fighting yourself way more than you are me.”

  Ben moves his finger barely in me. He circles it at my opening. I clench my teeth tighter. He is playing me. He learned too much. Is he teasing me? He runs his fingers between my lips. Touching me, yet never fully entering. Fuck that! God damn my yellow brick road! Where is my scarecrow, lion or tin man for that matter? Fuck, he is winning! I can see Oz now. We are headed straight for it. Max put him in the poppy field! Save this for later! Oh God, perhaps a small taste for myself. I can have both. I lift my head to kiss him. Ben pulls his head up.