I Walked With Her

by Lisa Barrington

  “Well thank you. Especially for the non-fat reference. So they only had sweatshirts saying ‘I love M&M’s’? Little surprising being such a tourist spot.”

  “Actually that was the only one. Most were, ‘I love SF’. Sales clerk said this was the last one from a chocolate festival they had down here a while ago. When I saw it, it was you. I had to get it. That is not what the sweatshirt says. Read it again.”

  "I Love M&M's. Come on, what am I missing?”

  “Well I must only love you for your looks because you have absolutely no capacity to be corny. God why are you always so serious? I love M&M's. Max Manale. M&M?”

  A large grin spreads across my face. “Yes you are corny, you sweet amazing man.”

  I can’t help but find his lips again. Ben is sitting sideways on the bench. I turn as I move closer. Forget the pain. Pleasure always outweighs pain. We do not let go of our kiss. I drag my leg over the side. I want to wrap myself around him. We kiss deeper, more passionately. My fingers dig into his skin beneath his t-shirt. His hands are clasped into my hips squeezing me tighter. I drink him until Ben pulls away slightly breathless. I am surprised, that was nice to say the least.

  “What?” I am slightly disappointed to stop.

  “We need to slow the car down Mario. I'm fully aware and look forward to our bucket list, which includes sex in a public place. But I'm pretty sure, sun up; Family Park is not the place.”

  I laugh as I put the top of my head against his collarbone.

  “Fuck! Max what you do to me.”

  “Olive juice.”

  “Sure Olive juice too, but me ending up with a partial third leg right now is not going to help either one of us.”

  “This is true. It's not my fault you are delicious.” I grab my new sweatshirt. I find the arms and I slip my head through pulling it down over me. “You think you can wear it yourself at home?”

  “Why?”

  “I'd like it to smell like you. For when you're at work.”

  “Wow. Who is corny now? I guess you do have some in you. Very collegiate thought you have there. Pretty certain it is not my size, but I can probably arrange a small spray of cologne. I do love your shade of crazy.”

  “So, straight home?” I slap his ass.

  “Hey! Noooo. We are going to eat. Neither of us can withstand any extracurricular activities without any fuel first. We are going to Pacific Catch, just as I said. I hear they have great fish tacos. One of your favorites.”

  “Straight home after?” I eye him up and down. Though this is all in my head because my back has entirely different agenda.

  “Yes boss.”

  “Thanks Captain.” I nudge him a bit more. “I didn't expect today. Never even, saw it coming. Thank you.”

  “Neither did I. Better than waking me with a kiss?”

  “Very much.”

  “One day at a time ‘M&M. Hell one moment at a time.”

  "As you wish".

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  "Ben…you said there was outdoor seating. I'm a wreck. I can't go inside."

  "You look, well... hungry. This is called a restaurant where food is served. This thing called food will satisfy that hunger. Hence, you look perfect. Let's go. Why am I always having to explain the simplest things to you also?"

  "Asshole."

  "There, you said it again! Fine! Yes, absolutely later, I will get right on that. Literally. You have such a foul mouth. You kiss your mother with that mouth?"

  "You wish. I kiss you with this foul mouth."

  “That you do. Indeed, you do.” Ben smiles as he opens the door for me. He slaps my ass as I pass him. I walk straight to the hostess stand.

  "Two, by the front window please." I politely ask, as the hostess grabs two menus.

  "Right this way."

  We follow the young woman with strawberry and blonde ombré hair and pierced nose. She has beautiful eyes with fake lashes and bold lavender lips. Her look is very unnatural. It suits her. She has on a tee shirt dress, belted at the waist. I can't help but notice her Doc Martens. Floral. I smile. Much different from my solid black at her age. I love her style. She looks exactly as she wishes too. It is by no one else's standards but hers.

  Her look reminds me of years so long ago. I've had every haircut and every color. I have had bright red too jet-black to blonde hair. Ultra-short to long down my back. I've tried to be so many people in my life. For a long time, everyone but myself. Only a year ago, my now barely shoulder length auburn hair was seven inches down my back and blonde. My look now much better. A chameleon I still seek to be. I bore easily. Change is good. Well necessary.

