I Walked With Her

by Lisa Barrington

  In the kitchen, I grab our step stool tucked between the refrigerator and the wall. I open it and slowly climb up. I move the ice cream maker aside and find the pill bottle. I take two out. I climb back down feeling shame. Why don’t I consider him more? I thought solely by having them hidden, they didn’t exist. I grab the milk carton and swallow my pills. I need the pain eased it is horrific. I hear the water run. I also hear my phone beep at the same moment.

  It is still in my room. I head straight there. I think of the bath. Once I see my bed, crawling in it is so tempting. I need to get out of these clothes before anything else. They should be burnt rather than cleaned at this point. As I pull my shirt over my head, I hear my phone beep again. I go over to my nightstand. Five text messages? I open the app. All from Nick? I haven’t heard from in almost three years.

  'I am going to be in LA next week on business. I would like to see you. I will fly you in. I need you to meet me. It’s very important we speak.'

  The other four messages question if I am here and question why I won’t even respond. I begin a reply. 'Why? About what?’

  Immediately my phone beeps back. 'I have already bought you a ticket for Monday. An e-ticket should be in your email. I will be at the Omni at the California Plaza. I booked you a room overnight. This is important.'

  I type back as quickly as I can. My blood pressure I can feel rise. 'You realize I do not like being told what to do. I do not have to see you, nor accept the ticket much less stay overnight.'

  An immediate beep. 'Moe please?'

  What the hell? I respond again. 'I am not nineteen. Don’t call me Moe.'

  Beep. 'Well at least your stubbornness has not changed. I need to speak to you face to face. I will be waiting in the Grand Cafe, outside at seven. Please be there. If you are not, what I want to discuss with you is happening either way. I am sorry. I truly am.'

  I do not reply further. What the fuck is he talking about? What will happen regardless? I look up and stare blankly in the air. What else can possibly be today?

  Ben then yells. “Max! Water is getting cold."

  I put the phone down. I can’t deal right now. Whatever Nick is up too; this moment is not the moment I wish to deal at all. I finish stripping out of my clothes. The Percocet is starting to warm my body. My head slightly numbs from its effect. My chest begins to feel heavier. I throw my clothes in the hamper and grab my robe. I pull my ponytail out. My scalp is sore from my hair being pulled so tight for so long. I massage my scalp for a moment moving my hair to relieve the discomfort. I yell back. "I am coming. Patience, Benjamin! Patience!"

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  The jets of the bath are calling my name. I need them terribly right now. I belly laugh sending a surge of pain up my spine as I walk in the bathroom. This never happens to me when I do sneak in here while he is away. There are bubbles all over the floor. Bubbles actually everywhere. "Ben! What did you do?"

  “One, I underestimated a cap full of bubble bath. Two, I underestimated the jets in combination with the cup full of bubble bath. Kind of fun though."

  "I kind of like this. I am a bit afraid if you keep the jets on, I might lose you in here."

  Ben puts his hand out to help me step in. "I promise you won't. I think the worst is over. Come on get in. I let some water out to get it hotter for you."

  I hang my robe on the back of Ben's door as I close it. It is soothing how the steam heated up the entire bathroom. Holding Ben’s hand, I climb in slowly. It is hot. Scorching. The burn actually feels so good. I sit facing him. He looks me over with a fatherly expression, which I never wish to see across the man I lust face.

  "Well your pupils dilated quickly. How are you feeling?"

  "Warm inside and out." I slip my arms under the water. I need to apologize. Part of me feels consumed with guilt. "I am sorry."

  "Don’t be. I am the alcoholic, not you."

  "It isn’t right. I will get rid of it."

  "The Percocet really? Because the sangria actually isn’t what bothers me. Though you aren’t supposed to be drinking on your meds."

  "I honestly haven't touched it in so long."

  "I know. I check it at times. Make sure you aren’t spiraling and I don't know it."

  "I really am that much work?" More guilt surfaces. Between my guilt and the bubbles, I truly may drown.