  The hostess pulls out our chairs. She places the menus on the table with an honest smile. "Enjoy your meal."

  I sit. I'm smiling too, not even realizing. Ben is shaking his head laughing at me.

  "So you yell you can’t go in because of some crap you aren’t dressed properly. Then you ask for a window table? You realize you can see through glass?"

  I still smile. "Wait, you can see through glass? We need to go! Yes, oh wise one, quite aware. Figured since you aren't ashamed to be seen with me like this, least we can do is see the sunset.”

  "Is that why you're smiling? Honestly I’m beginning to have trouble keeping up today."

  "No. The hostess made me smile. I like her style."

  "You thinking of piercing your nose? Or are you scouting a new recruit for a threesome?"

  "No my nipples. If you want to, I will. No actually scratch that. Never again. Smiling because I actually like seeing a young woman be exactly who she wants to be. Be different. Her Doc Martens are fantastic. Those I do want! To think over twenty years later they are still in fashion. I loved my black ones at her age. Oh the memories in my old age."

  I open the menu. Ben quickly pushes it down. "No menu for you. I'm too tired now. I know you. It is late and we are both hungry. You are going to ask me what I think of every item on this menu. If you should get this or that? It will take an hour to order and even then, you will change your mind at the last minute. Including asking them to alter some portion of the meal, you do decide on. No menu for you."

  "I do not do that!"

  Ben tilts his head, eyes down but looking at me. "Really?"

  "Okay. Maybe I do."

  "Tell me this. Hungry or very hungry?"

  "Very."

  "I'll take care of the rest." Ben lifts the menu on a mission for us both. Though I know, it is only going to take him a moment or two. As he scans the menu, he questions me. "So what is spinning in that head that is making you smile? Which multiple personality should I properly address? Do you see yourself in her?"

  "See why do you have to be a dick? I am serious asshole.”

  Ben looks up for a moment. “Okay, one. You just used dick and asshole in the same train of thought. I already said yes. Actually as soon as we get home so please stop begging. Second, so are going to be serious? Right now? This moment? Because if you are I need to mark my calendar. This will be a first. I am sure it won’t be deep in some way either.” He smiles crookedly before looking back down at the menu.

  I throw my napkin at him as I begin my soliloquy.

  “Stop. Think about it. I've had every look from the neck up. It is how I run from my own reflection. It is always my quick fix. I can't change me, but I can change my hair color in exactly forty-five minutes. Neck down. Well not so much in forty-five minutes. As for my style, no you are exactly right. I have barely changed in twenty years. Be comfortable when I wish. Hats, many are a necessary. They alone can initiate an alter ego. Good pair of high boots for Fall to Spring. Dresses or skirts have no occasion, except any occasion. At least one pair of perfectly worn faded ripped jeans, Italian tees and flip-flops. Fads come and go, what is in one day, out another. I could care less. I don't have time for that shit. With this difficult body I stick to what works."

  Ben interrupts me without lifting his eyes from the menu. "You may not care about fads but you most
certainly do care what others think. Though it would be interesting to be there if anyone ever told you what to wear."

  I am presently having a full conversation with the top of his head.Though I am still quick to reply."I'm still human. Of course I do. Who doesn't?"

  "We all do to some degree. But you care more than you’ll admit."

  Ben still does not even lift his eyes from the menu. It drives me mad. First he takes control regarding ordering. Now he is challenging me without even eye contact.

  I disagree. Adamantly. "Bullshit."

  It is then Ben looks up and smiles at me. Oh Christ, he has me exactly where he wants me again. He got a rise out of me and I never saw it coming. He is saved only for a brief moment. The waiter is at our table.

  "Hi. I'm Todd. I'll be your server for this evening. Have you had a chance to look over the menu and decide what you would like?" Todd looks to begin with me. Courteous.