  "At times, but I don't mind. I am not easy either." Ben stretches his legs. He drapes them on my lap and next to my hips.

  The jets hit my back helping ease the tension in my muscles. I lean my head back and breathe. Oh, God I have to ask! Shit if I don’t, it will drive me crazy. If I do ask, if will further exhaust him. He is already physically exhausted. Fuck. I am asking. "Sometimes I really do not understand why you have stayed by my side as long as you have, much less what we have now."

  "I guess deep down I always hoped one day we would be what we are now. I don't recall you leaving me because I drank. Much less the hell of getting sober."

  "You are my best friend. I would never have done that. I’ve always loved you for all of you, not some of you."

  "Then why question why I stay? Do you think I see you in any less light than you see me?"

  "I don’t know. I am not sure." I sink in lower. My breasts wish to float above the water. I push myself and stay submerged. "Feels like our relationship isn’t equal. I realized that today as we ran."

  "Does it always have to be?"

  "It should be. Shouldn't it?"

  "I don’t think so. Sometimes you are going to lean on me and other times I will need to lean on you. Yes, there will be times when we simply are. I don't feel that part as having changed between us. Regardless how “this” works out. You and I, best friends no matter what. The good, the bad, the ugly, the sober alcoholic and the crazy."

  I splash his face.

  "Owe! That is hot."

  I slip completely under the water letting it take me. It covers me like a blanket. The temperature is the same as the warmth flowing through my mind. The drug flowing through my veins. The Percocet fully in effect. I emerge sweeping the water off my face as I push my hair back.

  "That was brave."

  "It felt good. Come over here." Ben moves up in the water. I raise my knees and sit up making a place for him between my legs. The ease in how he moves so effortlessly, I am in constant awe of.

  He shuts off the jets as he turns resting his back against me. "This is nice. Two pillows to rest against. Can we possibly discuss these two pillows?"

  "Seriously your humor is surpassing me lately. I need to step up my game."

  “I am not joking with the last part Max. I need to ask you something. I noticed a long time ago but I haven’t said anything?”

  “What?” I had to open up the communication gate again didn’t I? I know exactly where this is going. Shit! Honestly, I’m surprised he hasn’t brought it up sooner. I take a hand full of bubbles and place them on his chest. "Close your eyes. Let’s not talk anymore. I think we have talked enough for one day."

  “Max.”

  “Ben. Are you forgetting I am drugged right now?”

  “No. Exactly why I am choosing this time as a good time to discuss. You are completely relaxed.”

  “Fine talk.”

  “When are you going to get your right breast looked at? We both know the implant moved higher and has hardened. Max, I don’t give a fuck about your breasts aside from your health with them. Do not mistake I fucken love them. The sight of them alone, drives me crazy to this day. But what if they ruptured again? Maybe it is time to have them removed. Have you ever considered it? Max I love you no matter what. With them or without them, but I am worried about your health. Is it painful?”

  “Of course I know it’s moved and hardened. As far being ruptured that would have shown during my mammography. Is it turning you off?”

  “God! No Max! Do you ever listen? I just said I find them sexy as hell, but I care about your health more. I specifically said I would love you wit
h or without them. You didn’t answer if it hurts?”

  “Ben, I can’t do it yet. I can’t have them taken out. I know my body has changed. I can’t handle this right now. I can’t go back to being fifteen with one breast. You don’t understand what being born with this birth defect was like for me. Then the surgeries. All of it. I was so young. Then the rupturing and having to choose to put these foreign objects in me again. I didn’t deserve any of this. Ben I can’t have one breast. It is an empty cavity on the right. Nothing, no tissue, no muscle. If I get them taken out it will be full reconstruction or nothing at all there. What? You want me to replace them, again. I don’t know. I need to have breasts Ben.”

  “I can imagine what it did to you. I also know you don’t see what I see. Max they can move your own tissue. Things have changed since your last surgeries. Fat grafting. You will have two breasts. If it is about money, we can make it work together. No, you did not deserve any of it. Max much of your life you haven’t deserved. You aren’t alone Max. I can take time off. We can find the best surgeon. I will be by your side for any or all of it.”

  “I can’t Ben. I don’t want to disappoint you, but I’m sorry I am not ready. I can’t go through another surgery. Six surgeries too many already. No more scars. Hard to face the ones I see now. My breast, I see it every time I look in the mirror. Of course, I feel it. I am aware of it. I can’t. Not now. Please can we drop this? Can we maybe sit here together and be silent?”

  "Is that possible for you”

  "Yes!" I pinch his nipple hard.

  "Ouch. Fuck that hurt."

  "Serves you right. Can I be silent? I would think you know this already all but too well. Now shut up, put your head back, and let me be kind, God damn it! I am going to take care of you! I want to hold you for a change! All you have done is hold me. Now close your eyes and stop talking!"

  "Since you’ve put it that way, so inviting and sweet. How can I say no?"

  I pull Ben's head back onto my shoulder. “SSShhhh!"

  "Once again ladies and gentleman. You can take the girl out of New York but you can’t take the New York out of the girl."

  Ben settles and rests against me. He holds my feet under the water. I caress his chest with my fingertips. I lean my head back as well. Finally, we enjoy the serenity of the water and the warmth of our bodies against one another. The silence is solace.

  This moment is enough. There is an odd gratitude for the pain I am. It is sustaining us here and now. Ben never moves his head or opens his eyes. He simply puts his arms up on the side of the bathtub. I raise my head to rest it against his face. His breath so close raises goose bumps over my body, despite the scolding hot water. Ben reaches with his hand behind my neck and pulls me toward him. He kisses me for the briefest moment then stops. We both open our eyes.

  “I am thankful for today myself Max.”

  I say nothing as Ben lets go of my head resting his back against my collarbone. He takes both of my arms pulling them around him. I suddenly realize I am not the only one shaking.

  The Soundtrack plays on as I rest my head back again too. Jason Mraz’s melody, ‘I Won’t Give Up’ covers me the same as the water consumes our bodies. Music that soothes one soul again rests mine. I am unraveling.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  The alarm blares repeatedly. Ben wakes, opening his eyes I hear him whisper.

  “No. I don’t want to go back to work. Snooze. I need to snooze.”

  I watch as he stretches and pulls his head from the pillow. The sheets and my blanket barely cover him as he wakes more from sleeping on his belly. He needs to shut the alarm off. Or hit snooze. I am not entirely certain.

  I watch as he inhales. He has definitely caught the aroma of the coffee that fills the room. I opened the curtains. The sun in shinning in. Finally; he squints his eyes open. He is patting my side of the bed. He has yet to turn my way.

  “Max?”

  He turns his head in my direction as his pupil’s focus, he sees me. I’m sitting in my reading chair drinking my coffee. Peacefully watching. I chose my black robe this morning. There is only one purpose for the “black robe”.

  Ben looks me over slowly. He stops his gaze when he notices my heels. The ones I bought to go out that night. The ones he commented were killing him. The ribbons are tied up each ankle. The silver of the back heel catches the sun, reflecting light on the ceiling. I watch as he looks for the time on my cable box.

  It is actually an hour earlier than he set his alarm. I snuck and changed it last night. 7:30 a.m. He looks back at me as I continue to sit silently with my legs crossed; heels, black robe and my hair pulled into a tight ponytail. I sip my coffee slowly. I adore the smile that crosses his face.

  Finally, he speaks. “Morning.”

  I purse my lips on my coffee cup. “Good morning.”

  “Been up long?”

  “Little bit. There is coffee for you.” I motion to the nightstand.

  “Little bit?” Ben pulls himself up turning to rest against the headboard as he questions my reply. He takes the coffee I placed in a travel mug to keep it hot. “Thank you. Well isn’t this lovely to wake up to.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  I sway my top leg slightly up and down over the other. I look sensual and I know this. I unfortunately needed more than Friday night and Saturday to recuperate from our little run. It took up our Sunday also. During that time, I reflected and planned. This morning is going to be different.