  Ben immediately speaks up. "We will each have a Thai Iced Tea. I’ll have Thai coconut shrimp. The sweaty disheveled pretty lady will have the Baja Shrimp ceviche as an appetizer. Followed by the Mahi Mahi Island tacos as her entree. I'll have the Japanese Wasabi with crab pan Asian rice bowl as my entree. Thank you."

  Todd gives a huge grin as he replies. "Good choices. I'll get this order in and be right back with your drinks."

  Ben sits back and throws his and my napkin on his lap. "You can call bullshit all you want, but it's the truth."

  "Aren’t you filled with a whole lot of ‘truth’ today."

  "Max, it's not a bad thing. It's an observation. I truly wish you cared less. Because you shouldn't care at all what anyone thinks, including me. You should only care what you think of yourself."

  "By the way, Mr. Know It All. You do realize I hate coconut and wasabi?"

  "Absolutely. Yes. Exactly why I ordered them for myself. Exactly, how I intend on keeping your fork out of my plate as you rant and I eat."

  I sip my water glass. I am thoroughly entertained. He is learning. It gets more and more thrilling as I witness him exert his wit. “You are really getting the hang of this aren't you?"

  "I have a good teacher." He replies throwing my napkin back at me.

  "In regards to this observation of yours. It is ridiculous. I feel everyone should have a level, no a standard to live up to. With that standard, yes there is a comparison to others. It's not necessarily caring what others think. It's comparing." The Sicilian within me is now moving my arms, hands furiously as I speak. Button was pushed. Max on.

  "Are you certain you did not major in bullshit? It's incredible how you can spin something. Look, if in your "comparisons" you find you don't live up to a "standard", I'm sorry to be the one to tell you, but you are caring more than you should. Parallel principle. By the way your standards are unrealistic a lot of the time.”

  "Honestly, fuck you. I hate when you make sense. And no way I am unrealistic."

  Ben is laughing in his smile, as he grabs a piece of bread from the table. “Oh God we are not going there please! Okay you are the most realistic person I have ever met.”

  I love that smile. The one where your cheeks are raised, lips pursed together. The look one gives of fascination while realizing they are charming. Ben leans in for his drink as the waiter has returned and is setting them down at that exact moment. Ben takes his in his hand, lifts it in the air. "A toast to the only woman who uses the term "Fuck you" with as much admiration as she does irritation."

  I lift my glass and click his in agreement. I am thoroughly captivated and quite enlightened. I do not share this with him. "You're not always right."

  “Always is a strong word. I certainly am much more than not.”

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Todd returns. Check in his little leather binder. "Can I get you both anything else?"

  I interject this time. I have a voice. Even if it’s to say, we are done. "No, we are good. Thank you."

  Todd gives us that big huge grin, like a puppy, hoping for to play, except Todd is hoping for a great tip. "I'll leave this here, for when you're ready. Hope you enjoyed your meals. Have a great evening." He places the check on the table.

  Ben automatically hands him his credit card. Never looks at the bill. Not like him. Considering we only have one form of payment between us both, I suppose there is no purpose. It is what it is. Todd leaves to run his card.

  Ben takes my hand across the table. "Sky looks beautiful. How is your back doing? Think you can handle the walk home?"

  With my other elbow on the table. I'm leaning forward holding my face by my chin. "It is beautiful. As much as I would love to enjoy walking under this pink orange sky. I can't do it Ben. Pain is not so good."

  "I'm sorry I should have known better."

  "What are you talking about? What you pulled me by a rope to do this today? I did this. I will be alright. Just not right this moment."

  "Let's grab a cab. I'll go call for one. Be right back. I never grabbed my phone. The hostess stand will have one."

  "Sounds good. Thanks." I smile.

  Ben gets up planting a sweet kiss on my forehead before he walks away. God Damn those forehead kisses. They take my breath from me. Breath which I need. The pain is much worse than I am even letting on. I need to figure out how to handle this when we get home. Percocet is needed. Ben hates when I take painkillers. They do cause me to be high. However, the pain right now, I am not even sure how to stand. Agony found a home again. It is radiating down both legs. I feel as though the hardware in my back is going to puncture my skin.

  Ben returns within a moment’s time. "It’ll be here within ten minutes. Bill is all settled. Ready to go?"

  "Absolutely." I get up as quickly as I can. Like pulling a Band-Aid, it’s better to do it quick. Painful, but better to get it over with fast. We leave the restaurant and wait outside. West coast evenings are superior to east coast. Ben is oddly quiet. I nudge his arm. "What ya thinking about?"

  "I go back to work Monday. That’s all. I love days like today. I love my job, but I love days like today more. Are you going to miss me?"

  "I always miss you when you’re gone. What makes you think this will be different?" I take Ben’s hand and wrap myself within his arm.

  He gently pushes the hair that has now fallen from my ponytail to around my face and places it behind my ear. "Not true. Last trip out you avoided me. We pretty much fell apart. What if that happens again?"

  "That was different. A lot has happened in the last three weeks. Everything has happened in the last three weeks."

  He kisses the top of my head. Fuck. Again? Doesn’t he know what they mean? He can’t hear my thoughts. He continues with his own aloud.

  "Yes it has. I will be gone eighteen days. Two couples round trip to Catalina Island. Need to fly to San Diego. The yacht is in port there. Our largest yacht. Full staff again."

  "Oh really? Again."

  "Yes. Seems to be becoming more the norm now. Weather is changing. You know how crazy summers get."

  I squeeze his arm tighter. Putting it completely at the center of my body. I hold his arm like it is his whole body. I speak without hesitation. I do not want him to hear that I am slightly sad. I will miss him being gone terribly. However, this is his life. I have always known this. "We will simply make the next two days really count. Besides absence makes the heart grow fonder. Right?"

  Ben turns himself completely in front of me. “Max, please don’t run from me when I leave?"

  Facing him I wrap his arm with my so it lay on my back. I move slightly closer to him. “Are you really concerned I will? Look. I may not get this all right and be an absolute fool, as I was this morning. Ben, I am never leaving. I waited my whole life to get to this place with you. I am not letting go. You’re stuck with me now.”

  He kisses my forehead and I feel its warmth straight to the tips of my toes. And…he did it again. I swear to God, one more forehead and I may lose all sanity and propose to him. Forehead kisses are the only thing I held
onto more than anything since I was 19. Since the moment I lost my innocence.

  We smile together as our taxi arrives. Ben opens the door for me. I climb in grateful he is behind me. This way he cannot see how my face struggles from the pain. I have less than three days with this man. I need to make them count. I do not have time for this.

  We arrive home within ten minutes. A distance that would have probably taken me at least forty minutes to walk in this state. I am grateful. He is patient and walks slow through our building doors. He even laughs as he holds the building door open for me, and bows like a prince, letting me through. We reach our apartment and he unlocks our door. Again, he steps aside for me to enter first.

  "Max, I am going to go run a scorching hot bath for us. Sound good?"

  "Exceptionally. You read my mind."

  He is now ahead of me as I move at a snail’s pace. "You better go take two of the Percocet you have hidden above the fridge behind the ice cream maker we have never used. Right next to the two bottles of Jugo, Sangria you keep hidden for the times I am away."

  I stand wide-eyed, mouth on the floor. Ben continues walking to his bathroom. Pulling off his shirt as he does.

  "You can close your mouth. You really didn’t think I knew? I have always known. I told you. You are exhausting. I will always accept you. And no, to the question swirling through your head. I have never touched the alcohol. Sangria was never my poison. The Percocet on the other hand, have been tempting at moments. I will see you inside."

  Ben never even turns around. He is gone before I can even say a word. I want to say something back, but now I am not even sure how to respond. I am guilty. It is unfair of me. Oh, shit I am a fool, idiot and now a dick too. Too much for one day. I am not surprised, but too much for one day. This sucks. I cannot even, not still be a dick. I still need the damn Percocet! Shit! I have no choice.