  “Quite the shoes, for so early in the morning. Lovely”.

  “I'm quite enjoying them. Thank you.”

  “You’re very welcome.”

  I smile wickedly at him.

  “So you have been up little bit, you say? Care to let me in on anything I may have missed?”

  “Simply coffee and watching you sleep.” I continue to sit, very calm, very collected.

  “Oh really? My sleeping prompted the infamous black robe and these, God these heels?”

  “Oh no. Watching you sleep, has spun many thoughts I long to write about. I’ve decided you are going to be my muse. It is the anticipation of you waking, which inspired the robe and heels. You leave later. Did you think you were simply getting woken with a kiss?”

  “I may need more coffee. Which do I respond to first? Becoming your muse or your current inspiration. Or my pending departure?”

  “None. They are statements.”

  “Do I get to have an opinion?”

  “No, not really. I'm getting more coffee. Would you like anything while I'm up?”

  “No thank you.”

  I stand and leave. I feel Ben’s eyes on me. I love it. I cannot deny I do. He watches as I walk away.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  “The infamous black robe. I’ve finally earned it. As many times as I have seen it, I never allowed myself to honestly look. It was never before for me. I have never truly seen how it falls against her body. So beautiful. She is naked beneath it. The curve in her calf muscle as she stood is striking. She has never dressed this way for me. Her back doesn’t allow heels such as those often. Seems, her back must be feeling better. Two days of rest. Shit! We may need to go running more and no days without sex if this is what comes after.

  Those heels. We have been friends for so long. Those are not friend shoes. They have intention. She not only walks taller because of the three-inch heels; she is holds herself differently. Her walk is more seductive. Her hips shift differently as she leaves. She even holds her coffee different. Her other arm sways with her body. It is erotic. She is going to seduce me. She is pure sex right now.

  My own soundtrack begins to play. My Max, my Paula Cole, “Feelin Love”. “What exactly is she up to?”

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  I can hear Ben jump up and run to the bathroom. Probably taking the only chance he will have. I know him well enough; he wants to get back before me. He knows damn well I have a purpose. I also know him well enough; there is no way he doesn’t have to pee.
I am curious how he will do so, with the erection I already saw beneath the sheets.

  How do men accomplish that task, in that state? Will he brush his teeth and think of Saints as he does? Does he try to lessen how hard he is? Maybe, think of a family outing and hope to go limp?

  I laugh to myself as I pour more coffee. I am completely right! I have not heard the toilet flush, but I hear the water running. He is brushing his teeth! Oh a woman’s instincts. I do hope it works. Must be so uncomfortable to relieve one’s bladder like that. A few moments later I hear the toilet flush.

  Ben opens my bathroom door only to find me back in my chair. Once again silent, I sip my coffee. Ben walks in and climbs back into bed. I can see he is slightly red as his arousal is exposed. Still he is stays composed as he takes his own coffee again. I am impressed with his willpower.

  He looks to me. “You’re quiet this morning.”

  “Really? You think so?”

  “Considering I usually need to calculate how I’m going to get you to stop talking. Yes, you are exceptionally quiet.”

  “I suppose I'm saving my energy.”

  “Jesus Max! You are killing me.”

  “Good.” I cross my legs, purposefully extending my leg as I cross it opposite to the way I sat before. “Did you sleep well?”

  “Very. Thank you for asking. Another quiet evening was quite nice. I take it your back is feeling better? You are still heading to LA later? I hope you haven’t changed your mind.”

  “My back is feeling fantastic. Thank you for asking. LA is not what I am thinking about right now. I am thinking about how much I truly enjoy watching you sleep. You have a tranquility that fills the room. You seem at such peace. I don't even know how to experience that in my deepest slumber.”

  “Perhaps if you stayed beside me longer it will rub off on you.”

  “Perhaps.” I place my cup on my bookshelf. “Waiting for you to wake up has not been easy.”